Jump to content

  • Log in with Facebook Log in with Twitter Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

Welcome to BZPower!

Hi there, while we hope you enjoy browsing through the site, there's a lot more you can do if you register. The process is easy and you can use your Google, Facebook, or Twitter account to make it even faster. Some perks of joining include:
  • Create your own topics, participate in existing discussions, and vote in polls
  • Show off your creations, stories, art, music, and movies and play member and staff-run games
  • Enter contests to win free LEGO sets and other prizes, and vote to decide the winners
  • Participate in raffles, including exclusive raffles for new members, and win free LEGO sets
  • Send private messages to other members
  • Organize with other members to attend or send your MOCs to LEGO fan events all over the world
  • Much, much more!
Enjoy your visit!

Photo

The Gunsmith: Review

review gunsmith zacax bionicle we the people

  • Please log in to reply
5 replies to this topic

#1 Offline The Manga Maniac Named Zac

The Manga Maniac Named Zac
  • Members
  • Flying Force!

  • 2,378 posts
  •  

Posted Jun 14 2012 - 04:28 PM

The review topic for The Gunsmith: http://www.bzpower.c...wtopic=5381&hl=
  • 0

"Literature adds to reality, it does not simply describe it. It enriches the necessary competencies that daily life requires and provides; and in this respect, it irrigates the deserts that our lives have already become,"-C.S. Lewis

 

I create manga. Yeah. Anyway have some links to my stuff on the site:

 

MangaManiac Stuff:

//BIONICLE Manga Concept\\

((THIS WILL BE EDITIED))

 


#2 Offline The Iron Toa

The Iron Toa
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Members
  • Submerged!

  • 1,140 posts
  •  

Posted Jun 17 2012 - 02:25 PM

Interesting story so far. I like the illustrations you added, I really should try something like that sometime. I also especially like your description of Karzahni. Now, I did notice some spelling, punctuation, and capitalization errors (Matoran should be capitalized all the time, for instance), I suggest you look over what you've posted and fix them, and proofread your future chapters thoroughly before you post. And this is more of a personal preference than an error, but I think you overuse '...' Also, I think the text size is better in the later chapters, you should shrink the text in the first chapters to match. Keep up the good work, and I hope you decorate future chapters with pictures, too.
  • 0

theirontoa.png

My Blog

Latest Update: RPG: Character Creation and Stats

My Story Collection

Story Currently in Progress:

End of Yrenta (Review Topic) (Currently at 55 Chapters)

I realize I haven't updated my stories or posted much for quite a while. I will get back it it sometime, and I am still checking the site daily for any interesting topics.

Brickshelf Gallery


#3 Offline fishers64

fishers64
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • Mask of Light Unveiled

  • 5,119 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Jun 17 2012 - 05:13 PM

Well, I'll say that this is a marked improvement from your last epic. That's not to say that your last epic was bad, but you're getting better! :)That said:

"I never really caught your name," I asked the ga-matoran, trying to make the situation less boring and awkward,

Should be "'I never really caught your name,' I asked the ga-matoran, trying to make the situation less boring and awkward."

"Kikanalo trampled me," he said sheepishly, "I was dumb enough to enter the archieves when they were trying to contain a Kikanalo.

Because the entire thing up to here is in first-person, it should be "'Kikanalo trampled me,' he said sheepishly, 'I was dumb enough to enter the archieves when they were trying to contain a Kikanalo.'"However, I have to give you credit for the realistic dialogue here. Nothing too expanded or fanciful. Chapter 2:

He was a matoran of stone, he was tan and grey and his mask was the Kanohi Ruru,

Should be "He was a matoran of stone, he was tan and grey and his mask was the Kanohi Ruru."

...the flames were dark red, and did not bring warmth, the whole room was cold.

"the whole room was cold." isn't needed - you've already implied it with the fact that the flames did not bring warmth.

I was still red and black, and still had my mask of kanohi copy, but it was slightly more jagged.

What does "mask of kanohi copy" mean? I'm confused. Chapters 3 and 4 are much better than Chapters 1 and 2, at least on the proofreading and formatting front. For some reason, however, Chapters 1 and 2 struck me as a better story, mostly because it sheds light on something unknown in Bionicle. How you characterized the nervous Matoran was excellent, especially in those chapters. I would like to see Ambera later. She's stuck out to the main character - why is that?I also liked this line:

"Once again I have failed! Failed to return these matoran to their original state!" he yelled in anger and in disappointment. I wondered what he meant by failed again...has this happened before?

