Infernum Lator

[JPNML]

The time is midnight. A ba-matoran sprints across a barren field,occasionally looking back at something. Out of carelessness, he trips. Whatever he was running from seems to have caught up with him. Breathing heavily, he manages to say, "Mata nui help me..." just before the monster catches up to him. The area turns cold, just as the monster goes near him. It moves in the blink of an eye. the matoran is gone, with just the matoran's scratched, broken, dead looking komau behind. It walks into the koro near by, looking for more victims. the next day, It is dead quiet. there is a munchmunchmunch in a house near the entrance of the koro, as the thing is feasting on a bloody, mangled, corpse of a matoran, and with enough food for a long time, the thing falls into what seems like a sleep. End

Edited June 24, 2012 by Raiden: Toa of Storms

[Cederak]

I read this story three times and each time I finished, the first thing that came to mind was, "Wow." Not the positive "Wow" either, mind you. And the reason I say that is because of the overwhelming amount of potential in the scene you set up. You have a Matoran victim, a monstrous killer, but zero suspense in your delivery. What can you tell me about the surroundings? Is this a colorful field the Ba-Matoran is running through? Is it sunny? Rainy? Midnight? I don't know because you didn't tell me.Also, why does the area turn cold? Did the weather shift? Did the monster do something in relation to weather control or does it have temperature shifting abilities?Now, here's where I had a serious issue: using Latin. I'm sure you're aware that within the Matoran Universe, there is a language of their own. Because Mata Nui is a giant robot, it's essentially a "coding language" of sorts. That is translated to English for our purposes because that's the native language of the Bionicle story writer. Even if we completely ignore that Latin is a dead language to begin with, that line still felt incredibly out of place. So for you to explain there's a message written on a mask, and then to give me that message in Latin, despite everything else short of your title being in English, is a confusing and unnecessary turn.Next issue, the description of the mask. I'm fairly sure the mask belonged to the Ba-Matoran, but from the way you wrote it, I'm not entirely sure. "Nightmarish" and "deathly" was your portrayal. If the mask belongs to the Ba-Matoran, I must ask, was he trying to scare others by wearing a frightening mask? The only other explanation is that the monster mysteriously left behind a creepy Kanohi for no apparent reason, unless it intends to scare others. Not that it would matter much since the monster proceeds to eat every Matoran in the vicinity anyway.I think I've covered enough of the hypothetical though. Your story suffers from a lack of detail and description, and I think you need to work on really bringing your ideas to life. Even your Ba-Matoran feels very hollow because all we get from him is a moment of sprinting before his untimely end. Writing is a business of sending a signal. What the writer envisions has to be transformed into words and taken down. Then the reader interprets those words and envisions something else. The signal passes through a few conduits in that process and when done competently, it retains the strength it had at the end of its journey in the reader's mind that it began with in the writer's mind.Your objective as a writer is to successfully transfer that signal, that vision of your work, through those channels and fascinate your readers the way your idea fascinated you. Good luck working at that.-Ced

[JPNML]

the mask left behind is a little confusing? well, the monster technically ate the matoran, tried to eat the mask, but the mask survived, really scratched, like a mask death would wear. the nightmarish part was that if a matoran picked it up and wore it, the others would be scared, like something that would be in a nightmare.yeah, I'll keep working on this to get it the best i can make it. thanks for the input!

[Haecceity]

You could work on your descriptions and delivery a bit more, but I agree with Cederak. This has potential, but it's how you express your ideas that counts. Try elaborating on some things, such as the environment and description of the "monster". Why do you call it a "monster"? Is there something about it that would qualify it as a monster instead of a large, predatory Rahi?Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but criticism only helps you to improve! =3