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Them

Disturbing Edger Allen Poe First-Person

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#1 Offline Athmos

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Posted Jul 02 2012 - 07:08 PM

Author's Note(s): Pie here. Or Cinnamon Grochi. Whatever. What you are looking at right now is a SS inspired by Edger Allen Poe's writings and poems, reviewed by my good friend D.A.V.E. and was formed in the morbid and creative mess known as "my mind." It is slightly disturbing and creepy. I am pretty sure this does not break BZP rules, but nevertheless, I rate this PG-13. Have fun on the dark side.

 

THEM

 

 

 It’s so sad when They are not there.

 

 Makes me very upset, oh yes it does.

 

 I stumble and run on my hands and feet, slowly though; it hurts to go, oh, so fast. I remember streets and buildings, yes I do, but none of it interests me. I only look for Them.

 

 These days it’s hard to find Them. There is little of Them left in the city, this city of New Atero.

 

 Oh, but this excites me. A small building, with empty armor laying around. They were here. All gone now. Oh, so sad.

 

 Wait, I smell one. It’s hiding. They always do. When you find Them they run and scream and make noise, and soon everyone wants a part of Them. It’s sad. I want Them for myself. I’m always so hungry, but everyone else is hungry too. Some hurt me in the fight to get Them.

 

 I stumble into the shop, on my two feet this time. Two feet are slow, but have more balance, I think. I stumble and bump around the building as the smell gets stronger. I can almost taste It. It is so sweet, so close. My mouth is wet with saliva as I near a door and open it.

 

 Sometimes They are good at hiding. Others good at running. Some good at fighting. This one smells of fear and terror. Why are They always so scared of us? All we want is to stop the hunger. I’m sure They would understand, given the chance.

 

 I move inside the room, as I sniff the air for It. I hear it shaking in a cabinet. It sounds like it is crying, praying, whispering. I move closer. I open a cabinet. Wrong one. I smile hungrily and move to the other one. The correct one.I open the cabinet and see It. It screams loudly. That’s no good. I grab It and grin, showing it my teeth I made. It screams for a few minutes and then it’s silent.

 

************************************************

 

Oh, that was filling. They always do that afterwards.

 

 I am happy. That was a fleshy one. Not one of those Protodermis ones. Those ones are nasty. But They still hurt us, so we must hurt Them. I leave the building and stumble through the city some more. I don’t care what I do or where I go now, just as long as I stay full.

 

 A noise reaches my ears. Explosions, fighting, clanking. They are out hurting us. I get down on my hands and feet, running through the streets. I started slowly, though, yes, slowly, then starting going faster. I round a corner and hide behind a fallen stature. It was a Toa I think, the statue. I don’t care. I was growing hungry again.

 

 I hear Them screaming and shouting. They are falling back. They try this every so often, to kill us all and take back the city, but it doesn’t work. It has never worked.

 

 I see one of Them. Its green armor is like a case around the food inside. I run towards It, and it flees, after shooting at me with some spiky ball. It didn’t hit me, I move too fast for it to hit me.

 

 It went inside a building and shut the door. I can’t open it. So I climb onto the roof.

 

 Skylight. An easy entrance. I crawl over to it and look it. I see It sitting in a corner. It looks sad and scared.

 

 I don’t care. I’m hungry again.With a growl, I leap through the skylight into the building. I can only think about how It will taste.....“Wha-Kiina! It’s Gresh! Don’t do thi-”....And It tastes good.


Edited by Athmos, May 28 2014 - 04:29 PM.

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#2 Offline L'Etranger

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Posted Jul 02 2012 - 07:22 PM

I think Gresh is going to be attacked in a way very different than Kiina's hug in Legend Reborn. :PThis story is perhaps the pinnacle of your work. It dances on the line between description and viewer's imagination, giving brief snippets of narration through Kiina's twisted, animalistic mind, and then goes back into describing how she feels.I had great fun reading the first three or four lines, and imaging the city of New Atero turned into a gigantic nightmare, where your friends are trying to eat you, and you can't stop. Good concept for an RPG.This, simply, is what I love to see in a mental horror story. Great job, simply great. There's nothing here that I see could be made better. Congrats on writing such a beautiful( and terrifing) piece of literature.I beg you, keep on writing.
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emCiGiR.jpg


#3 Offline Athmos

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Posted Jul 02 2012 - 07:32 PM

I think Gresh is going to be attacked in a way very different than Kiina's hug in Legend Reborn. :PThis story is perhaps the pinnacle of your work. It dances on the line between description and viewer's imagination, giving brief snippets of narration through Kiina's twisted, animalistic mind, and then goes back into describing how she feels.I had great fun reading the first three or four lines, and imaging the city of New Atero turned into a gigantic nightmare, where your friends are trying to eat you, and you can't stop. Good concept for an RPG.This, simply, is what I love to see in a mental horror story. Great job, simply great. There's nothing here that I see could be made better. Congrats on writing such a beautiful( and terrifing) piece of literature.I beg you, keep on writing.

