The Forbidden Library

[darkslizer]

The Keeper was one who thought more than he acted. He often thought of complicated battle plans that could win the Universe for the Brotherhood of Makuta in mere days, instead of the thousand year plan that Teridax planned. He thought and thought about everything, and it was a lot easier with access to the Library of Forbidden Knowledge. The Keeper was the protector of the labyrinth of shelves, millions of tablets with knowledge that could change a world forever. He had read every tablet in the Library, and it had taken him one thousand years. Nobody had ever stolen a tablet from the Library, and it was because The Keeper was so efficient. The fact that he almost couldn't die probably helped as well. The Keeper was a being that couldn't die, for if he did, the Forbidden Library would be unguarded, and anyone could rule a universe, even a mere Matoran. When he was created, he stood as another Makuta uttered an ancient language in front of him. The Keeper didn't understand it, but he understood what it did. He became a Unbreakable Guardian, an almost immortal being. But he could only spend his life guarding what he was assigned, and that was the Library of Forbidden Knowledge. There was only one way to kill an Unbreakable Guardian, to speak his name. Yes, it sounded easy, but no one knew his name. Only his creator did, and he never spoke, for both him and the Keeper would be killed if he did. Leaving the Library vulnerable would mean that Teridax would punish his creator with the maximum penalty; death. The Keeper suddenly heard a distant noise, like metal clinking on stone. An intruder, he thought. ****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************Toa Ragna snatched the tablet and ran as fast as she could. Where is a mask of speed when you need one? she thought. It had taken her months to hatch a plan to invade Destral, and even then it wasn't perfect. There was still that piece of rock that had tried to eat her, but she found out that it loved Visorak, so she found a few, threw them at it, and ran. She was the only Toa of Shadow that was destined to be created. While the Toa Mata were in Karda Nui fighting the Avohkah, the Order of Mata Nui said that a Toa was needed that could fight and turn the Makutas' powers back on themselves, so she became a Toa of shadow. She still didn't know why she was chosen to do this, but her powers had been effective against the Makuta. The corridor was suddenly filled with a horrible screech. It seemed that the Guardian of the Library had found her. She Launched several shadow bolts at her enemy, but she already felt the cold, blue tendrils of a Makuta's sleep power closing in on her, and she slipped gently into unconciousness. She awoke with a creature with a warped face looking down at her. His face looked almost like that of a Bohrok Va's, but much darker and more evil. "So you tried to steal a tablet," It hissed. "How very brave,""I'll never accept a compliment from the likes of you!" Ragna shouted. "Who are you anyway?""But, Toa, you are the likes of us, you are a being of Shadow. As for who I am, I am the Keeper. I guard the Library of Forbidden Knowledge, the Library which you so foolishly stole from,"Ragna felt her power returning. She could escape from the clutches of this beast very soon. "I don't suppose you know what that tablet is about?" The Keeper asked. Without waiting for an answer, he replied "Of course you don't, but I do. And this tablet will return to the Library right now."Ragna suddenly released a huge blast of Shadow right at The Keeper. She ran and ran and ran. Sure, she didn't have the tablet, but nobody would if she didn't get out of here and tell her fellow Order Members what they were facing. The Keeper was furious. But the rage quickly passed. Even if she did escape, she did not have the tablet. He sent a mental message to all the Rahkshi patrolling the fortress. Even if she escaped the Library, she wouldn't escape the island. Ragna was suddenly surrounded by silver Rahkshi. she shot Shadow bolts at a few and ran through the gap in the circle. She hid among the rocks, where the Rahkshi would eventually find her, and they would kill her. Still, if she couldn't escape, she could cause a little collateral damage. just as her first shadow bolt went flying, a Rahkshi staff jabbed at her side and she was brutally electrocuted. No no no! The Rahkshi can't kill me! I have to tell the Order w-what...t-t-tell the O-O-Order... she sent a mental message to the Order right before she breathed for the very last time.

[Janus]

I think you've got some very interesting story potential here, the whole concept of the unbreakable guardian being a really cool idea that makes sense within the BIONICLE mythos. Even the titular Forbidden Library has a lot of potential.However I feel that the story itself is actually rather rushed, you blow through the creation of the Keeper and his purpose, and then barely introduce Toa Ragna before having her killed--I didn't feel anything at her death, which is something that I don't think you'd like.To me, the death of any character is important and should be felt by the readers--however I didn't feel anything from the death of Toa Ragna. I think this could easily be fixed by expanding on her story a little and extending her interactions with the Keeper, and even with the Order.Overall it has some really cool potential, however structurally it has some flaws that I think really bring it down.-Janus