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The Three Matoran And Hakann

LSO 2012

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4 replies to this topic

#1 Offline I Am A Walrus

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Posted Jun 19 2012 - 02:07 PM

The Three Matoran and Hakann

Narrator: There was once three Matoran who lived in a small village ruled by a Turaga with no name. The three Matoran, who each happened to have a small fortune to their names, grew bored of living in this simple village. They each decided to leave their village and live on their own in the forest. Everyone else in the village thought they were crazy, but they didn't care. They just wanted some adventure in their lives, which wasn't that much to ask for if you think about it. And so they left, and...

Hakann: HEY NARRATOR!

Narrator: ' turns around' What is it?

Hakann: Can we moved this story along? Its not like anyone reading this wants a history lesson!

Narrator: Fine. But your not in the story yet. BE GONE!

Hakann: 'Vanishes in a puff of smoke'

Narrator: Anyway, one of the Matoran, a Ta-Matoran named Balta, met an straw salesman while looking for a good place to build his house. The Matoran thought it would be a great material to use to build his new home.

Balta: Hey, let me buy all your straw so that I can build myself a house!

Salesman: You sure? Straw isn't the greatest material to build a house with. I'm sure you could find something else..

Balta: 'pulls a two pound diamond out of his pack and holds it up to the Salesman'

Salesman: Then again, who am I to tell someone what to build a house with!

Narrator: So Balta got his straw and used it to build his dream house. But then, the sinister Skakdi named Hakann came to the Ta-Matoran's house.

Hakann: "Suddenly reappears six feet in the air and crashes face-first into the ground" OW! What...happened? Where am 'looks up and sees straw house in front of him' What on earth is that?

Narrator: A straw house. A Matoran with great riches built it, and...

Hakann: MATORAN WITH GREAT RICHES! "runs to the door of the house and begins pounding on it" Let me in! Let me in! LET ME IN! I want those riches!

Balta: 'hears Hakann pounding on his door' What the...? Who's out there?

Hakann: The names Hakann, and I demand that you let me in and give me your great riches!

Balta: Not by the hair that grows out of my shiny red mask I won't, you thief!

Hakann:...You have hair growing out of your mask? Ew.

Balta: I know, but what's one to do?

Hakann: Let me in, or I'll burn your house down!

Balta: HA! Everyone knows that straw is inflammable! So I would love to see you try!

Hakann: :blink: Okay.... "Fires his heat vision, abruptly burning the straw house to the ground"

Balta: HOLY SMOKES! :OMG:

Hakann: You seriously thought that wouldn't happen? Where did you come from? Moron Village?

Balta: Yep.

Hakann: :blink: Okay... 'searches the remains of the house, only to find that there is nothing in them'

Hakann: Where is it?

Balta: Where is what?

Hakann: The riches? YOUR riches?!

Balta: Oh. I spent it all to get the straw to build my house.

Hakann: You WHAT?!

Balta: I said I spent all my treasure for the straw that made up my house! You need a hearing aid or something, dude.

Hakann: WHY YOU LITTLE...!

Narrator: Balta, seeing the murderous expression on Hakann's face, began to run for his life down the road. Hakann ran full speed after him. Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, a Le-Matoran named Piruk is attempting to buy a few hundred sticks from the Salesman.

Piruk: Your sticks would really make a good house for me, my man. Think I can buy them from you?

Salesman: Look, I think you want to buy some logs, not some little sticks that could be blown down with the slightest breeze.

Piruk: 'pulls a three pound diamond out of his pack and holds it up to the Salesman'

Salesman: Nevermind.

Narrator: So Piruk got his sticks and quickly got his house built in a couple hours. He just got the finishing touches when he heard someone coming down the road.

Balta: HELP!

Hakann: STOP SCREAMING AND SLOW DOWN!

Piruk: 'turns and see Balta running towards him, with Hakann not far behind'

Balta: Brother! Help me!

Piruk: Quick! Into my house!

'Both Matoran rushed into the stick house and slammed the door just as Hakann reached it'

Hakann: 'runs straight into the door' Ow!