http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/withstupid.gif Seriously, though, thanks! I didn't watch TLR. I never made it past Web of Shadows. Heh, thanks! If this is my pinnacle, does that mean I'm all used up? D: When writing this, I kept thinking of I Am Legend with how trashed New York City was. Yes, yes that wold be an awesome RPG. Again, thanks! I'll keep on writing, as long as I don't suffer brain damage or die or lose my hands and my feet and nose and anything else that I could write with!

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#4 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jul 02 2012 - 09:48 PM

What? I don't get this. Is this Kiina on some cannibalistic attack spree? I'm not sure why Kiina would go crazy like this, and the ambiguous terms don't help. I guess it's having to do with Bara Magnan poverty and Kiina stealing live crabs and doughnuts to stay alive. Is that it? I like doughnuts, and if Gresh is opposed to her eating doughnuts, then he has got some serious problems right there. :)Nice idea, but a little less ambiguity would be nice.
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#5 Offline Athmos

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Posted Jul 02 2012 - 09:54 PM

What? I don't get this. Is this Kiina on some cannibalistic attack spree?I'm not sure why Kiina would go crazy like this, and the ambiguous terms don't help. I guess it's having to do with Bara Magnan poverty and Kiina stealing live crabs and doughnuts to stay alive. Is that it? I like doughnuts, and if Gresh is opposed to her eating doughnuts, then he has got some serious problems right there. :)Nice idea, but a little less ambiguity would be nice.

No. Yes. No. Maybe. Okay, to put it bluntly, I went and had a zombie spree on Netflix. Then I went and logged on BZPower. Not a good mix. :( There will be a background story to this(hopefully) and that will explain ALL. It is on Spheus Magnan, in the city of New Atero, the city build after the reformation. I don't know if they have doughnuts. I should hope so. But not any of those crazy disgusting doughnuts. Just normal ones. I'm pretty sure Gresh likes Breakfast tacos. :P Thanks for your review.

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#6 Offline BioGio

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Posted Jul 02 2012 - 10:01 PM

I don't think that you've got any problem with ambiguity, although that little snippet of dialogue at the end would work better in a medium like film, since here it feels kind of out of place. I don't know exactly how to articulate my issue, though, so that probably means it's not too bad. This sort of horror is rather reminiscent of creepypasta: short, shocking, and emotionally effective. I don't have a very strong opinion on the quality of the style, but it may be divisive. I liked your story, nevertheless. It's a good idea, and you execute it well.Grammar and style-wise, you're pretty good. There's one time when you don't capitalize "it" before the first break. Also, "It's green armor" should read "Its green armor."

showing my teeth I made

I'm not sure what to make of this phrase. Doesn't Kiina already have teeth?~ BioGio

Edited by BioGio, Jul 02 2012 - 10:02 PM.

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dig


"You're a scientist? The proposal you make violates parsimony; it introduces extra unknowns without proof for them. One might as well say unicorns power it."


#7 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jul 02 2012 - 10:02 PM

There will be a background story to this(hopefully) and that will explain ALL.

Isn't that what you said when I reviewed the last one of your stories? :P Seriously, however, I'm starting to notice this as a recurring problem for you, although not as badly in the other story. If there's something on your mind, some detail that would make this clearer, give it - don't wait for the backstory to magically resolve itself in your head. Because, chances are, it won't.

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#8 Offline Parks and Rekt

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Posted Jul 02 2012 - 11:19 PM

Official SSCC Review (Too tired to come up with something truly witty to stay, Pie, I hope you'll forgive me.)First off, you switched tenses awkwardly between "Them" and "it" at certain times, like here.

I open the cabinet and see Them. It screams loudly.

Some other mistakes I noticed...

I stumble and run on my hands and feet, slowly though; it hurts to go, oh, so fast.

The comma after though should have been replaced with a semicolon: I've put in the proper punctuation mark and bolded it. I can understand why it was there, what with the simplistic thoughts that Kiina experiences as her brain devolves into whatever animalistic state it's in, but at the same time, the run on sentence really threw me off.

I round a corner and hide behind a fallen stature. It was a Toa I think, the stature. I don’t care. I was growing hungry again.

