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Review: Dare To Dream

review dare to dream matoran

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#1 Offline Tekulo in the Green

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Posted Oct 14 2011 - 04:34 PM

Epic: Dare to Dream Okay, so I've written a lot more chapters since BZP went down. Of course, since it's only one chapter per day, I'll have to upload everything one-at-a-time (not that I had any real readers on here to begin with. XD). Edit: Thank you Hahli Husky for letting us post old chapters all at once! Of course, now that I have chapter four up (and chapter four was the last that was on BZP before it went down) it's all kinda moot... But still, that means I can post chapter five up sometime today as well! ^^ Edit edit: Chapter five is now posted. Since I'm all caught up now, chapters will be uploaded once per day. Happy reading! So, look forward to some more chapters. ;D Once I hit around Chapter ten or eleven updates will most likely slow down to around one chapter per week, so enjoy the speed updates while you can. ^^' Edit again: Okay, I've reached chapter ten! Chapter updates will now be slowed down. I'll try to write one chapter per week, but no promises (as things can get busy for me and that I have other projects I would like to work on).

Edited by Tekulo: Toa of Wind, Oct 24 2011 - 11:59 AM.

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#2 Offline Allanon Loke

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Posted Oct 15 2011 - 07:29 PM

Great story so far. The descriptions of Tetak's thoughts were good. I really like the interactions between Tetak and the electricity Matoran. I smell a friendship brewing. Do you have a link for the archived story?
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#3 Offline Tekulo in the Green

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Posted Oct 15 2011 - 08:54 PM

Thanks so much for reading! ^^ I have done more chapters since BZP went down, but they're posted on a site that contains forums (so I can't link to the full story, unfortunately ><). Up to chapter four has been posted in the BZP archives, however. Link
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#4 Offline Cederak

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Posted Oct 17 2011 - 07:09 PM

You've got an interesting start to what could become a great story. Aside from a couple spelling and grammar issues, I do have a couple other critiques. First is your characters. I get that Tetak dislikes negative Matoran and Laza seems a bit temperamental from what I gathered, but you can explore them to a far greater depth. Are they trusting? What motivates them? Its little things that work toward making characters feel more whole and - by extension - real. Second is the use of "mental speech," which I recommend employing in moderation. I mean, how much of what you think is actually spoken in your head? We do a lot more acting than thinking out how we feel. But again, these are only ideas. You're the director here. As for Nia and Jet...what are they? My assumption was Toa, but I could be way off. Overall, the story is fairly engaging and has potential. Keep at it. -Ced
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#5 Offline Tekulo in the Green

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Posted Oct 17 2011 - 08:17 PM

Thanks a lot for reading! ^^ Yes, I know I do have grammatical and spelling issues that pop up. I'm normally more focused on the chapter to really notice them, and when I re-read they normally become more apparent. Still, there are things that will elude me, unfortunately. -.- Thanks for the advice with my characters! You know, I'm not too sure if they even know what they're like. XD Still, I'm sure newer chapters will have more opportunity to develop them even more (and I do have a few issues with that point myself). I'll keep that in mind. ^^ On the mental speech note, expect to see more of that with Tetak than anyone else. It may not always be the best way to show what the characters feel, but I still think it's nice to get into their heads every now and again. And don't worry, I don't use it all the time (but I do use it). What are Nia and Jet? That, my friend, is what I like to call a spoiler. XP And don't worry, it'll get explained... eventually. Thanks for saying that. This is really my first attempt of writing an epic all the way to the end, so it's nice to know I have an introduction (normally the most boring part of the story for me) that has potential. ^^
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#6 Offline Steelsheen

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Posted Oct 24 2011 - 07:30 PM

