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Review Topic: Dimension Hoppers


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#1 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Oct 14 2011 - 04:10 PM

This is the review topic for my epic, "Dimension Hoppers," which can be found here.Every chapter is from the first person point of view of Isarot or Toa Kiriah, the main protagonists. I did this mostly for practice in doing multiple first person POVs, although it also allows for a three dimensional view of the entire story. Keep in mind, however, that Isarot and Kiriah, although not dishonest, will often interpret information through their own mind, just as everyone does, and so not everyone they say or think may be entirely correct.Reviews, comments, criticisms, and so on are completely welcome here :) .-TNTOS-

Edited by TNTOS, Jan 16 2012 - 09:48 AM.

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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

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#2 Offline King of the Madness Isles

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Posted Oct 18 2011 - 10:37 PM

I'm very glad to see Dimension Hoppers here on this new BZPower. I kinda slipped out of reading it before the downtime, and this gives me a chance to slip right back in :DLet me start off by complimenting the smooth flow of the writing. It feels natural-the words all fit into eachother.The chapters, rather long chapters, are well though out as far as dividing points between them go, creating some suspense.The Tagiki are cool, and the characters very well developed. Overall, a strong start. Tomorrow I'll read DH:ToT
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"The moral of the story is, I chose a half measure when I should have gone all the way. I'll never make that mistake again. No more half measures Walter."


#3 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Oct 19 2011 - 07:51 AM

Thanks for the review, PB :) . Glad you think the characters are well-developed. I was worried about that, although I always worry about my stories being less than perfect, so yeah :P . Just posted Chapter 3 today, BTW. -TNTOS-
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

A Writerly Blog
The Tasty Library of Sugary Goodness
(My Little BIONICLE: Friendship is Explosive Completed 01/05/14)
{The Shika Trilogy Omnibus Completed 03/31/14) (Review Topic)
(In the End Completed 09/01/14) (Review Topic)
The Biological Chronicle: (2001) (2002) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007) (2008) (2009) (2010)


#4 Offline King of the Madness Isles

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Posted Oct 19 2011 - 05:16 PM

Chaper Three was interesting, to say the least. The sequence where they go through the dimensional portal was awesome, pretty well-written. Weird, too. But in a good way. The new dimension seems intriguing, and I like how the monsters enforce the law O.O And I have a feeling a chase scene is coming...
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"The moral of the story is, I chose a half measure when I should have gone all the way. I'll never make that mistake again. No more half measures Walter."


#5 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Oct 21 2011 - 08:33 AM

@PB: Thanks for the comments :) . -TNTOS-
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

A Writerly Blog
The Tasty Library of Sugary Goodness
(My Little BIONICLE: Friendship is Explosive Completed 01/05/14)
{The Shika Trilogy Omnibus Completed 03/31/14) (Review Topic)
(In the End Completed 09/01/14) (Review Topic)
The Biological Chronicle: (2001) (2002) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007) (2008) (2009) (2010)


#6 Offline Cederak

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Posted Oct 25 2011 - 01:56 AM

Hello, TNTOS. This is your ECC review. As a first note, I should tell you that I saw this epic before creating the ECC, and to be honest, the size was daunting. Coming to request a review, however, essentially forced me to sit through it. And now that I have, I can say it was definitely worth my while. Following Isarot and Kiriah through those extensive eight chapters was quite the adventure, and I intend to follow this epic further. From the beginning, your main characters are quite the pair. They have their own way about them, and it makes for an interesting narrator from them both. Those characters present at the meeting early on, contain that same sense of realism, and that continues to show after the "dimension-hopping" has begun. The attention you paid to crafting individuals like Nasis and Klio remains developed in Lariska and Syala. But Kiriah and Isarot are the stars here, and they shine the brightest, with their tastes and idiosyncrasies available for the reader to pick up along the way. Not to mention, they complement each other rather nicely, in an awkward sort of way. It's appealing to say the least. Spelling was fine, and grammatically, I only came across a few issues.

But I did know that she was around the same age as Klio, with even worse temper.

Chapter 1: with an even worse temper.

After all, I had a dimensional portal before, so I figured this wouldn’t be that shocking or surprising.

Chapter 2: I had seen a dimensional portal before,

“Those Anicans wound you way too badly, Kiri,” said Isarot.

