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Bioni-Lords Origins Review


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#1 Offline Phoenixian Wraith

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Posted Aug 10 2012 - 07:08 AM

Yo, welcome to the review topic for [url="[url="http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=6342"]http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=6342[/url]"]Bioni-Lords Origins: Phaenyx[/url], which delves into the history of Phaenyx Ahkotsku, a character in a [url="[url="http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=4532&hl"]http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=4532&hl[/url]"]fantastic epic[/url] by Exo-Zadakh . Enjoy!Few things to know though;1. Length of chapters will be varied as some may contain more action or description then others. I will try and keep the number of short chapters to a minimal though.2. The time difference between each chapter will fluctuate (or, for the younger/not-as-well-read readers, it'll just shift around a lot). I'm writing about certain points in Phaenyx's life; I'm not good enough (nor do I have the patience =P) to write out the whole life story.

 

3. I'll try and keep the unnecessary description out, but I can't promise much - kinda my style. However, there will be a few short text walls. In advance, sorry.


Edited by Phoenixian Wraith, Dec 19 2012 - 07:24 AM.

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#2 Offline Noise #0579

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Posted Sep 14 2012 - 08:47 AM

Sorry I missed this. :PLike I said before, the level of description you used really brings the scene to life, and it carries a tenderness of real life that isn't often seen in Bioni-Lords. I eagerly look forward to more!
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Technic WarzoneGames and Trivia.  Fighters from various Lego lines compete in gladiator games and get to shoot death rays at each other.  Plenty of room for new players!
A Mind in Darkness: Epics.  To reclaim one of Turaga Nokama's Kanohi, Vhisola and Macku form an uneasy alliance and journey into the unknown.  Complete!

*NEW* The Blade of Valor: Short Stories.  When the Spirits of the Elements are in danger, Tahra must take up a legendary weapon and challenge the creature waiting inside Lewa's temple.  Testing a concept, so please respond if you'd like to see more of this.


#3 Offline Phoenixian Wraith

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Posted Sep 15 2012 - 04:48 AM

Eh no worries mate - Next chapter might actually be a while, my comp got virused bout a month ago (naturally, got it back =D) and still trying to get some things sorted out with life... Probably a week from now there'll be a new chapter.
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#4 Offline Noise #0579

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Posted Sep 15 2012 - 09:33 AM

No rush--I can understand needing some time to work on a chapter. :P
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Current Works:
Technic WarzoneGames and Trivia.  Fighters from various Lego lines compete in gladiator games and get to shoot death rays at each other.  Plenty of room for new players!
A Mind in Darkness: Epics.  To reclaim one of Turaga Nokama's Kanohi, Vhisola and Macku form an uneasy alliance and journey into the unknown.  Complete!

*NEW* The Blade of Valor: Short Stories.  When the Spirits of the Elements are in danger, Tahra must take up a legendary weapon and challenge the creature waiting inside Lewa's temple.  Testing a concept, so please respond if you'd like to see more of this.


#5 Offline Keizah the Kaleidoscope

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Posted Sep 16 2012 - 09:55 AM

That...was beautiful. Seriously, I love how you caught the emotion of the scene without using too much "purple" prose. Looking forward to this one, definitely! ^_^
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#6 Offline Phoenixian Wraith

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Posted Sep 21 2012 - 07:44 AM

Aaaaalrighty! Chapter Two is up and about!Quick note is that my chapters will differ in length (and possibly description) from time to time, depending on the time frame - sort've like an Assassin's Creed style memory stream, I guess.Oh and Keizah - Dahecks the "purple prose"?
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#7 Offline Noise #0579

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Posted Sep 21 2012 - 08:38 AM

Hm, I wonder who this mysterious voice belongs to...whoever it is, they do an excellent job of shifting from action to narration and back. I also like the description of the Ahkotsku family tree--it's a far more thought-out structure than the relationships in the main Books.The fight scene was done wonderfully--you provided plenty of description so the reader can visualize what's going on, and we can also feel the confusion and panic of these poor saps getting beaten down. Definitely curious about the exact source of Neiphelm's power.Can't wait to see how things develop!
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Current Works:
Technic WarzoneGames and Trivia.  Fighters from various Lego lines compete in gladiator games and get to shoot death rays at each other.  Plenty of room for new players!
A Mind in Darkness: Epics.  To reclaim one of Turaga Nokama's Kanohi, Vhisola and Macku form an uneasy alliance and journey into the unknown.  Complete!

