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Lord Vakama Strikes Back

Star Wars Bionicle Spoof LSO Contest

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#1 Offline Athmos

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Posted Jun 26 2012 - 05:40 PM

Yo, this is my first comedy as well as my entry for the LSO Comedy Contest. It is a spoof of The Empire Strikes Back. It is not the full film, but instead the scene of Luke's and Darth Vader's battle on Cloud City.If there are any mistakes, or some parts you don't understand. LET ME KNOW. As I said, this is my first comedy, so C&C is very much needed.WARNING: I think I fixed it, but there might be some first-person here. It's mainly in third-person, however.ENJOY!

LORD VAKAMA STRIKES BACK

Tahu was raised into a dark room by a platform. The room was deathly quiet. Tahu glanced over to Death, who was sitting in a leather chair and nodded towards him for the silence. Death nodded back, gave a thumbs up and opened up a book titled, “Reaping Souls for Dummies.”A blast of steam escaped the pipes that circled around the large room. Besides Tahu and Death, the room was empty. Another blast of steam came from the wall. In the center of the room, a small pit sits, an evil, orange glow surrounds it. Out of nowhere, a Green Lantern lands and removes the orange light and leaves as fast as he came.Tahu shook his head as he moved toward a stairway leading up to a walkway, overlooking the pit. As he moved towards the stairway, his foot got caught on a pipe, tripping him, sending him face-first into the wall as a blast of steam shot out at the same time.“OW! BRAKAS!” Tahu swore as fell backwards, holding his mask. As he hit the ground, a dark laughter, followed by coughing was heard.Tahu glanced up, towards the walkway from his position on the ground.“Lord Vakama!” Tahu declared dramatically and pointed towards the short figure on the walkway.“The stupidity is strong with you. But you aren’t a complete fool yet.” Lord Vakama said confidently, as he pulled out a Lightstone from behind his back.“I will...uh...I will....will....”“Destroy me?”“No, I’m looking for a nicer word.”“Best me in combat?”“Yes, I will best you in combat!” Tahu shouted as he pulled his own Lightstone out from behind his back and leaped at Vakama.He failed utterly, as he was only able to roll over on the ground. Lord Vakama started laughing and wheezing as he slapped his knee.“I might be wrong! You might be a complete fool!” Lord Vakama roared in laughter.Tahu stood up quickly, cleaned his armor off and then leaped at Lord Vakama, Lightstone outstretched. Tahu misjudged his leap and flew over Lord Vakama and landed behind him. Lord Vakama lunged at Tahu with his Lightstone, but it was countered by Tahu.“You have learned much. I hope that muppet teacher of yours gets his stuffing pulled.” Lord Vakama growled as Tahu aimed a kick at his head.“You’ll find I’m full of surprises.” Tahu said proudly, “Watch this.”Tahu got down into a deep squat and leaped backwards, away from Lord Vakama. “How about that?” Tahu asked his enemy.Vakama smiled and jumped up into the air, spiraling towards the amazed Tahu. Before Tahu could do anything, Lord Vakama smacked him smartly across the face.“Ow.” Tahu muttered as he stepped backwards from Lord Vakama.He didn’t have any extra time to try to recover, because Lord Vakama was on him in a instant, swinging his Lightstone all over the place. Tahu blocked and dodged, as he attempted to get his own attack into the fray.Tahu launched a quick lunge at Lord Vakama’s head, but the attack was easily blocked. Lord Vakama saw his chance and poked Tahu in his side, making him toss his Lightstone into the air as he giggled. Lord Vakama poked him again, knocking Tahu down the stairway back onto the platform with the small pit.Tahu recovered in time to see Lord Vakama leaped at Tahu, aiming to cut him in half. Tahu rolled away into a crouch just as Lord Vakama landed.“Your destiny lies with me, Tahu. Hahil Husky knew this to be true.” Lord Vakama said he moved towards Tahu.“Fibber!” shouted Tahu as he backed away, “This is a children’s forum, you aren’t supposed to fib!”“I’m evil! I’m bad! It’s in the bloody script!” Lord Vakama roared as he charged Tahu.Tahu lost his balance and fell into the small pit. There was a rumble and steam flooded the pit and floated up to Lord Vakama.“Victory.....it smells like wet dog!” he declared with triumphal tone, wielding a raised fist.Lord Vakama turned away from the steam just as something shot upward out of the pit. Lord Vakama turned around and looked into the pit, then looked up. What did he see? He saw Tahu looking at him. Tahu, Tahu, what did he see? He saw Lord Vakama looking at him.