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The War of BZPower


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#1 Offline Fount

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Posted Jul 22 2012 - 12:07 AM

The War for BZPower-Prologue“WILL YOU ALL BE QUIET!” yelled Querida, slamming her hands on the wooden mahogany table. There was a loud bang and smoke rose from magefire that scorched the table. Some of the closet pyromaniacs gathered in the crowded conference room liked the smell immensely.“But I was trying to say-” began lots of other people.“Another peep out of one of you,” said Querida through gritted teeth, “And whoever it is spends the rest of his life as a snake!”Most of the people immediately went quiet, although there were a few mumbles of how much a relief might being a snake be. A glare from Querida was enough to shut them up.Querida possessed what you might call an aura of menace. Although she was small, wrinkled, greenish and from another world, she was a force to be reckoned with. Even both the Haporis were in awe of her.Some people still went on talking, ignoring the threat. “…the Comics section is under siege by the newbies. Some comic makers have gone missing. We fear that they might have been held to ransom or have defected to their side…” droned on one famous comic maker’s hologram.“We BZPRPGers had no choice but to surrender,” said a famous general’s hologram from the BZPRPG section. His voice took on a grim tone. “They have herded our people into camps and are killing us systematically.” He frowned. “There is a Resistance movement, but we have limited funds and weapons. We need help-” the hologram suddenly fizzled out.All eyes turned to a headset-wearing Matoran in shock, who swiftly manipulated some keys on his laptop and grimaced. “They can’t trace us, but have disabled the communications in and out of that place.”Querida stood up. Her hands were shaking and she gripped the table so hard that her knuckles turned white. Her eyes had bags under them due to the lack of sleep. She gave a small cough and indicated Hapori Tohu. “Hapori Tohu, if you will, please provide us the gist of your letters.” She indicated the second smallest hologram.As all eyes turned to Hapori Tohu, for the first time in his life, he felt nervous. This is what it must be like for mortals, he thought. Only this time, I’m the mortal one.He felt the sweat beading down his face and it was so cold. He gulped and felt a bubble of laughter rising up his throat. Recognizing it somehow as hysteria, he began his speech, only to stutter. “W-we…”Hapori Dume quickly came to his brother’s rescue. “Querida, I do apologize.” He picked up Tohu’s broken speech and began again, leaning on the table and looking at everyone venomously. “We have been exiled from Paradiso. Our people have been forced to live off the land and although we can hold the hackers back for some time, it would not last forever as our people need food, water and other resources fast. You must be aware, Querida-”Querida’s hands went up. “I am aware of that, Hapori Dume. Now, since we have already reached crisis point, as shown by the pile of letters here-” Here she indicated the pile of letters on the sagging table, “-we need to end this war quickly, or else BZPower would be lost.”“And have you found a way?” asked V3f3 eagerly.“There is no way.” replied Querida curtly.The disappointment and rage in the room rose to new heights as everyone gathered in the conference room shouted “WHAT?” as one.“I knew it. Querida’s a useless ######!” yelled a hotheaded Toa of Fire, when he suddenly gasped and shrunk into a snake.The room immediately went quiet, save for the hissing of the snake-Toa. All eyes swiveled to Querida who was pointing her finger at the Toa who had just swore. She looked far better than before.“I haven’t finished yet,” she said. “There is no way, which I can think of, that would shorten this war. Should I remind you that we are currently trapped in the forums and that we cannot attack That Hacker since we don’t know who he is? ”“But he’s not mortal.” piped up Turaga Narka.“And so aren’t we, and anyway, I hear he has been grooming some apprentices to take his place one day.” whispered Turaga Gans to Turaga Narka, who shuddered.Hapori Dume’s eyes darted to both Turagas in warning. “Don’t say anything of that sort outside of this room. It may be untraceable, but if That Hacker detects anything said about him like that…” He made a sharp movement with his hand across his throat.“Can I finish?” said Querida. “As I said before, there is no way which I can think of to end this war quickly, but I propose we start recruiting new people, people with fresh ideas.” She surveyed the room. Everyone was staring at her, with confusion in their faces. Some of them were still murmuring and some of them spoke out.“And how do you propose that we recruit them and how’s that going to change anything?!” shouted one.“They will come of their own accord. Some of them we will reach out to. Also, we need all the help we can get.” replied Querida. “Now, if no one has any objections, I suggest we all return to our respective sections.”Everyone silently shuffled out of the conference room.As we end on a sombre note, let me explain some things.BZPower Forums is under attack. Again.This time it's a hacker. No one know who it is, only this time he's far worse than the others before him. He has already wrested control of some of the sections. The BZPRPG section has fallen, along with a few others.Now, if you're wondering why is this considered a comedy, this is just a prologue. The actual story hasn't started yet.If you want to join this comedy, fill this in and PM it to me.Name:Species:Powers:Weapons:Personality:Other Info:Good/Evil:Section of The Forums:Would you like to write a chapter? [Y/N]:

Edited by TradTheMentalist, Jul 22 2012 - 09:14 AM.

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#2 Offline Fount

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Posted Jul 23 2012 - 09:33 AM

What still no one replying? Is my writing that bad as I thought? Sigh.Come on, someone.The War of BZPower-Chapter OneThe Hacker: BSLqe;skfgseofcasd/awifqewkfcnewbfunfcnsenkfnej I’m ending this right now, nighty night you lovely annoya-daehfewdfuhuhouasnhu##$##?f#FFCWEK@#G$EGEFOICewjifninbusdabyubvhjBHbiDBhbAdmin: OK, now that we have regained control let’s return to the story.Location: Trad’s Studio*CREAK**SHUFFLE SHUFFLE SHUFFLE SQUISH!*??: OH YUCK WHAT DID I JUST STEP ON?!Rie: Surprise! Happy Birthday! Enjoy your cake?Cleaner: I’m not the boss! I haven’t even seen him for ages! Where’s my money?Rie: Wait, you’re the cleaner?Cleaner: You deaf?Rie: No. But where is he?Cleaner: Why are you asking me? I here for my wages and I want them now!Rie: Fine! Now shut the karz up and do what you’re supposed to, which is clean! Then you’ll get your money!Cleaner *muttering*: This is the future generation?Rie: I heard that!Location: A warehouse in the outskirts of the Comedies sectionHUP TWO THREE STAB! HUP TWO THREE STAB! HUP TWO THREE STAB!Trad *In a fake glasses and mustache mask*: OK. So, Plushies.Emissary: I know, very old fashioned. But imagine! The perfect workers! They don’t complain, they need no rest and they need no food!Trad*Adjusts his mask*: Isn’t what our present generation is like these days?Emissary: No, they still need food.Trad: Well, they’re like data zombies. They live on data.Emissary: Who’s the emissary here?Trad: You.Emissary: Then I suggest you keep your mouth shut or we’ll call off the transaction.Trad: Fine. *Pauses* Is that why you wear that stupid hat?Location: Trad’s StudioRie :*Shuffling through Trad’s papers* There has to be something that explains why he’s missing. I’ve seen enough CSI to learn that.Cleaner: Also that DNA testing always works for some reason?Rie: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!Cleaner: Same to you. I’m cleaning.Rie: I’m searching for answers. Wait, what’s this?“Dear Trad,We’ve been receiving news that an army has assembled somewhere outside the comedy section. Go check it out. It might be important in ending the war.Yours annoyingly,Querida.”Querida… Really, do you have to send him on suicidal missions to end this war?Cleaner: Of course. This is what I do every day.Rie: I was talking to a hypothetical person, not you.Cleaner: But I am Querida.Rie: Pull the other leg.Cleaner/Querida: Oh, really! *Slams the table, causing it to turn into stone.*Rie: Great. Our cleaner is Querida in disguise. What else can possibly go wrong?BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*Dramatic shwoop as everyone’s eyes fall onto the phone on Trad’s desk.*Querida: Pick it up, girl! Quick!Rie: *Picks up the phone as it is a venomous snake, while muttering about old lazy biddies* H…Hello????: *breathes*Rie: *breathes*Querida: *breathes and motions for the phone*??? : Who’s the hostage taker here?Querida: *Breathes*???: Fine. Querida, if you are listening to this, well, *laughs malevolently* Trad has been captured.Querida: Who is this????: An Emissary of The Hacker, of course. But I didn’t say that.Querida: Oh. Let him go.Emissary: When pigs fly.Querida: But they do. In the world where I come from at least.Emissary: Ah... Change it into when morons fly. *Hangs up*In another part of BZPower:Toa Huava: Disappear, you Muaka!PUNT!Morons: Aiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiai! Wesa flying!*Back in Trad's Studio*Querida: Hello? HELLO?! *hangs up the phone*Rie: Who was that?Querida:An Emissary of The Hacker. Trad's in a spot of trouble. He's been captured.Rie: You made him go on a suicide mission, and he gets captured? Do you know how cruelly they will treat him?Querida: I know! Now shut up and let me think. Why don’t you go and get a group of people to rescue him and the others instead?Rie: Fine! *Grabs a board and storms out.*Querida: Wait, what did I say? Karzahni…RIE! COME BACK!

