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The Voyage of Awesome

Starring Captain Tronameg

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#1 Offline Agnes Oblige

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Posted Jul 16 2012 - 08:07 PM

iBrow Productions Presents...“Avast, me hearties! We be sailin’ through the seven seas from dusk til dawn!” a voice boomed, a commanding tone in its sound. “I be toleratin’ no complaints from any o’ you!”It was a sturdy oaken ship, each and every miniscule detail beautifully carved to create the grandest ship that one might ever set eyes on. This was aided by the immense awe factor that inevitably came whenever the random everyday people on the street realized that the ship was sailing through the air.“Captain, we’re in the middle of the air!” a second voice protested. “How are we supposed to sail the seven seas in a flying ship?”“Scallywag, you be questionin’ the wisdom of the mighty pirate Captain Tronameg!” the first voice yelled back. “Matey, since Cap’n Jack Sparrow there have been no captains such as I on the seas or in the skies!”“That didn’t really answer my question, Captain.”“We be in a pirate ship, matey. Wouldn’t be a pirate ship if she couldn’t set sail to the seas! Now shut that trap and back to the riggins’ with ya!”Captain Tronameg smacked the sailor with the hand that wasn’t clutching a bottle of the finest rum in the south, sending the unfortunate soul spiralling into a pile of carefully balanced barrels. The Captain turned around and began to whistle as he strolled back to the wheel of the ship, ignoring the sounds of the barrels crashing around on the deck.Tronameg was a devilishly handsome Po-Matoran, with sleek armour of burnt orange, sand brown and gunmetal colouring. His arms and legs were muscular, and he had a clearly visible six pack of abdominal muscles that had never failed to either attract a Ga-Matoran or activate their eternal fury. He wore a Kakama shaped Kanohi on his head, and on top of that either a fedora (for the fancy dinners) or a tricorne (for instances like right now, while he was on the ship).If Matoran Vogue were to create a list of the most physically perfect beings in the entire universe (and all other universes), Captain Tronameg would be the only one to be on the list – and indeed, it had already happened three times. If they were to create a list of the most mentally perfect beings in the entire universe, Tronameg would be average.But that’s irrelevant, because fashion magazines don’t like ugly, nerdy and super smart people.THE VOYAGE OF AWESOMEStarring Captain Tronameg“Where be my first mate, arr? Mopitus Mirep, I be summonin’ you!” Tronameg shouted across the deck.“I’m right behind you, Captain.” The aforementioned Mopitus Mirep responded in a bored voice.“And right ugly you be, too. I be suggestin’ you go get a makeover, matey.” Tronameg told him. “Anywho, what be the status of Plan 71-B at the current time?”“Testing is ongoing on the lava eels right now Captain. We should have results in the next few hours.”“That be right in the navy, it is. Alright mateys, hoist the sails and extend the planks! We be droppin’ someone below for punishment today, arr!”All over the ship the shipmates burst into cheering and applause, ignoring their duties. The ship immediately tipped and began to spiral towards the ground, prompting the halting of such fun actions and the resuming of tedious duties.“Not to worry, mateys! We be nearin’ the end ter this voyage any time now! Jus’ hold your lil’ beetles an’ we’ll be right fine and dandy!”So they did.To Be Continued!I hope you enjoyed, and please stay tuned!-ibrowPosted Image
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CHAPTER 8

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At the end of the game, Sumiki reveals his master plan.


#2 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Jul 19 2012 - 09:31 AM

No one has posted here yet? :blink:Anyway, I enjoyed this first chapter of your new comedy. I like that you added pirate talk to the dialogue of the characters. The fact that the ship is flying through the air instead of the sea is an interesting concept, and I like that you showed that if the crew doesn't do their jobs, they'll fall to their deaths. :PThe one little nitnick I have is the Plan 71-B thing, with the Lava Eels and the tests on them. The dialogue about it kind of feels out of place in this kind of comedy to me. But that is just my opinion. It still sounds interesting though.The only grammar mistake I found was that Lava Eels should be capitalized.Overall, I think this is a good start for your new comedy, and I'm very interested to see where it goes.
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#3 Offline Agnes Oblige

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Posted Jul 19 2012 - 09:37 AM

No one has posted here yet? :blink:Anyway, I enjoyed this first chapter of your new comedy. I like that you added pirate talk to the dialogue of the characters. The fact that the ship is flying through the air instead of the sea is an interesting concept, and I like that you showed that if the crew doesn't do their jobs, they'll fall to their deaths. :PThe one little nitnick I have is the Plan 71-B thing, with the Lava Eels and the tests on them. The dialogue about it kind of feels out of place in this kind of comedy to me. But that is just my opinion. It still sounds interesting though.The only grammar mistake I found was that Lava Eels should be capitalized.Overall, I think this is a good start for your new comedy, and I'm very interested to see where it goes.

