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2002: A Bohrok Odyssey

Summer Olympics

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3 replies to this topic

#1 Offline MT Zehvor

MT Zehvor
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Posted Jun 28 2012 - 11:40 AM

So here is my lovely entry for the Summer Olympics thing, put in a little under 11 and a half hours before the deadline. It's a spoof(ish) of the 2002 Bohrok saga, and it tastes glorious with mustard.======The year was 20X5 of the Galactic Calender. The last strain of the T virus was gone, Orochi had been defeated, and the last Metroid was in capitivity. The island of Mata Nui was at peace.Perhaps, more importantly, Makuta had been defeated for the first of the 10 trillion times he would be bested during the Bionicle storyline. And that was a major victory for the Toa, because...well...because it meant they could move on to the next story arc, Lego could make new toys, and thousands of over-enthusiastic kids could beg their exasperated parents for money again.At any rate, the disaster began just after the Toa Mata defeated Makuta and were magically teleported out of Makuta’s lair back onto the Starship Enterprise. However, Scotty managed to miss one small Matoran while conducting the teleportation process, and that one Matoran would, by his actions, be responsible for hundreds of Matoran deaths, the burning of mass amounts of trees across the island, and the enslavement of an entire tribe. Fortunately for him, however, Mata Nui would forget about all that when picking who to be the seventh Toa, but whatever.The Matoran’s name was Takua, and he managed to start this whole mess by waking up a rather easily annoyed hive of bug like robots called Bohrok. These “Bohrok,” were the latest failed attempts to make bioweapons out of chickens, but Makuta had neglected to clean them out of his basement before the Toa Mata arrived to battle him, and thus the ignorance of one super villain caused a disaster for the rest of the island. After Takua foolishly awoke these “Bohrok,” he barely escaped and was taken back to Ta-Koro for the killing Makuta after-party, where he was hailed as a hero, ironically enough. After partying late into the night, he was arrested by the Ta-Koro guard for desecrating Tahu’s suva, writing: “There’s gonna be a whole movie about me soon, sucker!” Apparently he had had one too many bula berries.At any rate, the Bohrok weren’t noticed by the rest of the island of Mata Nui until about a week later, as most of them, due to the negligance of Makuta, had missed their mandatory check ups and were having engine problems. When they finally did make their presence known, they decided to pick a random village to attack, deciding that to get themselves into shape, they should go after a relatively easy target. Unfortunately, their scouts were terrible at research, and mistook the lava surrounding Ta-Koro for a large vat of spaghetti sauce, which led to the unnecessary loss of many valiant Bohrok troops.The Bohrok’s seige of Ta-Koro did not go unnoticed by the rest of the island for long. In fact, it went unnoticed for all of 10 minutes. That was because Ta-Koro had the luxury of having a Matoran made in the “Jamaica” factory, and he was able to alert the Toa Mata, who were in the middle of their weekly P90-X workout, to the Bohrok attack in a record time of 3 minutes, 28 seconds.“Toa Tahu! Toa Tahu!” he yelled as he ran up, clearly attempting to flash his new Nike shoes.“Yes? What is it?” Tahu responded, pulling all sorts of muscles in an attempt to get out of his complex yoga position.“Ta-Koro is being attacked!”“By what?!”The Matoran paused, and then said “Sir, we believe they are called ‘Bohrok,’ and they are basically mechanical chickens.”“What kind of ‘mechanical chicken,’ would be stupid enough to attack a city inside a volcano and surrounded by a lake of lava?” asked Tahu, not really expecting a good answer.“We believe that they run on Windows Vista.”“Dang. Well, that accounts for the lack of intelligence. Do they have any-”Gali interjected. “Perhaps we should worry less about their operating system and more about whether or not they destroy your village.”