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LSO 2012 Team Two Review Topic


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7 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Hahli Husky

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Posted Jul 26 2012 - 12:51 PM

If you guys would like both the epic and review topic names changed, please send me a PM with whatever name you decide on and I'll change them. ;)Once the epic topic reopens, feel free to switch up your writing order, collaborate, or even drop out of writing if you wish. Have fun!Epic topic
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#2 Offline dotcom

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Posted Jul 26 2012 - 06:17 PM

PeepsTo Kill Salvation titleLet's make it happen.

Edited by dotcom, Jul 26 2012 - 06:17 PM.

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#3 Offline Nick Silverpen

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Posted Jul 29 2012 - 10:17 PM

Alright guys- this was certainly an interesting epic to write. I felt the Bionicle-esque feeling from what came out of it, a great post-2010 plot. The three of you were the core storytellers- I've had about half a dozen plots running in my head this summer, and I was unsure of where everyone wanted to go. Mata Nui and Mazeka- I did have plans for them, but the last two chapters with Marendar becoming Karzahni's armor was a curveball.The choice of Matoran was interesting. Midak, Ahkmou, Galva, Velika, Balta, Dalu, Onepu, Vican. Midak, now he has been a fun character to write about. Was it ever in offical canon that he was blind?I personally picked Balta just to do that scene with the twin repellers. Why was Velika picked? And it was a little disappointing that the two teams just kind of met up- I would've thought that they would be secret for another few chapters. On your blog, dotcom, I do see what you mean for the climax simply just popping out; such is the pain of not being able to plan :PKarzahni was a shocker- I wouldve thought Takadox or someone alive. But bringing him back in that manner was a little weird, but it came out alright.I'm still up for "To Kill Salvation". V Lexaeus and Kakaru, are you in?Team Two!
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#4 Offline dotcom

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Posted Jul 29 2012 - 10:50 PM

I was really really really confused about where Kakaru pulled Midak being blind from. He should actually be the Onu-Matoran with the best day vision, so that kind of came out of nowhere.I picked Velika because Velika is awesome, but then I kind of realized I would never be able to write him correctly, so that was one huge big fat error from my part. He ended up practically never being used. We also kind of made it so that three of the Toa were Voya-Nui ones, and that wasn't too good.About the two teams meeting up, I agree. I don't know what was up with the last few chapters.i mean, suddenly ahkmou kind of killed himself and the two teams just met up and then wow they're on the red star but no wait karzahni is alive and also he's using marendar as armor, even though karzahni kind of sucks at fixing things? also krakua disappeared for some reason and his plan was never readdressed.None of that made any sense to me, honestly. I thought we were doing pretty well up to that point. Here's the thing: You can't spend foureen chapters establishing the characters and the struggling, making it clear that it's going to be a quest-y kind of story, and then kill off one of the main characters, send them all to face the big bad and basically throw everything away in three or so chapters. Where was our character development? Our team bonding? What's out theme here? What was the point?I unkilled Ahkmou and set the stage for one big confrontation in hopes of us getting something going on, but then suddenly Lariska and Ahkmou were killing Agori? I don't even know what was up with that. The latest chapters there just seemed kind of a big big mess.But okay, this post so far has been nothing but me hating on what we did at last, so I want to make clear that I didn't hate it or anything, this was still a really fun thing we did. We did pretty good, considering how vague our premise was--which isn't a bad thing. A vague premise allows for more possibilities. At the same time, this meant we had way too many plot threads going on, and for that I'm going to take responsibility. The Agori-escaping thing never really went anywhere constructive, and for some reason I had to go and add three more Toa when PC had established there'd only be five (In my defense, I really wanted to do things with Gavla and Ahkmou).Nevertheless, we had a good plotline going on. We had a clear antagonist and a goal, we just had to figure out a way to get there.I just wish we had approached the climax more naturally.

Edited by dotcom, Jul 29 2012 - 10:50 PM.

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#5 Offline Ballom

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Posted Jul 29 2012 - 11:56 PM

So, thought I'd throw in some general comments on the story. This was actually one of my favorite stories for the contest; I think the post 2010 story was handled quite well, with the relationships between the Agori and the Matoran, as well as how Marendar was actually used, as opposed to its failure to really do anything in canon. The plot about the Matoran to become Toa also was quite enjoyable to read overall; I liked the interactions between former Kardatoran and the Voyatoran, and although I was also perplexed by Midak's blindness, his powers helping him through it was written quite well.As for the antagonist itself, however, I do think there was a bit of a fumble when the new Toa team first fought it. This creature's built up as the invincible big bad, but then it's wounded and fleeing before newly trained Toa within seconds, which conflicted badly with the earlier accounts of it destroying armies and then coming back stronger each time. As for Karzahni, I initially was expecting a renegade GB as the programmer, given how it is a construct of theirs, but Karzahni using the Mask of Creation to solve his issues with building was pretty awesome, as was Marendar turning into powered armor. Because, come on, who doesn't like powered armor? I eagerly await the conclusion of that fight. :)Other minor quibbles are the killing and rekilling of Ahkmou (really, he commits suicide, comes back, and then is apparently killed by Lariska, or something, without accomplish anything between dying and being retconned into life again) and the use of the golden armor as a plot point (this totally mystified me; it was pried off Tahu but then vanished from the story).Those aside, however, as I said, I really enjoyed the epic, as the group as a whole handled it quite well, making a harmonious whole overall. I do look forward to the ending. :)~B~
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#6 Offline Noise #0579

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Posted Jul 30 2012 - 09:18 AM

So ARE we going to finish the story? Who's in for wrapping this up as best we can?
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#7 Offline dotcom

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Posted Jul 30 2012 - 05:30 PM

I'd like to finish it, but I'm drawing blanks as to how we'd do that. But I guess we have time to figure that out.

Edited by dotcom, Jul 30 2012 - 05:30 PM.

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#8 Offline Noise #0579

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Posted Jul 30 2012 - 05:33 PM

Plus now we can collaborate! That should make it easier.
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Current Works:
Technic WarzoneGames and Trivia.  Fighters from various Lego lines compete in gladiator games and get to shoot death rays at each other.  Plenty of room for new players!
A Mind in Darkness: Epics.  To reclaim one of Turaga Nokama's Kanohi, Vhisola and Macku form an uneasy alliance and journey into the unknown.  Complete!

*NEW* The Blade of Valor: Short Stories.  When the Spirits of the Elements are in danger, Tahra must take up a legendary weapon and challenge the creature waiting inside Lewa's temple.  Testing a concept, so please respond if you'd like to see more of this.





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