Gives me an idea about what Karzahni himself thinks about the repairing - that's neat. :) However, I didn't like it that he sounded so uncertain about sending the Matoran off to the other islands - hasn't he had to do this before? Or is it just a ruse?:)Anyway, I liked your idea - going where no Bionicle writer has gone before. Literally. Great job, keep it up.

  • 0

14126183966_9690cb0da3_z.jpg


#4 Offline Cederak

Cederak
  • Outstanding BZPower Citizens
  • Axiomatic

  • 4,145 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Jun 19 2012 - 02:40 PM

It has been my experience that epics posted as frequently as one chapter per day are, too often, written poorly. But it also caught my curiosity, so while I don't agree with the method, you're doing something right to bring me here in the first place. I would seriously recommend that, in the future, you employ the use of an editing program (MS Word for example) or keep a better eye on errors. Here's what I found.Chapter 1

After a certain break out in the Archieves which I was so unluckily visting,

Spelling: Archives, visiting

The Ga-matoran shoke my hand and then went back to steering.

Spelling: shookChapter 2

They all looked said and depressed...

Spelling: sad

he was tan and grey and his mask was the Kanohi Ruru

Capitalize: He

his mask looked like for other masks stitched together,

Capitalize: HisChapter 3

"we just arrived on this island from Karzahni!"

Capitalize: We

"Well that explains your height!" he said, "hurry up into my hut, the storm is about to hit!"

Grammar: Period after said. Capitalize: Hurry

"who are you?"

Capitalize: Who

"yes, I assume you were too?"

Capitalize: Yes

"many matoran here on Voya Nui came from Karzahni after being 'repaired' and live here, we had a turaga, but alas, Turaga Jovan passed many years ago,"

Capitalize: TuragaChapter 4

"Relax this hit is perfectly safe,"

Spelling: hut

A lightning bolt ten struck the hut and it started to crumble around us.

Spelling: then

He is the only Toa here, and there hasn't been any Toa on this island that I can remember!

Grammar: haven't

the last hero I saw was Lihkan,

LhikanChapter 5

I can copy other's mask powers around me and use them, but only temporarly,"

Spelling: temporarily

"If you don't mind, but we have some problems!"

Remove: but

HOW CAN THEY SURVIVE THIS?!

Change: How can they survive this!?Chapter 6

Afte nearly 15 mminutes,

Spelling: After, minutes

and staright to the Lightning Rod!

Spelling: straight

The lightning rod turned into a Lightning delfection deviece and then the Lightning started to fly everywhere!

Spelling: deflection, device Lowercase: lightning

It struck the trees and lit them blaze...

Spelling: ablaze

I caushed the lightning to scatter!"

Spelling: causedIn the past, I have ignored rampant spelling and grammar issues if I happen to find that the plot in itself is engaging. What I received instead was something in the other direction. I can ignore your lack of consistency with capitalizing the word "Matoran," I can ignore the lack of creativity by not naming Kye's friend, but there's a lot of things too great to brush off. First of all, I assume this is an alternate universe idea, right? Given that Zacax travels by sea from Karzahni to Voya Nui, an island that was only accessed during 2006 from Karzahni through the use of tubes and capsules. The Great Cataclysm has already occurred if Voya Nui is an island and not part of the Southern Continent (and the fact Jovan is dead), so why does a Metru Nui Matoran like Zacax have memories of Toa Lhikan? So again, I guess this doesn't follow canon. Nothing wrong with that, I love plenty of stories that deviate from the canon.I found it a little odd that Kye wouldn't know his island's leaders by name. They are the entities placed in charge, probably given their positions through positive actions and displaying leadership skills. It seems unlikely Kye wouldn't know their names, but since I've already covered "lack of creativity" on the part of Kye's friend that has multiple mentions but no name to speak of, I won't harp on that any longer. I do want to bring up a couple points where you broke immersion with me, in reference to human words. The lines, "Boy it was heavy" or "and stepped back a few feet," in Chapter 6 could have easily been, "My, it was heavy" or "and stepped back a bio." Just a thought.The more eventful parts of your epic seem to suffer from "and then" syndrome. You start to give description, which becomes a list of "and then [action] and then [action]." I also thought the sequence where Zacax went to be repaired was too brief. I know he loses his memories of the actual repair, but the moments leading up to that must've been filled with something. Fear? Uncertainty? Reluctance? Your execution of that was very disappointing.The same can be said of Chapter 6's ending, with Tahukama turning over Toa stones to Zacax. Zacax just did a lot of harm to the village, but apparently a little good intention is all it takes to be in the running to become the next Toa? To give you things in a Bionicle perspective, the road to Karzahni is paved with good intentions. That's as close to humor as I think you're going to get out of me with this. A big problem is that when you have an expectation of something, like a story named "The Gunsmith" and then introduce it in this patchwork of misused Legends of Metru Nui and Voya Nui-inspired sequences (which, even if that's not where the inspiration came from, the incidents seem disturbingly similar), you get the sense that the rest of the epic is going to follow suit. And that's a bold accusation, perhaps, but after already proving myself correct on my "chapter per day" theory with this, I'm sensing a pattern here.I may come back to see where this story is headed in a few weeks, which, if your schedule continues as it has, you'll either be finished or have a great deal of the story posted. Some things to keep in mind though. First, work on your dialogue. I always say, if you speak it aloud and it sounds forced or awkward, change it. Your dialogue felt like one or the other for much of the story. Second, detail is critical. Throwing the reader from event to event at such a rapid pace doesn't give time to really display what's happening, or the emotion behind those events. And since this is a first person story, I'm sure Zacax has a wide array of emotions that can be explored and depicted. Lastly, really watch the spelling and grammar. Best of luck going forward with this, Zacax.-Ced