Chapter 5: Those Anicans wounded you way too badly I wanted to mention, starting into Chapter 6, I found it rather amusing that your current user anniversary spinney is an Olmak. Irrelevant to your story, but amusing all the same. Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed your epic thus far. The amount posted had me hesitant to make any attempt at penetrating the massive scale of what you were writing, but by the time I finished, I discovered that this feels like a journey that has only begun. Which means Isarot and Kiriah are excellent at relaying their lives to the reader, which means your capacity for detail is both sharp and complete. This clearly isn't your first rodeo in terms of writing to a large extent, and that experience shows. You have worked at an eloquent craft, and I hope (and assume) you will continue to produce more written work after Dimension Hoppers concludes. -Ced

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#7 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Oct 25 2011 - 08:53 AM

@Cederak: Thanks for the review :) . You posted it much more quickly than I expected. Glad you like Isarot and Kiriah. I spent a lot of time developing them, not just because they are the protagonists, but also because they are the main point of view characters. I wanted to make their first person voices as distinct as possible, so I worked on making sure they were different from each other. Thanks. Also thanks for pointing out those errors. I might fix them sometime, although I generally dislike editing my stories after they are posted. And yes, this is not my first large-scale epic and I will definitely be writing more after this. Again, thanks for the review. It was detailed and helpful, which is what makes a good review IMO. Definitely happy with the ECC. -TNTOS-
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

A Writerly Blog
The Tasty Library of Sugary Goodness
(My Little BIONICLE: Friendship is Explosive Completed 01/05/14)
{The Shika Trilogy Omnibus Completed 03/31/14) (Review Topic)
(In the End Completed 09/01/14) (Review Topic)
The Biological Chronicle: (2001) (2002) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007) (2008) (2009) (2010)


#8 Offline King of the Madness Isles

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Posted Nov 07 2011 - 08:11 PM

Okay, I have been busy, and I'm sorry I haven't posted, but I am catching up now, so I'll post reviews of a few chapters at a time, starting with five and six. Chapter Five is great, and Lariska is a character I like, because I usually like those rogue hero types-people who are on the good side, but either not for the right motives or are willing to be "naughty" along the way. Lariska is the latter, definitely. She seems tricky and sneaky-one of my favorite types for a protagonist, antagonist too in some cases.Chapter Six was nice, and I like how you lowered the length a bit-the epic is good, but perhaps a bit too long. Around how many words are each chapter?I'd also like to say you are excellent at cliffhangers-you leave off at just the right point, at the end of Chapter Six is a pretty good example of that. I'm loving this epic so far. Great work.I'll post my comments on Chapters 7 and 8 soon.Looking forward to more!-PurpleBouncy-
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"The moral of the story is, I chose a half measure when I should have gone all the way. I'll never make that mistake again. No more half measures Walter."


#9 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Nov 08 2011 - 10:13 AM

Thanks for the comments, PB :) .@Lariska: Yeah, I like her, too. She was pretty fun to write, in my opinion.As for chapter length, each chapter averages around 3,000 or 4,000 words (although Chapter 1 was nearly 8,000, while the Prologue was less than 2,000). If DiH had more chapters they would be shorter, but as it only has about 20 they have to be longer. I will keep in mind chapter length, though, for future epics.And thanks for the comment on my cliffhangers. I never gave those much thought, to be honest, or worried that anyone might dislike them, but again thanks anyway.Glad you like my epic. Worked really hard on it, so it's nice to see my hard work pay off :) .-TNTOS-

Edited by TNTOS, Nov 08 2011 - 10:14 AM.

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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

A Writerly Blog
The Tasty Library of Sugary Goodness
(My Little BIONICLE: Friendship is Explosive Completed 01/05/14)
{The Shika Trilogy Omnibus Completed 03/31/14) (Review Topic)
(In the End Completed 09/01/14) (Review Topic)
The Biological Chronicle: (2001) (2002) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007) (2008) (2009) (2010)


#10 Offline Vivian James

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Posted Nov 17 2011 - 12:50 AM

It feels good to be back in the epics forum. Anyway I just read chapter 1 and part of chapter 2, I must say you have a way with character personalities the difference between Isarot and Kiriah is stark and noticeable. I envy your skills of creating characters.One thing that bugged me was the lack of description for Tagiki (or whatever Isarot is) aside from the fact they have wings, to be fair I have only read chapter 1 and part 2, plus I might have missed it. I just want to point this out the name Kolora makes me think of the disease cholera (cholera - an acute intestinal infection caused by ingestion of contaminated water or food). Did that ever cross your mind by any chance?Keep on writing.
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#11 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Nov 17 2011 - 10:10 AM

