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On The Turaga's Secret Service

SLO Entry

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#1 Offline Ddude

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Posted Jun 27 2012 - 09:52 PM

Greetings, fellow BZPers. I saw there was a Comedies Contest goin’ on, and I’ve been meaning to write a comedy for a while, so I thought, “What better way to propel myself to riches and glor-err, get into the forum?”This particular comedy is parody of the film Goldeneye,(thought I will admit it is a fairly loose parody) set near the final days of Metru Nui. Now those of you more familiar with the James Bond film franchise might be looking at this and going, “Hey, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service and Goldeneye are totally unrelated!” And you would be correct. I couldn’t think of a good name for this that related to Goldeneye in any way. =PI had to whip this up pretty quick, seeing as I'm moving across the country in a few days. And this is my first comedy. So yeah, not exactly going to stake my reputation on this bad boy. :P As a quick note, I’m not exactly a mastermind when it comes to Bionicle canon, so you’ll have to forgive me if there are any errors. If there are any grammatical errors or plot holes, however, I give you full license to kill me. :P---Part 1~Number 8 did not like his mission. Then again, he generally never liked his missions. They usually involved explosions, death, or explosive death. Number 8, you see, was part of a highly secretive, elite (or so he was told) task force of Matoran, formed in the shadows by Turaga Dume. From what he had deduced (that is, overheard Dume mumble between fits of maniacal laughter), this team was formed in order to perform tasks Toa were either morally opposed to doing or not discreet enough to do. Fortunately, Matoran quite literally all looked identical, and as such members of this group drew no attention to themselves whilst walking innocently away from the flaming remains of other Matoran. Whenever he asked Dume why all Matoran looked the same, Dume would just mumble something about “production budgets” and resume his maniacal laughter. He pretty much did it around the clock. He had been trying for a while to figure out how long, and why, he had been doing these missions. Dume never really gave a straight answer to any question. It seemed like Dume feared some of rebellion if Number 8 were to gather enough information, which made Number 8 all the more curious. All Number 8 truly recalled was one day waking up in a dark room with a throbbing head and an irrational desire to endlessly serve whoever spoke to him first. This ended up being Dume, who, after giving Number 8 a brief as to who he (Dume) was and about the importance of following orders, put him into the repeating cycle of explosions lamented earlier.For reasons beyond his comprehension, he felt compelled to follow any and all orders given to him by Dume, even though he knew it was wrong to do so. He knew he should turn himself in, but he couldn’t. And for some reason, whenever he thought of Dume, he always thought of him as “The Precioussssssss.” Every so often, while sitting in a dark room thinking, Dume would call him in and give him some insane mission, and Number 8 would have no willpower to refuse. And so it was, he accepted yet another mission from Dume with the usual, vague sense of disdain he had for his job.Dume had seemed even less coherent than usual for this particular briefing. “Your mission,” he said in a deranged mumble, “which you will choose to accept once I am done saying it to you, is to set off a flash bomb inside a recently developed Knowledge Tower.”“You want me to set off a…flash bomb, sir?” Number 8 was surprised he was setting off a nonlethal explosion. He hadn’t even been sure that kind of explosion existed until now. “Yes, a flash bomb. You see, scholars working in Knowledge Towers are generally so obsessed with their work that they completely shun the outside world. A flash bomb would have no significant effect on you or me, but on a focused Ko-Matoran scholar the sudden deviation from rational thought would override their minds and cause them to explode! Or at least, so goes my theory.”“So…if this is supposed to kill them, why not just set off a regular explosive?” Dume grunted. “Well, I usually don’t like it when you ask for a reason, but I suppose in this case the explanation it is worth noting. You see, I’ve purchased insurance on this particular Tower’s employees, and I stand to gain an exceptional amount of money if they were to…malfunction. However, I need their bodies alive to claim the insurance money.”“But…sir, you’re the supreme leader of Metru Nui. Couldn’t you just, I don’t know, demand the money? Why do you even need money, you have unlimited res…“ Number 8 noted that Dume was looking rather irritated. “It’s just that, it seems rather extreme to have several Matoran killed just to get more of something you already have. Think of the negative effects on society!”