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LSO 2012 Team One Review Topic


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#1 Offline Hahli Husky

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Posted Jul 26 2012 - 12:49 PM

If you guys would like both the epic and review topic names changed, please send me a PM with whatever name you decide on and I'll change them. ;)Once the epic topic reopens, feel free to switch up your writing order, collaborate, or even drop out of writing if you wish. Have fun!Epic topic
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#2 Offline Zaxvo

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Posted Jul 27 2012 - 12:25 AM

Guys, I want to thank you three for making this a brilliant experience. Even though I was helping write the story, I was always eagerly looking forward to the next chapter; it was the kind of story I would voluntarily read in my own free time, and being able to contribute was wonderful. While writing, I was always nervous that I would be adding too much to the story; I always wanted to avoid forcing the story into one particular direction. At the same time, I didn't want to contribute too little to the plot, and I hope I kept a decent balance. I'd love to get responses and feedback from anyone and everyone who read to the story, whether you helped write or not.
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#3 Offline xccj

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Posted Jul 27 2012 - 02:44 AM

I had lots of fun writing with you guys too! We came up with a very fun story, IMO. Granted, I thought our starter line was kinda lame (Prime Minister, really? But I thought we kept a good mystery going, even when it was pretty obvious that none of us knew exactly what we were talking about because of the rules, but you wouldn't know that just by reading this. :P And even though some of our styles were slightly different (like how we would focus on different characters each time... or rather how I kept focusing on different characters :P ) we still managed to have some good continuity. Really, my only complain was when Emissary brought Gelu back, mostly because I was planning to do a cutaway scene to him in my next chapter. :P But yeah, I still think this turned out to be a good epic, and I hope we can come up with a decent ending for it when we're allowed to start posting again. :):music:
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#4 Offline Excelsior

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Posted Jul 28 2012 - 12:21 PM

Writing this was fun, and overall, I'm pretty happy with the story.Speaking as the person who came after you, Zaxvo, your chapters could occasionally be a challenge, but I managed to cope. :P Actually, they helped me develop new ideas. Your second chapter, for instance, was what gave me the idea of the gun being possessed. And I liked that you made Pohatu "go missing" when the rest were dead.(Speaking of which, was the ENTIRE TEAM planning to bring back Pohatu? Zaxvo established his death as ambiguous. I was certainly planning his return as soon as I read that. And xccj established him as alive. Great minds think alike, I guess.)

I had lots of fun writing with you guys too! We came up with a very fun story, IMO. Granted, I thought our starter line was kinda lame (Prime Minister, really? But I thought we kept a good mystery going, even when it was pretty obvious that none of us knew exactly what we were talking about because of the rules, but you wouldn't know that just by reading this. :P And even though some of our styles were slightly different (like how we would focus on different characters each time... or rather how I kept focusing on different characters :P ) we still managed to have some good continuity. Really, my only complain was when Emissary brought Gelu back, mostly because I was planning to do a cutaway scene to him in my next chapter. :P But yeah, I still think this turned out to be a good epic, and I hope we can come up with a decent ending for it when we're allowed to start posting again. :) :music:

Hey, I still don't know exactly what I was talking about. And yeah, I didn't really like the prompt either (though it was better than the line Team Three got - good luck incorporating a baby mouse into your story).But Emissary managed to work it in surprisingly seamlessly. And it did turn into a good setting. I've heard a couple people say they prefer stories set somewhere in existing canon than just in the future (the Kodan and Time Slip entries, for instance). I agree that takes more ingenuity to write, and, since it fills existing holes in canon, may seem more fun to read - but where in Bionicle are you going to find a Prime Minister? Besides, though as a type I may prefer the other kind of fanfic, this particular story I liked for itself.So yeah, Emissary got the ball rolling nicely with his first chapter, even if it was unclear exactly what kind of ball it was at that point. Really, it seems like that could have gone a lot of different ways. Also, I liked how Onua was immediately suspicious of the "Do you trust me?" line.Then xccj introduced Jaller, gave him a good position (a lot of the fun of the first chapters, it seemed to me, was assigning characteristic positions to people) and introduced a war - which we all proceeded to ignore for the next eight chapters or so. I find that funny.Oh, and he killed Onua! Have to say, I wasn't really expecting that. But that, and Gresh not knowing what had happened, really set up the story as the mystery it turned into - until it evolved into something else, of course.Zaxvo's first chapter was good too. It brought Kopaka into it, which I definitely liked. Pohatu is my favorite Toa, but I'm a Kopaka fan too. I'm a big Nuva fan in general, so I liked that this story was more or less about them.I thought Kopaka was well written there. Actually colder and less emotional than I write him (as you can see from my chapters, I guess) but I definitely would prefer that to the other extreme. Something I'm happy about, by the way: I don't think Kopaka smiled in the whole epic!I was pretty happy with the fates Zaxvo decided on for the other Nuva, too, although Tahu's death made me wonder who was king of this "kingdom." I decided they had a power vacuum, in the end.Which brings me to some things I was thinking would be in the story, but never quite made their way in. I sort of introduced them in my first chapter, but only sort of.
Spoiler
I put the above in spoiler tags just because it's about story ideas that didn't get into the actual story. It didn't quite seem to belong with the rest.Anyway, my chapter was sort of meant to open up the potential of Kopaka having issues with the government, though not to force it on the other writers. I also wanted to clarify the setup of the North in general, and BRING LEWA INTO IT. I was thinking of doing more with the Lewa-Onua relationship, but there was never really time to talk about it much. (Though I did work in a mention of it in my second chapter.) I also threw out the fact that Onua had been Nuparu's Toa, which Emissary picked up on in his next chapter.I'm going to stop this now, since it's massively long. I'd like to hear what the rest of you were thinking when you were writing your chapters (not meant in the "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!" sense :P).How did other people's chapters help or hurt your ideas, and what ideas did you have that never made it into the story? That's the interesting part of a round robin, I think.Also, renaming our team has single-handedly made the numbers of all the other teams incorrect, because now there is no Team One. Ha.-Excelsior Extempore

Edited by Excelsior, Jul 28 2012 - 01:44 PM.

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#5 Offline Zaxvo

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Posted Jul 28 2012 - 03:20 PM

When I killed off half of the Nuva, I WAS thinking carefully of who to preserve. I decided to go with Lewa, simply because we I already knew I wanted Kopaka there and I hoped their personalities would clash quite a bit and lead to interesting plot occurrences. Lewa and Kopaka always seemed like polar opposites, I thought it would be interesting to see the two of them working on their own together. Of course, that clash never really got developed, but it still turned out quite well.I particularly enjoyed the way Excelsior brought the deaths of the Toa Nuva into the plot. That was perhaps the truest any of us got to Kopaka IMO. And when I read xccj's chapter when Nuparu first becomes possessed, my mind was blown. I don't think anyone saw that coming and it was a joy to write the ending to that cliffhanger. And as Excelsior said, Emissary dealt with our prompt excellently, and I really liked how he included the Vahi. (Although technically the Vahi is orange, but I'm not complaining :P there's another conundrum we haven't figured out yet). And then the addition or Brutaka and re-killing of Pohatu was also entertaining. And then xccj introduced the Bohrok, which I tried to build on. And of course, kickstarted the Lewa/Brutaka fight, which I tried to make as engaging and as "epic" as possible. And then at the end Excelsior revived Pohatu (he's really fluctuated throughout this epic, hasn't he :P I semi-killed him, then xccj brought him back, and then he was contacting Kopaka, but then he wasn't, and then he was absorbed and gone, and then he wasn't.) Funny story about that chapter...I opened the thread, looking forward to the next chapter, and my first reaction was on of frustration. I really wanted Lewa to take out Brutaka -- I had deleted a scene from my chapter where Lewa uses the Olmak to return to New Atero and drop off Brutaka in prison where Hewkii was warden. SO in my mind Lewa was victorious, and when I read it he wasn't. I literally cried out when I read the beginning. The way Lewa died, though, made up for it. That scene was brilliant. I also wanted to work the Vahi in but could never force the plot into a situation where it would have been natural; up until my last chapter neither Kopaka nor Lewa knew about the Vahi, and I didn't want to split the plot into three strands by going back to Onewa and Nuparu and them back in New Atero. And one of the theories I had formed about the significance of Vahi by Excelsior's last chapter -- I was thinking that it was the source of the hesitation Excelsior introduced. But then Lewa was struck with it when the Fireworks Launcher was far war being studied by Helryx and Kopaka. So that doesn't work. xccj's third chapter gave me a bit of trouble, merely because it was an open-ended prompt. All of his other chapters ended on a note of "this is roughly what should happen next" -- his first ended with a summons for Nuparu, his second with Nuparu being possessed and alone with Jaller, and the fourth with Brutaka and Lewa squaring off to fight. But that third chapter was less specific so it forced me to think more. Which was nice, although I very nearly missed the deadline :P
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#6 Offline xccj

