Jump to content

  • Log in with Facebook Log in with Twitter Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

Welcome to BZPower!

Hi there, while we hope you enjoy browsing through the site, there's a lot more you can do if you register. The process is easy and you can use your Google, Facebook, or Twitter account to make it even faster. Some perks of joining include:
  • Create your own topics, participate in existing discussions, and vote in polls
  • Show off your creations, stories, art, music, and movies and play member and staff-run games
  • Enter contests to win free LEGO sets and other prizes, and vote to decide the winners
  • Participate in raffles, including exclusive raffles for new members, and win free LEGO sets
  • Send private messages to other members
  • Organize with other members to attend or send your MOCs to LEGO fan events all over the world
  • Much, much more!
Enjoy your visit!

Posted Image


Photo

The Final Chronicle

Short Story

  • Please log in to reply
6 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Naina

Naina
  • Members
  • Seeker

  • 222 posts
  •  

Posted Jun 25 2012 - 02:18 PM

The Final Chronicle

By KH

A blur of motion before you. A wall of sound crashing incomprehensibly on your ears. A movie flying in front of you, running too fast to catch a single syllable. Then suddenly, it crashes and all turns black.A photo album, filled almost to bursting with family photographs, revelry and joy. You flick through page after page as they fill before you. Then suddenly, you find an incomplete page, an empty story. A teardrop falls, dappling the page.Welcome to my family.Mom and Dad had differences. I always knew that. Everyone did, it seemed. I found that out, over and over. Taunts in playground. Jibes in the cafeteria. All a lifetime away. I knew that Mom and Dad had differences....What I didn’t know was that they had so many differences that they couldn’t stand living together.It was always something small. An argument over whose duty it was to handle housework, every morning when they went to work; an argument over who had to fetch me, starting when I was three (imagine how you’d feel if it seems like your parents would rather leave you behind). I never understood why they had to fight so much. Heck, I don’t fight so much and I’m still just a kid. It seemed like I could take better care of myself than they did of me, what with their continuous fights.I just never knew it could go so far.I’m a smart kid. Everyone says that, whether as praise, taunt or flattery. Everyone in school says it, everyone in the neighbourhood says it. Everyone but my parents. All the smartness in the world couldn’t help me tape my parent’s relationship back together.Like so many colossal chasms, it started out small. A squabble over whether or not to go out for dinner. How it flared into an argument about how my father feels stifled by my mother’s tendency to stay at home, I have no idea. A half-hour that repeats itself in my mind and memory and yet still makes no sense to me.“You don’t care what I want. You never have,” she said in a shaking voice.“I’d say the boot’s on the wrong foot,” he fired back in a vitriolic tone.“Says the one who-”“Stop it! Stop it both of you! I can’t stand this!” (Exit the wounded child who then runs, runs as far away from the house as possible.)And the lights of memory fade to black.I walk down the street now, thinking over a hundred things. As I approach the schoolyard, I see so many friends and none of them mine. No, I’ve had no friends in a while. Only people who pretend to like me then backstab me. That’s what you get for being different and smart at the same time. That’s what children, the vicious creatures they are, do to someone who has problems. I’ve been the prime object of taunts ever since the news of my parents’ breakup went global. Oh, thank you, latest “friend” of mine.I think maybe the best thing for me, would be to disappear. Vanish into the night. Somehow, suicide has never appealed to me, even in the worst of times. Out into the night, with only a rucksack. India’s full of interesting places. I could go on a road trip. See if my parents miss me. Maybe they’ll miss me enough to try once again for my sake. Yeah, good luck with that.Five months laterIt had been three days since we left the base camp. As I trudged forward, my shoes sank into the soft snow. As I stepped forward, I wondered, perhaps for the twentieth time, why I had chosen to come here. What insight had I hoped to gain when I first made the decision, unable to breathe, tense, stifled as I felt I was in the sheltered suburb where I had lived all my life?I reflected on the experiences I had accumulated on this trip along with the weariness in my bones and snow dusted on my shoulders. I shuddered to think of the latest of these: being trapped in a pit fall all night.I had been walking along a mountain range when I was seized with the desire to climb higher than I had ever before. As I stepped forward, eyes on the stars, I suddenly plummeted downward, falling five feet in an instant. A flash of sound caught my ear as I slipped.“Hello?” I called. “Is anyone there? I need help.”A man appeared at the rim of my vision. “Very strange animal this, talking animal.”I stared in stark disbelief. “I’m not an animal, I’m human. I fell in.”“That’s what they all say.”“What?” The word tore itself from my mouth as I felt weak. What lunatic had I encountered, a man who imagined talking animals? (Kindly ignore the months I spent doing that as a child.)“They all say they’re human. Just a ploy.”“Friend, I AM human. How can I prove it?”“Give me some money. Animals don’t carry money.”That would be alright, I thought. Or it would be if I had more than I needed.“I don’t have any money,” I called back.“There! You see, you’re an animal.”I groaned. This was going to be a long night.It took three hours and a hundred rupees to convince that insane man that I was human.For half a dozen years, I’ve been keen on extreme sports. Living on the edge seemed to relieve the inner pain I was forced to conceal: the omnipresent pain of growing up in a broken family. I suppose in a way, that I am trying to feel that I am worth something, that there’s more to life than lost innocence. Perhaps a glimpse of the world from a new perspective is what I need, to revive some zest.Companionable loneliness surrounded me as I scrabbled up another ledge, in what seems like an endless series, just burden to carry. “Why do I even bother?” I muttered, half-expecting the wall face to reply.Its mute acceptance was sufficient, yet from somewhere an answer came, almost physically audible. I scanned the landscape again, trying to perceive more. Then I saw it, a small glimmer of light among clouds, enough to reveal a sparkling panorama, filling everything with beauty and joy. The landscape seemed to gleam, embracing my question and responding with zeal and wonder. A glistening river trickled downstream. A hawk flew north, majestically beating its strong and fierce wings as its call resounded across the land. A flash of light illuminated the new day, the herald of new hope: a sign of eternal optimism for all around. For us lonely wanderers of the night. For me.“So this is what life is!” I whispered. “Would you believe such wonder?”The rock face had no opinion but the sunlight seemed to twinkle at me.-----One day, I was idly thinking about MNOG II. I've always loved the title "The Final Chronicle" and was wondering about what it really meant. Suddenly, the idea behind this story struck me and I began penning down the first paragraph. I later combined it with a short story I had written about a young adult hiking in the mountains, in search of a raison d'etre.Note: Rupee is the currency of India. Rs. 100 is a little under 2 USD, but is enough to buy a meal here.Hope you like it. :)

