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Solaris: Hello, lades an' gennelmen. Do not be alarmed by my greeting, I am not another American hillbilly. See, I speak with a British accent.Vezon: So? Who doesn't?Vakama: Yeah. You trying to prove something?Lhikan: Are you insulting us?Solaris: Wait, since when does Vezon have a British accent?Vezon: Oh, come on. At least admit that you always imagined me sounding like a British mad scientist.Solaris: :glare: ... Yes.Vezon: Ah, that's settled, then.Solaris: Well, it's a good time for the title, wouldn't you say?Vezon: I say a lot of things, but that crosses a line for me.Solaris: How so?Vezon: Well, I don't feel particularly helpful this century.Solaris: Fine. I'll do it myself. [goes backstage and pulls out the title] Oh, and live from New York it's...

DON'T

Ask Solaris

Vezon: Rip off artist...Solaris: Hello, I am your host, Toa Solaris, and this is my show: Don't Ask Solaris, where I sit by a computer and read your emails and then jabber on about something else entirely while going off on useless adventures.Vezon: :facepalm:Solaris: Ever at my side is Vezon, who can't seem to find which one is the floor, and keeps on making emoticons that can't be used in BZP.Vezon: :thumbsdown:Solaris: Thank you for that, Vezon. Our guest host for today is Malum and our musical guest is The Ineffective Moss Gatherers. Stick around, we'll be right back. Please? :begging: PLEASE?[commercial]Solaris: Hi, I'm Solaris, the only sponsor of this show. Please read it.[back to the show]Solaris: Sorry if I appear a bit needy, it's just that I don't have a studio audience and I can't afford a laugh box. That, and no one laughs at my jokes. Not even laugh boxes.Vezon: I'd like to put that to the test. [pulls laugh box out of thin air]Solaris: Well, let me just introduce Malum, because we didn't have enough money to bring in Ackar.Malum: [walks onto stage] I knew that this show was just beginning, but why am I in a garage?Solaris: This isn't a garage, these are my private quarters.Malum: You park your car in your bedroom?Solaris: ... Yes.Malum: How do you get it out?Solaris: It takes a while. It was more of an exercise in responsibility. I wanted to get up earlier in the morning, so I parked my car in my room.Vezon: Compared to me, that sounded like a sane idea.Malum: [looks up] Why is he standing on the ceiling?Solaris: He can't find directions.Malum: To where?Solaris: Oh, down, forwards, to an asylum. Anyways, this is my computer, and on it are... 3 emails. Malum and I are going to sit here and read them, then totally make fun of what you wrote. Then we'll take a break and listen to our musical guest. Have you figured out the joke in their name, yet?Malum: Lessee... Open that email.Computer:

Dear Solaris,Why is the sky blue?Love,A Vorox
Solaris: Why is your face blue?Malum: Well that was just plain tasteless. Try something like, "Because it is."Solaris: No, I exhausted that on years ago. How about, the old commercial break in the middle of a sentence so I don't have to actually answer the question on-air.Malum: That just seems--[commercial]Solaris: Still reading? If you have read this, I'll assume yes. Have you figured out the joke in our musical guest's name. If you need a reminder, it's The Ineffective Moss Gatherers. And no, I'm not giving you a hint.[back to the show]Solaris: --second email.Computer:
Dear Solaris,If you ever need a loan for the show,I'm not going to help you out.Hugs and kisses,Kongu
Solaris: Ah, my old nemesis.Malum: Really? I've never heard of him.Solaris: We had a beef dating all the way back to Metru Nui. But it got old and moldy and we didn't want to touch it because it smelled bad and Kongu blamed me for leaving it out during our fights.Malum: What are you talking about?Solaris: "About what are you talking?" Don't end your sentences in prepositions. And I was talking about the beef Kongu and I had. We also fought a lot because Kongu was a :censored: .Vezon: That's some colorful language you have there, Solaris.Solaris: I'm not finished. :censored:[five minutes later]Solaris: :censored: . There, done.Malum: That seemed a bit extreme.Solaris: Oh, that was the short version.Malum: How much longer is the long version?Solaris: There's only one way I can answer that...Vezon: Oh dear Great Beings, NO!Solaris: But we don't have time for that. Commercial! When we return, we'll listen to our musical guest.[commercial]Solaris: Oh, I have nothing to say right now... I don't at all enjoy pie... Just thought I'd... yeah... Still there?[back to the show]Solaris: Well, here is our musical guest. As they are finishing set-up, I am going to interview the lead vocalist. So what is your name, first of all?Jaller: Well, my stage name is Mick Jaller.Solaris: That is... a really bad reference.Jaller: Yeah, well, a Rolling Stone gathers no moss, right?Solaris: Well, you just gave away pretty much everything. Good going.Jaller: Well, I'm not exactly proud of my band. I mean, we can't even play. I can't even sing!Solaris: I can teach you, you know.Jaller: Really?Solaris: No, I can't sing, either.Malum: So are they going to play or not?Solaris: No, we're calling the whole thing off. It was a pretty hopeless joke with which to begin.Malum: Oh, good. [hops on stage and eats the drummer]Solaris: For what the Karzahni was that?!Malum: Well, when you live in the desert with Vorox, you tend to be distracted by shiny things, as well as wanting to eat anything that looks tasty. Sometimes it's a combination of the two.Solaris: As much as I love shiny objects, I can't just let you eat everyone who walks onto this stage.Malum: [sits back at computer] sighw.gif Okay.Solaris: Last email, then.Computer:
Solaris,The results of your 72-hour insanity test came back from the lab. You did not so much as blink for ten days straight! I am sorry, but you are now legally insane.Best of luck to you,Dr. Nokama
Malum: Wait. You're insane?Solaris: [peers at computer extra moment] Appears so. How 'bout that?Vezon: Welcome to the club, buddy!Solaris: Thanks. Proud to be a member.Malum: I'm a bit nervous right now.Solaris: Oh, don't worry. I'm probably just going to use this if I ever go to court. Just plead insanity and they let you off scott-free. That reminds me. Vezon, fire my secretary, Scott.Vezon: On it. [exits]Solaris: Well, folks, it looks like this is all we really have for you today. So check back with us on occasion, because it's gonna get better. I promise.Vezon: [walks back in] That's not saying much.Solaris: Oh, admit that I can be honest, some times.Vezon: Well, when you first recruited me into this show, you said it was going to be "hilarious" and a "big hit."Solaris: Okay, just because no one comes around here doesn't mean that we're over right now.Vezon: You never finish what you start. None of the stories you've written ever had an actual ending. And whose fault is that.Solaris: You're right.Malum: He made a valid point. Should I leave?Solaris: I must find and destroy Kongu!Vezon: That's not what I meant.Solaris: It's Kongu's fault I never finished anything. All these years, he's been sabotaging me. But now I will end it all.Vezon: Well I wasn't alluding to that at all, but, hey, revenge is always fun.Malum: I should really leave. You can keep your 3 bucks.Solaris: Computer!Computer: You need something?Solaris: I would like you to dictate a letter to Kongu. "Dearest Kongu, Kiss my hairy potter! Flowers and chocolates, Solaris."Computer: You've really lost it, haven't you. That wasn't even funny.Solaris: Well, if you know every insult in the book, it is. Well, that's our show. If you would like to guest host with me, put this form in your reply:Name:Species:Powers (if any):Mask (if any):Alignment (good, bad, neutral, anything in between):Description:Background info:Running gag:Yes or no:Solaris: That last field, Yes or no, you either put yes or no, and that's just for fun because I enjoy mind games.Vezon: You just lost The Game.Solaris: I never mentioned The Game specifically. And you just made us both lose. I had a good run going, too. Oh, if only I didn't have a wandering train of thought!Vezon: Not my problem.Solaris: Oh well. If you have a creative musical guest like, say, The Scarabax Beatles, just fill out the below form:Band/artist's name:Names of members:Running gag:Solaris: I would just like you to note that there is a small chance they will sing, not because I can't fit them in, but because it's so much funnier when things go horribly wrong. So just reply with either of those forms and... yeah... Quiet in here...Vezon: Well, I guess I'll have to go out and fund our project. [dresses up like a hobo] Alms for the poor!Solaris: Vezon, that's not going to work.Vezon: How so?Solaris: You have to have some sort of container in which to store your money.Vezon: Right![silence]Solaris: Is the camera still rolling. Cut, cut, CUT!Vezon: We don't have a crew!Solaris: Perhaps I should just go to the insane asylum. At least there are people there who would laugh at my jokes.Vezon: Don't kid yourself. You make way too many obscure '80s references.Solaris: Groovy.Vezon: That's the '70s.Solaris: I know, man. I'm hep to the jive.Vezon: And that's the '50s. It's like having your own time machine. That reminds me, I have to go to the hardware store later.Solaris: Are you building a time machine?Vezon: Yeah.Solaris: Well, good luck with that. See all of you next show.To be continued... Well, at least that's what the voices tell me...

Solaris: Electric Sentinel: Fluidic Master Nuva. It's... ALL ADJECTIVES!