“Impressive...most impressive.” said Lord Vakama as he watched Tahu jump down to the walkway. Tahu grabbed his Lightstone and raised it up.“Hahil Husky has taught you well. You have controlled your rage....now release your hate.” taunted Lord Vakama.Tahu began to retreat as Lord Vakama goaded him on. Tahu took a defensive position, as Lord Vakama swings hisLightstone at him. A quick Lightstone exchange and Tahu forced Lord Vakama back. Another exchange and Lord Vakama retreated. Tahu pressed forward, forcing Lord Vakama back farther.“Only your hatred can destroy me.” Lord Vakama declared.“Another fib.” sighed Tahu, “Really?”Lord Vakama was about to respond when he backed off the rim of the platform, falling into the outer rim of pipes and beyond. “I wasn’t finished!” Tahu screamed after Lord Vakama as he jumped down as well.*************************Tahu moved through a tunnellike.....tunnel. He had his Lightstone up and at the ready as he moved closer to the room at the end of the tunnel. He rounded the corner and moved towards a large window. His sight-seeing was cut short as Lord Vakama appeared. Out of nowhere.“How did you do that?” Tahu asked in disbelief.“I don’t really know..” Lord Vakama replied as looked around his surroundings.Tahu shook his head and charged Lord Vakama. All of a sudden a computer flew off the wall and came smashing towards him. Tahu turned and cut it in half. “How did you do that?!” Tahu exclaimed as he turned back to Lord Vakama. Lord Vakama merely shrugged. Before Tahu could say anything else, another computer came flying at him. Tahu cut that in half with ease as well. Suddenly, every computer on the walls came flying at him, battering him and forcing him back against the large window. A flash drive flew at Tahu and hit him in the chest, launching him out the window.************************Tahu rolled onto a gantry and stood up as Lord Vakama leaped out the window. They clashed their Lightstones together, forcing Tahu to back up.“You are beaten. It is useless to resist. Don't let yourself be destroyed as Hahil Husky did.” Lord Vakama declared as he sliced at Tahu.Tahu rolled sideways and stabbed at Lord Vakama, nicking him on the shoulder. Lord Vakama grunted but recovered quickly. With a terrified scream, Tahu took off down the gantry to the narrow end.Tahu realizing that he had nowhere to go, turned to face Lord Vakama. “Come at me, bro!” Tahu mocked.Lord Vakama growled and leaped at Tahu, bringing his Lightstone down on Tahu’s right wrist. However, Lord Vakama’s Lightstone broke in two over Tahu’s wrist. “Ha! You failed!” Tahu declared loudly, spitting all over Lord Vakama’s mask.Lord Vakama lifted a hand and cleaned his mask of the spit covering it. “I was afraid it would come to this.” Lord Vakama said as he pressed a button on his belt.A rope hit the floor, dangling from the darkness above. Both Tahu and Lord Vakama turned to watch, as the sound of someone or something sliding down the rope grew louder. A pair of shiny, black shoes first appeared, followed by cream khakis, a large, black suitcase and a blue shirt. The figure’s head appeared, a beaming, almost terrifying smile sat on it.“Hi, Billy Mays here, what do you need help with?” the figure asked Lord Vakama cheerfully, almost revoltingly.Lord Vakama sighed and pointed at Tahu. “I need you to remove his hand.”“No problem!” Billy Mays exclaimed cheerfully, as he opened the black suitcase. “With Oxy Clean’s new enriched formula, it’ll remove any stain or limb you need!”Billy Mays walked over to Tahu and stuck his hand into a jar of sizzling fluid. “Just watch, as within minutes, the chosen limb will be removed!”Tahu started screaming as his hand was slowly eaten away. “And, with the additional purchase of our travel case, any wounds will be sealed instantly, preventing infection!” Billy Mays narrated cheerfully to Lord Vakama as Tahu’s hand disappeared.Tahu stopped screaming as his limb-or limbless arm was lifted out of the liquid. “Just look, a clean, clear cut!” Billy Mays announced to Lord Vakama, who was looking rather disgusted with himself.“No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!” Tahu screamed as he gripped his arm.“Search your feelings, friend. You know it to be true.” Billy Mays responded, “And with the purchase of our lifetime warranty, you’ll get a free Billy Mays cookie cutter!”“No! No! No!” Tahu screamed as he jumped off the gantry, down towards his supposed doom.Lord Vakama and Billy Mays looked over the side of the gantry and watched Tahu fall into the unknown.“Hey, for 3 easy payments of 33 widgets, you can get a free rope to catch your falling friends or enemies!” Billy Mays said cheerfully.Lord Vakama sighed slowly and rubbed the sides of his forehead.THE ENDQuestions, complaints, comments?

