We are Metru: Review Topic

[CeeCee]

So this is my first in a hopefully large series of Novels. Its no way near finished yet but I think what I have done is a good representation of my writing skills(hopefully a good one). It is non Cannon but uses a lot of Characters from the original one. Its basically a re-write but I mean no offence to GregF in this so please dont take it the wrong way.I appoligse for any Grammar and spelling mistakes. I think I got them all but Im not surehttp://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=5868

Edited July 12, 2012 by SamH1995

[Ballom Nom Nom]

First of all, you may want to PM Hahli Husky to change the name of the Epic topic to "We are Metru," as that appears to be the work's title, rather than "Chapter 1." But, to get back to the Epic, I thought I'd go over a brief review of the first chapter, as there appear to be widespread errors in grammar and word misuse. For instance, the official storyline is the canon, not cannon. Also, regular nouns don't need to be capitalized, like you would periodically do for words such as novels in this topic's opening post. Anyway, to more specific corrections.

The Matoran were always told that light concurred shadow.

Conquered, not concurred, as the latter means to agree.

He, like many Ko Matoran, loved to look to the future.

Should be Ko-Matoran, as the elemental prefixes are attached to the main word by a comma. Similarly it's Ko-Metru, also with a hyphen. And, of course, the same applies for other Matoran and Metru.

"Onu Matorans would call that denial" he thought to himself.

The plural of Matoran is also Matoran, not Matorans. Also, a comma should always go before an ending quotation mark.

The stars gazed at Nuju , he smiled at them, but they only frowned back.

The sudden shift in personification of the stars is a little jarring. Maybe removing one of the lines of personification would help?

He looked at the brightest star on the sky, Toa Lihkans.

The name is spelled Lhikan, and it should have an apostrophe before the s, to indicate possession. Various other instances of this occur in the Epic, and should be fixed as well.

"Heros never truly die Nuju" He would say.

When someone is addressed by name like that, it should be separated from the sentence by a comma.

As Nuju gazed at the millions of eyes of great heros looking back at him, he wondered, if he would ever have a star. A movement in the snowy top forests interrupted him from his thoughts. A normal Matoran would not have seen this but Nuju did. When Nuju was first made, he very poor eye sight. He could barley see anything but except a fuzzy blur of all their shapes.

The words are spelled heroes and eyesight. Second, although barley is a word, what you were looking for in this context was barely.

A few hours later the red Matoran had come out with a telescopic scope. No way near as big as the ones on the telescopes he had at home.

The second sentence is a fragment, and should be merged with the first. Also, in such a context, the words "no way near as big" seem to be much more colloquial than the tone of the rest of the Epic, so perhaps you could substitute a phrase like "much smaller than."

"Here, put this one one of your eyes". He said.

Punctuation like that first period should be inside quotation marks, not outside. However, it should be a comma in this case, as it's all part of the same sentence. Also, he shouldn't be captialized, as it's part of the sentence with dialog.

Vakama awoke. Groggily helifted his head. He looked at the clock. 6 strokes past Mid-day.

Helifted should be separated into two words. Also, I suggest combining the short telegraphic sentences you like to use into longer ones, such as "Vakama awoke, groggily lifting his head." In addition, numbers starting sentences are generally spelled out.

The dark red matron stood in the door way of the smelting pit, leaning against the side of the door frame.

Doorway is one word, and matron should probably be Matoran, as I don't think Nuhrii is a motherly woman.

Not that Vakama minded of course, although sometimes he thought that Nuhrii was putting himself down to much because of his fanboyism.

Fanboyism is another example of a word used in casual conversation that probably shouldn't make it into a more serious written work. Hero-worship would serve as a better word.

Turaga Dume stepped in with a Matoran with no Kanohi.

A small note about this: in the actual storyline, Matoran will weaken and be comatose without Kanohi, much less being capable of animated conversation.These grammatical errors, although I've pointed out many of the rules to follow, would be largely corrected by a word-processing software's spelling and grammar check. I would highly recommend using such a device in the future.Anyway, in regard to the actual plot of the first chapter, little enough happened, but the interactions of the Matoran were written reasonably well. It would have been a little more interesting, however, if Nuju's premonitions were explained, rather than him inexplicably having such pessimistic view about the fate of the Matoran.~B~ Edited July 12, 2012 by Ballom

[CeeCee]

First of all, you may want to PM Hahli Husky to change the name of the Epic topic to "We are Metru," as that appears to be the work's title, rather than "Chapter 1." But, to get back to the Epic, I thought I'd go over a brief review of the first chapter, as there appear to be widespread errors in grammar and word misuse. For instance, the official storyline is the canon, not cannon. Also, regular nouns don't need to be capitalized, like you would periodically do for words such as novels in this topic's opening post. Anyway, to more specific corrections.