Thanks for the comments, muharax :) .So glad you think I made Isarot and Kiriah different enough from each other. Making Isarot and Kiriah different and distinct from each other was one of the hardest things about writing this fic, because they both use the first person POV. As you and a few others have told me how different I and K are, I think I succeeded in that regard.Yes, I don't think I really ever did describe the Tagiki. I imagine Tagiki to be bigger and bulkier than Toa, but not like giant or anything. They have wings, as you said, and two-toed feet, if I remember correctly. They are also humanoid, like Toa. Beyond that I haven't given their physical appearance much thought. @Kolora/cholera: No, but that explains why Kolora's name always felt familiar to me. The fact that the two words look and sound similiar is a coincidence.Again, thanks for the reply. Really appreciate it :) .-TNTOS-
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

A Writerly Blog
The Tasty Library of Sugary Goodness
(My Little BIONICLE: Friendship is Explosive Completed 01/05/14)
{The Shika Trilogy Omnibus Completed 03/31/14) (Review Topic)
(In the End Completed 09/01/14) (Review Topic)
The Biological Chronicle: (2001) (2002) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007) (2008) (2009) (2010)


#12 Offline hervanax

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Posted Nov 23 2011 - 06:22 PM

i have returned to reviewthe epic has just gotten better since i last read itkeep up the good pre-writin work
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#13 Offline Vivian James

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Posted Nov 23 2011 - 09:13 PM

Hervanx is back, now if only Tahu Spirit of the mist returned we could have the original gang back from the days of The Shika Trilogy. Anyway on to my review of 2, 3, and 4: The Good, the bad, and the stuff I couldn't categorize.The good:I didn't have to work too hard find something good but I'll highlight my favorites. Isarot's excitement adds more dimension to his character (granted he already was well rounded). I also liked the fact he doesn't understand what it is like to have a Kanohi mask, something few beings in the Bionicle canon have wondered. Another was Kiriah's experience with dimension hopping it's a logical one. The whole Tagiki Matoran thing seemed out of nowhere but Kiriah briefly explaining and me looking back on chapter 2, I realized it was there all along. Nice job using those small details. Also I like the whole "the olmak will drive you insane if abused" it adds more danger to the tale.The bad:Kiriah saying gazillion kinda rubbed me the wrong way. It's not like Kina's cringe inducing character establishing "WAHOO!!!!" (it's not even close to that) but still. Another about Kiriah the crush on Toa Nasis is starting to bug me it's a major issue it just bugs me a tiny bit. I'd like to Nasis do something worth admiring. One last thing, chapter 2 kinda slowed the plot down a bit IMO. Yeah I know this looks like I'm being very negative but actually it was very hard to find something wrong with this.The stuff I couldn't catogerize:First when you first described the "Republic" I instantly thought of Glitch in the System. Was that a shout out? The Anican, I have two things to say about them. First their description made me think of Slenderman (if you see him, you're his next victim) and second I thought of Anakin Skywalker mostly because of the way they're spelled. Anyway keep up the good up the good work.
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#14 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Nov 23 2011 - 09:36 PM

Wow. Two replies in a row. There must be a blue moon out tonight :P .@herv: I haven't seen you in a while, but thanks for replying anyway. Nice to see you're still around.@muharax: Thanks for the fairly detailed review on chapters 2-4. It's always great whenever someone takes the time to specifically point out what they like and dislike about my stories (and why they like/dislike it). It helps me, as a writer, quite a bit, and I am sure it helps you become a better reviewer, too.Technically, Kiriah does not have a crush on Nasis. Her desire to do something impressive enough to attract Nasis's attention and offer her membership in the Toa Tanjo is so strong that it sometimes appears she's attracted to him, although that is not the case.Yes, Isarot thought she had a crush on him, but keep in mind that in this story, both Isarot and Kiriah unconsciously let their own biases and prejudices influence their point of views. Isarot doesn't know everything that goes on in Kiriah's head. He's simply judging by what he has seen and heard and to him it appears that Kiriah has a crush on Nasis, although in reality that is not true.No. The Republic idea isn't a shout out or reference to GitS, because to be honest it has been a while since I last read GitS and I don't remember that much about it. I should probably reread it, though, because I don't remember ever actually finishing it.Actually, I imagine the Anicans to be similar to the Vahki, except stronger, slimer, taller, and less varied (as in, there is really only one type of Anican, while there are at least six different kinds of Vahki). I didn't intend on referencing Anakin Skywalker's name, but I agree the two names look, sound, and are spelled similar (but rest assured there is no chance of the entire Anican police force suddenly turning to the Dark Side and getting cool red light sabers). And I definitely didn't base them on the Slenderman, either, so any resemblances between them and it are just coincidences.Again, thanks for the detailed reply. I always appreciate them, no matter whether they're mostly positive or mostly negative (although I admit I always like the positives ones best :P ).-TNTOS-
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

