LSO COT 2012 - Team Two Review Topic
Posted Jul 26 2012 - 01:02 PM
thanks photobucket i ♥ my new sig
Posted Jul 27 2012 - 02:54 AM
Posted Jul 27 2012 - 11:42 PM
Posted Jul 28 2012 - 06:34 PM
I think you're missing a word there, I assume it was 'it', but I'm not entirely sure.Chapter 2 (xccj):Again, I don't think I've read your much of your writing prior to this, my bad.
Norscu stepped to the side, leaving the light unopposed and allowing[???] to blind the warrior.
Tell me if I'm going out on a limb here, but did you mean 'raven'?
Ravel-like sculptures graced the outer walls, and the carved eyes seemed to be staring down at those entering.
I did have one question partaining to the above quote. About how young was Zykard? Was he a baby with a huge killer sword, or was he a young boy who didn't know about his own family? Somewhere in between?Chapter 3 (55555):
He had spent most of his life with the nomads; he had been abandoned in the fields as a young boy, and it was Norscu and his clan who had adopted him and raised him. He had been found only with the clothes on his back and a single weapon; his claymore Tenshiryu.
Well it's never a good sign, the first word in your first chapter is a nitpick. Nice XP "Alkiviadis", but I know you knew that.
Alkavadis walked out of the throne room and into the muted bustle of the dusty streets.
Nothing wrong with this paragraph. Quite the opposite, I just really like it, with the Raven imagery, I thought I'd point that out.Chapter 5 (Pahrak):It's okay, I didn't forget dotcom or Chapter 4, there was just nothing to nitpick there, which is a good thing. Plus I didn't want to be like a broken record and say that I hadn't read much of dotcom's stuff before etc. etc.But yeah, in chatper five, only one thing.
The power of the Raven was strong but not wide. Their army was experienced and deadly, but small in number, A sword such as Tenshiryu would change all these things, the Raven would soar above the other warlords and brittle kingdoms, the world would once more hear the cry of the Raven over all the lands.
As a personal thing, 'warrior-turned-guard' looks better, I think. When I first read over that, I thought it was something like a warriror turning to a guard to pace or something weird like that.Chapter 7 (5's):
As the warrior turned guard began to pace the length of the wall, he spotted rustling in the nearby bushes and readied for battle.
Zycard whirled around, bringing Tenshiryu up in a combat stance.
Also, the battle scene after that last typo was very well done, although expansion wouldn't have hurt.
Zukard stood, head lowered, watchful, silent and relaxed.
Personally, I find that a bit redundant. Slap me if I'm getting too particular.Chapter 10 (xccj):
Zykard straightened up, p[anting only slightly. Where twenty living men had stood none now breathed, only twenty bodies of dead men.
'shinned' to 'shone'. I was originally gonna say 'shinned' minus an 'n', but I had to consult Google about the difference between 'shined' and 'shone'. It said that 'with a direct objec, use shined. Without a direct object, use shone'.Chapter 11 (5's):
Dakari stood on guard as the moonlight shinned down through the mist.
Typo, up there.
"I know what you are thinking, Elder. Yes, I am of the force that comes here, hat will be pounding at the gates and burning your homes. [...]
"We" reads better, IMO.
"Trust me in this, Dakari. Us elders must have our secrets. [...]
That bit about blessings/curses I really liked, it's hightlighted on my printout. The 'r' thrown into 'at', though, I didn't like so much.Chapter 12 (dotcom):Oh, finally. I thought I'd never get to nitpick one of your chapters!! XP
"But art what cost Elder? No magic such as this is free, all blessings from darkness come with a curse."
'In its outside' just sounded weird, I attribute it to in/out opposites. Just to point it out.
In its outside were dozens of intricate black raven-like structures.
'Not-too-cleverly-hidden', as a suggestion.Chapter 15 (5's):If I could quote all of chapter 15, I would. But that would just be obnoxious. So I will settle for saying that it was a brilliantly written chapter, John. Very good job, there.Chapter 17 (Pahrak):
He entered through a not-too-cleverly-hid doorway and was startled when he met no resistance.
'Once', is missing the 'c'. At least that is what I presume.
Aimilia stood against the other wall, one out of Zykard's attack range, and listened in fear as the warrior shouted.
Heh, isn't it a bit too late for that now?Chapter 18 (xccj):
No matter what, he would not allow himself to take an innocent life...
'left' to 'leapt' or something of the like. Also, what happened to the axe in his leg? ("I used to be an awesome fighter, then I took an axe to the knee.")
Zykard left to his feet, throwing Dakari back with a lunge of his sword.
Singular/plural disagreement, methinks.Chapter 19 (5's):
"[...] That was the actions of the warrior Zykard.
Hey there, 5's. You a bro, ya kno dat? Now lemme see yo swagga.Ahaha, j/k. I shouldn't make fun of people's typoes, it'll come back to bite me. "You" to "you're'.[/nitpicks]Okay phew. Glad that's off my chest.One thing about Zykard that I made a note of on my printout. He is always thirsting for battle, but as soon as he finds one, he makes such short work of his enemies, it's like all in vain, I feel like.Also, Dakari. (pokemon nerd here, misread it as 'Darkrai' a gazillion times) But yeah. He started out just wanting Zykard to get lost so he (Dakari) could be the best warrior in the village. But skip to chapter 17 and beyond, he wants Zykard's heart on a platter, so to speak, which struck me as a bit extreme.Anyways, one thing I liked about your group's dynamic was that you all took varying stances regarding the character. I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into things, but like, some of you portray Zykard as a conflicted yet valiant warrior, and another description I found was something about a 'demented mind', and like, the tone towards him was like that of a rabid animal. I just thought it was interesting.Overall, I really did like the advernture-ish feel of your epic. It was all very well done, especially considering that you weren't allowed to plan or anything. It's awesome to see how the epic was expanded from the one prompt from HH, it was an enjoyable read. I think I mentioned before, but I love the medievalish setting, it was like something from my real-life bookshelf.I hope you had a fun time writing this, guys, you did a great job! (edit: well looking over your posts in the review topic so far, it looks like you did =D )And I'll definitely be keeping an eye out for more of your writings in the future.
"Thank you Alkiviadis. You a white mage of a low order, have betrayed your morals.[...]
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