Honor Among Reviewers

[Solaris: Electric Sentinel]

This, obviously, is the place where one can post feedback about my latest epic, No Honor Among Thieves. Please, come sit, and let's talk.But first, read the story.

[fishers64]

Once again, it seems that you have done an good job with your story.Prologue: I like the details you have given to Arren's fateful run, like this:

][/font]Arren bolted once more, running through many dirty back alleys, once almost tripping over a homeless Matoran.

However:

"Oldest trick in the book," the hunter continued to chuckle. "Just send some boys out before you to box in your prey. Eventually, he'll run to you. You're just like any other Scarabax, Arren. You think you're so clever, but eventually, the Vorox will make a tasty little snack out of you. It's the end of the line for you, Arren."

This part doesn't read off well. "Arren" is repeated twice, which is one too many times. It might be better worded: "You're just like any other Scarabax. You think you're so clever, but eventually the Vorox will make a tasty little snack out of you. And now, it's the end of the line."

Toa Ryken was happy living in his apartment. It was just the right size for him and the rent was especially reasonable for a New Atero.

Should be "Toa Ryken was happy living in his apartment. It was just the right size for him and the rent was especially reasonable for New Atero." No "a" needed.And the Mafia is a distinctly human organization, not Bionicle. An organization with the characteristics of the Mafia might be possible in inner-city New Atero, but it needs a different name - you can't just call it the Mafia. What, are all the Bionicle characters watching American television or something? It just...doesn't fit.Chapter 1: Also, the human time zone and date is a bit off-putting as well, but that's probably just me being nitpicky.So far, the story seems interesting, but the human terminology and suchnot is a put-off. I liked the sequence with the Calix; those details tell me it's a Bionicle story, not just a human story you've slapped Bionicle names on. Although it is starting to feel that way. In a future chapter, I'd like to see how the New Atero crime ring is different from human organized crime - because that is the story's main weakness so far.