“Ah, yes,” Tahu said, a bit embarrased. “I was just about to suggest that we cease talking and go fight these Bohrok.”Pohatu’s face brightened. “Great! I can finally be useful! We can all use my mask power to get back to your village as quickly as possible!”The Matoran shook his head. “Great Toa, that will not be necessary. I come bearing these Adidas zero-weight shoes. They will allow you to run at speeds of excess of 100 crab lengths per hour.”“Aw....” Pohatu muttered.The Matoran proceeded to pass the shoes out to the Toa Mata, and they immediately donned their new gear.“To Ta-Koro!” Tahu shouted.“To Ta-Koro!” Onua echoed.“To finding a shoe that fits my feet...” Pohatu said, now even more upset.”And with that, the Toa Mata took off for Ta-Koro, preparing to face their new, deadly foe.When they arrived, the Bohrok had begun attempting to catapult themselves over the lava lake and into the village with limited success, partly due to the not exactly aerodynamic design of their bodies, but also partly due to the fact that the Bohrok themselves hadn’t exactly been on the best of diets while in stasis for the past thousand years, and thus had gained weight which made them very hard to fling long distances. It didn’t help that all the organic food had been taken for Ussal crab feed in Onu-Koro, so the Bohrok had been stuck with simply trying to exercise to burn off the excess weight. In this case, it turned out that lava was just what they needed to burn off all that fat: as well as just about everything else on them. The only things that proved lava resistant were their Krana, and that was because they were crafted out of roughly the same material used to make Nokia phones, which anyone knows are indestructable.“This is bizarre...” Tahu said, taking in the invasion.“We can talk about whether or not it makes sense later,” Gali interrupted, throwing a stream of water at one of the Tahnok. “For now, we need to worry about repulsing this invasion. We are the Toa Mata. We are-”“Hey, er, don’t mean to, y’know, stop you in your dramatic monologue, Lewa interjected. “But you kinda annoyed that Bohrok thing over there.”Sure enough, the Tahnok was walking over towards Gali, very angry about being squirted with water.“What’s the big idea?!?” the Bohrok yelled.“You’re invading Ta-Koro!” Gali responded.“Yeah? And?”“And I sorta have a problem with that...”The Tahnok sighed. “Well, we were destined to ruin just about everything on this island. We’re not exactly big on natural beauty. Now, can you find some other island to live on?”“We were here first!” Gali said, rather upset.“We’ve been here since the time before time,” the Tahnok answered with a smug expression.Onua interrupted before Gali could respond. “What in the name of Mata Nui is the time before time?”The Tahnok paused for a moment, puzzled, and then attempted to respond. “Well, it’s-”“Because if there was time before time, then really, that time is part of time as well, and as such is not really before time.”“Dang it,” frowned Tahu. “Now I know that Turaga Vakama’s a crackpot.”“Don’t tell me you actually BELIEVE what that guy says,” Lewa said, turning to Tahu. “Well, it-”“Let me guess. You also believe in the three virtues too, huh?”“...”“Ignorant Fire Toa.”“Can we PLEASE get back on topic here,”Gali said, exasperated. She then turned towards the Tahnok. “Sorry, but this here is our island. We’re not moving. And if you keep destroying things, we’ll just have to take you all down.”“Whoa there, calm down lady,” the Tahnok said. “Nobody’s been making any threats here.”“YOU’RE FREAKING INVADING TA-KORO, YOU MORON!!!”“Hey now. Let’s leave the insults out of this and talk like respectable-”The Bohrok was interrupted by a solid kick to the face from Gali, which knocked him backwards. He quickly flipped up and moved towards Gali.