Edited by TradTheMentalist, Jul 23 2012 - 10:33 PM.

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#3 Offline Fabulous Sunshine

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Posted Jul 29 2012 - 02:52 AM

Okay, here's your review from the CCC. Both chapters I believe?Spelling and Grammar:

“WILL YOU ALL BE QUIET!” yelled Querida

Maybe a question mark there? Due to it being a question?

droned on one famous comic maker’s hologram.

Maybe remove the 'on'?

“And have you found a way?” asked V3f3 eagerly.

And no celebrities were harmed.

Rie: No. But where is he?

Don't start sentences with 'but'. Needs a comma instead of a period.

Rie: *Picks up the phone as it is a venomous snake, while muttering about old lazy biddies* H…Hello?

'As if it was a venomous snake'. You forgot the 'if'.Well, your spelling and grammar is ... decent, but you have several errors in your writing, which can be easily fixed through some more proof-reading and the use of a spellchecker/grammar checker. There's room for improvement in this part of your writing, and it will improve as you become more experienced with it.I'd rate it 78%Humour:From what I've read, your humour focuses on the inane conversations between your characters, like Seinfeld. Or at least, for now it does. Yet most of the conversations also seem somewhat forced and random at times, which can be pretty detracting from the story. I recommend you to subtly weave some more humour into the actions of your characters and your surroundings.Read some of Terry Pratchett's books to improve your humour.Rating is 72%Plot:I have a sneaking suspicion that the plot will involve our Female Yoda creating a group of Comedies forum members to save the entire site from the evil godly Hacker, who has rendered every other section of BZPower useless, making them pretty much cannon fodder for the main characters to save, and they will cheer the heroes on.But yeah, I suppose that's the gist of your plot then?Well then, your plot has a simple basic outline, which is good, but currently I don't have much to see of the smaller details, which currently seem to involve Trad being kidnapped by the agents of the Hackers.Where did the Female Yoda come from again?Rating of plot: 75%Overall:In conclusion, your story can be pretty well written, but there are many ways for you to improve, allowing for the reader to obtain a more pleasurable reading experience. The flaws can be corrected if one works hard enough, and I'll probably be watching this in order to see how it progresses.Average Rating: 75%

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#4 Offline Fount

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Posted Jul 30 2012 - 10:05 AM

I have a sneaking suspicion that the plot will involve our Female Yoda creating a group of Comedies forum members to save the entire site from the evil godly Hacker, who has rendered every other section of BZPower useless, making them pretty much cannon fodder for the main characters to save, and they will cheer the heroes on.