*NEW* The Blade of Valor: Short Stories.  When the Spirits of the Elements are in danger, Tahra must take up a legendary weapon and challenge the creature waiting inside Lewa's temple.  Testing a concept, so please respond if you'd like to see more of this.


#8 Offline Phoenixian Wraith

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Posted Sep 21 2012 - 05:07 PM

Hehe, only Time will tell... oh, and me of course.
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#9 Offline Keizah the Kaleidoscope

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Posted Sep 30 2012 - 04:11 PM

Oh and Keizah - Dahecks the "purple prose"?

It means distracting details that don't actually support the story. While some purple prose can help break up the action in a story and provide "flavor", too much of it can make one's writing very boring to read. ^_^ ...Oh no, I'm letting my literature nerd show, aren't I? :cry:I like the way you described the family tree, sounds like you have planned this all out very well. Also, kudos on making Neiphelm's mysterious power...well, mysterious and powerful.

Edited by Keizah the Kaleidoscope, Sep 30 2012 - 04:15 PM.

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#10 Offline Phoenixian Wraith

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Posted Sep 30 2012 - 10:55 PM

Ah. Well I learned something new today :biggrin:. Don't worry, showing your nerd-side show is just a sign of being who you are, which is something I support.Thanks, the family tree idea pretty much sneak-attacked me while I was typing... surprised myself when I was finished!Chapter 3 will be out in about a week, week and a half a little longer then that hopefully soon (Curse you Writers Block!), and here's a vague spoiler - we'll see a few members of the other 'branches'.

Edited by Phoenixian Wraith, Oct 23 2012 - 02:05 AM.

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#11 Offline Phoenixian Wraith

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Posted Nov 13 2012 - 08:07 PM

Finally! Chapter 3 is out, after a week-long sickness, Writers Block and plain procrastination. I was gonna do this piece of the plot in one go, but decided to split it up into 3, maybe 4 parts. Enjoy!

Edited by Phoenixian Wraith, Nov 13 2012 - 08:08 PM.

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#12 Offline Noise #0579

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Posted Nov 14 2012 - 02:41 PM

The butler did it. I don't know what 'it' is yet, but the butler is always the one who does it!This is a good set-up, and I'm eager to see just what this party is about. I like the way the family interacts with each other, and I think it'll be interesting to see how things work when the younger brother is more responsible. (I'm wondering if this is somehow related to dealing with his blind eye?) A few paragraphs seemed to have a run-on sentence or two, but otherwise the chapter had a good flow. Well done overall!
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Current Works:
Technic WarzoneGames and Trivia.  Fighters from various Lego lines compete in gladiator games and get to shoot death rays at each other.  Plenty of room for new players!
A Mind in Darkness: Epics.  To reclaim one of Turaga Nokama's Kanohi, Vhisola and Macku form an uneasy alliance and journey into the unknown.  Complete!

*NEW* The Blade of Valor: Short Stories.  When the Spirits of the Elements are in danger, Tahra must take up a legendary weapon and challenge the creature waiting inside Lewa's temple.  Testing a concept, so please respond if you'd like to see more of this.


#13 Offline Phoenixian Wraith

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Posted Dec 19 2012 - 07:32 AM

Yo, Chapter 4. Here we actually meet some of the support characters for future chapters.

 

Exo, I'm afraid that the grown-up party (cos saying adult seems a bit... y'know...) and the children's party are completely different. You are right, of course - seeing in only one eye caused Drey to mature a lot quicker to deal with it... though he isn't unknown for the occasional prank.

 

Keizah... In truth? I threw the family tree thing in there in a spur of the moment. I'm thinking of making a really, really basic website that just has a link to a sketch of the Ahkotsku family tree, along with names and pronunciation. I dunno.