“Oh don’t go all Vakama on me.” Dume assumed a mocking tone. “Waaaah, waaaah, this is really, like, dangerous, maaaaaan! Think of how it could affect our civilization! What if the mask, like, malfunctioned, maaaaaan!” Dume breathed heavily, mumbling about useless masks. “I pay you to aimlessly kill people to advance the destruction of Matoran society, not think about the implications of it!” Number 8 considered this for a moment. “Sir, you don’t pay me. You just tell me to sit in a dark room until you need me for something. Also, what was that part you said at the end-”“AS I WAS SAYING before you so rudely started saying words with your mouth, you shall be rendezvousing with Number 752 on your mission.” Number 8 grunted. He was pretty sure that the members of this group were assigned numbers at random, just to keep them guessing. “He will have the weapon ready for you. The activation code is ‘DESTRUCT10N’.” Number 8 contemplated this for a moment. “Sir, why not just give HIM the code and have HIM set off the bomb?” Dume seemed to stop to think for a minute here. “Well…I’m going to give it to you straight here: I have way too many people available right now, so if you screw up, I’d prefer two Matoran die for it.” A normal Matoran would be bothered by this explanation, but Number 8 had heard much worse.A brief time later, Number 8 found himself riding in the back of a supply vehicle, in a small box. “The sad thing is this isn’t the worst way I’ve traveled,” he mused. “At least here I’m not in immediate danger of lava. Or sharks. Or lava sharks. Those were all a joy to deal with.” He eventually felt himself being unloaded. Good. After this, Number 572 would come unload him. Hopefully. He wouldn’t put it past the guy to casually stand by the box and do nothing for a while just to scare him.It seemed like a while passed before Number 8 heard footsteps. Then again, panic. Eventually he heard someone approaching his box, although it seemed they were attempting to hide the sound. He braced himself for 572 to attempt to startle him. What happened next did indeed startle him, although differently than he expect: the box was opened and then flipped over. He found himself sprawled on the ground, face down, the box lying next to him. “How did you enter this facility.” The voice behind him was cold and toneless; a voice that could only belong to someone who spent the majority of his time…studying. “I, uh…oh dear, did I get on the wrong ship? Oops. I thought the seating arrangement was a bit stran-“Suddenly the figure pulled Number 8 up and turned him around. It was 752. “Haaaa! Gotcha. It’s me. I’ve been practicing that voice since I got this mission an hour ago. Anyway, welcome to beautiful Ko-Metru. Give the code real quick so we can get the heck out of here. Everybody’s so quiet here. It’s creepy.”They worked their way up to the middle floor, since apparently the most important scholars worked there. It presumably had something to do with Rahi breaking in or something like that. Number 8 stumbled quite a bit. He had been truly caught off guard by what had just happened. 752 was unusually cheerful for a member of Dume’s group. Not that Number 8 minded. At least someone was having fun. Once they arrived (after walking for roughly 20 seconds), 752 set the bomb down in the middle of the area. He had been swinging it back and forth as they walked, like a toy, not something that would shortly kill a large number of Matoran. “Man, those Ko-Matoran are really engaged in their work,” 752 chuckled. “They have no idea of their impending death.” Number 8 entered the code on a small keyboard, and…A 6-minute timer activated.Number 8 was surprised, primarily because he had expected it to detonate instantly. He was so surprised, in fact, that he gasped. And every Scholar in the room slowly turned towards them. Number 8 had expected this, so he leapt out of the way. 752, however, was less sharp. The Ko-Matoran formed a circle around him, thoroughly oblivious to the bomb sitting right next to him.“You…disrupted our studies.”“We…are doing important work.”“You…must be terminated.”“Ha!” 752 scoffed. “What could you nerds possibly do to me?”“We shall use the Ko-Matoran’s ultimate weapon. We will…stare scornfully at you!” And in unison, they all stared with intense looks of scorn, directly at 752. Number 8 had gone unnoticed, and he watched in horror as they stared at 752. They were just…staring at him. With pronounced irritation. Even watching it made he want to recoil in pain. He could hardly imagine what 752, convulsing in pain, could be feeling.The Ko-Matoran slowly and deliberately closed in upon 752. “Buddy…finish…the mission…FOR ENG-err, FOR OUR LOOOOORD!!” And then he slumped over. The emotional pain had killed him in a matter of minutes. Number 8 was not going to wait. He dashed down the stairs, being careful to remember any and all warning he had received regarding them, and out of the building. As he exited he heard a sort of whoosh, and several thudding noises far above him. He had finished the mission, but lost his associate.
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#2 Offline Rarity

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Posted Jul 27 2012 - 10:22 PM

Boom! Bang! Pow!OFFICIAL CCC REVIEW!First thing first, I LOVED it! But for the wrong reasons.It was very interesting, but not that funny. It lacked humor for the most part, there were only like maybe four jokes, but unlike just about every other comedy on these forums, it had a plot, and one that was interesting.Very interesting.It's hard to critique, because I liked it, but as a normal story, not a comedy. Except when he got stared at, for some reason that had me laughing, like a lot. :PIt was very well written, and I didn't notice any spelling/grammar errors, so that's a plus. d=Honestly, I think you should try to revise it, and make it a short story, or beginning of an epic.Like I said, I liked it, but not so much as a comedy, so I'm giving it a 6/10.
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