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The Builder Review Topic

Bohrok

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5 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Click

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Posted Jul 17 2012 - 03:54 PM

Okay, here's the review topic for my newest epic, The Builder. Feel free to leave comments and critism here.
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#2 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Jul 17 2012 - 09:20 PM

Well, this epic is off to an interesting start. I've never read a fanfic written from the point of view of a Krana-controlled victim. Really original concept you've got right there. Good job.There isn't much to the story itself so far. Still, you have a good hook and original concept, both of which are very hard to pull off. I only wish you'd told us the main character's name, but then again, that might actually make sense. After all, as a member of the Swarm, the protagonist probably doesn't need a name anymore.Spelling and grammar seem all right. It reads pretty smoothly, so good job there.I'll definitely be keeping an eye on this epic. I'm very interested in seeing what directions you'll take this story.-TNTOS-
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

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#3 Offline Toa Kayn

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Posted Jul 17 2012 - 10:52 PM

This is really good :D Nice concept.
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isjfgex.pngBZ Koro - The Movie 2 - 40% Complete (Trailer #1 90% Complete)    

 

 

                                                                                                 

 

                                                              


#4 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jun 06 2013 - 10:34 AM

I was browsing through your library when I ran across this. I would like to encourage you to finish this. Obviously, something happened to this Toa to make him lose his memory. 

 

You mentioned you had plans to remake this, so I suggest combining some of these very short chapters together. This concept doesn't deserve to sit in the dust. You can do it!


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#5 Offline Click

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Posted Jun 07 2013 - 02:17 AM

Whoa, someone read my stories! :D

 

This has really been a favorite of mine, but I just didn't like the way it was going. Such an awesome story needs to be written in a just-as-awesome way, and I just don't like this version. I'll probably start it in over the summer after I finish up Shattered and Seared.


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#6 Offline ToaDraconixMahvi

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Posted Jun 24 2013 - 02:45 PM

Good read. Finish soon please.@Fishers: when a krana latches onto its victim, the mind-blowing neural impression of all the swarms is forced into the brain of the victim. It intrudes, overwhelming the mind, basicly hypnotizing and brain washing, with mental walls placed around memories, causing the "Limbo effect", which is what I call the state of being in the seconds or moments in which the victim is trying to fight the swarms off in the mind, and almost instantly losing to the swarms, turning into a mindless drone, one of the swarm...and when the victim talks, its with the whole weird twin like thing: saying we even whe n alone to indicate own self. So that's why memory only slowly fading back. Click, hope this good idea!

Edited by ToaDraconixMahvi, Jun 24 2013 - 02:53 PM.

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