 

Anyways, if there's anything wrong feel free to pick me up on it - a good author is one that accepts criticism and correction with equanimity after all (I have a feeling it'll be the banter between Drey and Phey (Oh wow, I seriously didn't pick up on that 'till I typed it out... just wow.))

 

Oh, and... ###### EXO! DON'T RUIN THE STORY ALREADY! Now I have to change it so the butler DIDN'T do it...


Edited by Phoenixian Wraith, Dec 19 2012 - 07:34 AM.

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#14 Offline Noise #0579

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Posted Dec 19 2012 - 10:30 AM

Drat, I'm not usually right about those things! :P

 

I like that this chapter is very life-like.  Some of these kids seem to have rather intense personalities, but they're still all very believable.  Looking forward to see how they work together.  The boys' utter terror at all the pink also translated very well! :D

Only criticism would be a few grammar things here and there (then instead of than, to instead of too, minor things like that)--this was a very well-made chapter!


Edited by Dinobot Pahrak, Dec 19 2012 - 10:37 AM.

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Current Works:
Technic WarzoneGames and Trivia.  Fighters from various Lego lines compete in gladiator games and get to shoot death rays at each other.  Plenty of room for new players!
A Mind in Darkness: Epics.  To reclaim one of Turaga Nokama's Kanohi, Vhisola and Macku form an uneasy alliance and journey into the unknown.  Complete!

*NEW* The Blade of Valor: Short Stories.  When the Spirits of the Elements are in danger, Tahra must take up a legendary weapon and challenge the creature waiting inside Lewa's temple.  Testing a concept, so please respond if you'd like to see more of this.


#15 Offline Phoenixian Wraith

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Posted Feb 07 2013 - 05:49 AM

Chapter 5, folks. I hate it when my brain finishes the story when I'm not near a computer... It's a pain to dig it back up.


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#16 Offline Noise #0579

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Posted Feb 07 2013 - 03:24 PM

I have to admit, it was satifying to see the arrogant brat get what he deserved. :P The characters are continuing to interact well with each other, and I look forward to seeing what happens next!


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Current Works:
Technic WarzoneGames and Trivia.  Fighters from various Lego lines compete in gladiator games and get to shoot death rays at each other.  Plenty of room for new players!
A Mind in Darkness: Epics.  To reclaim one of Turaga Nokama's Kanohi, Vhisola and Macku form an uneasy alliance and journey into the unknown.  Complete!

*NEW* The Blade of Valor: Short Stories.  When the Spirits of the Elements are in danger, Tahra must take up a legendary weapon and challenge the creature waiting inside Lewa's temple.  Testing a concept, so please respond if you'd like to see more of this.


#17 Offline Phoenixian Wraith

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Posted Feb 07 2013 - 04:14 PM

Thanks... wait till ye see what I got planned for the next chapter - party ain't over yet, just introductions.

 

Also, for the heck of it.

 

Thoughts on our mysterious person?


Edited by Phoenixian Wraith, Feb 07 2013 - 04:15 PM.

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#18 Offline Noise #0579

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Posted Feb 09 2013 - 09:00 AM

No clue, to be honest, but I have no doubt this is someone extremely important.


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Current Works:
Technic WarzoneGames and Trivia.  Fighters from various Lego lines compete in gladiator games and get to shoot death rays at each other.  Plenty of room for new players!
A Mind in Darkness: Epics.  To reclaim one of Turaga Nokama's Kanohi, Vhisola and Macku form an uneasy alliance and journey into the unknown.  Complete!

*NEW* The Blade of Valor: Short Stories.  When the Spirits of the Elements are in danger, Tahra must take up a legendary weapon and challenge the creature waiting inside Lewa's temple.  Testing a concept, so please respond if you'd like to see more of this.


#19 Offline Phoenixian Wraith

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Posted Apr 07 2013 - 05:56 AM

Hey readers, Chapter Six is out and we get a little taste of history. Sorry it's been this long, kinda got wrapped up in Technic Coliseum by Exo/Pahrak. Well, that and the little author in my head is gettin worn out.

 

Anyways, next up will be a good old fashioned duel. Not to the death, let's face it we know who'd win. And there will be a little twist.