Edited by KHofBS01, Jun 25 2012 - 02:22 PM.

  • 0
~KH~

Posted Image

I'll take your part

When darkness comes

And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down


#2 Offline Grant-Sud

Grant-Sud
  • Members
  • Defender of the Page

  • 490 posts
  •  

Posted Jun 28 2012 - 01:41 PM

It has a good storyline, about someone trying to find a little more meaning in their life. And the narrative's commentary is a highlight for the story!But I feel like this should have been a lot longer. Give us a little more time to really get into the child. Because he has a depressed outlook on things which is rolling along, but he gets over it a lot faster than I was hoping. The small moment when he fell into the pit and came upon that guy for example, it needed more details like that, I think. (it was a good scene and probably my favorite) Something to tie in everything together, with more experiences.Anyway, it has a few hiccups, but regardless it's a good read. I'd really like to see a long version of this!
  • 0

#3 Offline Naina

Naina
  • Members
  • Seeker

  • 222 posts
  •  

Posted Jun 29 2012 - 12:49 AM

Thanks for the review Grant. :)The second half is actually short because it was written for school. (Don't you hate word limits?) I was planning on expanding it actually, but thought, what the heck, and posted it anyway. :PAlso, I kinda wanted to make the ending like an epiphany. You know, sometimes you just get these moments where everything clicks in. (I've had a few moments where I felt able to love everyone.) That's why the story ends there - you don't know if the narrator retains this new perspective or if there's a regression to the previous depression.Please, if you wish, tell me about these hiccups. *produces pen and notepad and listens attentively*

Edited by Naina, Jun 29 2012 - 01:17 PM.

