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Lick The Sky - Review Topic

Review Kakaru Metru Nui Reboot

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5 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Kakaru

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Posted Jun 29 2012 - 12:13 AM

Hey guys, just a review for my new epic, Lick the Sky. This is an attempt to finally get Kakaru's story straight in my own mind. For the most part I'll be making this up as I go, though I do have an idea where I want it all to lead so it won't be pointless.I'm attempting to make this as acessible and easy to read as possible, though I may skip minor details because I know my character too well. If I miss stuff that you feel would clarify things or help to understand him better please let me know. Seriously, I just noticed that I forgot to explain what his mask is.Anyways, welcome! Read, enjoy, drop a comment if you care to. I don't expect detailed reviews but constructive criticism is always welcome!

[Lick the Sky]


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「どこに行けばいいんだ・・・」「タ・コロ村はもうおしまいだ・・・」タ・コロ村の村人達


#2 Offline Ballom

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Posted Jun 29 2012 - 12:24 AM

Good start so far. Your character seems pretty interesting, with his overall lifestyle of both theft and continuing education. Although there weren't too many details so far, I'll be curious to see where this goes, and what adventures may await Kakaru.Of course, I'm also wondering where the odd title may come in, but I'm sure that will be clarified in time.~B~
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#3 Online Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Jun 30 2012 - 09:51 PM

I enjoyed reading your first chapter of this epic. Kakaru seems to be an interesting character. I really like how you wrote the story through his POV.I did find a couple grammar mistaktes, and they are:

One functinal mask of illusion functional

Should be 'functional.' Also, mask and illusion should be capitalized.

Mahi dung, the closer to the Coliseum the more Vahki patrols increased

This part looks a little weird to me. I wouldn't consider it a grammar mistake, but it looks a little out of place, IMO.But still, I thought this was a good beginning for your epic, and I'm interested to see where you take it from here.

Edited by The Smoke Monster, Jun 30 2012 - 09:53 PM.

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#4 Offline Kakaru

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Posted Jun 30 2012 - 10:23 PM

Good start so far. Your character seems pretty interesting, with his overall lifestyle of both theft and continuing education. Although there weren't too many details so far, I'll be curious to see where this goes, and what adventures may await Kakaru.Of course, I'm also wondering where the odd title may come in, but I'm sure that will be clarified in time.~B~

Thanks! I tried to start off with a short intro and several key facts about my character to keep things simple, so I'm glad it came across well! I've found the downfall of many epics is trying to push too much information on the reader in the first chapter when it would serve better to let it all come out naturally over several chapters to keep a sense of mystery.And the title, hahaha. I know where it first came from but you'll really have to wait a while before I reveal why I chose to name the entire epic after that phrase. ;)

I enjoyed reading your first chapter of this epic. Kakaru seems to be an interesting character. I really like how you wrote the story through his POV.I did find a couple grammar mistaktes, and they are:

One functinal mask of illusion functional

Should be 'functional.' Also, mask and illusion should be capitalized.

Oops, haha. Didn't spelllcheck myself well enough. XDAnd I'm aware of the capitalization rules according to the Bionicle canon, but somehow saying Mask of Illusion never made sense to me because it's not a separate entity or location and there's not just one of them. There are lots of masks of illusion and it's like saying "I have three United States of Americas in this bag." Gramatically that just doesn't make sense. The same goes for why I don't capitalize Toa of Ice unless there's only one. I feel like the rules were skewed back in '01 and nobody bothered to clarify all the quirks, and now it's just something we all assume should be that way.

Mahi dung, the closer to the Coliseum the more Vahki patrols increased

This part looks a little weird to me. I wouldn't consider it a grammar mistake, but it looks a little out of place, IMO.

Lol, italics fail. His thoughts really got muddled there and I forgot to sort it out. I should have just rewritten that entire section, so that's totally my bad.

But still, I thought this was a good beginning for your epic, and I'm interested to see where you take it from here.

Thanks! I'm curious to see where this leads as well. The perils of writing without any real guidelines I guess. XD

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「どこに行けばいいんだ・・・」「タ・コロ村はもうおしまいだ・・・」タ・コロ村の村人達


#5 Offline Cederak

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Posted Nov 08 2012 - 06:38 PM

Guess who finally made good on their promise of reading your epic? This guy. I really enjoyed Lick the Sky thus far, in particular how every chapter feels a little too short. I don't feel shortchanged or anything, I just wish there were more. It's a fun story to read and I only encountered a few errors in it.

and quickly scaled the length to the roof.

"to" should be "of."

As he tried to come to terms with, his new life he decided it was no longer worth it to carry any kind of memory from that place.

Move the comma behind "life."

Woah wait what.

This line felt very out of place. I get that Kakaru was surprised, but maybe that would've been better as an internal thought, or even spoken by Kakaru.There's an air of mystery to your Metru Nui, like it's always bathed in a light fog for some reason. Often times, I picture the City of Legends as a sunny place, but there's something about Lick the Sky's descriptions that just make me think "fog." A question for you: Are your Vahki able to be understood or can only Dume understand them? It doesn't really matter too much, just piqued my curiosity. Moving on, I don't have a lot of typical "critic" things to say about this one. It's a well-written epic whose characters feel alive and whole, especially your protagonist. Perhaps that's because you said you know his story so well, but either way, he's interesting enough. Kakaru seems to use the Virtues as his motive for theft in the city, arguing that the means justify the end. I like a lead that stands for something and that really shows in him.I had been meaning to review this for a while and I wish I'd started sooner, because I really liked what you had to offer. Your characters, details, and dialogue are wonderful and I look forward to reading more about Kakaru's adventures in Metru Nui.-Ced

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#6 Offline Cratak

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Posted Feb 21 2013 - 11:55 AM

I just read the current available chapters, and I must say I'm impressed. The plot of your story is very good, and I like the aura you give Metru Nui. Your writing, minus the occasional spelling error (spellcheck must not be working :P), is great, and is very refreshing. I'm looking forward to more updates! :)


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