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Name: RaidenSpecies: ToaPowers (if any): Storms, chicken, and summoning ussal crabs at willMask (if any): MiruAlignment: GoodDescription: quirky, calm, Background info: likes ussal crabs and having friends.Running gag: LIKE A BOSS.Yes or no: Yes or no

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Well, another one of Solaris' crazy concoctions. Let's hope Kongu will leave you alone and you can actually finish this this time. I liked this part:

Solaris: Hello, lades an' gennelmen. Do not be alarmed by my greeting, I am not another American hillbilly. See, I speak with a British accent.Vezon: So? Who doesn't?Vakama: Yeah. You trying to prove something?
And the twist on the typical "Ask Comedy". But alas, most of your other jokes kind of fell flat. Using Vezon in a comedy, at least to the extent you have, is badly overused. I would have liked to have seen more emphasis on Malum here. And less insanity jokes - that's overused, really. All of us are somewhat insane - no need to over-analyze that. Really.
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Solaris: Welcome back. This time, our writer has come up with some quality comedy, so don't worry. And we have a voluntary guest host. That, and Vezon left. Wow, just as I got everything together, everything fell apart. Well, welcome to the stage Toa Raiden.Raiden: [walks onto the stage like a boss] Good evening, folks.Solaris: I say that.Raiden: I never noticed that before.Solaris: Yeah, well, now I do. Good evening, folks, Vezon is gone, as per request. He was a thorn in everyone's sides, and he didn't even fire Scott for me. I had to do it myself.Raiden: He didn't sound all that reliable.Solaris: It's okay. Today, I've got Malum.Malum: Help me! I'm being held on this show against my will.Solaris: No, you want to be here, right?Malum: [stands up straight, eyes wide open] Of course I want to be here.Raiden: Are you controlling his mind LIKE A BOSS?Solaris: ... Not really controlling his mind so much as... could you not do that?Raiden: Do what LIKE A BOSS?Solaris: That.Raiden: What? Say "like a boss" every once in a while.Solaris: No, speak. Don't speak.Malum: But he's your guest host. He's supposed to speak.Solaris: Yes, well sometimes I don't want to listen to other things.Malum: This isn't funny. No one's going to laugh at this.Solaris: Oh, just because Vorox don't speak Matoran doesn't mean they won't find this stuff funny.[camera pans to studio audience bleachers, filled with Vorox]Solaris: I appreciate you providing the laughs, Malum.Malum: Oh, they were misbehaving and needed to be tortured.Solaris: ... Are you insulting me?Raiden: Can I just say something?Solaris: I told you to be quiet!Raiden: [sits back in disappointment, conjuring chickens] [mumbles] All I wanted was a couple friends on this show.Malum: Should we get to the question portion of the show?Solaris: Yeah, let's hop to it. Computer! How many emails.Computer: You have 3 emails.Solaris: Again? Look, to those watching, if you have a question you would like to ask me, just put it in your reply. First email.Computer:

Solaris,Since when are you funny?Matau
Solaris: You're not funny, either you know.Raiden: Yeah, and what's with that staff? You just look silly waving that thing around. Is it a saw?Malum: [smashes computer for no good reason]Solaris: Dude, for what was that?Malum: I have anger issues, okay!Raiden: Yeah, but could you control them LIKE A BOSS?Solaris: [grips forehead] I just can't find a way to make that funny. And Malum, try not to eat or crush anything of mine. It just makes everyone angry. Just ask the Vorox.Vorox Studio Audience: [roars, slobbers, yells, screeches, meows]Solaris: Why are they meowing?Malum: Oh... I really don't know.Raiden: What are we going to do about the questions if we don't have a computer.Solaris: Well, first of all, Malum is fired. Second of all, I have my handy dandy smartphone.Malum: Uh...Solaris: [searches inventory] Coulda sworn I just had it.Malum: Solaris... one problem.Solaris: Yeah, severance pay. I'll get you back at the end to the millennium.Malum: Well, I'm fine with that. It's just that I ate your phone.Solaris: Oh... well then...Malum: It was shiny and I had to eat it!Solaris: Not funny. Honestly, I'm going to have to start breaking the fourth wall to get some laughs up in here.[commercial]Solaris: Hi. Still the only sponsor. I almost got Pepsi on board, but I still have some honor in my loyalty to Coke. Anywho... Great Beings I hate when people say that. WHO WROTE THIS?[inaudible off-screen dialogue]Solaris: [shoots one of the writers] The word of the day is "Schizophrenia." Say it five times fast or form it from Soviet brainwashing. You want it, I have it. Schizophrenia, the most fun mental illness. [voice-over] I'm Solaris and ignore everything that I've said and ever will say. I disapprove this message.[back to the show]Solaris: Well, everything just went off the rails. Our musical guest, The Scarabax Beatles... that name is just so un-creative I want to kill someone. We don't need a cameraman, do we? Only one way to find out. [shoots cameraman] It seems we do. Oh well, too bad, so sad. So, Scarabax Beatles burrowed into the ground and didn't stop until they were in China where they were arrested for illegal immigration. This is what happens when you are an insect without a passport.Raiden: I could collect them with a storm.Solaris: How so?Raiden: Well, the winds could blow them back here.Solaris: I don't want them back. If their name was that horrible, I don't want to hear how mind-meltingly horrendous their music is.Raiden: I could also summon a few Ussal crabs to fetch them.Solaris: Crabs carrying insects? Weird.Raiden: I'll do both. [begins working powers]Solaris: While he's doing that--Kongu: Methinks I senseth a disturbance in yon air. Perhaps I shalt investigateth. Away! Away!Solaris: Oh, Karz, you just caught Kongu's attention.Raiden: Oh, right, Kongu's your nemesis.Solaris: AND he's speaking Elizabethan. I'll show him.Kongu: Ah, Solaris, tis good to once more see-eth thee, alack a day!Solaris: Alack a day this, thou punk!Kongu: Thou faileth in yon competition to speaketh in a most fair Elizabethan.Solaris: Careth I not! Tarry here thou shan't! Get-eth off mine lawn, thou knave!Raiden: What are you guys saying. Is this comedy?Kongu: Thou ratchatcher, thou! Thou trippeth over thine own tongue, causing thine language to spill in a most preposterous manner.Solaris: Thou speaketh of manners, but mine estate doth be bigger than thine!Kongu: And every day, thou wandereth through yon halls, alone and unloved.Solaris: Forget this. Bring it on, :censored: .Kongu: Oh, but it has already been brought.Raiden: Commercial, commercial, COMMERCIAL![commercial]Solaris: Have you ever noticed that politics is being governed itself by money? ... I was just asking, you don't need to get in my face about it. Geez, can't a guy ask a question in commercial without being beaten to death by the press. I was just asking a question because I had nothing else to say. Stop taking