A Writerly Blog
The Tasty Library of Sugary Goodness
(My Little BIONICLE: Friendship is Explosive Completed 01/05/14)
{The Shika Trilogy Omnibus Completed 03/31/14) (Review Topic)
(In the End Completed 09/01/14) (Review Topic)
The Biological Chronicle: (2001) (2002) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007) (2008) (2009) (2010)


#15 Offline Vivian James

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Posted Nov 23 2011 - 10:00 PM

What no light sabers I'm out of here. Who am I kidding I can't leave an epic written by TNTOS simply because there are no sith light sabers. I'm glad you appreciate my reviews, and you're right about me becoming a better reviewer. I think I starting to get some kind of editor vision. Now if I could only do that with my English assignments. It's like my way of saying thank you for all those times you've reviewed a story of mine. It also brings back memories of when I first joined BZP to post an epic. Plus it helps my post count which is dangerously low.I think I'm continue reading DiH or DiHToT can't decide.P.S. I can't see the moon from where I'm at but I don't there is a blue moon tonight. I check and get back to you on that.
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#16 Offline hervanax

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Posted Nov 24 2011 - 09:37 AM

now that its morning and i am no longer tired i will give some actual feed backfirst of all i haven't been here because i have just now figured out what the redirect on bzpowers home page was for (i wonderd why i was the only one on the old bzp)second reviewsi kind of see how this ties in to the shika nui epicsbut it wasn't how i expected it wouldon the ship my first inpression was that all the barrike(miss spelled) were on the ship and i thought that the beaing that brought them up was kalma(again miss spelled)i like how your wrighting this epic for bionicle fans that have grown up in a way so it is still vary interesting"Kiriah and I had just appeared out of nowhere, with a mask he had seen in his dreams, and had given an extremely fishy story."elecks(3rd miss spelled name) crew just dragged them out of the wateranyone want to guess what i am getting at here :sly:muharax there is sith herethe black cloaked being is a sith lordwhy else would he wear a black cloakwell that's all now on to the other story

Edited by hervanax, Nov 24 2011 - 09:45 AM.

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#17 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Nov 24 2011 - 10:39 AM

What no light sabers I'm out of here. Who am I kidding I can't leave an epic written by TNTOS simply because there are no sith light sabers. I'm glad you appreciate my reviews, and you're right about me becoming a better reviewer. I think I starting to get some kind of editor vision. Now if I could only do that with my English assignments. It's like my way of saying thank you for all those times you've reviewed a story of mine. It also brings back memories of when I first joined BZP to post an epic. Plus it helps my post count which is dangerously low.I think I'm continue reading DiH or DiHToT can't decide.P.S. I can't see the moon from where I'm at but I don't there is a blue moon tonight. I check and get back to you on that.

Read both :P .

now that its morning and i am no longer tired i will give some actual feed backfirst of all i haven't been here because i have just now figured out what the redirect on bzpowers home page was for (i wonderd why i was the only one on the old bzp)second reviewsi kind of see how this ties in to the shika nui epicsbut it wasn't how i expected it wouldon the ship my first inpression was that all the barrike(miss spelled) were on the ship and i thought that the beaing that brought them up was kalma(again miss spelled)i like how your wrighting this epic for bionicle fans that have grown up in a way so it is still vary interesting"Kiriah and I had just appeared out of nowhere, with a mask he had seen in his dreams, and had given an extremely fishy story."elecks(3rd miss spelled name) crew just dragged them out of the wateranyone want to guess what i am getting at here :sly:muharax there is sith herethe black cloaked being is a sith lordwhy else would he wear a black cloakwell that's all now on to the other story

Thank you for the longer reply, herv :) . Really appreciate it.I didn't write this epic with older BIONICLE fans in mind, necessarily. I just happened to write it this way because I can do whatever I want with fanfiction and this just happens to be the way I write. Glad you like it anyway, though.Yes. Ehlek's crew dragged the two out of the water and afterwards they gave him a fishy story. Heh.Anyway, since tomorrow is Friday, that means it'll be another chapter of DiH and also TOT. So stay tuned until then, faithful readers!-TNTOS-

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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

A Writerly Blog
The Tasty Library of Sugary Goodness
(My Little BIONICLE: Friendship is Explosive Completed 01/05/14)
{The Shika Trilogy Omnibus Completed 03/31/14) (Review Topic)
(In the End Completed 09/01/14) (Review Topic)
The Biological Chronicle: (2001) (2002) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007) (2008) (2009) (2010)


