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The Eleventh Hour - Review Topic

Shadows Epic

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223 replies to this topic

#41 Offline Ramona Flowers

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Posted Jun 20 2012 - 03:16 PM

Huh? I din't leave the stove on again did I? ANYWAY, Chapter 1 was epic. I was honestly not expecting the return of Ignotus, but it was amazing nonetheless.So, The Shadow's name is Nekron. Interesting name. I like it!All-in-all, fantastic start to Part One. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to sort out this spoon-wielding Toa of Magnetism who just crashed through my window.-Eredar

Yup.Nekron is also the name of that black Agori from Aftershock.No problem, don't mind him. XD

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#42 Offline An Archaic Predicament

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Posted Jun 20 2012 - 03:23 PM

Nekron is also the name of that black Agori from Aftershock.

I suddenly get the connection. This should be interesting

No problem, don't mind him. XD

HE. WON'T. STOP. HITTING. ME!*Grabs plastic spoon of wall*HAVE AT THEE!

Edited by Eredar, Jun 20 2012 - 03:24 PM.

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#43 Offline Lontra Canadensis

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Posted Jun 20 2012 - 05:32 PM

Huh? I din't leave the stove on again did I? ANYWAY, Chapter 1 was epic. I was honestly not expecting the return of Ignotus, but it was amazing nonetheless.So, The Shadow's name is Nekron. Interesting name. I like it!All-in-all, fantastic start to Part One. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to sort out this spoon-wielding Toa of Magnetism who just crashed through my window.-Eredar

Yup.Nekron is also the name of that black Agori from Aftershock.No problem, don't mind him. XD

Black Agori from Aftershock.Now I know.Also, why is it that every time I come into one of your topics I somehow derail it? Every other person's topic, no, but yours specifically...Shall we discuss the Mystix again?

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#44 Offline Ramona Flowers

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Posted Jun 21 2012 - 12:43 AM

NO. MORE. MYSTIX. :lol:
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#45 Offline Lontra Canadensis

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Posted Jun 21 2012 - 12:52 AM

Alright then, let's discuss Aclaraung specifically since he's a Mutant.Unless the Voya-Nui Subspecies are all like him, in which case: Cool. http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/cool.pngAre they?'Cause that would be interesting.
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#46 Offline Ramona Flowers

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Posted Jun 21 2012 - 10:46 AM

They aren't. He's a mutant. GB's experimented on the poor sod. Aw. :sly:
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#47 Offline Lontra Canadensis

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Posted Jun 21 2012 - 01:45 PM

I highly doubt he minds being a dragon as opposed to a bat.Dragons are cool.
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#48 Offline Ramona Flowers

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Posted Jun 22 2012 - 12:59 AM

And this conversation ought to be in a PM rather than a review topic.
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#49 Offline Lontra Canadensis

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Posted Jun 22 2012 - 01:09 AM

Everything we're discussing might possibly have a lasting effect on the story, and I want the others to have an opportunity to jump in, Vorex.
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#50 Offline 25K When?

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Posted Jun 22 2012 - 08:39 AM

So Nekron is a Shadow....You sure you not ripping off on Harbinger?
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#51 Offline Ramona Flowers

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Posted Jun 22 2012 - 10:50 AM

So Nekron is a Shadow....You sure you not ripping off on Harbinger?

I didn't know anything about Harbinger 'til recently, and I wrote out a scene with Nekron in it ages ago (while I was somewhere around the third chapter of DM:PI), which was long before you told me anything about him.And this is a different Nekron to the RPG Nekron, they just have the same name.

