Edited by TradTheMentalist, Jul 22 2012 - 09:14 AM.
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The War of BZPower
Posted Jul 22 2012 - 12:07 AM
Posted Jul 23 2012 - 09:33 AM
Edited by TradTheMentalist, Jul 23 2012 - 10:33 PM.
Posted Jul 29 2012 - 02:52 AM
Maybe a question mark there? Due to it being a question?
“WILL YOU ALL BE QUIET!” yelled Querida
Maybe remove the 'on'?
droned on one famous comic maker’s hologram.
And no celebrities were harmed.
“And have you found a way?” asked V3f3 eagerly.
Don't start sentences with 'but'. Needs a comma instead of a period.
Rie: No. But where is he?
'As if it was a venomous snake'. You forgot the 'if'.Well, your spelling and grammar is ... decent, but you have several errors in your writing, which can be easily fixed through some more proof-reading and the use of a spellchecker/grammar checker. There's room for improvement in this part of your writing, and it will improve as you become more experienced with it.I'd rate it 78%Humour:From what I've read, your humour focuses on the inane conversations between your characters, like Seinfeld. Or at least, for now it does. Yet most of the conversations also seem somewhat forced and random at times, which can be pretty detracting from the story. I recommend you to subtly weave some more humour into the actions of your characters and your surroundings.Read some of Terry Pratchett's books to improve your humour.Rating is 72%Plot:I have a sneaking suspicion that the plot will involve our Female Yoda creating a group of Comedies forum members to save the entire site from the evil godly Hacker, who has rendered every other section of BZPower useless, making them pretty much cannon fodder for the main characters to save, and they will cheer the heroes on.But yeah, I suppose that's the gist of your plot then?Well then, your plot has a simple basic outline, which is good, but currently I don't have much to see of the smaller details, which currently seem to involve Trad being kidnapped by the agents of the Hackers.Where did the Female Yoda come from again?Rating of plot: 75%Overall:In conclusion, your story can be pretty well written, but there are many ways for you to improve, allowing for the reader to obtain a more pleasurable reading experience. The flaws can be corrected if one works hard enough, and I'll probably be watching this in order to see how it progresses.Average Rating: 75%
Rie: *Picks up the phone as it is a venomous snake, while muttering about old lazy biddies* H…Hello?
"It’s not Yggdrasil or Helheim you’re facing, it’s the cold rule that says the world demands sacrifice in exchange of hope. Destroy that rule and change the world."
- D.J. Sagara
3DS Friend Code: 4012-5263-3146
Posted Jul 30 2012 - 10:05 AM
Not really. It'll involve as much people as possible.Can't reveal more about that.The War of BZPower-Chapter Two and A Half Trad’s ViewpointHow nice. I’ve been captured. Must keep myself from swearing, or I wouldn’t hear the end of it.Why am I worrying about it anyway? It’s certain. She’s going to nag me for weeks!Who am I talking about? The Grand Annoying Woman, or Yodaness, Querida.She was the one who sent me on this suicide mission.“It’ll be recon,” she said. “Easy and simple.” she said. (Sorry for the meme. But it was appropriate here.)She told me that the Hacker was utilizing this army of Plushies. How nice, you might think. Harmless.Until someone told me they were bloodthirsty. Literally. But then most of the other writers and users of imagination have gone into hiding or defected, and those available were busy. And anyway, the Shorts and Epics domes had fallen some time ago.So now, I’m in this room (for want of a better word), being interrogated.I think this Hacker might have patented boredom with the Patent Office of Torture, because it’s already working. So I’m writing this in my head, in order to preserve sanity.And I need my beauty sleep. Time has seem to be randomized for me and now I’ve given up on fighting against my own instincts.ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. The Hacker’s ViewpointI walked into the room and the first thing I do was to bang my*EXPLEXITIVE* knee on the *EXPLEXITIVE* table, thanks to the*EXPLEXITIVE* light.I *EXPLEXITIVE* hate you, *EXPLEXITIVE* stereotypes and *EXPLEXITIVE* crime dramas. I really*EXPLEXITIVE* hate you. When I take over-But I’m not on the subject. I’m the infamous Hacker, at your service.Who am I actually? Now that would be telling wouldn’t it? I’m-*EXPLEXITIVE* Mom!Sorry, gotta go for a moment.Now where was I? Ah. The first thing I did was to bang my knee on the table and hop around. Much to the bemusement of those two useless guards, whom I sent out of the room.Honestly, how much was I paying them for? I must really cut their pay. When I take over………“So… Trad… You have fallen into my hands again. What does the Oh-I-Am-So-Great writer has to say for himself?”No response. Such bravado is so amusing.“Nothing for once, I see. Well, let me tell you something. You’re the worst writer I’ve ever seen in ages. Do you know why I want to talk to you?”No comment from the Matoran tied up in the chair.Then suddenly, a yawn emanated from him.I leapt back, startled.He looked at me brightly. “Did I miss anything?”*EXPLEXITIVE* Trad Again.It was fun making him swear. I wish I had a camcorder.But then, memory would have to suffice. Sigh. Rie would have loved the look on his face.He quickly recovered however. “Did you hear what I said?” he demanded.Tsk. Tsk. Why are people so impatient these days? But anyway, back to the story.“Of course I did. I was meditating,” I added. “Not sleeping.”He was rattled by my behavior, I could tell. The HackerI wasn’t. TradShut up. You were that obvious.“You know what?” he asked.“What?” It was one of those questions that demanded an answer.“You wouldn’t be so cocky when you find out that I have repaired the Darktraction Device.”“WHAT.” This wasn’t an answer. It was simple confusion.“I raided the museums for some parts, and replaced those truly lost parts with modern technology.”“You raided a museum? That’s barbaric!”“That’s what they’re for anyway. And anyway, you wouldn’t be laughing after I used it on you.”“Oh, how nice to hear that.”“Soon, I shall build an army that shall be invicible and unstoppable! I shall take over BZPower and there’s nothing you can do about it.”Frightened as I was, I couldn’t help but to needle him.“How dramatic. Ever thought of RPing?”“It was too restrictive.”“Maybe you were too rigid!”“*EXPLEXITIVE* YOU.”I smiled.“You wouldn’t be smiling when I wipe the Comedy section off the face of BZPower.”I still kept smiling.“Do your worst.”“Oh I will indeed.” He leant over and whispered in my ear. “And Rie will die horribly, first of all.”I had no answer to that and my eyes showed a glint of fear.He saw it and grinned. “Have a nice time thinking about it, Trad.” He walked out of the room.The moment the door shut, I began picking at my handcuffs with the pen I had pickpocketed. That’s why you should never wear a pen in your pocket then lean down.
I have a sneaking suspicion that the plot will involve our Female Yoda creating a group of Comedies forum members to save the entire site from the evil godly Hacker, who has rendered every other section of BZPower useless, making them pretty much cannon fodder for the main characters to save, and they will cheer the heroes on.
Edited by TradTheMentalist, Jul 30 2012 - 09:43 AM.
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