#18 Offline hervanax

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Posted Nov 25 2011 - 01:21 PM

i predict krekka will be in the groupi like krekka he was a bad guy in the real story line but that's because he was under a bad influencei am wondering why that black cloaked guy wants two time stonesand why he didn't just steal both of them instead of having ehlek bring it and possibly lose it to a sea monsterby the way are you ever going to explain the death of brutaka in a different story or is that still undecided
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#19 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Nov 25 2011 - 01:56 PM

i predict krekka will be in the groupi like krekka he was a bad guy in the real story line but that's because he was under a bad influencei am wondering why that black cloaked guy wants two time stonesand why he didn't just steal both of them instead of having ehlek bring it and possibly lose it to a sea monsterby the way are you ever going to explain the death of brutaka in a different story or is that still undecided

1) No, Krekka will not join Isarot and Kiriah. He just happens to be important in the Ehlek universe (or perhaps World's End universe? Haven't decided on a name yet), similar to Lariska's role in the Brutaka universe.2) For the first question: That will be revealed in a few chapters, don't worry. All I can say is that it is very important to the story.Second question: That will be answered in the next chapter.3) Brutaka's death was the result of a hallucination induced by an overdose of antidermis and overexposure to the power of the Mask of Life. Lariska merely thought there might be more to it because she didn't want to believe her king was completely insane. That's all.-TNTOS-

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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

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#20 Offline King of the Madness Isles

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Posted Nov 28 2011 - 09:51 PM

Finally caught up, all thirteen chapters, and I love the World's End/Ehlek universe (I like it better than the Brutaka universe, though the BU was still cool). Krekka would have to be my favorite supporting character yet, with Ehlek as a close second, then Amphibax (I'm just in an ocean mood, aquatic mood). As for main characters, Isarot and Kiriah are both awesome.Amphibax looked her over for a moment before saying, “Well, since you are the only female member of the crew besides the Chronicler, Lord Ehlek has decided that in order to keep his men’s minds on the task rather than on . . . other things . . .”It wasn’t hard to guess what these ‘other things’ were. It was clear Kiriah knew, too, for she looked extremely embarrassed.(quote thingy won't work)If it doesn't work out with those sailors, Zaktan would be an option for Kiriah. I mean, it might not work out with Hahli, since there's competition. Maybe a blind date for Zaktan and Kiri? :POverall, a great epic! Definitely my favorite BZP epic (I've read more than you'd think, especially back in my guest days)! -PurpleBouncy-
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"The moral of the story is, I chose a half measure when I should have gone all the way. I'll never make that mistake again. No more half measures Walter."


#21 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Nov 29 2011 - 10:00 AM

[quote name='PurpleBouncy]Finally caught up' date=' all thirteen chapters, and I love the World's End/Ehlek universe (I like it better than the Brutaka universe, though the BU was still cool). Krekka would have to be my favorite supporting character yet, with Ehlek as a close second, then Amphibax (I'm just in an ocean mood, aquatic mood). As for main characters, Isarot and Kiriah are both awesome.[/quote']Yes, I liked the World's End universe, too. In fact, I liked the island itself so much that it will be the setting of the upcoming mini-epic, "The Ghost King of World's End." (Note: The mini-epic will take place in the normal Shikaverse, not in the World's End universe.)Glad you like Krekka, Ehlek, and Amphibax. Ehlek was probably the funnest to write, which is odd because he is the craziest and most violent. Perhaps that is why he is so fun :P .[quote name='PurpleBouncy]If it doesn't work out with those sailors' date=' Zaktan would be an option for Kiriah. I mean, it might not work out with Hahli, since there's competition. Maybe a blind date for Zaktan and Kiri? :P [/quote']Nah. Kiriah and Zaktan just wouldn't mix. It'd be like ice cream and salt; just doesn't work, you know?[quote name='PurpleBouncy]Overall' date=' a great epic! Definitely my favorite BZP epic (I've read more than you'd think, especially back in my guest days)![/quote']Thank you :) . I noticed you're advertizing it in your sig, which I like.-TNTOS-
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

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#22 Offline King of the Madness Isles

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Posted Dec 02 2011 - 04:36 PM

Violent, crazed people are always the most fun to write about.Actually, a special kind of salt is used to make ice cream.And I only advertise things I really like. Like Dimension Hoppers! :DChapter Fourteen was awesome. The army of the skeletons is sweet, and I like how Krekka is helping (because he is awesome). Great chapter.Wondering what Amphibax and Ehlek will do with Isarot and Kiriah after the battle though...
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"The moral of the story is, I chose a half measure when I should have gone all the way. I'll never make that mistake again. No more half measures Walter."