“You want a piece of me, stretch?!?” he yelled, threateningly.Gali responded cooly. “You’re not big enough to be offering pieces, chicken.”And with that, the Bohrok tackled Gali to the ground, and one of the most bizarre wrestling matches in history ensued. Meanwhile, the rest of the Toa Mata had begun to help repulse the invasion of Ta-Koro, and within a few minutes, the Bohrok had retreated, after some of the heavier Bohrok managed to snap the catapults when they were fired.At any rate, the Toa reconvened around Gali after the Bohrok left, who was still finishing up the fight with the Tahnok.“EE-YA!!” Gali yelled, kicking the Bohrok in the face.The Bohrok rolled and was knocked on its side. “Oh, all right then. If that’s the way it’s gonna be...I’m gonna...uh...I’m gonna....”The Tahnok was struggling, quite furiously, to pick itself back up. But it didn’t seem able to. It weighed far too much to pick itself back up, it was nowhere near flexible enough to move itself quickly, and, as Lewa pointed out rather bluntly:“Ha! Your arms are too short!”“Your are quite gifted in the valuable skill set of stating the obvious, you know that?” responded the Tahnok sarcastically.Gali interrupted the insult fest. “I’m not done with you yet!” she yelled, walking up and kicking the Bohrok in the face.With the solid kick, the Bohrok’s head fell open and its krana spilled out.“...what is that?” Onua asked, not expecting a real answer.“It is a krana,” a wise, old voice responded from behind them.The Toa Mata turned around and noticed Turaga Vakama, coming up from behind. “Aw, great.” Tahu muttered. “Now he’s gonna use his narrator voice and lecture about duty and destiny for an hour or so.”“In the time before time...” Turaga Vakama began. “The great beings at Lego decided that it would be profitable if they made collectables for kids to buy. So they invented the krana.”“Krana?” Lewa asked, holding the bizarre creature up. “I thought this was a Shakespeare mask.”“The krana are a very dangerous and powerful species,” continued Vakama.“Dangerous and powerful? Pfft...” Lewa interrupted and removed his mask, preparing to try out his new “sad face Shakespear mask.” “What possibly bad could come out of wearing this thin-”“NO!!” Vakama yelled.“EEEEEYYYYYAAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!” Lewa screamed. “GET IT OFF!!! IT’S ON MY FACE!!! IT’S KILLING ME!!! IT’S-”Suddenly, Lewa went silent, and looked at the other Toa.“...what is he doing?” Pohatu asked.“He’s come under the Bohrok’s control by putting that krana on his face!” Vakama responded. “Quick! We must get it off!”“I am a servant of the swarms,” Lewa announced to no one in particular. “I shall now help restore Mata Nui to the way it was before the evil nature took over.” And with that, Lewa walked over to a rock and began beating it with his axe, to very little success.“...well....if that is the extent of the Krana’s mind control...perhaps it’s not that bad if Lewa is left there...” Vakama said...“What exactly are these krana?” Tahu asked.“The krana are dangerous creatures who control the Bohrok swarms. Their purpose is single minded: to make sure NO ONE can have nice things.”“Ah.”“There are 8 different types of krana,” Vakama continued. “Vu, Yo, Su, Ca, Ja, Xa, Ja, and Za.”“Wait a minute,” Tahu interrupted. “You said Za twice.”“...no...I said Xa and Za.”“Right. That’s the exact same thing. Za and Za.”“No no no no no. One is XA...with a X...and the other is ZA....with a Z.”“Both Z and X sound exactly the same!” Tahu exclaimed.“Yes, well...that’s what they were named.”“Dang it Lego. Who in the world thought THAT was a good idea.”“You’re telling me,” said the Tahnok, still unable to get up. “I wanted the ability to communicate telepathically, and all I got was this stupid ability to form complex strategies. I mean, really? Complex strategies? We’re blowing up the island, not playing Risk.”Vakama began again. “To defeat the Bohrok, you will need 6 of each 8 kind of krana. You must search the island far and wide, defeat all Bohrok you meet, and recover their krana.”“Aw, why would we waste any time doing that?” Onua said. “Let’s just head over to the nearest Po-Mart and buy tons of krana packs! We’ll have to have enough eventually.”“No, wait, that wouldn’t make any sense-”“Excellent plan, brother. Let’s head over there now.” Kopaka said.“Wait a minute,” Gali interjected. “Where’s Lewa?”The other Toa Mata looked arouund, and saw no signs of the Toa of Air.