'The Skakdi backs away from the door, covering his face. After a few seconds, he looks and notices the stick house in front of him.'

Hakann: Well, at least this makes more sense than a straw house.

Balta: 'Overhears Hakann's comment from outside the door' Hey! :burnmad:

Piruk: Go away, you monster! I'll never give you my diamonds!

Hakann: That Ta-Matoran said he had treasure, and...wait, did you say you had diamonds?!

Balta: Yes he did, you hearing-impaired freak.

Hakann: 'Begins pounding on the door" Let me in! Let me in!

Piruk: Not by the hair that grows out of my green-armored feet, you outlaw!

Hakann:....Okay, I always thought that Matoran were disgusting, but this is getting ridiculous!

Piruk: Couldn't agree with you more, but lets see you try to find a foot hair trimmer in the Bionicle universe!

Hakann: Just give me your diamonds! Or I'll burn your house down with my heat vision!

Piruk: HA! Everyone knows that sticks are inflammable! So I would love to see you try!

Hakann:....Really? Whatever school you two went to should be closed. Anyway, I warned you... 'fires heat vision, incinerating the stick house in seconds. Only the two Matoran, a table that somehow didn't burn up in the fire, and the diamonds are all that is left in the spot where the house stood'

Piruk: HOLY SMOKES! :OMG:

Balta: You just had to tell him you had diamonds, didn't you!

Hakann: 'walks up to the two Matoran' Give me your diamonds! NOW!

Piruk: 'gives Hakann the diamonds' Here. Just don't burn us up, okay.

Hakann: See, that wasn't so...wait. 'feels the diamonds in his hands, only to discover something very wrong with them...'

Hakann: WHAT THE...! These diamonds are made out of PAPER!

Piruk: That is my treasure. Paper diamonds.

Hakann: :huh:

Piruk: Well, I did have one real diamond, but I used it to buy all the sticks for my house, which you promptly incinerated.

Balta: 'to Hakann' You are truly a profit-destroyer, Mr. Ugly Face.

Hakann: 'crushes the paper diamonds in his hand' I"M GOING TO GET BOTH OF YOU NOW!

Piruk: RUN FOR IT!

Balta: You don't have to tell me twice!

Narrator: So both Matoran began to run for their lives, with a now enraged Hakann on their tails. After a few minutes of running through the woods, the two Matoran come across the third Matoran of this story, who had just finished building his brick house. This particular Matoran, a Ko-Matoran named Kazi, was standing in front of his house, admiring his work. He had even installed a security camera with microphone next the front door, so that he could talk to anyone who bothered to knock on his door before he even opened it to make sure it wasn't sure burglar or monster to something of the sort, which was wise, if one thought about it, and it made Kazi very proud to think...

Hakann: WILL YOU END THAT RUN-ON SENTENCE AND GET ON WITH THE STORY!

Piruk: Yeah! My buddy and I are being chased by this ugly dude, for crying out loud!

Hakann: HEY! Who are you calling ugly!

Balta: You! Seriously, get a hearing aid!

Narrator: ENOUGH! Anyway, Kazi was admiring his house when he heard his fellow Matoran running up the road to meet him, with Hakann not far behind.

Piruk: Help us bother!

Kazi: Quick! Into my house!

Balta: Deja vu!

Narrator: The three Matoran rush into the house and slam the door shut just as Hakann reached it.

Hakann: 'comes to a stop mere inches from the door' HA! I didn't run into it that time!

Kazi: 'swings the door open, slamming it into Hakann's face, then closes it again'

Hakann: OOOOWWWWWW! 'backs away a couple steps' What is that door make of, concrete?

Kazi: 'from the microphone on the security camera' Actually, it is.

Hakann: Who comes up with something like that?

Kazi: Moron Village's only genius, which is me.

Hakann: It doesn't matter what your door is made of. I can still burn the rest of your house down! Narrator: Hakann fired his heat vision at the house, only to have the lasers bounce off the walls and into the sky, hitting a nearby Toa using a Mask of Flight and causing him to crash into a tall tree.

Toa with Mask of Flight: WHY ME? :crying:

Hakann: That...was random. But how was my heat vision reflected like that?