Edited by Cinnamon Grochi, Jun 27 2012 - 11:22 AM.

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#2 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Jun 26 2012 - 06:07 PM

This is a very interesting comedy. I'm surprised that this is the first Star Wars based LSO entry. I thought there would've been a couple more. But anyway, I enjoyed reading this comedy. I laughed when Lord Vakama came out of the shadows and not even he knew how he did it. I did not see Billy Mays showing up when he did. The part with him was the funniest part of the comedy, IMO.There is one sentence I would have worded better, and it is:

In the center of the room, a small pit sits, an evil, orange glow surrounds it. Out of nowhere, a Green Lantern lands and removes the orange light and leaves as fast as he came.

I would reword it like this: A small pit with an evil, orange glow could be seen in the center of the room. Out of nowhere, a Green Lantern landed and removed the orange light and left as fast as he came.This was the only major grammar issue I had with this comedy. Despite that, I thought it was really good. I wish you luck in the LSO 2012!

Edited by The Smoke Monster, Jun 26 2012 - 06:08 PM.

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Everyone is one choice away from being a bad guy in someone else's story.


#3 Offline Athmos

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Posted Jun 26 2012 - 06:12 PM

Billy Mays is my idol. This is part-tribute to him, part-comedy. I will fix that sentance! Oh, and good luck to you as well!

Edited by Cinnamon Grochi, Jun 26 2012 - 06:12 PM.

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#4 Offline Kilgore Trout

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Posted Jun 26 2012 - 10:06 PM

When reading this, I can't help but try to make some comparison to some other comedy writer. And I fail completely. The sheer absurdity in this story is seems to pop up often in Bionicle comedies, but you... you've handled it differently, by adding actually humor in that.Kudos to you for that.All in all, I think this is a wonderful and hilarious piece of literature, and look forward to more comedic material from you.
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#5 Offline Athmos

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Posted Jun 27 2012 - 08:26 AM

Thank ya kindly. If all goes well, that comedy I've been writing should be up in a few weeks.
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#6 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jun 27 2012 - 09:23 AM

Lord Vamaka Strikes Back

I suggest you fix that...should be "Lord Vakama Strikes Back"...

Hahlil Husky

Should be Hahli Husky, unless that slight misspelling was intentional.

Who was this person? Billy Mays.

It's generally bad narrative form to break up the action with retorical questions. This time, and the time you did so earilier in the story, I'm not sure it was a good idea. It seems to work, but it certainly stood out as unusual. So, I liked this story, especially the odd appearance of Billy Mays - that had a purpose to advance the plot. What I'm not sure about is the appearance of Death in the first few lines - it seemed to not really make a difference and feels tacked on just for a laugh or two. I don't get it. But alas, good parody...but please fix the title, lest you be badly thought of before you have even began.

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#7 Offline Athmos

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Posted Jun 27 2012 - 11:18 AM

Ah, thank you for catching those. They will be fixed. Death was a reference to an old DC comic I have. Figues no one got it. Same with the Green Lantern. Thank you, O wise one. :P
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#8 Offline Rarity

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Posted Jul 02 2012 - 05:34 PM

*Falls through portal* I'm here with your official Comedy Critic Club review!First off, I'm gonna say this was actually pretty good. The comedy actually kept me interested in reading through it, and I could see the humor, but I didn't really laugh much at.The comedy is very plot driven, but unlike most I've read, the story is actually interesting and funny.I honestly have no complaints about the comedy except this one.

Lord Vakama turned around and looked into the pit, then looked up. What did he see? He saw Tahu looking at him. Tahu, Tahu, what did he see? He saw Lord Vakama looking at him.

That part just seemed unnecessary. It didn't take away from the story, just seemed unnecessary,Now to get to the best part of your story,

“Hi, Billy Mays here, what do you need help with?” the figure asked Lord Vakama cheerfully, almost revoltingly.

Bill Mays.

“Search your feelings, friend. You know it to be true.” Billy Mays responded, “And with the purchase of our lifetime warranty, you’ll get a free Billy Mays cookie cutter!”

That whole scene made me laugh, and now I want a real Billy Mays cookie cutter. :PSo this comedy was good, entertaining, and I'll give it a 8.5/10!

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#9 Offline Athmos

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Posted Jul 02 2012 - 06:37 PM

Ahhhh, "professional" advice! :P That part was actually a reference to Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? Second, he always introduced himself as Billy Mays on his commercials. I've never heard him or anyone call him Bill Mays until today. Thanks for the review!
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