  • 0

#5 Offline fishers64

fishers64
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • Mask of Light Unveiled

  • 5,119 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Jul 05 2012 - 11:33 PM

I think the fix of having the Matoran think that Zacax is not a hero and the debate (in Chapter 7) did an okay job of sealing up Cederak's plot hole.Chapter 7:

“Kye was given them, and then he got me and we went to find you!” Ambera said, “We know it wasn’t intentional on destroying the village,”

It should be &ldquo;Kye was given them, and then he got me and we went to find you!&rdquo; Ambera said, &ldquo;We know it wasn&rsquo;t intentional on destroying the village.&rdquo;Also, the last part ("We know it wasn't intentional on destroying the village.") would likely be better as "We know it wasn't your intent to destroy the village." or even "We know you didn't mean to destroy the village."* * *Okay, Zacax,Okay, Zacax. The dog jumped over the moon,The dog jumped over the moon.The top sentence in red is what you're doing. The bottom sentence is the correct form. All sentences should end with (.) not a (,). On your keyboard, it's right next to the question mark key, two keys over from the right Shift key. It is not the key with the < symbol on top, but rather the > symbol.* * *Chapter 8:

7 days passed, and we could see an island in view.

Er, rough time jump there. What were they doing for the past seven days? Taking naps? I would imagine that the Matoran aboard would get grumbly and complain after a few days with no land in sight, criticizing Zacax's planning skills.Chapter 9:

Me and my friends vertically were the oddballs here.

I think you meant to say "Me and my friends practically were the oddballs here.", right?Otherwise, looking good so far, although it seems might convenient that these Matoran happened to land on Xia, where weapons are manufactured...interesting...Edit: Chapter 10 was a nice plot twist, but how did Zacax learn how to make guns overnight? Did he have help? Does he worry about the purpose of weapons? They can kill people...or does he go about his work without thinking about it?

Edited by fishers64, Jul 12 2012 - 10:31 PM.

  • 0

14126183966_9690cb0da3_z.jpg


#6 Offline The Manga Maniac Named Zac

The Manga Maniac Named Zac
  • Members
  • Flying Force!

  • 2,378 posts
  •  

Posted Aug 05 2012 - 12:48 AM

Fishers:Zacax at first was really concerned about the weapons, but his opinions don't really matter to his boss. As for learning his craft, Zacax already has experience in forging, such as masks and parts, this was a bit different.
  • 0

"Literature adds to reality, it does not simply describe it. It enriches the necessary competencies that daily life requires and provides; and in this respect, it irrigates the deserts that our lives have already become,"-C.S. Lewis

 

I create manga. Yeah. Anyway have some links to my stuff on the site:

 

MangaManiac Stuff:

//BIONICLE Manga Concept\\

((THIS WILL BE EDITIED))

 





0 user(s) are browsing this forum

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users