ECC ReviewTekulo: Your plot line is a classic - people getting pulled into another world makes for all kinds of great stories! However, you've chosen very unique and specific characters for the journey, which gives DtD something of a different tang than the usual "flung into space" story. (That's a good thing, by the way!) Your crypticness in showing where the characters are and how Laza and Tetak got "pulled" into this new world gets a five-star rating, though the foreshadowing may just a little too easy to read. And thank you, thank you, for the attention to spelling - there's a few things you missed, but the majority of the writing is crisp and clean. If you want to get everything flawless, try writing in a Word or Pages format (or whatever writing program your computer uses) and just run it through spellcheck before you post. As you go further into the story, I think it would be a good idea to show other facets of Tetak's and Laza's characters; both seem a little two-dimensional at this point. For example, Laza simply appears to be angry at life in general, and Tetak seems a little afraid of anything and everything. The reader needs to feel that they both have driving purposes in their lives, even if that purpose is that they have lost their purpose! Of course, it's still early in the epic, so there's plenty of time for all that, but we need to see glimpses of it pretty early on. The question all readers are asking is "why?", and it's your job to give them just enough answers that they keep asking. All notes aside, they both have great potential as characters, so use them to their fullest! I'm assuming more about Nia and Jet will be revealed over time, but I'll go off what you've given me so far. Jet is certainly a believable Glatorian - big, abrupt, possibly snobby, and pretty intimidating - but Nia's curiosity may be a little overplayed. Her attempted sympathy and utter confusion stemming from the two matoran is good insight into her character, and very realistic. Again, I can't really judge either of them any better than that, because I simply haven't seen enough of them yet. (I'm sure I will, though ;) ) The transitioning between scenes reads almost like a murder mystery movie, where the camera never quite shows you people's faces or where you are. This style is a little hard to follow, but helpful - in fact, necessary - for the story. I also like how you made sure not to reveal everything about what happened or where the matoran are all at once. Timing is everything, and you clearly understand that with regards to narration. Overall, this is not an easy read, but it is a good one. I look forward to the mysteries being revealed!-Hahli Historian

Edited by Hahli Historian, Oct 25 2011 - 07:27 AM.

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#7 Offline Tekulo in the Green

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Posted Oct 26 2011 - 10:54 AM

@ Hahli Historian: I cannot thank you enough for this review!I'm glad you think my story is a bit different than others of a similar genre. ^^And I like to think of this as a mystery story. It's not exactly a murder (though a similar feel to one may just work to my advantage). I want the readers to piece together what happened as well as who exactly Tetak and Laza are. I realize they seem very two-dimensional at this point, but that's sort of how I want it right now. I'm planning on having them go through tons of character development (I'm just hoping I don't get too personal with them. It's one thing to relate with a character, but another thing when a character is pouring his/her heart and soul out and you just want them to stop). Also, I'd like for the readers to paint their own images of Laza and Tetak. Maybe they'll be a bit surprised when they learn a little more about them? After all, when you first meet a new person, you don't automatically know everything about them. You make assumptions based on the way they act, and only when you really sit down and talk to them do you really begin to figure out who they are. Similar idea with my characters. ^^ Though, also consider the situations they're put in. Laza was groggy and tired after a long day of work, and Tetak had just woken up in the beginning. From that, they're now in a very vast and strange world. Tetak is afraid of anything and everything right now and Laza is deeply annoyed and angry at the world around her, to an extent. And don't worry, I do have plans for these characters and I do hope to delve deeper into their identities (though I am having a bit of trouble finding the right situations-for Tetak mainly. But, all in due time. Also, I would love to hear about any theories you would have with foreshadowing. And yes, there are bits that are highly easy to read, yet there are others I've thrown in there that will become much more clear later in the story. Send me a PM and we can discuss it if you'd like. ;D Also, I don't think of Jet as a Glatorian, exactly. Of course, going into greater detail is a spoiler. I'm thinking we're going to be seeing a little more of Jet and where he's coming from. And great analysis of him, by the way. That's how I picture him in those few chapters. ^^ Nia is going to be interesting. Her curiosity really does fit her, but we're going to see that once they all get back to her village (which will be in the upcoming chapters). As for the narration style; I thought jumping from character to character would be interesting. The cryptic nature of things along with the anarchy of elements in the story does make things a little difficult to follow. However, there is indeed a great reason for this and I'm glad you think it's necessary. I honestly couldn't see this story being told any other way. Everything, and I do mean everything, will be revealed by the end of this story. I'm trying to keep enough order into the story to prevent my readers from getting totally lost (which may not be easy... There are going to be parts of the story that you just have to roll with. Little inconsistencies like Tetak's cloak that appeared out of nowhere, etc). Thank you again for your review.
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#8 Offline Aderia

