Edited by Quote (Mr. Traveler), Oct 27 2012 - 09:45 AM.
Posted Aug 09 2012 - 11:23 PM
Posted Oct 06 2012 - 09:26 AM
I'd change it to "her soles" -- "the" just sounds off to me.
Her foot slipped and skid against the concrete as she shifted back against the wall, grinding up dirt and mud against the soles.
This just gets a little too wordy, I think -- you could easily just leave it at "...but the alley was covered with shadow." instead of adding those extra few words.
Lampposts lit the street beyond her, but the alley she was situated in, was covered with shadow.
I have mixed feelings about this. My first is that I thought it was interesting how you some-what personified her senses (as if they were a person, acknowledging something), but my second was just that acknowledged sounded awkward. Both caused me to slow down reading. Then again, I'm not exactly sure what would be better to replace it with. =/ Probably because I'm so distracted, unfortunately.
Slowly dropping her hands to reside limp on the ground, the smell of the garbage beside her was finally acknowledged by her senses.
"oh so slowly", while would be totally fine depending on how the story was written, just didn't fit all that well here I think -- overall while the story isn't necessary "formal" it is definitely more "formal" than I think "oh so slowly" is. Whereas if you had kept up this type of writing style throughout it'd be fine, but I felt like as this was the only phrase like it, it was a little out of place.
After the longest minute of her life, she slowly, oh so slowly, moved her head.
Okay, so one grammar nitpick: "well dressed" and "fully alive" should both have hyphens, I believe.
And the well dressed, fully alive man, the one drowning his lungs in smoke from his cigarette, held the gun at arm’s length.
"exhaling" should be "exhale"
The man retrieved the cigarette from his mouth, pausing to gently exhaling all the smoke from his lungs, before he flicked it on to the corpse.
"path" should be "paths", but the main thing here is just the "by it". I think you could just leave it out completely, and not replace it with anything, as "...and she felt like a prisoner" is strong enough on its own. =]
Rain pelted the buildings’ walls and concrete path, against the dumpster like drums, and she felt like a prisoner by it.
"at the image" sounded kinda awkward. Really, just "she flinched" would be better -- quicker, more immediate, more fitting to the situation at hand. --------------All in all, those were just minor things and this was definitely a very well-written and enjoyable story. You're a very strong writer, Grant -- keep writing! I look forward to reading more of your work.
She flinched at the image.
"As a writer you ask yourself to dream while awake." ~ Aimee Bender
Posted Oct 27 2012 - 09:40 AM
Edited by Quote (Mr. Traveler), Oct 27 2012 - 09:47 AM.
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