Kazi: My house is made up of heat-resistant bricks! You'll never be able to burn it down!

Balta: The saying 'the third times the charm' won't apply to you here, ugly face!

Hakann: Well, that makes more sense than inflammable straw and sticks. But how did you make these bricks?

Kazi: This is a BZPower Comedy. Anything goes here, so long as it follows the rules of the Forum!

Piruk: Yeah, so you should just give up now, you hooligan!

Hakann: YOU LITTLE...! 'slams fist into the door, forgetting for a second that it's made of concrete'

Hakann: OUCH!

Kazi: Smooth there, dude. Just face the facts, you'll never be able to get in here and steal my diamonds. You'll just make a bigger fool of yourselves if you keep trying.

Hakann: Well...hold the phone! You have diamonds too! You give them to me right now, or I'll...wait, you still have these diamonds in your house, correct?

Kazi: Yes.

Hakann: And they're REAL diamonds, not paper diamonds or plastic diamonds or rocks that are painted to look like diamonds or...

Kazi: They're real diamonds! I assure you!

Hakann: Okay then. Give them to me, or I'll destroy your house!

Piruk: We've already established that you can't burn this one down, so what else you got?

Hakann: I'll let you know....

Narrator: Hakann came to the conclusion that he would never be able to break into the house.

Hakann: What?

Narrator: So he stormed off in frustration into the woods.

Hakann: No I didn't!

Narrator: THE END.

Hakann: You can't end the story now! I haven't got my diamonds yet!

Narrator: Um....you can't burn it down, dude.

Hakann: There are other ways for me to get those diamonds! All I need is a little strategy. 'walks calmly to the door' Hey, listen. I know that burning down those houses earlier was wrong. I've realized the error of my ways. I'm sorry. To make up for my actions, why don't I take you all to an apple tree near here and we pick apples together. It would be great for us all, wouldn't you say?

Kazi: Nice sob story. I would believe you, except for the fact that we just hear you say over the microphone seconds ago that you still want my diamonds.

Piruk: But if you really want an apple...

'A small opening appears in the door, and an apple comes flying out of it, hitting Hakann in the head'

Hakann: OOOOWWWWW!

Balta: Yeah, we already have plenty of apples. And other foods too, for that matter. So don't try bribing us with food!

Narrator: Can I end it now?

Hakann: NO! I'll just to go to plan B. :evilgrin:

Narrator: 'Sigh' Okay, so the refusing-to-give-up Hakann ran into the woods and somehow came back with a ladder. He set it next to the wall of the house and began climbing up it, with the intent on climbing on the roof to the chimney and sliding down it. But once he got to the top of the ladder, he made a very surprising discovery...

Hakann: WHERE'S THE ROOF?! 'looks down and sees the three Matoran looking up at him, a table with the diamonds on it, and, for some weird reason, a boat sitting on a carpet next to said table'

Kazi: What? Who says a house has to have a roof?

Hakann: But...what do you do if it rains?

Kazi: 'Points to the boat'

Hakann: Oh. And what if an intruder, like yours truly, decides to jump into your roofless house?

Kazi: I do this. 'Grabs a hidden pie from under the table and hurls it at Hakann, striking him in the face'

Hakann: 'Falls back and crashes into the ground'

Balta: 'leaps up, grabs the ladder, and pulls it over the wall and into the house'

Hakann: 'pulls himself up and scraps pie off his face' How hard is it to get into a roofless, heat resistant house?!

Kazi: 'Over the microphone' It's very hard for you, apparently.

Narrator: You know what? I'm ending this now, because I'm getting tired of this insanity!

Hakann: Oh no you WON'T! Not unitl I get those diamonds!

Narrator: Oh yeah? BE GONE!

Hakann: You can't... 'vanishes once again in a puff of smoke'

Narrator: The three Matoran then come out of the house, thankful that the menacing Hakann was gone.

Piruk:....We are?

Kazi: I guess so.

Balta: I wouldn't call that guy 'menacing.' I would call him an arsonist who needed a hearing aid.

Narrator: Relieved that Hakann was gone, the three Matoran went on with their happy lives.