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Posted Jul 28 2012 - 04:30 PM

Heh, glad everybody was okay with Pohatu being around. I kind of wanted him to pop up randomly, going all “Hey, guess what, still alive” but there was never really a good place to put that. So when Kopaka and Lewa fled, I just decided that Kopaka had already noticed the inconsistency and had already been looking for him. (Kopaka was doing a lot of stuff on his own before this, apparently.) Then it turns out that Kopaka was already speaking with Pohatu… who was an imposter, who was then absorbed or something… so my last chapter I just kind of combined all our bits of story about Pohatu. He’d been running, then he got caught, then impersonated. Just not all at the same time. :PI guess I did kind of jump the gun by killing off Onua straightaway. Emissary’s first chapter set up the assassination so smoothly that it just felt right to kill him quickly. Then I wanted to bring Jaller and Nuparu into the mystery, but the story kind of turned away from the Inika / Mahri and focused on the Nuva, which is fine.As for the possession… well, that’s what I thought was happening to Gresh from the start. Emissary made a reference to telepathy, and I tried to steer it towards krana / infected mask kind of control. I really liked how Zaxvo had Nuparu’s line dismissing the telepathy, but I wasn’t expecting the whole “revolver allows people to be possessed” part. Although it makes sense. I still think we can completely explain this mystery if we finish the story, because I think we could still pull off another showdown with Kopaka. ;)One thing I did want to explore some more was the Skakdi colony where I sent Gelu. That was where I was planning to reintroduce Pohatu and then he and Gelu would kind of do this side quest to stop the bad guy while Kopaka and Lewa faced him head on… but we went a different direction, and it worked. I did love what Zaxvo and Excelsior did in Tajun with a possessed Kiina. First, the Onua vs Gresh match when to the possessed. Jaller vs Nuparu was basically a tie, although the possessed managed to blank Jaller’s mind. (I left that encounter open ended on purpose, but one outcome I thought of was Jaller getting possessed and somehow placing the blame on Nuparu.) But Kopaka vs Kiina went straight to the Nuva. Ha!The Brutaka bit did catch me off guard a bit. I tried to weave the loose threads in my mind together in his whole villainous speech. (Coincidentally, as I wrote his dialogue, I thought “hey that sounds like something from the Bohrok comics” and so I gave Lewa that line… totally wasn’t trying to foreshadow, but hey it works. My other idea was that he would re-shatter the planet to destroy it.) I did intend for Lewa to die in the fight; hey, we killed off the rest of the Nuva, might as well finish off the job. I’m glad Zaxvo and Excelsior let him go down with a bang and take Brutaka while he was at it. But still, Excelsior hinted that there was something different possessing Brutaka, so while he may be gone, the possessor could still resurface and face Kopaka. ;) Plus, there’s the whole war thing that I kept trying to push forward that needs resolving. So that’s why I don’t think we should give up on this story just yet!But yeah, again this was fun to write. It was always exciting to see what everybody else brought in to each chapter. :):music:
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#7 Offline Excelsior