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#52 Offline Wotzapp

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Posted Jun 26 2012 - 02:48 PM

Bit 1: Good ol' witty Pirok http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/sarcastic.gifBit 2: LULWUT XYLAK IS A GREAT BEING OMG DAT IS OWSUMBit 3: More great witty Priok-ness http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/sarcastic.gifBit 4: Frustro is deep. Will you put him in the RPG?Bit 5: Oh it's the journalist guy. He's a prick :PBit 6: So some Time Keepers remember DM:PII but some don't?BTW, Nekron reminds me of Mr. Hyde from that Steven Moffat Jekyll and Hyde thingy.
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#53 Offline Ramona Flowers

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Posted Jun 26 2012 - 03:24 PM

Bit 1: Good ol' witty Pirok http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/sarcastic.gifBit 2: LULWUT XYLAK IS A GREAT BEING OMG DAT IS OWSUMBit 3: More great witty Priok-ness http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/sarcastic.gifBit 4: Frustro is deep. Will you put him in the RPG?Bit 5: Oh it's the journalist guy. He's a prick :PBit 6: So some Time Keepers remember DM:PII but some don't?BTW, Nekron reminds me of Mr. Hyde from that Steven Moffat Jekyll and Hyde thingy.

1: Yup. XD2: Xylak's always been a Great Being. At least, in my mind. RPG Xylak is based on this Xylak, just like RPG Nekron was based on this Nekron.3: 'Every other bloody plan'.4: He's already in the RPG, but I haven't done much with him. Might work him in sometime, though.5: He's not the sharpest knife in the... place where they... keep... the knives...6: Only Incommodo couldn't remember, because of the blow to the back of his head, but he can remember now.

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#54 Offline An Archaic Predicament

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Posted Jun 26 2012 - 05:34 PM

Friggin Fantastic! That bit with Frusto made me start thinking, 'And he SURVIVES this?' Also, why so keen on not letting the Time-Keepers assemble? It wouldn't make THAT big of a difference, would it? :P
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#55 Offline Lontra Canadensis

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Posted Jun 26 2012 - 05:36 PM

My only question is this: Where's Aclaraung?
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#56 Offline Ramona Flowers

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Posted Jun 27 2012 - 12:39 PM

Friggin Fantastic! That bit with Frusto made me start thinking, 'And he SURVIVES this?' Also, why so keen on not letting the Time-Keepers assemble? It wouldn't make THAT big of a difference, would it? :P

Actually, think back. If the six Time-Keepers are close enough together...

My only question is this: Where's Aclaraung?

He'll come in at the same time as Zarnarax, just wait.

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#57 Offline Lontra Canadensis

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Posted Jun 27 2012 - 01:08 PM

When will that be?
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#58 Offline Ramona Flowers

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Posted Jun 27 2012 - 01:08 PM

When will that be?

Soon.

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#59 Offline Lontra Canadensis

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Posted Jun 27 2012 - 01:09 PM

How soon?Next chapter soon?
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#60 Offline Wotzapp

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Posted Jun 27 2012 - 02:48 PM

I'm not even going to ask when/if Zongu's appearing -_-
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#61 Offline Ramona Flowers

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Posted Jun 27 2012 - 03:07 PM

I'm not telling any of you how soon. Honestly, asking for guest stars in a serious epic. http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/mad.gif
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#62 Offline An Archaic Predicament

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Posted Jun 27 2012 - 03:08 PM

Eh. I don't participate in RPG for the most part. Mainly due to my inability to remain focused on one thing for more than 10 minutes at a time. Also, I was kidding Vorex. That will be one scary day
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#63 Offline Lontra Canadensis

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Posted Jun 27 2012 - 03:13 PM

I'm not telling any of you how soon. Honestly, asking for guest stars in a serious epic. http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/mad.gif

Hey, you said you wouldn't care about putting Aclaraung in this. So I just want to know when he's coming out.Honestly, being slightly serious in a not-serious review topic. >:(

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#64 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jun 27 2012 - 08:58 PM

The Parts with Pirok and Proditor were witty and fun, but they don't seem to have a purpose. Yet. What's with you throwing random great beings into the story? *shakes head* Stop pulling the deu ex machinas - if he's dead, he's dead!Corpses are alive? That's an oxymoronic contradiction. Corpses are dead things. Dead things aren't alive. Is the "italics" character another randomly inserted person, or is he someone we know?Nekron seems to be the only character in common with all these plot threads, but we've never seen him before, which is disorienting. So yes, right now I am really confused, as per usual. One thing you might want to try is to pick a single character and write with him/her for a chapter - you tend to write better when you do that, and it makes the whole thing less confusing. I'm addicted to the * * * key myself, but it makes for a better story if you can stay with a character for more than two paragraphs. It allows your audience to better relate to your characters.I'll leave you with that.
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#65 Offline 25K When?