Balta: Happy? MY HOUSE WAS BURNED TO THE GROUND!

Piruk: SAME HERE!Narrator: Not my problem. Now the properly end this weird and kind of pointless story.Kazi: But where are my comrades suppose to live.Narrator: With you, I suppose. I don't really care. THE END.Salesman: WAIT! How come everyone in the story got a name but me?Narrator: I said THE END.Hakann: And where did I vanish too?Narrator: I SAID THE END!

THE END

___________________________________________

This is my first comedy that I've written and posted on BZP. I hope you all enjoyed it. Comments and criticism are welcomed.

Edited by The Smoke Monster, Jun 25 2012 - 03:47 PM.

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What's up? I'm a Walrus now. B-)

 

Check out my Bionicle short stories The Agori and A Skakdi Horror Story.

 

 

Also check out my comedy series Adventures of the Bara Magna Sets!


#2 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jun 19 2012 - 05:34 PM

Brilliant. The ending was a little strange, but no one wanted the classic fairy tale ending anyway, so I think you've got it. :)I did find a few spelling/grammar errors, but I don't think you'll be able to fix them until after the contest. They weren't so prominent that they got in the way of reading your story, however.Minor-league complaints:

Kazi: This is a BZPower Comedy. Anything goes here, so long as it follows the rules of the Forum!

That is such a cop-out from a legit explanation. "Bricks are naturally heat-resistant." might have worked a little better.

Hakann: WHERE'S THE ROOF?! 'looks down and sees the three Matoran looking up at him, a table with the diamonds on it, and, for some weird reason, a boat'Kazi: What? Who says a house has to have a roof?Hakann: But...what do you do if it rains?Kazi: 'Points to the boat'

That must have been a mighty big table to house a boat. Really. :) Still, funny joke anyway - are those walls watertight as well?

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#3 Offline I Am A Walrus

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Posted Jun 19 2012 - 06:03 PM

Brilliant. The ending was a little strange, but no one wanted the classic fairy tale ending anyway, so I think you've got it. :)I did find a few spelling/grammar errors, but I don't think you'll be able to fix them until after the contest. They weren't so prominent that they got in the way of reading your story, however.Minor-league complaints:

Kazi: This is a BZPower Comedy. Anything goes here, so long as it follows the rules of the Forum!

That is such a cop-out from a legit explanation. "Bricks are naturally heat-resistant." might have worked a little better.

Hakann: WHERE'S THE ROOF?! 'looks down and sees the three Matoran looking up at him, a table with the diamonds on it, and, for some weird reason, a boat'Kazi: What? Who says a house has to have a roof?Hakann: But...what do you do if it rains?Kazi: 'Points to the boat'

That must have been a mighty big table to house a boat. Really. :) Still, funny joke anyway - are those walls watertight as well?

Thanks for the review! Yeah, I did notice that I have a couple spelling mistakes. Why is it that I don't notice them in my stories until after I post them? :PI guess that explanation is a cop-out, but I was trying to go for a 'breaking the fourth wall joke' there. (And it helps to explain how the heat vision got reflected off the walls.)I should've worded that sentence talking about the table and boat a little better. I meant for it to say that the boat was simply in the house, not on the table. But now that I read it again, it does say that the boat is on the table. But the LSO rules say that I can edit my entry within 24 hours after I posted it, so I can change it. :)Anyway, thanks again for the review! http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/cool.png

Edited by The Smoke Monster, Jun 19 2012 - 06:06 PM.

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What's up? I'm a Walrus now. B-)

 

Check out my Bionicle short stories The Agori and A Skakdi Horror Story.

 

 

Also check out my comedy series Adventures of the Bara Magna Sets!


#4 Offline Strange Festive Voltex

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Posted Jul 07 2012 - 04:06 PM

Official Comedies Critics Club Review

Narrator: Fine. But your not in the story yet. BE GONE!

"Your" should be "you're".

met an straw salesman

"An" should be "a".