“Aw, great,” Onua muttered. “He went wandering off. Probably managed to infect his entire village by now with those stupid Shakespeare masks of his.”“Onua, you go find Lewa and get that thing off his face,” Tahu ordered. “The rest of us will head over to Po-Koro.”“Aw, what? Why do I always have to save Lewa?!” Onua muttered, and began walking towards Le-Koro.“Woo hoo!” Gali excalimed. “Po-Mart! Now I can finally get some quality shopping time in!”“Oh dear...” Pohatu said. “What have I gotten myself into now?”After a long trip through the mines of Onu-Koro, Onua eventually arrived at Le-Koro to find his worst fears confirmed. With no Toa to protect them, the village had been overrun, and the Matoran enslaved with Krana. After ripping the krana off several of their faces, Onua found Lewa beating his axe into the ground mercilessly, in an effort to destroy an evil mole.”“Brother, what are you doing?” asked Onua.Lewa turned to Onua, and then went back to attempting to kill a mole.Onua grabbed Lewa’s face. “I said, what are you do-”Lewa shoved Onua way, and then turned towards him, prepared for a fight.Onua leapt onto Lewa’s face and began clawing at the krana. “Atttaaaacccckkkk!!!!!”Lewa fell down and tumbled down a hill, Onua still clutching at the krana. After an intense sequence of punches, Onua realized why he was having difficulty removing the krana.”“It’s stuck on with spray adhesive!”Lewa had already gotten back up and was moving towards the mole again. “Wait a minute...I bet I know how I can fix this! There’s some spray adhesive remover at Po-Mart!” Onua exclaimed excitedly, and then grabbed Lewa again.“Put me down!” Lewa yelled. “I must destroy the island!”“Shush, you! We’re going to Po-Mart!”Meanwhile, at Po-Mart, the Toa had begun a rather odd form of purchasing. The 4 of them were sitting in the toy aisle, dumping krana out of their boxes and locating the right ones they needed.“Why do these stupid things come with Kanohi masks too?” asked Tahu. “All I want is the freaking krana...”“Dunno,” Gali asked. “These masks don’t look all that well put together, either. It’s like they’re made out of plastic or something.”The Po-Matoran shop owner walked towards the Toa, nervously. “Um...I don’t mean to bother you...great warriors...but...how are you planning on paying for all of this?”Tahu looked around, unsure of how to respond, as he was broke. He then took one of the krana that he already had found a duplicate of, and gave it to the Matoran. “Put this on your face,” he said, “and you’ll find out.”“Er...ok?” The Matoran said, sticking the krana on his face. Instantly, he became a servant of the swarms. “...did you really just give him a krana?” asked Gali, in an upset tone.“Must...destroy....island...” the shopkeeper said, emotionlessly, as he began knocking over rows of the “shampoo” isle of his store.“Tahu...” Gali began.“Don’t worry. We’ll take it off of him before we leave.”“You said that about Lewa too.”“Yeah, well, Lewa’s much stupider than any shopkeeper. Anyways, back to finding krana.”The Toa Mata resumed their quest for finding the right 48 krana to unlock the the way to the Bohrok’s lair. Eventually, Onua arrived, found the spray adhesive remover he wanted, and, after multiple failed attempts to spray Lewa with it, beat the Toa of Air into unconscious with a frozen chicken and THEN used the adhesive remover.“Stupid krana, he muttered, putting Lewa’s mask back on his face.”“I think we have all the krana we need!” Gali announced excitedly.“I don’t,” Pohatu said sadly. “I still need one more krana Xa.”“I have one of those,” Kopaka said. “Here.”“...this is a krana Za,” Pohatu said, disappointedly.“Right. You asked for a krana Za.”“No...I wanted a krana Xa.”“You’re saying the exact same thing dude.”“No, I’m not! I want a krana Xa, not a krana-”Tahu reached through a pile of krana and pulled out a Pahrak krana Xa. “THERE,” he said, rather annoyed at the similar sounding names.“X and Z must sound different in Denmark or something,” Gali noted. “Do we have all the krana?” Onua asked.“Yep,” Tahu said.