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Posted Jun 28 2012 - 04:14 AM

Well, you have a new chapter....Seemed pretty short. But we've seen Frustro again. I just had some sort of strange thought about you modelling him on Chronn.
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#66 Offline Ramona Flowers

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Posted Jun 28 2012 - 04:20 AM

The Parts with Pirok and Proditor were witty and fun, but they don't seem to have a purpose. Yet.What's with you throwing random great beings into the story? *shakes head* Stop pulling the deu ex machinas - if he's dead, he's dead!Corpses are alive? That's an oxymoronic contradiction. Corpses are dead things. Dead things aren't alive.Is the "italics" character another randomly inserted person, or is he someone we know?Nekron seems to be the only character in common with all these plot threads, but we've never seen him before, which is disorienting.So yes, right now I am really confused, as per usual. One thing you might want to try is to pick a single character and write with him/her for a chapter - you tend to write better when you do that, and it makes the whole thing less confusing. I'm addicted to the * * * key myself, but it makes for a better story if you can stay with a character for more than two paragraphs. It allows your audience to better relate to your characters.I'll leave you with that.

Oh, they will...The Great Being has been in the story since DM:PII.He's the Fe-Matoran whose parts were in italics in DM:PI.Nekron is, so far, in the majority of the plot-threads. He's gonna be pretty important...I like confusing people, and I'm going to be writing more character-in-a-chapter-type-chapters soon, I just need to get everyone in the right place...

Well, you have a new chapter....Seemed pretty short. But we've seen Frustro again. I just had some sort of strange thought about you modelling him on Chronn.

That's funny, because he was originally going to be modelled on Chronn. XP

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#67 Offline An Archaic Predicament

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Posted Jul 05 2012 - 03:46 PM

Looks like things are about to get interesting!So Incommodo, Nikarra, and Akrak are public enemies 1, 2, and 3 (respectively).3 tasks... A maze... Have to admit, this REALLY narrows down the list. There were only a few theories where tasks were involved, and only 2 where one was a maze!The return of the League of Shades! I will admit this: I did not see them coming. Kudos to you sir!Looking forward to Chapter 4 (ASAP).
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#68 Offline Ramona Flowers

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Posted Jul 05 2012 - 03:48 PM

Looks like things are about to get interesting!So Incommodo, Nikarra, and Akrak are public enemies 1, 2, and 3 (respectively).3 tasks... A maze... Have to admit, this REALLY narrows down the list. There were only a few theories where tasks were involved, and only 2 where one was a maze!The return of the League of Shades! I will admit this: I did not see them coming. Kudos to you sir!Looking forward to Chapter 4 (ASAP).

Oh, they really are...Pretty much, yes. :PWow, that's good to know. :)Thankyou, I like shocks. And don't worry, the League will be turning up a lot, Terror especially.I'll do my best.

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#69 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jul 05 2012 - 07:44 PM

The first section smashed the fourth wall in typical style. Although, given the style of this epic, it is getting old (what with the plot armor thing and all). And the End of the World has been overteased so badly - I thought it was supposed to happen at the end of Dark Mirror: Part I...it's like, get to the End of the World already. Or how Inc, Proditor, and Pirok are going to save it, because we all know they will. :evilgrin:

“Ah, a Great Being. You don’t look all that... um... great, to be honest. You’re looking pretty mundane.” Incommodo commented.“Actually, this isn’t my true appearance. I had to... change it a little, so that it wouldn’t completely destroy your mind.” Xylak explained.“Uh-huh. And why exactly am I here? The last time I checked, the world was about to end. I think it might just need my help.”