I know, right? One of the recent very popular characters from a comedy gets his own show and nobody seems to like it. =P Regardless, that said, this is a side-comedy, so that plan thing is one of two plots going on- the other will begin in Chapter 2.I shall correct that error now. -ibrowPosted Image

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CHAPTER 8

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At the end of the game, Sumiki reveals his master plan.


#4 Offline Fabulous Sunshine

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Posted Jul 23 2012 - 04:32 AM

Well boss, time to give you your ordered review from the Comedies Critics Club.Spelling and Grammar:Well, time to criticise your spelling and grammar, the part of a story which I always pay attention to the most. Upon using a spell-checker, a grammar-checker and reading the entire thing out loud while my parents stared at me with a strange expression on their faces, I must admit that your story is, unless there are some obscure grammatical laws somewhere that I do not know, basically error-free when dealing with the mechanics of writing and the like, making it pretty hard for me to actually criticise anything.I'm tempted to give you a hundred percent for this, but due to the fact that there may be errors I do not know of, I'll give you 98%.Sorry boss, no higher.Humour:From the prologue, it seems as if most of the humour present comes from the strange conversations between Tronameg and his crew-men, along with the rather lemon-y description of our wonderfully glorious main character. The narrator seems to be a rather good source of humour, and its random comments about how fashion magazines dislike ugly, nerdy or super intelligent people made me me smile when I first read it.Of course, this is a prologue, so we are rather lacking in humour as of this moment, due to the short length, so it is understandable with the lack of amusing scenes and the like. This means I must ... dock your score.Actually, I'm joking. I'm giving you 92%.Plot:Non-existent, automatic 100%.Due to this being a prologue, we haven't actually seen much of a plot. Yet from my rather fabulous knowledge of fiction, I can infer that this story will obviously be about the voyages of Captain Tronameg and his crew, as they journey the world on a flying pirate ship. They will make allies, enemies, annoy people and find treasure. It will probably contain the very essence of a novel about pirates, only with greater humour.While set in the BIONICLE universe.So it seems you will be trying out a decently-made formula, and probably put your own spin on things like always.Have a 95% for plot!Overall:As the story has not really progressed much further than the prologue as of this review, the current scores I have given you may not apply throughout the rest of the story. Yet it has made a somewhat large impact on me, and I hope you will consider to write with the same quality throughout the rest of the story.(98+92+95)/3 = 95%
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#5 Offline Agnes Oblige

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Posted Jul 23 2012 - 10:56 AM

Thank you for the review. I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)Unfortunately, Chapter 2 may be delayed for some time due to my losing the computer I do work on. XP, 10 year old computer, and sucky keyboard are a terrible combination for writing.-ibrow
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CHAPTER 8

book_1_logo_super_small.jpg

 

At the end of the game, Sumiki reveals his master plan.


#6 Offline fishers64

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Posted Aug 18 2012 - 05:10 PM

But that’s irrelevant, because fashion magazines don’t like ugly, nerdy and super smart people.

The narrator of this story is unquestionably nerdy, ugly, and super smart. This statement is not referring to the author.And lava eels on a wooden ship sounds like a delicious recipe for disaster. I like the skillful incorporation of piratical dialogue.And now I will stop making random statements.

XP, 10 year old computer, and sucky keyboard are a terrible combination for writing.

And I thought I had computer problems.

Edited by fishers64, Aug 18 2012 - 05:12 PM.

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#7 Offline Agnes Oblige

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Posted Aug 26 2012 - 10:47 AM