“Excellent. Then let’s head out for the Bohrok’s lair!”The trip to the Bohrok’s lair was a short one, partially because mapquest gave the Toa Mata turn by turn directions, but mostly because of Tahu’s excellent leadership and navagational skills. When they arrived, they found the gate locked, with slots for 48 krana.“Place ALL the krana!” Lewa yelled, having finally awoken after being beaten into submission with a frozen chicken. The Toa Mata placed the krana in their respective slots, and then watched as the gate trembled...and then slowly opened up...revealing six suits of powerful looking armor.“Aw...we came all this way for advanced forms of kevlar?” Onua asked, disappointed.“It’s Exo-Toa!” Tahu said. “Oh goody! These should help us fight off the evil Bohrok kings inside!”Tahu ran towards the armor and leapt inside. “Fits great, too. You guys should try it on.”Lewa got inside his. “Fits decently well. A bit of wobbling here and there, but no worries.”“Same,” Kopaka said.“It’s a little tight, but I can make it...” announced Gali. “How about you guys?” she asked, turning towards Pohatu and Onua and noticing Pohatu was flipped upside down in his, legs dangling above.“Let’s just say I’m really starting to regret having my body flipped around from a normal Toa,” Pohatu said.“Oh, you think YOU have it bad?” Onua asked. “I had to freaking remove my head just to get in here.”Gali looked at Onua’s head, which had been taped to the front. “Perhaps Lego isn’t such a brilliant designer as we once thought.”“Let’s move out!” Tahu commanded, and the Toa Mata moved towards the inner workings of the hive.“Halt! You shall not pass!” came a booming voice from deep inside.“Who said that?” Tahu demanded.“Clearly we have encountered Gandalf,” Kopaka noted.“I am no Gandalf! I am Cahdok, leader of the Bohrok swarms!” came the response, and a giant red dragon crawled into view.“...what in the world?”“And I...am Gahdok!” declared a second dragon, this one blue. “You shall not pass!”“You are mistaken, oh Puff the Magic Dragon!” declared Tahu. “We do not wish to pass by you.”“...what do you wish to do then?”“We are here to beat the stuffing out of you.”“Oh. Well that’s totally cool then.”“Really?”“NO! OF COURSE NOT!” bellowed Cahdok, releasing an energy barrier that sent the Toa Mata stumbling back. “WE ARE THE BOHROK QUEENS! WE SHALL DESTROY YOU ALL!”“Aw, man...Bohrok QUEENS?” Lewa said, annoyed. “These ones better not take 150+ missiles like that Metroid Queen we met a while back.”Tahu wasted no more time talking. He unlimbered an arm cannon on his armor suit, and sent it flying at Cahdok, who magically pulled up a shield to deflect the blast.“Hey! Shields are MY thing!” Tahu cried.“Well, look. Lego’s not exactly original in giving out powers to its new characters, so we kinda got some recycled from you guys,” Gahdok explained.Gali grabbed a rock and flung it at Gahdok. The boulder hit Gahdok as she was speaking, and knocked her to the ground. “Ow! Hey! No cheap shots during monologues!”“Your days of terrorizing our villages are over, monsters!” Gali declared.“Not yet!” Cahdok yelled, grabbing Gali and flinging her into a wall, shattering her Exo-Toa suit.“Ow!” “Don’t worry, Gali!” Pohatu said, still flipped upside down in his Exo-Toa suit due to his inverted body design. “I’m coming!”Gahdok attempted to push herself up, at which point Pohatu, unable to see where he was going, tripped over Gahdok and collapsed.“OOF!!” Gahdok let out. “Get off me!”“Sincerest apologies!” Pohatu said. “Man I despise Lego for this.”Kopaka attempted to launch an ice blast through his Exo-Toa arm, but found that he couldn’t. “These suits are hindering our elemental powers!” He announced.“Hooray!” Onua said, leaping out of his suit and sticking his head back on his body. “Now I have an excuse not to wear that stupid thing!”Kopaka ditched his suit and unleashed a blast of ice at Cahdok. “Die, foul dragon!”“I am not so easily defeated!” Cahdok responded, firing acid back at Kopaka in return.Kopaka ducked underneath the blast, which continued by towards Tahu, who was facing the downed Gahdok at the time. Right before the acid made contact with his body, he raised his shield and deflected the blast.