The names Hakann

"Names" should be "name is".Aside from those, I did notice numerous other assorted spelling and grammar errors, but have refrained from quoting them all as I don't feel like turning my review into quote city. That said, the spelling and grammar is one of my only big complaints with this comedy- in some places it did disrupt the flow of the story, making a few sentences awkward to read. I would advise reading stories over once or twice before you post them, and perhaps get someone else to proof read as well (if you don't know anyone outside of BZP that can do this, any friends on this site might be able to help via pm).I'm going to agree with fishers up above about the "it's a BZP Comedy" line- the joke just didn't do it for me, and I think a smarter and more logical explanation, such as the bricks being heat resistant example, would have been both funnier and a better fit with Kazi's character. As for the other characters, I enjoyed the Salesman, Balta, and the Narrator, but Hakann seemed like your typical everyday cartoon villain that we've all seen ten too many times. However, my least favourite character in the comedy by far was Piruk, who just seemed like a rehash of Balta; giving him his own completely different personality would have helped him to stand out a bit more, even if he's just as moronic as Balta. As a spoof of The Three Little Pigs this comedy does very well, and it does involve some interesting differences that I found amusing. Hakann's inadvertently knocking a Toa out of the sky was very funny, and Kazi's lack of a roof was great. I also found Kazi's use of pie as a projectile weapon a very clever take on the overused pie jokes.Overall I did enjoy the comedy, and for the first one you've ever posted on BZPower it is pretty good, and does the trick. My biggest advice would be to double check your comedies (or any other literary works) for any spelling and grammar errors beforehand, and to avoid copping out like you did with Kazi's explanation of the bricks.Score: 70%
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#5 Offline I Am A Walrus

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Posted Jul 08 2012 - 09:56 AM

Thanks for reviewing my comedy! It means a lot.

Aside from those, I did notice numerous other assorted spelling and grammar errors, but have refrained from quoting them all as I don't feel like turning my review into quote city. That said, the spelling and grammar is one of my only big complaints with this comedy- in some places it did disrupt the flow of the story, making a few sentences awkward to read. I would advise reading stories over once or twice before you post them, and perhaps get someone else to proof read as well (if you don't know anyone outside of BZP that can do this, any friends on this site might be able to help via pm).

I never notice any grammar mistakes in my stories, even after I proofread them. :P I'll change the ones you mention, as well as look for others too. (I'm going to wait until after the winners of the Comedy LSO 2012 are announced though.) It's been a while since I've written a story this long, so I guess I've gotten a littler sloppy with my grammar. I'll work on it. :)

I'm going to agree with fishers up above about the "it's a BZP Comedy" line- the joke just didn't do it for me, and I think a smarter and more logical explanation, such as the bricks being heat resistant example, would have been both funnier and a better fit with Kazi's character. As for the other characters, I enjoyed the Salesman, Balta, and the Narrator, but Hakann seemed like your typical everyday cartoon villain that we've all seen ten too many times. However, my least favourite character in the comedy by far was Piruk, who just seemed like a rehash of Balta; giving him his own completely different personality would have helped him to stand out a bit more, even if he's just as moronic as Balta.

Like I said to Fishers64, I was trying to go with a 'break the fourth wall' joke with the 'it's a BZP Comedy' line. I do understand what you're saying about it though. And I do agree that Piruk could've used a different personally than Balta. I actually thought that there was some differences between them, but oh well.

As a spoof of The Three Little Pigs this comedy does very well, and it does involve some interesting differences that I found amusing. Hakann's inadvertently knocking a Toa out of the sky was very funny, and Kazi's lack of a roof was great. I also found Kazi's use of pie as a projectile weapon a very clever take on the overused pie jokes.

Thanks! :)

Overall I did enjoy the comedy, and for the first one you've ever posted on BZPower it is pretty good, and does the trick. My biggest advice would be to double check your comedies (or any other literary works) for any spelling and grammar errors beforehand, and to avoid copping out like you did with Kazi's explanation of the bricks.

I'll work on proofreading my stories better for next time. Thanks again! http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/cool.png
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What's up? I'm a Walrus now. B-)

 

Check out my Bionicle short stories The Agori and A Skakdi Horror Story.

 

 

Also check out my comedy series Adventures of the Bara Magna Sets!





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