iBrow Productions Presents...The beautifully toned and muscled form of the Po-Matoran known as Captain Tronameg became visible as he kicked the oaken door to his quarters open, swaggering out with an air of confidence only he could bring to an area. One of the ship’s mates, listening to Sexy and I Know It, immediately fainted and was dumped overboard.“Well me hearties, we be settin’ the anchor in just a few seconds!” the Captain said. “We be settin’ down in Lake Makuro for a cup o’ coffee and some observatin’!”“Observating?” a Toa of Air responded, halting in his mopping of the deck. “Captain, I’m not sure that’s actually a real word.”“Who be the cap’n here matey?” Tronameg asked, drawing his sword and hopping over, standing on his tiptoes to stare the Toa in the face.“You’re the Captain of course. I meant no offense. It’s only that those who wish to see proper grammar would like to see real words.” The Toa said.“They ain’t seeing anythin’, matey. I be speakin’ my words, not writing them.”“Aye Captain, I suppose so. But what of the critics on BZPower, when they inevitably see this?” the Toa asked. “Also... ‘ain’t’ isn’t a word.”“I know ‘ain’t’ ain’t a word, mate!” Tronameg yelled. “Arr, if I be catchin’ you breakin’ the fourth wall anymore you’ll be findin’ yourself walkin’ the plank!”“Yes Captain. My most sincere of apologies to you.”“I be no stranger to sarcasm, son. Mirep! Mirep! Where be Mopitus Mirep? I be needin’ my first mate!” Tronameg called.“Right behind you again, Captain- not to worry.” Mirep replied.“Arr, I be not worryin’ about you, Mirep. You be too ugly to worry about.” Tronameg chuckled. “What be this Toa’s name?”“Just a second, Captain. I’ll check the list....” Mirep trailed off, his finger brushing his clipboard as he checked the list of those on-deck. “Crew Man Aiolos?”“Ready and waiting, your honour.” The Toa said.“Aiolos, eh?” Tronameg frowned. “You be stoppin’ that sarcasm, or I be stoppin’ it for you. I’ll throw you off the plank meself, arr.”“I’m a Toa of Air... I think making me walk the plank would do very little.” Aiolos said.“Toa of Air, Toa of Poop, I don’t care what you be, but on my ship you be followin’ my orders.” Tronameg told him. “And that be includin’ whether you can live, breathe, or use those goofy powers matey.”“Yes Captain. I will totally follow those orders.”Chapter 1 – HAS3RDStarring Captain Tronameg Captain Tronameg was standing beside Mopitus Mirep, as far away as possible while it could still be considered close.The two Matoran were standing within a room underneath the ship’s decks that didn’t look like it belonged within the confines of an oaken ship sailing the air and the seas. The walls were a brilliant blue-green hue that seemed to shimmer in the light, making it appear that the entire room was underwater. Four tables took up half of the space in the room, and on top of these tables sat large horizontal vials filled to the brim with a rainbow liquid.“Brilliant they be...” Tronameg whispered.The Captain was referring to, of course, the constantly shifting hues and tones of the rainbow liquid, which had been engineered from the brain fluids of seventeen different species of monkeys and the eyeball jelly of a woolly mammoth collected over the course of one thousand years.“Captain, would you mind reminding me why we need four vials?” Mirep asked. “We’ve already determined that one would be enough to create a rainbow nuke large enough to take out three cities.”“Well matey, I wouldn’t say that they be vials.” Tronameg replied. “Vials be underestimatin’ their size mate. I be callin’ them more like... jars. Second, we be needin’ four to experiment. I be needin’ to make sure this will take care of the right thing matey.”“Captain, you haven’t even told me what that right thing is.” Mirep sighed. “I signed on to fight aliens on your crew, or blow stuff up.”“This be blowin’ stuff up alright.” Tronameg told him. “Plus, it be meant for the pet stores all over the galaxy, matey. We be makin’ plans soon to wipe ‘em all out.”“How does this formula actually help with that, though?” Mirep asked.“Simple, matey. Arr, it mutates the animals. They be turnin’ into zombies or somethin’ with this stuff.” Tronameg said, grinning.Tronameg glanced over at Mirep, who stared back deadpan several seconds before replying.“Cut that out Captain, it makes you look rather sexy and I find that to be disturbing.”“Not quite the response I was expectin’, but whatever first matey.” Tronameg shrugged, cutting the grin off. “I can’t help how perfect my body be, especially compared to yours. But that’s fine.”The Captain turned around and began to climb the ladder back to the deck, not looking back. He shoved open the trap door and launched out with ease, climbing onto a barrel and vaulting himself up to the ship’s wheel via the rails.Meanwhile, down below in the lab, Mopitus Mirep watched as the Captain exited and the trap door slammed back down with a thud. A clearly evil look appeared on the Matoran’s face as he turned back to face the jars full of the experiment.“Some villain you are, Captain.” He scoffed. “Soon you’re going to discover that all these years as you put your stupid plan into action, I’ve been manipulating you from behind to put into action my own plan- the destruction of all light!”Mirep burst into a fit of evil, maniacal cackles for several moments before he was able to continue.“But of course, there is a reason every villain has failed to eliminate light before me...” he said to himself. “It is because whatever they do is always reversible. But zombies are fictional, are they not? And even in fiction you can’t stop them. I’ll turn every hero into a zombie, and then they’ll all be finished!”Mirep fell silent, and this time he did not speak again as he stared into the contents of one of the jars with an unrelenting stare.“Ahem.”The First Mate turned around, rolling his eyes, to face the Onu-Matoran standing in the corner.“What is it?”“Have you finished the monologue, or should I continue rolling the tape? My camera is running out of batteries, so I’m gonna need to change them soon.”“Oh yeah, sorry about that. Yes, I’m finished with the monologue. You can go change the batteries.”The Onu-Matoran nodded and stepped back into the hidden compartment within the wall, vanishing from sight a moment later.To Be Continued in Chapter 2!

Edited by Voltex, Aug 30 2012 - 05:07 PM.