my picture! Back to the show, back to the show, BACK TO THE SHOW![back to the show]Raiden: Well, Solaris and Kongu are now circling each other over the remains of Solaris's computer... nothing's happened yet. Hang on... no, Kongu had an itch on his back.Malum: Did you get the popcorn?Raiden: I thought you had the popcorn. I'm handling the camera, here.Malum: Well, I'd crush the popcorn bowls with no good reason because everything in Solaris's kitchen is shiny.Raiden: Everything?Malum: Bowls, plates, silverware, cookware, everything!Raiden: How would you know. You didn't even get the popcorn.Malum: Oh, I just trashed everything in his kitchen.Raiden: Everything?Malum: You should stop asking that. And yes. I see shiny, I crush shiny.Raiden: LIKE A BOSS, man.Malum: Actually, I was more of a supervising assistant. My claws did most of the work.Solaris: [stands up straight] How is all of this comedy? Why is Malum back in here? Where's the popcorn for which I asked?!Kongu: Well, this was all good fun, but I have The Scarabax Beatles booked for the night.Solaris: I thought they accidentally burrowed to China.Kongu: Keep thinking that.Solaris: [pauses a moment] ... Every time I do, it becomes less and less plausible.Kongu: Don't kill me. [throws pile of money on the ground] See y'all later. [dashes outside]Malum: That wasn't much of an epic face-off.Raiden: Yeah. I've seen janitors that were more LIKE A BOSS than you.Solaris: That could've been funny sometime in this universe, but not here and not now. You're a nice kid, Raiden, but I'm just really pretentious. [suddenly shoots Malum]Raiden: WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!Solaris: Well, he ignored the trespassers will be shot sign on my door.Raiden: Why didn't you shoot Kongu.Solaris: Because he's rich enough to afford access into this place. I just got enough money to hire Mata Nui for my next guest host!Raiden: That was all just a set-up.Solaris: No. You summoned him accidentally, he paid his way into my room, we tried to fight a little and he ran away because I didn't get my popcorn.Raiden: Right... can someone get this for me.Vorox: [hops down from studio audience]Raiden: Not you! [starts summoning chickens and storms to distract the Vorox]Solaris: Perhaps you should try something shiny.Raiden: [throws Solaris at the Vorox]Solaris: OW! Well, folks, that's our-- OOF-- show for now-- GREAT BEINGS WHAT KARZAHNI IS THIS-- stick around for some more coming... soon. WHY, RAIDEN, WHY?Raiden: I got your popcorn.Solaris: Too late. I don't want popcorn now that I almost got shredded by some animal. I just have one question for you: Yes or no?Raiden: What?Solaris: Just answer the question: Yes or no?Raiden: [stares Solaris in the eyes] Yes or no.Solaris: [leans away from challenger] Clever. But, I've heard better.Raiden: What a put-down. LIKE A--Solaris: Ah, ah. I like you too much to say that again on this already failing show. My room's been trashed... I could go on, but I just... don't feel like doing anything right now.Raiden: Well, I guess we'll close with a commercial.[commercial]Solaris: I hoped you enjoyed this show. If you didn't, I don't blame you. It kind of bombed. But, things get better with age, and I assure you I'll grow to everyone's standards. In the meantime, stick around for more bad puns. Speaking of which, I stole The Scarabax Beatles from Kongu's house and took them for a ride in a... you'd think it'd be yellow... a Green Submarine.Click: Ringo, I know what you're thinking, but don't pull that lever!Solaris: But I can't help it! I'm a born lever-puller!Vezon: [walks onto screen] Rip-off artist. [walks off screen]Solaris: If you got that reference, don't bug me I don't want to hear about it. But do reply. Or don't, your choice, really. But feedback would help if you don't want to read another chapter as terrible as the last two. This is Solaris, signing off.To be continued... No guarantees, but no denials, either...

