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A Madman In Chains


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#1 Offline darkslizer

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Posted Jun 30 2012 - 12:15 PM

Here they left him. Karzahni, a powerful being almost as old as the Universe itself. They didn't know the powers he truly held, the powers he had yet to explain to the Great Beings.

There was a secret he had kept his whole life, a secret that could end a world. Yet he chose not to use it.

He had gotten quite bored, be chained to a rock and all. He had become very, very bored. As barnacles began to attach to his legs over the last hundred years, the only entertainment he found was showing small fish and other sea creatures their possible fates. The weaker ones perished from fright, but the stronger ones lived for a few minutes in pure madness, if there was such a thing. All he could think about was killing Lesovikk, that evil Toa that imprisoned him. How did he get here, anyway?

He started out with a decent job, helping Matoran serve Mata Nui. But then he found out he wasn't very good at it. The Matoran he "fixed" were warped and sad, some of them even died of their repairs. He became harsher with the Matoran that could still work, pushing them harder, working them longer. Eventually his island grew shadowy and evil, as if a madman ruled it. And he did.

One day a hunched little Ga-Matoran named Dalu requested an audience with the island's ruler. She walked into the throne room, trodding on top of some of the Matoran that were too warped to live, turned to stone by the twisted ruler that punished others for his incompetence.

"Great ruler," she asked. "Why must we remain here? We have been tortured by the deafening breezes and the burning ice all around the island! Please, we beg of you, free us!"

"Do you all feel this way?" asked Karzahni.

"Yes, I was elected to be the Voice of the Matoran here, because I was the only one brave enought to speak out against this intolorence!"

"Fine," Karzahni replied. He sent Dalu out of his throne room, pondering as he did so. He didn't want the Matoran around his island, plaguing what little sanity he had left. So, after much consideration, he sent them to the Southern Continent on an airship, which landed near the volcano in the center of the island. Little did Karzahni know, his Matoran would later be menaced by six savages called the Piraka. Karzahni often thought about how the Matoran were doing in his new environment. He didn't want them all to perish, though, so he gave them empowered weapons to defend themselves against anything that might find a weak Matoran to be a tasty snack.

After a very long time, he was graced with some new visitors, though he didn't find anything wrong with them. Still, he took their original masks and granted them new ones, a gift from him to them. Yet, despite given new masks, they were still unhappy. Karzahni tore his mind apart thinking about why any being he encountered was always so frightened or appalled at his gifts. They tried to escape, and thanks to a Matoran that seemed to be hiding among his land for centuries, they succeeded.

Apparently they headed for the Southern Continent, and Karzahni had to stop them. They couldn't know what he had done to all their friends, which were now on Voya Nui. So he traveled there himself, but found no evidence of those Matoran on the entire island, only six Toa that seemed to be the Matoran's saviors. While stalking in the bushes for more possible evidence of the six Matoran, he saw those same Toa dive underwater to confront some new threat. When a large being with an even larger axe addressed the Red Toa as Jaller, Karzahni put it all together. The Toa were the six Matoran! Relentless in his task, he followed them down to the sea. Instead of finding them, however, he found Lesovikk, the Toa of Air that seemed to want to make everything right, and he branded Karzahni a villain. They fought and fought, and eventually, a large robot appeared. But he was no robot, he was Makuta! Makuta crushed Karzahni easily, and rushed away. That left Lesovikk to chain him to a large rock, where the Toa told him he would remain for an eternity. Karzahni finally realized what he was, a villain, a menace, a sight that nobody smiles at. They all just shunned him as some sort of ugly freak, an abomination! Karzahni found out that he couldn't even stand himself, and his body was his own prison.