  • 0
~KH~

Posted Image

I'll take your part

When darkness comes

And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down


#4 Offline Grant-Sud

Grant-Sud
  • Members
  • Defender of the Page

  • 490 posts
  •  

Posted Jun 29 2012 - 10:26 PM

What I pointed out about it being short and a few more experiences to add to the character's life, those were the hiccups. lol
  • 0

#5 Offline Naina

Naina
  • Members
  • Seeker

  • 222 posts
  •  

Posted Jun 30 2012 - 12:57 AM

Ah, thanks. :)
  • 0
~KH~

Posted Image

I'll take your part

When darkness comes

And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down


#6 Offline The Marlfox

The Marlfox
  • Members
  • Turaga

  • 80 posts
  •  

Posted Jul 30 2012 - 12:06 PM

so. depressing stuff, that first part of the story. i can't say i'm a huge fan of angsty stuff, but you wrote it pretty okay. :) like, you really felt for the narrator as she was narrating. the first few sentences though, they're written in like second person or something, using 'you' and all, then it switches to first all of th sudden . that threw me off, but overall it wasn't a big deal. also, in between the first and second parts, where you said you combined it with the story about hiking, i thought the transition from scene to scene was kinda abrupt, i had to go back and re read parts. but the insane man who thought people were animals, that was very creative, i liked that part. it was good dialog. eheh, my review's not as fancy and in depth as others you've gotten, i bet, but i really was impressed by the first part's stark narration, i thought i'd let you know.
  • 0

#7 Offline Yukiko

Yukiko
  • Members
  • Emerging Ice Warrior

  • 1,899 posts
  •  

Posted Jan 31 2013 - 12:09 AM

Official Short Stories Critics Club Charity Review

 

I'm going to have to agree with the poster above that the second person at the beginning was awkward.  Second person is very hard to use in a convincing way, and I have to say that first person would have served just fine.

 

In addition, I think this could use a bit of re-organization.  Most short stories tend to cover small periods of time, but ones like these are best served in flashback mode.  That means you should start with base camp and work from there; perhaps certain experiences will unearth certain memories.  And these should be flashes, scenes, sounds and images.

 

This brings me to my next point.  I was disappointed that despite all the talk about photographs and movies you didn't really show me a lot of images, and the ones that you did show were cliche.  You do a lot of telling here, and you don't show much.  This makes it really hard for me to sympathize with the characters problems.  How did her supposed friends back stab her?  What were the taunts that people hurled at her?  I only have here word for how bad her life is, and she's an unreliable narrator.  Characters complaining without much specificity often makes them sound whiny.

 

Also, this is set in India?  I didn't know until you told me half-way through.  India is a very image-heavy place.  I might seem ordinary for you, but a writer's job is to never take the ordinary for granted.

 

In conclusion:

 

 

“So this is what life is!” I whispered. “Would you believe such wonder?”

 

Nooooo.  You ruined the moment.  Sometimes a laugh, a scream, tears, or even silence is much more appropriate than words, and these words sound stiff.

 

You have a good idea here.  However, I feel like it really needs to have a personal touch, a colorful spark that brings it to life.  Otherwise, it's just a bunch of angst.


  • 0

[BZPRPG Profiles]

Hatchi - Talli - Ranok - LuciraMorie - Shuuan

zsmpg4.jpg

Library [blog]





0 user(s) are browsing this forum

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users