The Matoran were always told that light concurred shadow.

Conquered, not concurred, as the latter means to agree.

He, like many Ko Matoran, loved to look to the future.

Should be Ko-Matoran, as the elemental prefixes are attached to the main word by a comma. Similarly it's Ko-Metru, also with a hyphen. And, of course, the same applies for other Matoran and Metru.

"Onu Matorans would call that denial" he thought to himself.

The plural of Matoran is also Matoran, not Matorans. Also, a comma should always go before an ending quotation mark.

The stars gazed at Nuju , he smiled at them, but they only frowned back.

The sudden shift in personification of the stars is a little jarring. Maybe removing one of the lines of personification would help?

He looked at the brightest star on the sky, Toa Lihkans.

The name is spelled Lhikan, and it should have an apostrophe before the s, to indicate possession. Various other instances of this occur in the Epic, and should be fixed as well.

"Heros never truly die Nuju" He would say.

When someone is addressed by name like that, it should be separated from the sentence by a comma.

As Nuju gazed at the millions of eyes of great heros looking back at him, he wondered, if he would ever have a star. A movement in the snowy top forests interrupted him from his thoughts. A normal Matoran would not have seen this but Nuju did. When Nuju was first made, he very poor eye sight. He could barley see anything but except a fuzzy blur of all their shapes.

The words are spelled heroes and eyesight. Second, although barley is a word, what you were looking for in this context was barely.

A few hours later the red Matoran had come out with a telescopic scope. No way near as big as the ones on the telescopes he had at home.

The second sentence is a fragment, and should be merged with the first. Also, in such a context, the words "no way near as big" seem to be much more colloquial than the tone of the rest of the Epic, so perhaps you could substitute a phrase like "much smaller than."

"Here, put this one one of your eyes". He said.

Punctuation like that first period should be inside quotation marks, not outside. However, it should be a comma in this case, as it's all part of the same sentence. Also, he shouldn't be captialized, as it's part of the sentence with dialog.

Vakama awoke. Groggily helifted his head. He looked at the clock. 6 strokes past Mid-day.

Helifted should be separated into two words. Also, I suggest combining the short telegraphic sentences you like to use into longer ones, such as "Vakama awoke, groggily lifting his head." In addition, numbers starting sentences are generally spelled out.

The dark red matron stood in the door way of the smelting pit, leaning against the side of the door frame.

Doorway is one word, and matron should probably be Matoran, as I don't think Nuhrii is a motherly woman.

Not that Vakama minded of course, although sometimes he thought that Nuhrii was putting himself down to much because of his fanboyism.

Fanboyism is another example of a word used in casual conversation that probably shouldn't make it into a more serious written work. Hero-worship would serve as a better word.

Turaga Dume stepped in with a Matoran with no Kanohi.

A small note about this: in the actual storyline, Matoran will weaken and be comatose without Kanohi, much less being capable of animated conversation.These grammatical errors, although I've pointed out many of the rules to follow, would be largely corrected by a word-processing software's spelling and grammar check. I would highly recommend using such a device in the future.Anyway, in regard to the actual plot of the first chapter, little enough happened, but the interactions of the Matoran were written reasonably well. It would have been a little more interesting, however, if Nuju's premonitions were explained, rather than him inexplicably having such pessimistic view about the fate of the Matoran.~B~

Yeh sorry. Im really tired so the grammatical errors will be plentiful. I will do the prefix hyphen hing, thanks for that. Nuju didnt really have a premonition. He just read the stars. He didnt get any more info on the matter than we did. Also I dont think there are a lot of books that star of with ACTION, ACTION, ACTION! It will get a lot more plentiful in the action but its main focus is the characters rather than fight scenes. I actually find fight scenes rather boring on books.

[Aderia]

Hey, I saw your rewrite of this story floating around. And can I suggest one thing? To avoid confusion between the different story and review topics, PM a moderator, Hahli Husky probably, and ask them to close this old review topic and the old story topic. I had to do the same thing with one of my epics a while back

[CeeCee]

Hey, I saw your rewrite of this story floating around. And can I suggest one thing? To avoid confusion between the different story and review topics, PM a moderator, Hahli Husky probably, and ask them to close this old review topic and the old story topic. I had to do the same thing with one of my epics a while back

Sure thing, I will do that now. I dont want things to be confusing. Thanks for letting me know.

[Hahli Husky]

Closed per author's request.