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Posted Feb 17 2012 - 02:20 PM

Heya, ECC review here for you!First off, I'm happy to say, I couldn't find any spelling or grammar errors in your chapter! And, to make up for lack of mispellings, I did manage to dig up some other technical discrepencies of course. What are reviews for, right ;)

Back home in her village, Laza remembered elevators, apartments and narrow hallways.

The phrase "back home in her village" is a bit redundant, I think. Either adding a comma (Back home, in her vilage...) or editing out either of the two parts might make it sound better.

...she could feel Nia and Tetak being washed from her future.

Hehe, there’s nothing wrong with this here, I just really liked the imagery used here. :D

In his mind, all he could think of was irrational fear and the need to find her.

It took me a few times, reading over this sentence, to decide just what made it hiccup. Can someone really think of irrational fear? Perhaps it would be more like “In his mind, all he could feel was irrational fear and the need to find her.” Does that make sense?

One hand grasping her forehead, the other dug into her wall, leaving marks as she slid closer to the floor.

Parallel structure here is a bit off with your verb tenses, if I don’t sound nerdy and nitpicky enough yet. But I do feel that the sentence would read more smoothly if all your verbs were in the same tense. (Ex: “grasping” and “digging”, or “grasped” and “dug”)Now, as for your actual story. I've enjoyed it thus far. I do see what your other reviewers are saying, about Tetak and Co. being flat and 2-D, but I can also see them fleshing out steadily and it's good. The part I really liked in Chapter 14 was Tetak arguing with himself in his head and realizing it. I think the two Matoran have tremendous potential and am looking forwards to see how they continue to develop.The introduction of Jet was a bit abrupt, a few chapters back, in my opinion, but I'm hoping we'll get to see more of him soon, and exactly what he's doing in the story. This Nia Glatorian is a different story. When we first saw her, walking with a floating vase, I thought she was some Toa with a Mask of Telekinesis or something. Also, I'm wondering how Jet and Nia know each other. I'm sure it will be a good story. When Nia first encountered Tetak, and vice versa, their observations of one another were very well done and realistic. However, Nia being a Glatorian, I would think she would be more wary and maybe even hostile towards a strange being that showed up in an alien transfer pod in the middle of the woods. I could be wrong, but maybe this has something to do with this madness of hers? This latest twist in her character really has me guessing, and added many layers and possibilities for her. Again, I can't wait to see what you have in store for her. Overall, I like what I've read, and have high hopes for what I will read later on.Keep up the good work!

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#9 Offline Tekulo in the Green

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Posted Feb 19 2012 - 11:13 PM

Thank you for pointing those out! I run spell check, so I manage to catch myself on spelling. XP Sentence structure and other areas of grammar are not my forte, unfortunately (I hope I'll start catching those as well). I'm glad you think they're starting to flesh out, and that you think it's working. That was one of the main reasons I asked for this review. In the most recent chapters, I've been trying to bring their characters out more (and I think Tempest is where Laza really starts to get into the story). I agree that Jet's appearance was very brief and sudden. I'm glad you're looking forward to more of him, though. I can say that I have more planned for him in the story, but I'm getting a little ahead of myself. XPAs for Nia, the only hint I can give you is how exactly she introduced herself; "Well, I suppose you could call me a Glatorian."I'm glad you're looking forward to seeing what I have in store for her, and I hope I won't disappoint you. ^^Thank you for the review, Aderia! ^^
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