#23 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Dec 02 2011 - 04:52 PM

Violent, crazed people are always the most fun to write about.Actually, a special kind of salt is used to make ice cream.And I only advertise things I really like. Like Dimension Hoppers! :biggrin:Chapter Fourteen was awesome. The army of the skeletons is sweet, and I like how Krekka is helping (because he is awesome). Great chapter.Wondering what Amphibax and Ehlek will do with Isarot and Kiriah after the battle though...

Thanks for the comments :) . Glad you like Chapter 14.As for what Ehlek and Amphibax will do with Isarot and Kiriah, well, that's assuming Isarot and Kiriah hang around that much longer. You'll see next chapter.-TNTOS-

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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

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#24 Offline hervanax

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Posted Dec 02 2011 - 05:48 PM

i think karirh needs to travel to our demention and grab some shotgunswell we seem to learn more about the time stonetime stone gives +100 to reviving when used on an island in a giant robots footcant wate for more
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#25 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Dec 02 2011 - 09:01 PM

i think karirh needs to travel to our demention and grab some shotgunswell we seem to learn more about the time stonetime stone gives +100 to reviving when used on an island in a giant robots footcant wate for more

Thanks for the reply :) .The Time Stone appears to do that, but it's true purpose has yet to be revealed. That's all I am saying.-TNTOS-

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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

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#26 Offline hervanax

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Posted Dec 09 2011 - 03:29 PM

causing its corpse to fall to the ground, lifeless.overkill :biggrin:now i really want to know what the time stone is forand who the theft was from Toa Darranas time because i am pretty sure they are not the same personhmm maybe there the same person from different dimensions
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#27 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Dec 09 2011 - 06:48 PM

causing its corpse to fall to the ground, lifeless.overkill :biggrin:now i really want to know what the time stone is forand who the theft was from Toa Darranas time because i am pretty sure they are not the same personhmm maybe there the same person from different dimensions

First point: There is no kill like overkill, I always say :) .As for the thief's identity, we will learn that next chapter. Not going to say much more.-TNTOS-

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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

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The Biological Chronicle: (2001) (2002) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007) (2008) (2009) (2010)


#28 Offline Vivian James

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Posted Dec 12 2011 - 07:37 PM

Well I got a new christmas themed avatar here it is if anyone's interested. But I didn't post here to inflate my ego (hopefully it will get smaller soon) I came here to review. The good, the bad, and the yadda yadda you know what I do.The Good:First I am starting to relate to Kiriah a little more that's always good. Also I like the two Toa, even two minor characters you can give good personalities to. The flashback was nice and new. The referencing of your Shika Trilogy was a plus I liked it.The Bad:[quote]She said she was an enemy of the ‘Republic,’ whatever that was, so she was probably on the run all the time[/quote]I feel the bolded part is a little redundant mainly because the cloaked has told us that she is on the run. Also Toa of Lightning are blue and white not yellow and white that's for Toa of Light. Lariska is kinda coming off as annoying to the people who saved her but she can be redeemed.The Stuff I couldn't catergorize:[quote name='Kiriah]Shika Nui? I searched my memory for that name' date=' but couldn’t remember if I’d ever heard of an island called Shika Nui before. I wondered where that was, or if it even existed. Somehow none of this seemed real to me, almost like a dream. But at the same time it felt too real to merely be a dream, like I was witnessing an actual event happening here[/quote'] :o How dare she not know that Shika Nui exists that :censored: , next thing you know Black Six will secretly be Chuck Norris. Sorry about that. Is the Kra Matoran empire an anology to an old empire Napoleon perhaps. Curse you TNTOS now I can't read Paranoia thanks to reading chapter 5.Anyway that's all I have to say for now, I'll looking forward to reading chapter 6. Man the post seems a lot smaller when I preview it.

Edited by muharax makuta of insanity, Dec 12 2011 - 10:49 PM.

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#29 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Dec 13 2011 - 10:04 AM

First I am starting to relate to Kiriah a little more that's always good. Also I like the two Toa, even two minor characters you can give good personalities to. The flashback was nice and new. The referencing of your Shika Trilogy was a plus I liked it.

Thank you :) . Glad you liked the flashback, although it is a bit more than a simple reference to the Shika Trilogy. That's all I'm gonna say for now.

