Benevolent

[Noble Tehurye]

Benevolent

By Tehurye

The Ga-Matoran screamed as she was thrown to the ground. Wiping the tears and dirt from her eyes, she turned over to face her attacker, and found herself staring into a blood red Kanohi Crast.The tall, four-armed Makuta attached to the Crast chuckled. “Well, well... what have we here? I’m sure you wouldn’t mind explaining why you were spying on the Brotherhood...”The Matoran shook with fear. “I... I wasn’t spying!” she cried. “I j-just lost my way home...”The Makuta shook his head with mock pity. “Oh dear, oh dear... you are the second Matoran this week to lose their way near here. It is a rather confusing maze of rocks, isn’t it? Almost like a trap... well, I don’t need to tell you what happened to him. You’ll find out soon enough.” He grinned cruelly. The small Matoran’s voice was halfway between a sob and a plea. “P-P-Please!”“Oh?” said the Makuta. “You’d just like me to let you go, wouldn’t you? I’m so sorry, but it’s my job to deal with anyone who’s lost their way around here. I can’t help it; I’m just so good at it that I was the natural choice for the job.” He laughed again, taking delight in the Matoran’s sheer terror.The Ga-Matoran screamed again as the Makuta drew a long, thin knife and sharpened it on his own mask...A whistling sound made the Makuta look up behind him – and, for the half-second of consciousness remaining to him, he wished that he hadn’t.Thonk.My heavy shield connected with the Makuta’s mask, sending him flying across the rocky clearing, where he slumped to the ground, unconscious. Looking around, I gently picked up the trembling Matoran and made off, my Kakama glowing as I gained speed...A short while later, I slowed down outside the Matoran’s village. Setting her down gently by the gates, I began to leave for the nearby forest.As I left, a small, timid voice reached my ears. “Thank you.”I turned to face the Matoran once more, tears coming to my eyes for a reason that I couldn’t explain. “It’s what I do,” I managed to say. “You’re welcome.”With that, I left the village and entered the forest.

-----

As a Toa, this was my life. Sworn to protect the Matoran, I moved from village to village on the Southern Continent, helping the Matoran out of their troubles, defending them from the ever-present Makuta. Despite this, I had never faced one of those beings of shadow directly. This was a thing I dreaded... for I felt sure that somehow, my fate would lead me to just that: A battle with a Makuta. I had dreams about it, dreams about what it would be like...I always lost.I'd like to thank everyone who commented on my original story, "Worth". You all gave me the encouragement I needed to continue writing. In that topic, I mentioned another story of mine that was in the works; well, this isn't it. This idea came to me more recently. The story I mentioned before has been put on hold, it's long and I need to step away from it for a couple months. So I'll likely just be writing quite short stories, like this one, for a while.I'd like to continue this story, in some way. I have a general idea of how a plot line would go.... I'll have to see about it.As always, hope you all enjoyed it! That's why I write...

[Voltex]

I enjoyed the read, although the sudden shift from apparent third-person perspective to first-person was a little awkward. I'd certainly be interested in reading more regarding this Toa; he sounds like someone that could be fascinating to read about if done correctly. One major complaint I would have is that nothing really happens here, though. The Toa saves one Matoran and then that's it; no real backstory is given otherwise. A few sentences even describing what had happened to the last Matoran would suffice, to amp up the threat to the Ga-Matoran in the beginning.-ibrow

[Noble Tehurye]

I enjoyed the read, although the sudden shift from apparent third-person perspective to first-person was a little awkward. I'd certainly be interested in reading more regarding this Toa; he sounds like someone that could be fascinating to read about if done correctly. One major complaint I would have is that nothing really happens here, though. The Toa saves one Matoran and then that's it; no real backstory is given otherwise. A few sentences even describing what had happened to the last Matoran would suffice, to amp up the threat to the Ga-Matoran in the beginning.-ibrow

I'm glad you enjoyed it!I would agree with you in that not a lot happens, nor is the span of time very great. However, that's simply my style. If you read my story "Worth" you'd know what I mean. I have a knack for putting a good story into something that only takes up a small amount of time. Forget talent, I just plain like to do it! Probably just my mentality.And I tried to think about the way a nastily cruel Makuta would speak. I highly doubt that one of them would say:"Oh dear, oh dear... you are the second Matoran this week to lose their way near here. We took the first one and fed him to a mad Muaka. And that's what we're going to do to you!" :biggrin:See what I mean? Nonetheless, I understand your viewpoint. You know that every writer has a different mentality, and that changes how they see another story, and whether they like it, or would like to improve it, or just downright dislike it.But you liked mine, so I'm happy. Thanks again...EDIT: Actually, I apologize, I think I see now what you meant by a few sentences describing the fate of the first Matoran. You didn't necessarily mean that the Makuta had to speak those sentences, did you? My apologies.And I can explain about that one too. I was never one for frightening descriptions. I just can't write anything gory, you know?And I'm fine with that, thanks for your good criticism.EDIT (AGAIN!): Also, I agree that my transition from third to first person was a little rough, but I couldn't find a much better way to do it. I imagined it as "I" (the toa) watching the events up until he strikes, and narrating them to himself/the reader. Edited June 26, 2012 by Tehurye

[fishers64]

Well, I liked the story, but you kinda left a cliff-hanger there at the end. It feels like an introduction to something more - in fact, the whole story does. It's a good story so far, but if you have more in mind, I encourage you to write it!The other thing is, your character just snuck up on a Makuta and won, while he says he never knew what it was like, that he always loses in his dreams. And yet he won so easily in real life. If he was inexperienced in the first part, shouldn't he be making mistakes? If he wasn't, what changed between the first-person monologue (at the end) and the third person story (at the beginning)? That's part of why this feels like an introduction - I feel like I've gone backwards in character development. Anyway, great story, and keep it up!

[Athmos]

The Third to First person is a little awkward, but I didn't notice it until I read iBrow's comment. I like this story. It tells a simple story, but it really highlights on the main purpose of a Toa. To protect the Matoran.

[Noble Tehurye]

Well, I liked the story, but you kinda left a cliff-hanger there at the end. It feels like an introduction to something more - in fact, the whole story does. It's a good story so far, but if you have more in mind, I encourage you to write it!The other thing is, your character just snuck up on a Makuta and won, while he says he never knew what it was like, that he always loses in his dreams. And yet he won so easily in real life. If he was inexperienced in the first part, shouldn't he be making mistakes? If he wasn't, what changed between the first-person monologue (at the end) and the third person story (at the beginning)? That's part of why this feels like an introduction - I feel like I've gone backwards in character development.Anyway, great story, and keep it up!

Now, about that: I agree that was a little confusing to me as I wrote the story (I just write away and then look at what I've written) but thr truth is that when he knocked the Makuta out he had snuck up behind him and laid him low with a sneaky blow. His fear, his nightmare, is that he will have to duel with a fully alert Makuta. He is able to succeed in a sneak attack, but fears for his safety in a "fair" fight. Get it? ^_^Also, I cetainly have some plans in mind for this toa, but another tale will need quite a bit of work. I'll try to keep the idea alive...Thankis a lot, I always enjoy your comments!

I like this story. It tells a simple story, but it really highlights on the main purpose of a Toa. To protect the Matoran.

To be sure, that was the point of the story. Thanks.