"commented" and "explained" are said bookisms, which you want to avoid. The fact that Incommodo is commenting and Xylak is explaining should be evident from the dialogue, and it isn't necessary to shove that in the reader's face when it is (and it is!). That aside, I liked the dialogue segment here - typical Inc. Also, I keep getting the feeling that the characters Fear and Terror are supposed to symbolize the emotions of fear and terror, respectively. However, I'm not seeing that actually happening in the story; Pirok isn't terrified or afraid of Frustro, so why are those characters in the room? That's odd.

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#70 Offline Ramona Flowers

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Posted Jul 06 2012 - 03:54 AM

You may be surprised...Ah, thankyou, I'll try to avoid that. And thankyou on the 'typical Inc' comment. :PFear, Dread, and Terror's names mean practically the same thing, which is why they were chosen, among other reasons. Fear and Dread have their own reasons for staying in the room, there, though, don't worry.
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#71 Offline An Archaic Predicament

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Posted Jul 06 2012 - 10:17 AM

So, Fear has a memory power. This could be problematic'The world's most random escape', Feat. NikarraFinnaly. The red and blue Agori return! I must admit I was waiting for them to show up!Why not have her tell them? It wouldn't hurt... Would it?Looks like Reichy isn't too happy with the way things turned out! Serves him right though
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#72 Offline Ramona Flowers

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Posted Jul 06 2012 - 10:19 AM

So, Fear has a memory power. This could be problematic'The world's most random escape', Feat. NikarraFinnaly. The red and blue Agori return! I must admit I was waiting for them to show up!Why not have her tell them? It wouldn't hurt... Would it?Looks like Reichy isn't too happy with the way things turned out! Serves him right though

Mask of Charisma. If he convinces someone that they should forget something, they will.Strave has a tendency to randomly get them out of trouble. Funny, that... http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/sarcastic.gifThey aren't going to be main characters, that was more a cameo than anything else. A tip of the hat, as it were.Just wait and see, my friend.

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#73 Offline Wotzapp

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Posted Jul 06 2012 - 03:01 PM

Chapter 3:Bit 1: Try not to have Arkrak break the fourth wall too much. It kind of ruins the atmosphere.Bit 2: Xylak is cool.Bit 3: Yay, Pirok meets the Dreads Agents League of Shades!Bit 4: Frustro, as prickish and misinformed as ever. I'm surprised the League got such a thing wrong, doesn't improve the image of their RPG selves.Bit 5: Y'know, the Shades are sort of funny, in a way. They give themselves names like 'Fear' and 'Terror' when they're really just regular guys who've been trained to have an epic poker face.Chapter 4:Bit 1:

“Look. Blue moron, grey moron, purple- hello.”

I love this :rolleyes: Aside from that, it's nice to see Ark meet Pie and Prod.Bit 2: Since when was Nikarra able to freeze time? :???: Bit 3: I foresee PirokxNikarra shenanigans.Bit 4: Oh god.It's the Agori.Someone kill them.Bit 5: Nikarra's good in an argument.Bit 6: Reichenbach with conflicting opinions? MADNESS.

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#74 Offline Ramona Flowers

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Posted Jul 06 2012 - 03:05 PM

Chapter 3:It's Arkrak's thing. And that's the first time he's done it.That he is.Yup. http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/cool.pngThe RPG thing has very little in common with this, I just stole one or two details, like the name.Not particularly. Wait and see, Wotz...Chapter 4:I enjoyed writing that, it seemed so Proditor. But I'm glad I got them all together....Since Chapter 1 of DM:PII.Not in the way that you'd expect...It's only a cameo, no need to worry. XDThere'll be a good bit of debating going on with Nikarra.Reichenbach's always had conflicting opinions.
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#75 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jul 06 2012 - 07:03 PM

Chapter 4:Fear has the power of memory erasure? Interesting...I guess he does.

“More importantly, why are you in the news next to the stupidest person who ever lived?” Proditor added.

Well, he did get himself killed. Or almost, anyway. :)

“Welcome to the first annual Apocalypse Team meeting. Now all we need to wait for is Incommodo to drop out of the sky.” Proditor chuckled.