I feel the bolded part is a little redundant mainly because the cloaked has told us that she is on the run. Also Toa of Lightning are blue and white not yellow and white that's for Toa of Light. Lariska is kinda coming off as annoying to the people who saved her but she can be redeemed.

First point: If I remember correctly, that is from Kiriah's POV. She is often redundant and more wordy than Isarot, hence the "probably on the run all the time" line.Second point: I know that, but I made Klio's color scheme before the official colors of Toa of Lightning were confirmed to be blue and white. I like yellow and white better anyway, since it adds a bit more variety among the female Toa elements (although since all elements can have both genders in the Shikaverse, I suppose that isn't very good reasoning).Also, Toa of Light are gold and white, not yellow and white. Gold and yellow do look similar, true, but they're still not the same.Third point: I am not sure what you're saying here. Are you saying that you think Lariska is annoying or that she is annoying to the other characters? Please clarify.

:o How dare she not know that Shika Nui exists that :censored: , next thing you know Black Six will secretly be Chuck Norris. Sorry about that. Is the Kra Matoran empire an anology to an old empire Napoleon perhaps. Curse you TNTOS now I can't read Paranoia thanks to reading chapter 5.

No, the Kra-Matoran Empire is not supposed to be an analogy to the Napoleon Empire. Any similarities between the two are entirely coincidental.Muhaha, my evil plan to make sure people don't read my old short stories is working! Muhahah :P !-TNTOS-

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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

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#30 Offline hervanax

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Posted Dec 16 2011 - 05:08 PM

“You are correct, Kiriah. I am Toa Darranas, Toa of Plasma and deputy leader of the Toa Avha, the one and only, TNTOS used plot twistnot counting my infinite alternate universe counterparts.bad guys are always the funnyist :lol:it funny how i started to get the feeling that it was toa darranas a fue paragraphs before it was revealed it was himand now i remember Mask of Charisma from a flash backi cant wate to see how this turns out
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#31 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Dec 16 2011 - 07:16 PM

“You are correct, Kiriah. I am Toa Darranas, Toa of Plasma and deputy leader of the Toa Avha, the one and only,TNTOS used plot twistnot counting my infinite alternate universe counterparts.bad guys are always the funnyist :lol:it funny how i started to get the feeling that it was toa darranas a fue paragraphs before it was revealed it was himand now i remember Mask of Charisma from a flash backi cant wate to see how this turns out

First point: It's super effective :P .Second point: I didn't intend for that line to be humorous, but it kind of is, now that I think about it.Third point: Ah, that means you were paying attention to the hints and clues leading up to the reveal. Or maybe I wasn't being subtle enough, heh.Anyway, thanks for the reply. Really appreciate it :) .-TNTOS-

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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

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#32 Offline hervanax

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Posted Dec 17 2011 - 12:06 PM

actually i figured it out THEN remembered all the hints and thought "now it all makes sense"also since i figured it out it wasn't super effectivei did not get confused and did not hurt myself :P

Edited by hervanax, Dec 17 2011 - 01:03 PM.

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#33 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Dec 17 2011 - 01:06 PM

actually i figured it out THEN remembered all the hints and thought "now it all makes sense"also since i figured it out it wasn't super effectivei did not get confused and did not hurt myself :P

I love it when stories hint at things but never explicitly reveal them until the end or near the end. The Harry Potter series, for instance, does that a lot, which is why I always enjoyed the books.Hence why I do these kinds of mysteries in my stories; I enjoy them in other fictional works, so why not use them myself? -TNTOS-

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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

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The Biological Chronicle: (2001) (2002) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007) (2008) (2009) (2010)


#34 Offline Vivian James

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Posted Dec 17 2011 - 01:20 PM

“You are correct, Kiriah. I am Toa Darranas, Toa of Plasma and deputy leader of the Toa Avha, the one and only, TNTOS used plot twistnot counting my infinite alternate universe counterparts.bad guys are always the funnyist :lol:it funny how i started to get the feeling that it was toa darranas a fue paragraphs before it was revealed it was himand now i remember Mask of Charisma from a flash backi cant wate to see how this turns out

Curse you hervanax, I'm not even at chapter seven and you spoil it for me.@TNTOS no anolagy to Napoleon ah well can't have everything. Anyway no review for now, I don't know when I will but I'll get to it eventually.