Not really. It'll involve as much people as possible.Can't reveal more about that.The War of BZPower-Chapter Two and A Half Trad’s ViewpointHow nice. I’ve been captured. Must keep myself from swearing, or I wouldn’t hear the end of it.Why am I worrying about it anyway? It’s certain. She’s going to nag me for weeks!Who am I talking about? The Grand Annoying Woman, or Yodaness, Querida.She was the one who sent me on this suicide mission.“It’ll be recon,” she said. “Easy and simple.” she said. (Sorry for the meme. But it was appropriate here.)She told me that the Hacker was utilizing this army of Plushies. How nice, you might think. Harmless.Until someone told me they were bloodthirsty. Literally. But then most of the other writers and users of imagination have gone into hiding or defected, and those available were busy. And anyway, the Shorts and Epics domes had fallen some time ago.So now, I’m in this room (for want of a better word), being interrogated.I think this Hacker might have patented boredom with the Patent Office of Torture, because it’s already working. So I’m writing this in my head, in order to preserve sanity.And I need my beauty sleep. Time has seem to be randomized for me and now I’ve given up on fighting against my own instincts.ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. The Hacker’s ViewpointI walked into the room and the first thing I do was to bang my*EXPLEXITIVE* knee on the *EXPLEXITIVE* table, thanks to the*EXPLEXITIVE* light.I *EXPLEXITIVE* hate you, *EXPLEXITIVE* stereotypes and *EXPLEXITIVE* crime dramas. I really*EXPLEXITIVE* hate you. When I take over-But I’m not on the subject. I’m the infamous Hacker, at your service.Who am I actually? Now that would be telling wouldn’t it? I’m-*EXPLEXITIVE* Mom!Sorry, gotta go for a moment.Now where was I? Ah. The first thing I did was to bang my knee on the table and hop around. Much to the bemusement of those two useless guards, whom I sent out of the room.Honestly, how much was I paying them for? I must really cut their pay. When I take over………“So… Trad… You have fallen into my hands again. What does the Oh-I-Am-So-Great writer has to say for himself?”No response. Such bravado is so amusing.“Nothing for once, I see. Well, let me tell you something. You’re the worst writer I’ve ever seen in ages. Do you know why I want to talk to you?”No comment from the Matoran tied up in the chair.Then suddenly, a yawn emanated from him.I leapt back, startled.He looked at me brightly. “Did I miss anything?”*EXPLEXITIVE* Trad Again.It was fun making him swear. I wish I had a camcorder.But then, memory would have to suffice. Sigh. Rie would have loved the look on his face.He quickly recovered however. “Did you hear what I said?” he demanded.Tsk. Tsk. Why are people so impatient these days? But anyway, back to the story.“Of course I did. I was meditating,” I added. “Not sleeping.”He was rattled by my behavior, I could tell. The HackerI wasn’t. TradShut up. You were that obvious.“You know what?” he asked.“What?” It was one of those questions that demanded an answer.“You wouldn’t be so cocky when you find out that I have repaired the Darktraction Device.”“WHAT.” This wasn’t an answer. It was simple confusion.“I raided the museums for some parts, and replaced those truly lost parts with modern technology.”“You raided a museum? That’s barbaric!”“That’s what they’re for anyway. And anyway, you wouldn’t be laughing after I used it on you.”“Oh, how nice to hear that.”“Soon, I shall build an army that shall be invicible and unstoppable! I shall take over BZPower and there’s nothing you can do about it.”Frightened as I was, I couldn’t help but to needle him.“How dramatic. Ever thought of RPing?”“It was too restrictive.”“Maybe you were too rigid!”“*EXPLEXITIVE* YOU.”I smiled.“You wouldn’t be smiling when I wipe the Comedy section off the face of BZPower.”I still kept smiling.“Do your worst.”“Oh I will indeed.” He leant over and whispered in my ear. “And Rie will die horribly, first of all.”I had no answer to that and my eyes showed a glint of fear.He saw it and grinned. “Have a nice time thinking about it, Trad.” He walked out of the room.The moment the door shut, I began picking at my handcuffs with the pen I had pickpocketed. That’s why you should never wear a pen in your pocket then lean down.

Edited by TradTheMentalist, Jul 30 2012 - 09:43 AM.

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