Solaris: Electric Sentinel: Fluidic Master Nuva. It's... ALL ADJECTIVES!

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Solaris: Yeah, well, now I do. Good evening, folks, Vezon is gone, as per request. He was a thorn in everyone's sides, and he didn't even fire Scott for me. I had to do it myself.Raiden: He didn't sound all that reliable.
*round of applause* Thanks for listening to the feedback.
Solaris: I appreciate you providing the laughs, Malum.Malum: Oh, they were misbehaving and needed to be tortured.
Excellent. I see that you know Malum well. And Toa Raiden was impeccable. Although Malum's newfound interest in destroying shiny things is growing old fast as well. Not so the Vorox, who you should keep as the studio audiance, and you should definately make use of them in the next chapter - remember the Vorox attack in The Legend Reborn?Perhaps, to improve your chapters, you ought to take on a plot that lasts more than a few lines and has nothing to do with strange guest star quirks. Perhaps Solaris and the Vorox could go somewhere?And perhaps we could get back to questions. Like this one: * * * Solaris, Do you like chickens?fishers64
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Solaris: Well, no more assistants for me. First Vezon, then Malum... But today we have a good guest host. With the help of Kongu's bribe money-- don't give me that look, I have no conscience-- I was able to afford Tahu to come aboard for the show. Tahu?Tahu: [walks on stage] Uh, hi everyone... What's with the Vorox?Solaris: Oh, they're my studio audience.Tahu: How poor are you, anyways?Solaris: There are starving children working at a shoe factory in Indonesia that have a higher disposable income than me.Tahu: That's... sad.Solaris: Yeah, well you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.Tahu: Your jokes just make me want to cry.Solaris: Hey, you set 'em up, I knock 'em down. Back to the subject of the Vorox. Let's say, in theory, if I brought Mata Nui on this show as a guest host, would it be insulting if I reenact the Vorox fight scene from The Legend Reborn?Tahu: Well, it was only one Vorox in that scene--Solaris: Yeah, but he's a better fighter, now isn't he?Tahu: I'm not a big expert on Vorox. Why don't you ask Malum?Solaris: Oh, I shot him.Tahu: :surprised: . Why would you do that?Solaris: He smashed all of my shiny things. Now, if you don't mind, I need a new computer. Get in the car.Tahu: I was just wondering which room this is in your house. I see a car... a bed... and... is that a gun rack?Solaris: Yeah, I don't have a license for those. Now come on, we're going computer shopping. Raiden, keep the camera steady, cause it's gonna get rough.Raiden: Don't worry, I'll keep this camera going LIKE--Solaris: What did I tell you about that?Raiden: [mumbling] ...like a boss...Tahu: [rides shotgun] How are you going to get the car out of here?Solaris: You see that boarded-up part of the wall in front of us?Tahu: Yeah?Solaris: [shifts into reverse and drives out the door, into the hall, down the stairs and through the kitchen wall] I just put that there because birds kept slamming into my window, it broke, got drafty, and I got cold at night.Tahu: That's... I don't know what to say.Solaris: Oh, I noticed you decided to ride shotgun, so you're gonna have to have this ready if we get pulled over by the cops. [hands Tahu a SPAS-12 shotgun]Tahu: I have a sword, you know.Solaris: Yes, but the pen is mightier than the sword. I named my SPAS-12 "The Pen." Ergo, it is mightier than your sword.Tahu: That's not a very effective reasoning technique.Solaris: Well, it's your problem, not mine.Tahu: Actually--Solaris: Oh, you're just gonna keep shooting me down like that, aren't you?[silence]Tahu: Can I look at your speedometer for a moment?Solaris: ... I'd rather you not. Oh, hey, Best Buy! [hits the brakes]Tahu: [flies out of the car]Solaris: [turns to face the camera] Remember to buckle up when you're driving with a maniac because you will get in an accident. Or an incident if you sustain no damage to yourself or your car.Tahu: [opens eyes] GREAT BEINGS!Solaris: Something wrong?Tahu: THE SHOTGUN'S POINTED RIGHT AT MY FACE!Solaris: [gets out] Relax. [picks up shotgun] The trigger safety is... [flicks switch] ... on. Now let's get me a new computer.[they walk into the store]Solaris: Hello, my name is Toa Solaris. I would like a computer.Tahu: You just walked in and said that, as if you expected someone to do the work for you. There's no one standing in front of you.Solaris: ... If you aren't more careful, you might end up like Malum. [walks around store]Akhmou: Hi, can I help you with anything?Solaris: Uh, I'm looking for a computer.Akhmou: Are you sure you don't want a tablet?Solaris: Yeah... those things have the computing power of a Cheerio.Akhmou: All right, Windows or Apple.Solaris: Windows.Akhmou: I think I know just what you need. This is a new laptop that just came in--Solaris: Why would I want a laptop?Akhmou: Because they're light, portable, and easy to carry around.Solaris: Yeah, but you have to keep recharging them. I want a good old-fashioned desktop monitor with a big old boxy computer.Akhmou: Well, we have a flat-screen--Solaris: Maybe I wasn't clear with the whole old-fashioned desktop monitor.Akhmou: Do you really want one of those clunky old box monitors.Solaris: Yes.Tahu: That's a bit of a strange choice.Solaris: Oh please, don't get me started. I'd shoot my show in black and white if I had the energy to deal with one of those cameras.Tahu: [opens mouth as if to say something while raising finger, then thinks better of it]Akhmou: Well, I don't have one of those monitors in stock, but I'll order one for you and call you when its in.Solaris: And what is your ETA on the monitor?Akhmou: [does math in head] Five business days to a week.Solaris: [pins Akhmou to a wall, even though they're standing clear in the middle of the store] How do you feel about your left foot?Akhmou: Very protective all of a sudden.Solaris: Then have it in by tomorrow and you won't have to worry about me bringing in my studio audience.Akhmou: Was that supposed to be a threat?Tahu: You have no idea.Akhmou: I can get it to you by tomorrow. Just give me your number and I'll call you when we get it.Solaris: [backs off] Hey, I just met you, man, and this whole idea is just absurd. But, as it is necessary, here is my contact information, so make sure that the chance of calling me is above 40%.Akhmou: Did you just--Tahu: He did. Makes you want to punch something, right?Akhmou: Oh, and Solaris, you've met me before.Solaris: Oh?Akhmou: Yeah. I work at the pizza place, here, the Chinese food place, McDonald's, the bank, the supermarket, several stores at the mall, the Apple Genius Bar, the bar at TMNI Friday's, the hobo alley behind the Burger King without a drive-through, and the Museum of Biomechanical History.Solaris: Wow, you must make a lot of money from all those jobs.Akhmou: You'd think that, wouldn't you?Solaris: Well, I'll be back for my computer, tomorrow.[the next day]Solaris: [takes box of computer components from Akhmou] Thanks. [leaves shop]Akhmou: Wait! Where are you going? You didn't pay for that!Tahu: Aren't you going to go pay for that?Solaris: Hard times, Tahu. [starts car, steps on gas][commercial]Solaris: Hi, I'm Solaris. Mess with me, and my studio audience will find you and tear you to shreds.[back to the show]Solaris: There! The computer's all set up. Now just need to log on... and 4 emails. Cool.Computer:

Solaris,Do you like chickens?fishers64
Solaris: I once knew a man who said that everything tasted like chicken. When I served him chicken, he said it tasted like everything.Tahu: Aren't you supposed to answer the question?Solaris: Did you read the title. DON'T Ask Solaris. I'm being rather useless right now.Tahu: Um, next email, then.Computer:
Solaris,What's the difference between a proton and an ion?Awaiting response,Nuparu
Solaris: Well, a proton is something, and an ion is something else.Tahu: Do you actually know the answer to that question?Solaris: Yes, but I just really like seeing people suffer in the doubt of their own minds.Tahu: Let's... just keep going.Computer:
Solaris,Why can't you do anything right?I know when you're sleeping,Kongu OXOXOXOXOX
Solaris: How does he know when I'm sleeping?Tahu: I'm pretty sure about 99% of people sleep at night.Solaris: Of course. That's what I was thinking. Of course I sleep, why would you think I wouldn't.Tahu: I said nothing of the sort.Solaris: Ah, next question.Computer:
Solaris,You didn't pay for your computer, so I'm sending you the bill. I really hope you wise up and pay for something, this time.Akhmou
Solaris: [deletes email] What bill? I never received your email.Tahu: Have you ever paid for anything?Solaris: When I was a Matoran, I used to pay for things, but now I just get by on feeble comedy. Besides, this is what Akhmou gets for not going to college like all the other successful Matoran. Now why is my keyboard covered in green stuff?Tahu: That looks familiar...Solaris: [coughs] Could you go fetch me some orange juice?Tahu: I think I've had about enough of this show. You probably put your orange juice in bottles labelled "Simpson."Solaris: [cough] You read me like a-- [cough]-- book.Tahu: Isn't that joke a little offensive.Solaris: A little-- [cough] satire isn't going to-- [cough, cough]-- kill anyone. Speaking of-- [cough]-- which, GET OFF OF MY LAWN!Tahu: I'm not on your lawn.Solaris: [pushes Tahu out the window] Now you are.Computer: Hey, sorry if I'm interrupting something, but you got a new email.Solaris: Right then.Computer:
Solaris,So how's life been treating you, man? 'Cause it's all groovy where I am, man.Best Friends for Eternity Via Reincarnation,Lewa
Solaris: Ah, Lewa. I remember when I went to Woodstock with him. Worst three days of my life. Come brethren and let us sing in Hymn number 143. [singing] DELETED! [talking] There... Awfully quiet in here, all of a sudden... Hey, Vorox, let's go outside and play a game of baseball! [cough]Vorox #1: [translated from Vorox] Silly Toa. Doesn't anyone know that the only way to destroy a disease is to kill the carrier.Vorox #2: Yes. The only reason the common cold is still abuzz amongst them is because they never figured out to kill the one with the runny nose.Vorox #3: And why is he inviting us to such an uncivilized game as baseball. Come, gents. I propose a game of croquet!Vorox #2: Here, here!Solaris: Huh. I wonder what they're saying. Probably-- [cough]-- chatting about how much they love baseball.To be continued... Yes, I'll be sick in the next episode, if that ever happens...

Solaris: Electric Sentinel: Fluidic Master Nuva. It's... ALL ADJECTIVES!

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Solaris: Do y'all remember back in 2001 when the Kohlii balls got infected and all, and Huki... pardon, Hewkii was coughing and angry and stuff? Yeah, I guess that's what happens when you don't pay for something Akhmou sells ya. Now, I'm coughing and angry and stuff. [course sigh] Our guest today is... one of my Vorox. They won't let anyone in or out of my house.Vorox: [screams]Solaris: Yeah, that's great. WHY DON'T YOU JUST MARRY IT?Vorox: [blinks]...Solaris: Uncultured little sand throwers. Computer, how many emails have I?Computer: Well, you seem to have about 7 or so. I'm not really sure you're supposed to check every email in your inbox, because some personal ones always sneak in there and make you look like a Brakas.Solaris: Windows 7 is so much more user friendly than Windows Vista. I don't like that. First email, then.Computer:

Solaris,Get well soon,Dr. Nokama
Solaris: Aw, that's sweet. My doctor sent me a get well soon email. THAT'S A LOAD OF HELP FROM A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL!Vorox: [croaks]Solaris: Oh, what do you know?Vorox: [translated] Perhaps all you need to do is take off that silly bathrobe and don a fine suit with a nice strait cravat. That always brings me out of the dumps. That, and a snifter of fine, aged brandy and an expensive cigar. I sit in a hand-made armchair and hold neither of them up to my mouth. That's what rich people do, right?Solaris: Those high-pitched noises you're making make me want to KILL YOU.Vorox: [translated] Either way, I'll get the brandy. [gets up to leave]Solaris: [grabs Vorox by the leg] You're not going anywhere. I may have let the other three guest hosts leave, but I'm going to keep you right where you are or so help me Great Beings, I will throw you to the Vorox... hang on, that only works when I'm talking to anyone else... Whoops.Computer: I'm just gonna... yeah...
Solaris,Whose bright idea was it to throw tea into a harbor? Way too much salt if you ask me.Kiina
Solaris: She's been reading science fiction again, hasn't she? Dear me, she's dumb.Computer: Were you writing a letter to yourself?Solaris: No, it's just a... ASK ME THAT AGAIN, AND I'LL BURN YOUR CIRCUITS ONE BY ONE!Vorox: [translated] Why, old chap, I do say you need something to calm you down and pick you up. That is what Tiramisu is for. I shall have the servants prepare it for you. The name literally means "pick me up," you know. I shall have two plates for both you and me and neither of us shall take a bite because we're just that rich.Solaris: Next question. I need to distract myself because my guest host needs all his limbs to help me with these questions.Computer:
Solaris,I can't quite seem to find any good videos on #######. Suggestions?Ackar
Solaris: Can't help you, old man. [chuckles] He's in his midlife crisis.Vorox: [translated] So is Lenny. I do say, my good sir, but that was a rather tasteless remark.Solaris: Ah, well... Next email.Computer:
Hey, I just killed you,And this is crazy,Why won't you die,You stupid baby.Kongu
Solaris: That's a fun way of insulting me and threatening me at the same time. Ah, that's funny. Well, it's not, but now I have to be ready to KILL KONGU ONCE AND FOR ALL.Vorox: [blinks]Solaris: Or just answer the next few emails.Computer:
Solaris,Why is it that no one seems to notice I'm alive?Gelu
Solaris: We told you like ten billion times, "There's a movie shooting not far from here," but you didn't listen. You paid the price for your ignorance... I suddenly want to play Modern Warfare 3... Anyways, YOU'RE A MORON, GELU, YOU IGNORANT FROST BITER!Vorox: [translated] This is much to stressful, and my suit has been crinkled from sitting like this. I just must have it pressed before we continue. So long, and I will see you upon the morrow. [gets up to leave]Solaris: What did I tell you about LEAVING? FOR EVERY STEP YOU TAKE OUTSIDE THIS ROOM, I WILL KILL YOU!Vorox: [screeches]Solaris: There. That's better. Next question... My, my, my.Vorox: [translated] You are much too uncivilized. I shall return to my brothers... No? Oh well.Solaris: Oh, this just totally set up itself. Get ready.Vorox: [translated] There is no way in Karzahni this is going to be funny.Solaris: Do you want answers?Computer:
I want the truth...
Solaris: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!Vorox: [translated] Ugh. My head hurts. Can anyone spare an aspirin?Solaris: That was pretty ominous, though. If you're gonna be doing that, you gotta ask me nicely.Vorox: [translated] It just gets worse and worse.Solaris: Next.Computer:
Do you have any idea what you've done...
Solaris: Uh... Those last two were kind of... creepy. I need to check my email more often because I'm sure those two would be so much more ominous on their own. Well, no musical guest because I'M UNDER A FREAKING QUARANTINE, but good time to get some rest. My bed was... repossessed a few days before I got sick, so I now sleep in my car. And you people asked why I keep it in my room. HA! Crazy people.Vorox: [translated] Huzzah, I am free! Come, brethren, we have an unfinished game of croquet.Vorox #2: Ah, but 'tis tea time!Vorox: Correct! I shall have the servant make us some tea. Servant!Raiden: [peers from behind camera] Need something?Vorox: Be a lamb and fetch us some tea.Raiden: I... okay.Vorox #3: And some tiramisu if you please!Raiden: Great Beings, kill me now.Solaris: [walks back on stage] I figured out what's wrong with me. I need to throw away the infected keyboard... Raiden, why aren't you on camera. Just because I'm sick doesn't mean you can go off saying "like a boss" every time someone brags to you. I SWEAR I'LL STRANGLE YOU WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S BARE HANDS!To be continued... If you think either of us can handle it...

Solaris: Electric Sentinel: Fluidic Master Nuva. It's... ALL ADJECTIVES!

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Solaris: Hello, my name is Toa Solaris. I would like a computer.
This quote is fantastic. I like the subtle refrences to the Mata Nui Kohlii virus and the Vorox's ironic appreciation for refined culture. Although he seems to appreciate human refined culture, though, which is somewhat of an error.* * *Solaris,How are you going to use a computer without a keyboard? fishers64
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