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Posted Jul 28 2012 - 08:23 PM

I was pretty happy with the deaths you chose, Zaxvo. I'd given it some thought myself, but all I'd decided was that I wanted Gali dead, which you did. (Not really a big fan of hers.) Personally, I think Lewa and Kopaka would get along better than they used to, though they're definitely opposite types. (Hey, you want REAL conflict? Have Kopaka and Tahu the only ones left. Those two would probably fight to the point of blaming each other for their siblings' deaths. Random thought.)Pohatu was put through a lot, wasn't he? I had basically the same plan for him as xccj, though I never got time to implement it.
Spoiler
I'm trying to use spoiler tags for unused ideas and (on the off chance we've picked up a reader or two, who is looking at this) suggestions for the future.So yeah, that was what I was planning, but I'm glad I didn't get a chance. xccj's way was so much better. In fact, I think that's my favorite chapter in the epic. It was just a really cool idea, and so in character for Kopaka, I thought. If Pohatu ever went M.I.A., that is what he would do.(Incidentally, that would explain why I undid Zaxvo's thing from the next chapter. :P)I really don't understand the Vahi thing either, though the gold part does work, since they said it was "discolored." But why, and how, was the Vahi turned into a murderous gun with powers of possession? Emissary? Explanation?Sorry I frustrated you with the Lewa/Not-Brutaka fight, Zaxvo. I thought it was more in the spirit of the story for Lewa (and, in a way, Pohatu) to have to sacrifice themselves to bring the killer down. But I'm glad you liked the death. When it comes to death scenes, the Nuva deserve the best!In my head, the gun and Not-Brutaka shared the freeze power. My idea for Not-Brutaka was that the Order had accidentally created a new consciousness in Brutaka's body. It was meant to absorb knowledge from Mata Nui, but (as is so often the way with these experiments) it surpassed its purpose. It was gifted with various mental powers and the ability to "assimilate" other minds, particularly if he takes their bodies as well.He (somehow) created the fireworks revolver, and it is (somehow) linked to him, which is why they possess some of the same powers.And about his being dead or not:
Spoiler
Those were my ideas. I tried to leave the fireworks revolver open, because I figured Emissary already had an explanation.I was going for possession from the start, too. The krana type of possession could have been good (actually, I guess the gun was a variant of that). As I said, the gun being possessed was inspired by Zaxvo's second chapter, though I don't remember exactly how. I remember putting all the "clues" about the murderer in one document (which I still have) and working from there. I actually had to type out notes before writing almost every chapter, just to get my ideas straight.I think that's the sign of a good story.Onua being killed was somewhat unrealistic (as Zaxvo and I had the characters say), but that made it more onteresting, because then we found an interesting explanation for it. And I like this story better than I would have if Onua had lived.Kopaka is the king of incapacitating people quickly. Also, he knows there's a body-possessing murderer out there who wants him dead. This is not a situation where you want to seem suspicious to him. At all.By the way, we still need to figure out some of the logistics of the gun's powers. As they mention, the Nuva had it in their hands for some time without obvious ill effect.Here's some ideas I had in early stages for the gun:
Spoiler
Yeah, Brutaka did come out of left field. (Baseball stadium, Somewhere in America. Announcer: Someone's just run out onto left field! He's...um...he's very tall...and he looks heavily armored - wait! Some sort of portal is opening in front of him! He's going through! He's...through! Okay, emergency over, I guess... Spherus Magnan desert. Brutaka steps through portal. Brutaka: That was a wierd dimension...)Okay, he didn't literally come out of left field. But he could have.I think you explained him pretty well, anyway. The sudden emergence in the story of a Bohrok theme was also unexpected. Maybe we could work something in later, about his absorbance of information accidentally taking too much from the "camoflage system"? That would explain the quotes, and the use of the swarms.Yeah, the war might need resolving. :P It could be good material - we were just too busy for it.I want to continue the story, anyway. There's still cool stuff we haven't done here. Actually,
Spoiler
And, yeah, xccj - it did get steered away from the Mahri pretty quickly. On my part, it was partly because this was the murder of a Nuva. His brothers should be the ones to handle it. But partly it was because the Nuva are just my favorite characters. I like them significantly more than any other canon team.One other thing - what did you think of my ending? At first, the last lines were about the gun, because I was trying to prompt Emissary to explain it in his next chapter. Then I realized he almost certainly wouldn't have time, so I tried to make it more ending-like. I was going for one of those "The war's still on, but this battle's over" kind of endings. Yes, there are still problems to be faced and battles to be fought, but we've reached a short lull between one fight and the next, a place to stop and take stock of what we've got.That was my intention. What did you think?Also - any other name suggestions? I suggested "Obstacles" in the LSO topic - don't know if anyone saw my post. Just throwing the suggestion out there - others are welcome. I also responded to xccj's suggestions there.But we do have a team name, and it's officially in our epic title (though not, interestingly, in that of our review topic). That's good.-Excelsior Extempore