“Hey!” Cahdok yelled. “That’s cheating! You weren’t expecting that!”“Yeah, and?” Tahu replied.“Your mask can’t protect you from things you don’t know are coming! You cheated! You have to let that hit you!”“My mask can’t protect me from ambushes, not from just anything I didn’t know was coming,” Tahu announced smugly.“So...as long as...I make clear that it’s an ambush, you’re not allowed to block it?”“...well...I...” Tahu stammered.“THIS IS AN AMBUSH!!” Cahdok yelled, hurling a rock at Tahu.“Aw...nuts...” Tahu said before getting nailed in the face.Meanwhile, Kopaka had formed a plan.“Guys, I think I have an idea on how to beat these guys!”“What is it?” Onua asked.“We have to combine our powers and trap them inside a protodermis cage!”“A what?!”“A protodermis cage! We can make a virtually indestructible prison whenever we combine our powers together!”“We can?!?”“Yes!”Onua looked flustered. “That would’ve been really nice to know back when we were fighting for our lives against Makuta!!”“Sorry! It didn’t seem important enough to speak of at the time!”“Guys, quit arguing!” Gali yelled. “Just do it now!”“Wait a minute,” Lewa interjected. “Where’s Pohatu? We need him too!”“I’m right here,” came a muffled voice from inside a suit of Exo-Toa armor pinning a Bahrag to the ground.“...never mind. You’re doing a great job keeping Gahdok occupied!”“Hooray!” Pohatu cheered. “Finally, I’m useful!”“Rest of the Toa,” Tahu shouted. “Aim for the remaining Bahrag! Five Toa should be enough to seal him away!”The Five Toa Mata aimed their elemental powers towards Cahdok and fired. The blast connected squarely with the red Bahrag, creating a thin coating of metallic like surface that imprisoned the Bahrag. Cahdok was trapped.“Wait a minute...” Kopaka said, running his hand over the material. “This isn’t...this isn’t protodermis!”“You’re right...it’s...it’s...it’s Gold Titanium Alloy!” Onua announced.“It’s what?” Kopaka asked.“It’s the magical stuff that Tony Stark used to make his Iron Man suit.”“...well, good enough for me then. Let’s go part-”Kopaka was interrupted by the floor opening up underneath him and dropping him into a vat of energized protodermis.“AAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH-”“Don’t worry, Kopaka! I’ll save you!” Tahu yelled, before the floor opened up underneath him and dropped him into a vat of energized protodermis as well.“Don’t worry, Tahu! I’ll save you!” Lewa shouted, before the floor opened up beneath him and dropped him into a vat of the same stuff.“Don’t worry, Lewa! I’ll save-” Gali yelled, before she met the same fate.“Don’t worry, Gali!” I’ll-” Onua shouted, before he was dropped as well.“Don’t worry, Onua!” Pohatu yelled, finally managing to drag himself out of the Exo-Toa suit. “I’ll save you!”Nothing happened.“Aw...man...the Great Spirit doesn’t like me...” Pohatu said, depressed. “Now I’ll never-”The floor opened up beneath Pohatu.“YYYYAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!! I’VE BEEN ACCEP-*BLURGH!!!*”Inside the vats, the Toa Mata were transformed into the more powerful Toa Nuva, with the all new powers of...hotter fire....colder ice...harsher winds...stronger stone...larger waves...and garden fertilizer instead of plain old dirt. When the transformation was complete, they all rejoiced at their new powers.“Hoorah! I have two swords!” Tahu shouted.“Hoorah! I have axes instead of claws!” Gali shouted.“Hoorah! I actually have something besides hands and giant feet!” Pohatu shouted.Well...all except one rejoiced.“How am I supposed to build a half decent sand castle with THESE stupid things?” Onua asked, puzzled at the Great Spirit’s choice of weaponry.And thus, with the defeat of the Bahrag, the terrible threat of the Bohrok was ended, because all the krana relied on the Bahrag, or something. Typical Star Wars fashion ending. The Toa Nuva all went back home, lived happily ever after(at least until bad things happened again), Le-Koro was freed from the influence of the Bohrok, and the Matoran running Po-Mart had ruined his whole shop before the Toa defeated the Bahrag.Owell.the ENDZ.-MT
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#2 Offline Athmos