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#35 Offline hervanax

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Posted Dec 17 2011 - 01:25 PM

muharax blame bzpowernow that they have changed the set up i don't know where the spoiler tags areTNTOS guess what your story's are now facing a problem many great books face: people spoiling the ending for othersyour on the road to greatness
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#36 Offline Vivian James

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Posted Dec 17 2011 - 01:32 PM

muharax blame bzpowernow that they have changed the set up i don't know where the spoiler tags areTNTOS guess what your story's are now facing a problem many great books face: people spoiling the ending for othersyour on the road to greatness

Wait there was a time when TNTOS wasn't on the road to greatness, I must study this more in depth.Hervanax I think to put spoilers is probably something like this:
[spoiler]insist dramatic twist here[/spoiler]
Which results in this:
Spoiler

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#37 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Dec 17 2011 - 07:18 PM

muharax blame bzpowernow that they have changed the set up i don't know where the spoiler tags areTNTOS guess what your story's are now facing a problem many great books face: people spoiling the ending for othersyour on the road to greatness

Then I am afraid I must ask you to sign a contract that says you will agree to never spoil major plot points from my stories ever again.Now if I only had this contract, then we could make this official :P .Seriously, though, I do worry about people spoiling my stories, although it never amounts to much because so few people read my stories. Not much I can do about it, really, except hope that people read all the way up to whatever the latest chapter is before checking out the review topic.

Wait there was a time when TNTOS wasn't on the road to greatness, I must study this more in depth.

Oh, yeah. There was a time when I was definitely not on the road to greatness (and arguably I may still have a long way to go). Any of my early fanfics can prove that, heh.-TNTOS-

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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

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The Biological Chronicle: (2001) (2002) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007) (2008) (2009) (2010)


#38 Offline King of the Madness Isles

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Posted Dec 18 2011 - 06:26 PM

Caught up, and loving it! The thief is awesome, and he is Toa Darranas, which just makes it all the more amazing!I kinda guessed it just a few paragraphs before, like Hervanax, which is good writing, letting them know a very short while before, then giving them conformation. The Kiriah puppet thing was epic (when she was controlled and attacked Isarot).I'm sad we won't get to know what happens to Krekka though...or maybe we WILL...hmm...In that "Ghost King of World's End" short story. Maybe. Hoping for it.Also can't wait for inevitable epic battle...
Spoiler

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#39 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Dec 19 2011 - 10:24 AM

Caught up, and loving it! The thief is awesome, and he is Toa Darranas, which just makes it all the more amazing!I kinda guessed it just a few paragraphs before, like Hervanax, which is good writing, letting them know a very short while before, then giving them conformation. The Kiriah puppet thing was epic (when she was controlled and attacked Isarot).I'm sad we won't get to know what happens to Krekka though...or maybe we WILL...hmm...In that "Ghost King of World's End" short story. Maybe. Hoping for it.Also can't wait for inevitable epic battle...

Spoiler

I find it interesting that no one has yet asked me how Darranas is the thief when he supposed to be dead. Of course that will all be answered in the next chapter, so perhaps that is why no one has asked about it.Technically, Kiriah was not being controlled by Darranas. He was simply heavily influencing her, using the power of suggestion to make her attack Isarot. So it wasn't true mind control, although it was pretty close.As for Krekka, no, he will not appear in The Ghost King of World's End, which will take place in the Shikaverse, in which Krekka is dead. Perhaps I'll write a short story or something dealing with the fate of Ehlek and his crew. Or maybe I will be able to work it in a future story, depending on if I see it as necessary or not. We'll see.And thank you for the reply. Always appreciate it :) .-TNTOS-

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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

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#40 Offline Cederak

Cederak
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Posted Dec 21 2011 - 11:45 PM

As promised, I have been closely following this epic since my initial review. Of course, another eight chapters of story have transpired since then, and your work continues to impress. I glanced above at your worry of events being spoiled, so I won't say anything that might ruin certain surprises. What I can say is that the latest worlds you have painted are so vivid, and full of life in their own ways. Imagery, landscapes, and sensory details are omnipresent, and that makes your worlds feel inches away.Moreover, the characters introduced in later chapters have that same spark of life, containing touches of your own creativity without betraying where their influence comes from. As for the characters that are your own, homegrown entities, their depth remains as real and strong as those from the official storyline. Over the course of a story, the audience begins to have an expectation of how the main characters interact with their surroundings, and that early dynamic I discussed has flourished - your first person perspective certainly paid off in this respect.If the first post remains correct, and Dimension Hoppers concludes at twenty chapters, then the end is certainly close. I'm curious to see how you'll wrap things up. Reviewers of this epic have made reference to your other stories, so whether this is a story that will tie up all the loose ends, or leave certain questions lingering overhead, there is a little doubt in my mind that it will be a satisfying finale. Once again, excellent writing, TNTOS.-Ced
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