Edited by Excelsior, Jul 28 2012 - 08:33 PM.

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#8 Offline Emissary

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Posted Jul 29 2012 - 02:23 PM

This was an awesome story, guys, and I'm glad to have gotten to work on it with you! Just wanted to say that.Anyway, an explanation about the whole Vahi-deal is probably in order.[spolier]My original plan for the Vahi was to have the same Antidermis/Makuta newborn spirits that possessed Brutaka come back and possess the mask (please don't ask me how that's possible, even I don't know).[/spoiler]I sort of had similar intentions as xccj, in that I wanted the story to revolve more around the Mahri, and New Atero in general, in order to give it a more "government conspiracy/murder mystery" feel to it. However, that's not to say that the Nuva-centred storyline wasn't brilliant (because it was).Your ending, Excelsior, was actually good. My only complaint was on how rushed it felt, but we were getting right down to the wire, so I can understand why.Zaxvo, your last chapter immediately made me think, Aw Karz yes! I definitely didn't see it coming, but the use of Bohrok as the doomsday device, and the Mask of Psychometry to learn more about the Revolver was brilliant (I immediately starting kicking myself for not having thought of that earlier :biggrin: )!xccj's first chapter really (for me, anyway) set the stage for the story much better than mine did. You certainly cemented the society that the characters were, establishing a where, when, who and what for the world.And then you killed Onua. I'm still not sure how to feel about that.Gotta hand it to you, Excelsior, you seriously kept me on my toes throughout the story. Particularly your elaboration on the whole 'flickering' deal. That's one of the big reasons I decided to use the Vahi has the material for the gun, thinking that it might be damaged enough to temporarily drag the user out of the normal time stream. Or something like that, I dunno.Sorry about bringing Gelu back so early, xccj, but I honestly couldn't think of anything else to do at that point that would add to the story. Plus, using Gelu's report gave me some time before I had to figure out the flickering.Anyway, really enjoyed writing with you guys, and looking forwards to continuing the story.-Void
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#9 Offline Zaxvo

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Posted Jul 29 2012 - 03:10 PM

Hey, you want REAL conflict? Have Kopaka and Tahu the only ones left. Those two would probably fight to the point of blaming each other for their siblings' deaths. Random thought.

Early on in the canon, that would have been the case, but later in the story they sort of mentioned that Tahu and Kopaka had moved past their total clash from the early Nuva days -- remember the "Divided We Fall" comic? Tahu and Kopaka, I think, were past that. But it still would have been interesting write; I basically tried to pick the two Nuva who were as different from each other as possible.

the Mask of Psychometry to learn more about the Revolver was brilliant

Thanks :) To me it seemed like a natural detective tool, I wanted to work it in earlier, so I just threw in at that point to sort of speed up the story.

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