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Static Review Topic - LSO COT 2012 Team One

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#1 Offline Hahli Husky

Hahli Husky
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Posted Jul 26 2012 - 01:00 PM

If you guys would like both the epic and review topic names changed, please send me a PM with whatever name you decide on and I'll change them. ;)Once the epic topic reopens, feel free to switch up your writing order, collaborate, or even drop out of writing if you wish. Have fun!Epic topic
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thanks photobucket i ♥ my new sig

#2 Offline Aderia

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Posted Jul 28 2012 - 06:37 PM

Hey hey hey hey hey! Guess what! This was the first LSO 2012 Epics entry I read =) I give it a thumbs up, definitely, but more about that. For now, as per usual, nitpicks and little things first. There weren't many, which didn't surprise me. And as far as I know you haven't gone in to edit anything much, maybe my nitpicks will help if you decide to go edit?Chapter 1 (Grant-Sud Rises):

It was there that I had a clear view of the guy who had been standing up and holding onto one of the polls in front of us, the same guy who was dead on the floor.

'Polls', as in like a voting booth? I wasn't aware that they had those on the metro.That's the only technical nitpick I have for the first chapter. But you don't get off that easy. There were a few verbs thrown in there, Grant, and it made me wonder what tense you were trying to use. Like, some of it was Ian's memory, some of it was in the present (in regards to the story), which I get, but I was still a bit wary of a few of your verbs. Between the sixth paragraph, (the one that begins "Are you okay Ian?" and ends "It's too bad I'm only seventeen.") and the seventh, was where I noticed this.Chapter 2 (Velox): Heh, nice OOC note at the beginning of your chapter. I don't think I've seen that in an epic before.One thing I noticed was the discrepancy between the first and second chapter, Grant emphasized the dead man's eyes being closed, and you described them as wide open and staring. However, I think Legolover came back later and saved you XDI have a few notes scribbled on my printout for this chapter, however, I cannot decipher them, so nevermind.Chapter 3 (Legolover-361):

The wrenching of our subway train onto its side was the most eventful occurrence to this point.

Does the dead man dying not count?Ah, yes. I mentioned above the dead man's eyes open/closed.

Those eyes.Eyes which had been closed when the man had died.

Nothing wrong there, I just marked that you fixed that up nicely on my printout =)Another question I have. When Ian and Alex are leaving the train, did nobody else, the other passengers, notice or care?Chapter 4 (Tolkien):The first thing I noticed was the POC shift in this chapter, I thought that was cool. From first person to third person, I thought. Except you threw me a curveball, it was first person to a different first person. Ahah, I thought that was pretty crafty, catching me off guard like that. Very nice.One thing, though, that's half question, half nitpick:

"Oh, I guess your parents will be worried.""Probably not," I say with a bit too much sarcasm.

I'm not entirely sure 'sarcasm' is the right word there.[/nitpicking]Okay. Now that that's out of the way. I may have mentioned being impressed before, I'm not sure, and I don't want to scroll up to check. But regardless, I was impressed. I've had limited round-robin experience, and the fact that you guys weren't allowed to plan out your epic was just another twist.At first, I didn't know where you planned to take this story, I'm not sure if you did either. Regardless you collectively pulled off a short and sweet (meh?) epic that had a great theme, contrasting moral light and shadow. Legolover in particular, I noticed, highlighted this contrast very effectively in the second-to-last chapter.Also, on a bit of a selfish note, the fact that you each only wrote two chapters made me happy. I've seen plotless round robins drag on and on and on and it was headache-inducing. This was most certainly not one of those, so thank you for that.This team, you are all very strong writers. I would be saying that even if this particular story was the only thing I had to base my opinion off of. One thing that stood out to me (in a good way, don't worry) was the recurring appearance of Ian's iPod throughout the chapters. It tied the writings together through the mentioning of the various songs and artists. It also gave the same chapters a nice sense of individualization and a bit of insight as to the author, which was really neat.With the round robin Epics, one thing that I expected to see (and have seen elsewhere) were flimsy characters, simply because the multiple authors imagined the same character differently. I did not see that in this story, though. Props to you all for that.I hope you had fun writing this, because it was a good read. Thanks for that.

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