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LSO 2012 Entry Marvah Red Star Dark Destiny

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5 replies to this topic

#1 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jun 23 2012 - 12:07 PM

The Wall of History Channel: Coming up next…

A group of foolish Toa are hand delivered to a miserable fate…

*picture of Toa Nuva being carried up to the top of a volcano*

A group of rogue Matoran embrace the unknown…

*picture of Hahli pressing her hand up against a forcefield, looking at Takanuva with a forlorn expression*

And a powerful ruler contemplates his next move…

*picture of Karzanhi in meditative thought*

The Wall of History Channel: Where the Piraka Come Alive

Paid for by the Friends of the Skakdi and the Ad Council.

* * *

*IMPORTANT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT*

We are looking for qualified Matoran, ages 14 and older, to participate in a clinical rescue mission. This mission involves saving Mata Nui’s life. If you are 14 or older, and suffer from the following conditions, you may be eligible to apply for this mission:

  • Live in Metru Nui
  • Play good Kolhii
  • Translate for Turaga Nuju
  • Invent a machine responsible for saving the Matoran from Bohrok
  • Fly a Gukko bird
  • Be terrible at keeping secrets

* * *

Introducing…a revolution in security technology! It’s the ForceField 4000! Professionally designed and engineered to keep pesky Toa of Light out of your realm…and useful Matoran in. Never have to worry about escapees or invaders, just sit back, relax and enjoy your minions’ labors.*

*Product costs 100 widgets, Turaga Dume’s taxes and shipping extra. Product is only effective against Toa of Light. Other Toa may invade your realm and damages, including flooding, may result. Secrecy is advised to protect your belongings. Effective where applicable, void where prohibited.

* * *

Mavrah switched off the television. A Rahi that could detect beings’ use of mask powers was fiddling with the control panel, sending lightening bolts in random directions. “Knock it off.” muttered Mavrah, trying to dissuade the beast. Giving up, he shoved his arm across the panel. “Knock it off – there are our friends down there.” His arm hit a control knob, shooting a huge lightning bolt at the area, striking six Toa canisters.

Six Toa emerged from the canisters, shooting stars into the sky with their blades. Mavrah gestured to the screen. “See what you made me do? See?”

But the Rahi just made a strange sound as it walked away, a sound mistakable for laughter. “Hey you, get back here!” yelled the Matoran, getting up out of his chair and side tackling his fellow creature, oblivious to the new Toa marching onto the island, ready to take on their new enemy.
 


Edited by fishers64, Dec 07 2013 - 07:46 PM.

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#2 Online CHRIS PRATT

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Posted Jun 23 2012 - 03:36 PM

*picture of Hahli pressing his hand up against a forcefield, looking at Takanuva with a forlorn expression*

"His" should be "her". Just an error I noticed, and the only real noticeable one. I enjoyed it and it was funny, though I didn't quite understand what was going on until the end, when you had Mavrah watching the Toa Inika from the Red Star. However, the way you worked it into the stroyline was great, and for all we know, that's what happened too. -ibrow

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#3 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jun 23 2012 - 03:46 PM

*picture of Hahli pressing his hand up against a forcefield, looking at Takanuva with a forlorn expression*

"His" should be "her". Just an error I noticed, and the only real noticeable one. I enjoyed it and it was funny, though I didn't quite understand what was going on until the end, when you had Mavrah watching the Toa Inika from the Red Star. However, the way you worked it into the stroyline was great, and for all we know, that's what happened too. -ibrow

*uses 24-hour edit rule to escape vicious typo*Yeah, this one isn't really that great. Mostly just going for something other than a slapstick spoof of something - I usually do better with original stuff. :P Case in point...

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#4 Online Purple God

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Posted Jun 24 2012 - 07:33 AM

So ... Mavrah was watching television, and the commercials were referencing events in the 2006 storyline, and then he turned the six Matoran into the Inika?I didn't really understand it, but it seems to be somewhat comedic.
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~Prepare to fight — for, evidently, you have found peace intolerable.~


#5 Offline I Am A Walrus

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Posted Jun 24 2012 - 10:43 AM

Other Toa may invade your realm and damages including flooding may result.

There should be commas after 'damages' and 'flooding.'

His arm hit a control knob, shooting a huge lightning bolt. at the area, striking six Toa canisters.

The period that is in bold shouldn't be there.These are the only grammar mistakes I could find. I liked this story. The funniest part to me was the part that said that other Toa could enter the realm of Karzahni and cause damages.I wish you good luck in the LSO 2012!

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What's up? I'm a Walrus now. B-)

 

Check out my Bionicle short stories The Agori and A Skakdi Horror Story.

 

 

Also check out my comedy series Adventures of the Bara Magna Sets!


#6 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jun 25 2012 - 08:52 PM

So ... Mavrah was watching television, and the commercials were referencing events in the 2006 storyline, and then he turned the six Matoran into the Inika?

Yes, indeed.

Other Toa may invade your realm and damages including flooding may result.

There should be commas after 'damages' and 'flooding.'

His arm hit a control knob, shooting a huge lightning bolt. at the area, striking six Toa canisters.

The period that is in bold shouldn't be there.These are the only grammar mistakes I could find. I liked this story. The funniest part to me was the part that said that other Toa could enter the realm of Karzahni and cause damages.I wish you good luck in the LSO 2012!

I'm going to use the graciousness of Hahli Husky to edit and fix the mistakes.Thanks for the reviews!

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