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Posted Jun 28 2012 - 12:39 PM

The year was 20X5 of the Galactic Calender. The last strain of the T virus was gone, Orochi had been defeated, and the last Metroid was in capitivity. The island of Mata Nui was at peace.

Should be, "captivity."

At any rate, the Bohrok weren’t noticed by the rest of the island of Mata Nui until about a week later, as most of them, due to the negligance of Makuta,

"negligence."

“Ah, yes,” Tahu said, a bit embarrased.

"Embarrassed."

that was because they were crafted out of roughly the same material used to make Nokia phones, which anyone knows are indestructable.

"indestructible."

Gali responded cooly.

"Coolly."

“sad face Shakespear mask.”

Lo, you forgot the 'E', woe, woe is this!

“There are 8 different types of krana,” Vakama continued. “Vu, Yo, Su, Ca, Ja, Xa, Ja, and Za.”“Wait a minute,” Tahu interrupted. “You said Za twice.”

He said 'Ja' twice. Not sure if it was supposed to be like that.

The other Toa Mata looked arouund, and saw no signs of the Toa of Air.

"around." Too many 'U's.

“Woo hoo!” Gali excalimed. “Po-Mart! Now I can finally get some quality shopping time in!”

"Exclaimed."

Onua grabbed Lewa’s face. “I said, what are you do-”Lewa shoved Onua way, and then turned towards him, prepared for a fight.Onua leapt onto Lewa’s face and began clawing at the krana. “Atttaaaacccckkkk!!!!!”Lewa fell down and tumbled down a hill, Onua still clutching at the krana. After an intense sequence of punches, Onua realized why he was having difficulty removing the krana.”“It’s stuck on with spray adhesive!”

This scene is rather confusing. I think you're missing some parts.

“Must...destroy....island...” the shopkeeper said, emotionlessly, as he began knocking over rows of the “shampoo” isle of his store.

"Emotionlessly" isn't a word. A better word would be "Unemotionally."

“...this is a krana Za,” Pohatu said, disappointedly.

"Disappointingly."

The trip to the Bohrok’s lair was a short one, partially because mapquest gave the Toa Mata turn by turn directions, but mostly because of Tahu’s excellent leadership and navagational skills.

I think "mapquest" should be capitalized. "Navigational."

“Aw...we came all this way for advanced forms of kevlar?” Onua asked, disappointed.

"Kevlar" should be capitalized.

Tahu ran towards the armor and leapt inside. “Fits great, too. You guys should try it on.”

"Leaped." All in all, this was a pretty good comedy. Fix those mistakes though.

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#3 Offline MT Zehvor

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Posted Jun 28 2012 - 12:55 PM

Ah. Thanks for the grammar corrections, although I do think it should be pointed out that leapt is also a correct past participle version of leap.-MT
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#4 Offline Athmos

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Posted Jun 28 2012 - 01:18 PM

Huh. It just doesn't sound right. But I guess that's English for ya.
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