If only he could get out of here, then he could release a monster upon the land. They would pay. They would all pay. Karzahni's eyes flashed with visions of the future that would come to pass once he left the ocean. A great creature that would destroy everything and Karzahni would rule over Mata Nui. In fact, Mata Nui would have to die. Karzahni could kill them, kill them all. Then the Matoran would worship him, begging for him to fix them, make then better. Better, he thought. I will make everything better. But where was this ally, the ally that would help him rule a Universe. He retraced his steps back to the Beginning of the Universe. For a being that was drowning in madness, he had a pretty good memory.

At the Beginning of the Universe

Karzahni entered the laboratory where the Krana were being made, where there were currently no Great Beings present. He was unhappy with his island, he found it somewhat dark and depressing, while Artahka's island could be absolutely anything he wanted. Karzahni wanted something to spice up his island, make it better than his Brother's. He didn't find anything suitable here. So he moved on. In another room, a dark, ancient one. He saw a chest plate in the room with a small gem in the center. Yet the gem was a dark stone, like it had an entire night sky in its tiny surface. He took it, thinking about how interesting it looked. This would spice up his island for sure. But the Great Beings could not know he possessed it. He forged a duplicate of the armor. One thousand years later he found out what it did. It could travel in time. if it was worn by Karzahni, he could enter a time before time, a place that came before even the Great Beings. He made a deal with a scarlet armored being there. If the being could enter the future, (the present in Karzahni's perception of time.) He would grant Karzahni immortality. And he did. Karzahni found him a place to hide once the Matoran were created to inhabit the Universe, and nobody could know that the being still lived. He found a cave on an abandoned island and imprisoned the scarlet armored entity there, not knowing that the being was one who could control the Universe, and his name was Tren Krom.


Edited by darkslizer, Jul 01 2012 - 12:04 PM.

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The_Brotherhood_of_Makuta_by_Arzeron.jpg

 

Comply.                Create.                  Consume.

 


#2 Offline Kakaru

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Posted Jun 30 2012 - 09:36 PM

First thoughts: An interesting idea left with a cliffhanger. Karzahni's backstory and his past self.I'm disappointed that this was so short. I felt like this should have been the full tale of Karzahni's descent to madness, the way you started the story with Karzahni being imprisoned and reflecting on how much he wanted to kill Lesovikk. Instead you started off with a slow though mildly-choppy idea (more on this in a bit) that Karzahni has begun to feel dissatisfied with his current location and occupation. From there you speed things up to a summary of a string of events that ends with Karzahni imprisoning Tren Krom, which doesn't tie into the idea that started this off: that he's reflecting on how he ended up chained to the rock and how much he wants to destroy Lesovikk. I feel like you could have added a lot more detail into the characters involved and how the deal was made. (Add some dialogue, some descriptions of their settings, some context and emotion to their exchange and this could be fantastic!) Bring the story full circle, include the confrontation with Lesovikk, the fight, and the conclusion. For added dramatic effect, finish it off with Karzahni imprisoned and discovering how to make a fish go mad for the first time.About the choppy writing: I understand the short, piece-by-piece, sentence-fragment style but it should be used for emphasis and not as the primary method of bringing your story alive. It loses all its meaning if done too often. Case in point:

He didn't find anything suitable here. So he moved on. In another room, a dark, ancient one. He saw a chest plate in the room with a small opal-like gem in the center. Yet the gem was a dark stone, like it had an entire night sky in its tiny surface.

If you were trying to make this appear as his thoughts or another real-world event that would cause information to be broken up into small segments (a strobe light, flashes of lightning, fits of insanity, etc) then this works well, but in context it's merely him wandering from room to room searching for something to spice up his lab.

He didn't find anything suitable here so he moved on to another room; a dark, ancient one. He saw a chest plate in the room with a small opal-like gem in the center, like an opal. Yet the gem was a dark stone, like it had an entire night sky in its tiny surface.