"Stature" should have been replaced with "statue."*****Now, on to the story itself. What you had was really good, and I enjoyed this story for what it was (a simplistic survival horror story told from the other side of the tale) but I feel like, without backstory, it's incomplete. What had affected Kiina's mind in this way? How did it work? Why did it affect her and not others, like Gresh? It felt rather empty at certain points because we weren't given enough to go on, and I hope that you do finish the backstory work and post it, because I'm genuinely intrigued by the idea you have here and would just like it to feel a bit more well-rounded.Now, what you truly did do a good job on was your characterization of Kiina, and this was what really clinched me on your story. The way you portrayed her thoughts as she ransacked the hiding place of the unnamed Glatorian and chased down Gresh were truly exhilarating to read, and the way you use your words to actually read as though they were her thoughts, unfiltered and twisted, is something I've used a lot in past stories, and it's a style I'm rather fond of. The way she could feel the primal fear of her targets, the way she reveled in it, was interesting - and wicked cool - to read.All in all, where this story's strong points really lie are in its minimalism when it comes to delivering thoughts and actions, the emotion that runs off Kiina's prey, and the post-apocalyptic setting in general, which I'm a sucker for when done right. I think, once you work on the backstory and give a decent explanation for why events are unfolding as they are, you could have a real winner on your hands, and I would be glad to read it when it gets finished up. Thank you for a great late-night read.-Teezy
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i'm back boy

for real

i'm that boy

for real

i got hits baby

you just a bat boy

 for real

 


#9 Offline Athmos

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Posted Jul 03 2012 - 08:46 AM

I don't think that you've got any problem with ambiguity, although that little snippet of dialogue at the end would work better in a medium like film, since here it feels kind of out of place. I don't know exactly how to articulate my issue, though, so that probably means it's not too bad. This sort of horror is rather reminiscent of creepypasta: short, shocking, and emotionally effective. I don't have a very strong opinion on the quality of the style, but it may be divisive. I liked your story, nevertheless. It's a good idea, and you execute it well.Grammar and style-wise, you're pretty good. There's one time when you don't capitalize "it" before the first break. Also, "It's green armor" should read "Its green armor."

showing my teeth I made

I'm not sure what to make of this phrase. Doesn't Kiina already have teeth?~ BioGio

Ah, I'll go fix that. Well, I see Glatorians and Agori as Human-like people. So they have teeth, yes, but not teeth required for, well, eating other people.

There will be a background story to this(hopefully) and that will explain ALL.

Isn't that what you said when I reviewed the last one of your stories? :P Seriously, however, I'm starting to notice this as a recurring problem for you, although not as badly in the other story. If there's something on your mind, some detail that would make this clearer, give it - don't wait for the backstory to magically resolve itself in your head. Because, chances are, it won't.

;-; I know you're trying not to bash me, but it hurts all the same. :P I will take your advice to heart.

Official SSCC Review (Too tired to come up with something truly witty to stay, Pie, I hope you'll forgive me.)First off, you switched tenses awkwardly between "Them" and "it" at certain times, like here.

I open the cabinet and see Them. It screams loudly.

Some other mistakes I noticed...

I stumble and run on my hands and feet, slowly though; it hurts to go, oh, so fast.

The comma after though should have been replaced with a semicolon: I've put in the proper punctuation mark and bolded it. I can understand why it was there, what with the simplistic thoughts that Kiina experiences as her brain devolves into whatever animalistic state it's in, but at the same time, the run on sentence really threw me off.

I round a corner and hide behind a fallen stature. It was a Toa I think, the stature. I don’t care. I was growing hungry again.

"Stature" should have been replaced with "statue."*****Now, on to the story itself. What you had was really good, and I enjoyed this story for what it was (a simplistic survival horror story told from the other side of the tale) but I feel like, without backstory, it's incomplete. What had affected Kiina's mind in this way? How did it work? Why did it affect her and not others, like Gresh? It felt rather empty at certain points because we weren't given enough to go on, and I hope that you do finish the backstory work and post it, because I'm genuinely intrigued by the idea you have here and would just like it to feel a bit more well-rounded.Now, what you truly did do a good job on was your characterization of Kiina, and this was what really clinched me on your story. The way you portrayed her thoughts as she ransacked the hiding place of the unnamed Glatorian and chased down Gresh were truly exhilarating to read, and the way you use your words to actually read as though they were her thoughts, unfiltered and twisted, is something I've used a lot in past stories, and it's a style I'm rather fond of. The way she could feel the primal fear of her targets, the way she reveled in it, was interesting - and wicked cool - to read.All in all, where this story's strong points really lie are in its minimalism when it comes to delivering thoughts and actions, the emotion that runs off Kiina's prey, and the post-apocalyptic setting in general, which I'm a sucker for when done right. I think, once you work on the backstory and give a decent explanation for why events are unfolding as they are, you could have a real winner on your hands, and I would be glad to read it when it gets finished up. Thank you for a great late-night read.-Teezy

Thanks for pointing out those errors of mine. They will be fixed. And thanks for the review!

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