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The Rain

A very short story

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2 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa

Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa
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Posted Jul 05 2012 - 09:16 PM

RAIN

Thunder rumbled like a first dry sob. The clouds were sodden and convex, ominous like the first frown and quiver of the eyebrows. And then it started, as always, with one drop.It plummeted from the sky, landing in the leaves of a tree. The first leaf drooped beneath its weight, passing it to the next. It depressed the next leaf and slid onto a twig, down its thin form, into the waiting hand of another leaf that passed it to the next. Finally it slipped from the tree to fall to earth.Like the leaves of the tree I gently removed the first tear from my face and regarded it. Like the first raindrop that was now being joined by a legion of its kin, this tear was only the first of many. Yet it was the most important. It was the leader, the scout who forged the path for the others that began tumbling down my face. I trembled. My chest heaved with another sob.The first tear was the emotional breakdown that finally opened the clouds and released the downpour. The sky sobbed with thunder and wept with rain, putting its cold, wet arms around my shoulders as I sat on the bench, watching the tall men with their drenched shirts clinging to their rippling muscles unlade the moving van, concealing each haul beneath a tarp.I thought of the house I had left behind, but not for long. I thought of the familiar sites in the town of my previous residence, but those, too, meant little. They were places. Even friends I had known there were not the source of my sorrow. It was the friend I had lost for whom I lamented.The best friend I had ever had. She whose eyes were more radiant than stars. She whose smile was brighter than the sun. She whose tears were more beautiful than the rain. She whose laughter had rung more dulcet than birdsong. She who had been my closest and dearest companion for longer than I could remember.And I wept. I wept over the happy memories and the memories that would never be made. I wept over the conversations we had shared years ago and so often since. I wept over the games of our youth and the courtship of recent times. I wept over the laughter, the clasped hands, the touching lips. And the sky wept with me.The clouds' tears mingled with mine until I was soaked to the skin, and still I sat there and wept bitterly for the love I could not help but wonder if I would ever see again. I did not want to give up; but was the proverb re long-distance relationships true?Suddenly the rain lightened. The thunder grew quieter. When I looked up at the sky through bleary eyes, I saw light. Sunshine glowed through an interstice in the clouds, illuminating the gray land with its rays and unfurling a rainbow across the sky.I felt it warm my whole body. It was a ray of hope suddenly casting its glow on a dreary world. Everything seemed, logically, much brighter. My heart lifted. I would see her again--because I would not give up. It was as simple as that.And I smiled. I smiled over the memories that would yet be made. I smiled in anticipation of my next exchange with her, of the laughter it would bring. I smiled with the ardor of my heart for the girl I saw behind my drawn eyelids. And the sky smiled with me. Though we were encompassed by clouds, for this moment we were blissful."Hey there, boy," called one of the movers, who ostensively had not noticed me prior, "aren't you gonna retreat? The storm's not over yet."I beamed. "No," I agreed, "it's not over yet."

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith :smilemirunu:


Edited by Nuile: The Daft Wordbender, Jul 05 2012 - 09:17 PM.

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#2 Offline Velox

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Posted Jan 31 2013 - 01:24 AM

SSCC Charity Review I have to say, I really enjoyed this, especially the very beginning. Some very vivid descriptions. But more on that later; first, a couple nitpicks: 
Finally it slipped from the tree to fall to earth.
 I'd just make that "to the earth" 
And I wept.
 "And so I wept." perhaps? 
but was the proverb re long-distance relationships true?
 I'd replace "re" with "about", personally.   
When I looked up at the sky through bleary eyes, I saw light. Sunshine glowed through an interstice in the clouds, illuminating the gray land with its rays and unfurling a rainbow across the sky.
 This just seemed too sudden...I like the first sentence, but then with the second it seems like the rain/clouds are completely gone. I think it'd be better to add something like "a small ray of light peeked through the clouds."  And on that note, that was really the one thing I didn't like about this. Perhaps it's just my personal preference and like for dark stories, but I felt like this just turned around too quickly. One moment things are extremely depressing (and awesomely written, by the way) and pouring rain, and the next it's sunny and he's happy. That being said, once I got over the jarring switch, the rest was written very well, and the ending was fantastic. So I think it'd be best if you could just find a way to smooth that over more; going to what I said earlier about a "small bit of light" you could tie that in more -- "a small ray of hope" that strengthens his resolve. Because as much as I love dark, depressing stories, stories of hope are also very enjoyable, and having both here is awesome -- I just think it could be smoothed out a little.  As I mentioned earlier, one of the strong points of this is definitely the descriptions. I really, really liked the beginning of this. It was slow, sure, and some might say it was too much, but personally I liked it. I could just see everything that happened -- one drop to the next. And of course tying it in to his feelings. Sure, it's been done before -- a lot -- but I thought it worked well here, so I don't think there's any problem with that. And as I said, I liked the storyline in general -- the sense of depression moving to a sense of hope. Interesting and fun things to write and read about.  So yeah. I really don't have anything else to say; this was a short, well-written story that focused on emotions and descriptions. I definitely look forward to reading more by you, particularly your newly published The Second Death. Keep writing, Nuile (not that you need me to tell you that for you to do so -- I know you will)!Posted Image

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#3 Offline SkyLandOceAnna

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Posted Jan 31 2013 - 10:18 AM

You did real well with your descriptions. I saw a clear picture of the scene and the events that occurred throughout the story and I enjoyed how you led the scene up to what the story was really about. Thank you!


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