That sort of thing. Make complete sentences with subjects, and make sure if you put a bit in that's supposed to clarify something from the previous sentence (yet) it flows with the idea expressed last. Here I take yet to mean there was something about the gem that wasn't quite like an opal, as suggested. When worded the other way around, the last idea in my mind is that the gem is in the center of the armour, so continuing to describe the gem forces me to throw my train of thought in reverse, even if just for a moment. If you take greater care to make sure your sentences and topics flow into each other it will make your stories far easier to read.

I dunno, just some thoughts. Take my suggestions as you will and don't be too hard on yourself. I'm here to help you improve. Just keep practicing and ask fellow writers for suggestions! I look forward to seeing more from you in the future! :)


Edited by Kakaru, Jun 30 2012 - 09:37 PM.

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「どこに行けばいいんだ・・・」「タ・コロ村はもうおしまいだ・・・」タ・コロ村の村人達


#3 Offline darkslizer

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Posted Jul 01 2012 - 09:04 AM

First thoughts: An interesting idea left with a cliffhanger. Karzahni's backstory and his past self.I'm disappointed that this was so short. I felt like this should have been the full tale of Karzahni's descent to madness, the way you started the story with Karzahni being imprisoned and reflecting on how much he wanted to kill Lesovikk. Instead you started off with a slow though mildly-choppy idea (more on this in a bit) that Karzahni has begun to feel dissatisfied with his current location and occupation. From there you speed things up to a summary of a string of events that ends with Karzahni imprisoning Tren Krom, which doesn't tie into the idea that started this off: that he's reflecting on how he ended up chained to the rock and how much he wants to destroy Lesovikk. I feel like you could have added a lot more detail into the characters involved and how the deal was made. (Add some dialogue, some descriptions of their settings, some context and emotion to their exchange and this could be fantastic!) Bring the story full circle, include the confrontation with Lesovikk, the fight, and the conclusion. For added dramatic effect, finish it off with Karzahni imprisoned and discovering how to make a fish go mad for the first time.About the choppy writing: I understand the short, piece-by-piece, sentence-fragment style but it should be used for emphasis and not as the primary method of bringing your story alive. It loses all its meaning if done too often. Case in point:

He didn't find anything suitable here. So he moved on. In another room, a dark, ancient one. He saw a chest plate in the room with a small opal-like gem in the center. Yet the gem was a dark stone, like it had an entire night sky in its tiny surface.

If you were trying to make this appear as his thoughts or another real-world event that would cause information to be broken up into small segments (a strobe light, flashes of lightning, fits of insanity, etc) then this works well, but in context it's merely him wandering from room to room searching for something to spice up his lab.

He didn't find anything suitable here so he moved on to another room; a dark, ancient one. He saw a chest plate in the room with a small opal-like gem in the center, like an opal. Yet the gem was a dark stone, like it had an entire night sky in its tiny surface.

That sort of thing. Make complete sentences with subjects, and make sure if you put a bit in that's supposed to clarify something from the previous sentence (yet) it flows with the idea expressed last. Here I take yet to mean there was something about the gem that wasn't quite like an opal, as suggested. When worded the other way around, the last idea in my mind is that the gem is in the center of the armour, so continuing to describe the gem forces me to throw my train of thought in reverse, even if just for a moment. If you take greater care to make sure your sentences and topics flow into each other it will make your stories far easier to read.

I dunno, just some thoughts. Take my suggestions as you will and don't be too hard on yourself. I'm here to help you improve. Just keep practicing and ask fellow writers for suggestions! I look forward to seeing more from you in the future! :)

Yeah, I know that I didn't spend a ton of time on this, mostly because I was only allowed an hour on the computer and I had used up half of it already, I'm planning to edit it later, when I have more time to think.August 11: Don't know if this makes a difference or not, but I am done editing everything in Madman in Chains, so reviewing is now ok. Also, I am beginning an epic some time soon, so watch out for it.

Edited by darkslizer, Aug 11 2012 - 10:06 AM.

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The_Brotherhood_of_Makuta_by_Arzeron.jpg

 

Comply.                Create.                  Consume.

 





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