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CHAPTER 8

book_1_logo_super_small.jpg

 

At the end of the game, Sumiki reveals his master plan.


#8 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Aug 30 2012 - 01:03 PM

0“Simple, matey. Arr, it mutates the animals.

I don't think that '0' is suppose to be there. It looks out of place.Anyway, I enjoyed your latest chapter of your story. Mopitus Mirep's plan seems like an evil one. But I have a feeling it was backfire on him. Also, I wonder how Tronameg will react when he realizes he's being tricked. I bet he'll throw Mirep overboard like he did to that mate in the beginning of the chapter. :P Keep up the good work! :)

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#9 Offline fishers64

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Posted Aug 30 2012 - 01:39 PM

0ďSimple, matey. Arr, it mutates the animals.

I don't think that '0' is suppose to be there. It looks out of place.Anyway, I enjoyed your latest chapter of your story. Mopitus Mirep's plan seems like an evil one. But I have a feeling it was backfire on him. Also, I wonder how Tronameg will react when he realizes he's being tricked. I bet he'll throw Mirep overboard like he did to that mate in the beginning of the chapter. :P Keep up the good work! :)

No, this is kind of a spin off of the How to be Hero Chapter in which he was featured. Mirep was alive and well in the beginning of that chapter.Anyway, I note that the plot of the comedy is dragging slightly to avoid coming up to the events in said chapter, and while it was nice to see some characterization on Tromeneg and Mirep, nothing really important happens. Mirep however, doesn't seem to know what he's doing - well he tells His captain that he wants to fight aliens and blow stuff up, except I don't think "aliens" exactly the right word, because there don't seem to be any in either Bionicle or HF, so why he used that word is confusing at best.Revealing Mirep does allow for some dramatic irony, though...I would encourage you to use that.

"Are you finished the monologue, or should I continue rolling the tape? My camera is running out of batteries, so Iím gonna need to change them soon.""Oh yeah, sorry about that. Yes, Iím finished the monologue. You can go change the batteries."

It should be:

"Have you finished the monologue, or should I continue rolling the tape? My camera is running out of batteries, so Iím gonna need to change them soon.""Oh yeah, sorry about that. Yes, Iím finished with the monologue. You can go change the batteries."

That's my favorite quote out of the chapter, too. :)

Edited by fishers64, Aug 30 2012 - 01:41 PM.

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#10 Offline Agnes Oblige

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Posted Aug 30 2012 - 05:09 PM

0“Simple, matey. Arr, it mutates the animals.

I don't think that '0' is suppose to be there. It looks out of place.Anyway, I enjoyed your latest chapter of your story. Mopitus Mirep's plan seems like an evil one. But I have a feeling it was backfire on him. Also, I wonder how Tronameg will react when he realizes he's being tricked. I bet he'll throw Mirep overboard like he did to that mate in the beginning of the chapter. :P Keep up the good work! :)

Tronameg might discover eventually, although if he does I don't think he's going to have the chance to be thrown overboard.

0"Simple, matey. Arr, it mutates the animals.

I don't think that '0' is suppose to be there. It looks out of place.Anyway, I enjoyed your latest chapter of your story. Mopitus Mirep's plan seems like an evil one. But I have a feeling it was backfire on him. Also, I wonder how Tronameg will react when he realizes he's being tricked. I bet he'll throw Mirep overboard like he did to that mate in the beginning of the chapter. :P Keep up the good work! :)

No, this is kind of a spin off of the How to be Hero Chapter in which he was featured. Mirep was alive and well in the beginning of that chapter.Anyway, I note that the plot of the comedy is dragging slightly to avoid coming up to the events in said chapter, and while it was nice to see some characterization on Tromeneg and Mirep, nothing really important happens. Mirep however, doesn't seem to know what he's doing - well he tells His captain that he wants to fight aliens and blow stuff up, except I don't think "aliens" exactly the right word, because there don't seem to be any in either Bionicle or HF, so why he used that word is confusing at best.Revealing Mirep does allow for some dramatic irony, though...I would encourage you to use that.

"Are you finished the monologue, or should I continue rolling the tape? My camera is running out of batteries, so I'm gonna need to change them soon.""Oh yeah, sorry about that. Yes, I'm finished the monologue. You can go change the batteries."

It should be:

"Have you finished the monologue, or should I continue rolling the tape? My camera is running out of batteries, so I'm gonna need to change them soon.""Oh yeah, sorry about that. Yes, I'm finished with the monologue. You can go change the batteries."

That's my favorite quote out of the chapter, too. :)

Changes and corrections have been made- thanks to both of you for noticing them. In addition, although I might not be able to have Tronameg discover what Mirep is planning, I do have a Toa of Air that happens to be in possession of a name, and there's another important character being introduced next chapter that I could use too.

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CHAPTER 8

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At the end of the game, Sumiki reveals his master plan.





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