Hey there, Phoenixian Wrath. Automaton here on behalf of the ECC to deliver you with one, hopefully informative review and critique! Before I begin I hope you’ll forgive me in how frustratingly late you must find this but, while it’s no excuse I should just say that I’ve been trying to work through some stuff of my own lately, on and off BZPower and I had actually read your story a while before. So without further ado, let us begin.
So, what is there to say? Well, first of all I hope you’ll understand that while a lot of the forthcoming points may seem negative, this is obviously a critique and there’s no point being a critic if I only point out the positives. And from that rather sombre start allow me to jump straight into the crux of the matter which is the fact that as a prologue to a story I’ve never read, I have no clue what’s going on.
What’s a Bioni-Lord? Who are the Ahkotsku’s? Where is this world set? Earth? The future? Why do they speak plain English, yet at times Dreykin will address his brother as “Niisan” and Phaenyx attack people by calling them a “bakayarō”. What does any of this have to do with Bionicle? These are all questions I found myself asking throughout the course of your story, and I’m aware that none of this is your fault because you’re simply basing your works off of a pre-existing piece. Yet you ought to consider that for those of us that haven’t read the previous epic, all of this will be a completely new experience and you ought to take the chance to introduce us to the ins and outs while at the same time appealing to that nostalgic feeling for returning readers. I might be harping on about this a lot but, the second to last point is one that niggled at me the most. Under what circumstances do the brothers use Japanese terms in conversation? Is it a part of the culture of whatever world these people exist in or have they just been watching so much Anime it’s kind of melded into their perception of how people talk?
Another thing I feel the need to encourage is to try to paint your characters with a little more subtlety. Have characters, not archetypes. In particular I’m thinking of Tiotae whose introduction was so over the top I had to pause because I was blown away by his ego, which can in some ways be considered a compliment and can in others be worthy of criticism. My main complaint with that would have to be the fact that it wouldn’t make sense for him to behave this way going by how you present his personality to be. I mean, just think about it.
“I demand you get me one glass of lemonade this instant!”
If he really were accustomed to living the life of a pampered brat then there would be no need for him to behave in such a cold and forceful manner. He wouldn’t feel the need to use such brash words as “demand” or commands like “this instant”. Logically he’d think the servant was hired to provide him with lemonade at his very beck and call and so wouldn’t waste his energy on them when he could have just said “Waiter, get me a lemonade”, or “Waiter, lemonade.” No pleases to suggest he is something of a git, just a short, brisk command. Maybe he might behave a little more aggressive upon the first refusal but until then he ought to expect to receive what he desires, without any resistance whatsoever. Now, this is just one case but I would suggest that you apply it across to all of your characters in whatever way you can. Not all of them require this, far from it. Characters like the mother and father are interesting in their enigmatic way and I’d love to see you building up the relationship between them. There’s a lot of potential to be had in these characters and I think you could have good fun in trying to bring them to their peak. All you need to do is just remember to flesh them out and make them more three dimensional than a simple command as characterisation.
Now, what next? Hm…Ah, yes, your prose! Despite a few hiccups in structure and a couple of the odd typos, you’re fairly set as far as your writing is concerned. During the earlier chapters my biggest complaint was that you were often –too- descriptive, which is hilarious given the opposite is my usual complaint. What I mean was that whenever you described something, it was always “heavy as” or “bright as” or “strong as”. There were similes and metaphors flying all over the place to the point where it actually began to break the flow somewhat. Is that still a prominent problem later on? Why, not at all. I’m pleased to see it’s at least somewhat dissipated as the story has gone on. While at some stages it might be prominent but not to any notable degree. This is a problem that you appear to have fixed yourself and I commend you for that. Good job.
So then, that’s basically all there is to say. As most do, your story has potential and with a little bit of polish and finesse you can certainly take it on that pathway. Just keep going, think about the logic behind your choices and above all have fun with what you’re doing. Good job and good luck.