Now Incommodo must drop out of the sky when he is finished with his "tests". :) Just for the incredible "owned" factor that it will have.

“THE END IS APPROACHING!” A voice shouted from nearby.“MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE PREPARED!”“USE THE NEW APOCALYPSE-WARNING SYSTEM!” The beings speaking came into view, earning a groan from Pirok.“Have no fear of the apocalypse! With our newest product, you will receive an advance warning, allowing you to take your valuables underground!” The red Agori shouted, holding up what looked suspiciously like a clock.“Also try our apocalypse shelter, for extra protection!” The blue one added, elbowing his brother.“I think now would be a good time to leave...” Proditor pointed out.

That was completely and totally random. Which reminds me...how exactly is the world going to end, again? It would be nice if we knew, as it would increase the suspense levels.

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#76 Offline Ramona Flowers

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Posted Jul 07 2012 - 05:00 AM

Well, if Fear has a Mask of Charisma and it's his belief that Pirok should forget about their encounter, Pirok will agree, and forget.S'pose so. :PI have bigger plans for him than that.Not completely random. A tip of the hat to Shadows, during which at almost any moment, especially inconvenient ones, two Agori would pop up nearby Pirok and/or Proditor to irritate them. It was a cameo, though. I was just making sure that people remembered that all the old characters did still exist, and were doing their own things (like trying to sell fake apocalypse-protection devices) at that time, so it wasn't just a few Toa in a big, empty world.Actually, there is a very good reason that I'm not revealing the means by which the world ends.

Edited by Using Less Vorex, Jul 07 2012 - 05:01 AM.

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#77 Offline An Archaic Predicament

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Posted Jul 07 2012 - 07:07 AM

Brilliance. Pure brilliance!I just love how well Nikarra is able to beat Pirok at every turn.Also, is Incommodo starting to become a bit more dark in terms of personality? We've seen him use his cleverness before, but not to make multiple creatures kill each other and then proceed to rip the brain out of the last one himself!That bit with the darkness... Is that the 'sight' he was given?Finally... Zarnarax... What happened to 'NO. MORE. MYSTIX.'?
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#78 Offline Ramona Flowers

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Posted Jul 07 2012 - 07:11 AM

Brilliance. Pure brilliance!I just love how well Nikarra is able to beat Pirok at every turn.Also, is Incommodo starting to become a bit more dark in terms of personality? We've seen him use his cleverness before, but not to make multiple creatures kill each other and then proceed to rip the brain out of the last one himself!That bit with the darkness... Is that the 'sight' he was given?Finally... Zarnarax... What happened to 'NO. MORE. MYSTIX.'?

Thankyou. http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/cool.pngThanks.He's definitely starting to become more dark, yes. That'll just keep going until we reach the point you saw in Chapter 11 of DM:PII.No, that was Xylak doing his weird 'reality-manipulation' thing. The 'sight' will be explained later.That was what that whole argument was about, because Kal had been asking about Aclaraung because I'd mentioned Zarnarax would be showing up.

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#79 Offline Wotzapp

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Posted Jul 07 2012 - 07:37 AM

Bit 1: Something tells me he's got little to no sense of direction.Bit 2: EPIC BATTLE MUSIC TIMEBit 3: I love Pirok :wub: Plus this:

“So, we’re dealing with creatures that we know nothing about, who may well be building a Weapon of Mass Destruction?” Arkrak summarised, in the same tone one might use to describe the weather on a particularly boring day.“But for us, it’s Tuesday...” Proditor muttered.

Bit 4: Plot and character development all rolled into one! Huzzah!Bit 5: Mystix yay!Bit 6: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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#80 Offline Ramona Flowers

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Posted Jul 07 2012 - 07:40 AM

1: He's Incommodo. XD2: YAY!3: Pirok is awesome, and Proditor is sarcastic. :P4: Incommodo'll be getting quite a bit of CD.5: Indeed. http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/cool.png6: SQUEE! :wub:
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