 

Exo, I will neither deny nor confirm... just yet. But we will see 'Kage' (just the codename, people, not the actual name - gotta call em somethin' right?) pop into the story soon. 


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#20 Offline Noise #0579

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Posted Apr 07 2013 - 10:39 AM

Nice to see such a detailed history of a family--looks like it's a larger tree than I expected!  Can't wait to see how the fight goes!


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Current Works:
Technic WarzoneGames and Trivia.  Fighters from various Lego lines compete in gladiator games and get to shoot death rays at each other.  Plenty of room for new players!
A Mind in Darkness: Epics.  To reclaim one of Turaga Nokama's Kanohi, Vhisola and Macku form an uneasy alliance and journey into the unknown.  Complete!

*NEW* The Blade of Valor: Short Stories.  When the Spirits of the Elements are in danger, Tahra must take up a legendary weapon and challenge the creature waiting inside Lewa's temple.  Testing a concept, so please respond if you'd like to see more of this.


#21 Offline The Dandy Automaton

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Posted May 08 2013 - 02:24 PM

  Hey there, Phoenixian Wrath. Automaton here on behalf of the ECC to deliver you with one, hopefully informative review and critique! Before I begin I hope you’ll forgive me in how frustratingly late you must find this but, while it’s no excuse I should just say that I’ve been trying to work through some stuff of my own lately, on and off BZPower and I had actually read your story a while before. So without further ado, let us begin.

 

  So, what is there to say? Well, first of all I hope you’ll understand that while a lot of the forthcoming points may seem negative, this is obviously a critique and there’s no point being a critic if I only point out the positives. And from that rather sombre start allow me to jump straight into the crux of the matter which is the fact that as a prologue to a story I’ve never read, I have no clue what’s going on.

 

  What’s a Bioni-Lord? Who are the Ahkotsku’s? Where is this world set? Earth? The future? Why do they speak plain English, yet at times Dreykin will address his brother as “Niisan” and Phaenyx attack people by calling them a “bakayarō”. What does any of this have to do with Bionicle? These are all questions I found myself asking throughout the course of your story, and I’m aware that none of this is your fault because you’re simply basing your works off of a pre-existing piece. Yet you ought to consider that for those of us that haven’t read the previous epic, all of this will be a completely new experience and you ought to take the chance to introduce us to the ins and outs while at the same time appealing to that nostalgic feeling for returning readers. I might be harping on about this a lot but, the second to last point is one that niggled at me the most. Under what circumstances do the brothers use Japanese terms in conversation? Is it a part of the culture of whatever world these people exist in or have they just been watching so much Anime it’s kind of melded into their perception of how people talk?

 

  Another thing I feel the need to encourage is to try to paint your characters with a little more subtlety. Have characters, not archetypes. In particular I’m thinking of Tiotae whose introduction was so over the top I had to pause because I was blown   away by his ego, which can in some ways be considered a compliment and can in others be worthy of criticism. My main complaint with that would have to be the fact that it wouldn’t make sense for him to behave this way going by how you present his personality to be. I mean, just think about it.

 

“I demand you get me one glass of lemonade this instant!”

 

If he really were accustomed to living the life of a pampered brat then there would be no need for him to behave in such a cold and forceful manner. He wouldn’t feel the need to use such brash words as “demand” or commands like “this instant”. Logically he’d think the servant was hired to provide him with lemonade at his very beck and call and so wouldn’t waste his energy on them when he could have just said “Waiter, get me a lemonade”, or “Waiter, lemonade.” No pleases to suggest he is something of a git, just a short, brisk command. Maybe he might behave a little more aggressive upon the first refusal but until then he ought to expect to receive what he desires, without any resistance whatsoever. Now, this is just one case but I would suggest that you apply it across to all of your characters in whatever way you can. Not all of them require this, far from it. Characters like the mother and father are interesting in their enigmatic way and I’d love to see you building up the relationship between them. There’s a lot of potential to be had in these characters and I think you could have good fun in trying to bring them to their peak. All you need to do is just remember to flesh them out and make them more three dimensional than a simple command as characterisation.

 

  Now, what next? Hm…Ah, yes, your prose! Despite a few hiccups in structure and a couple of the odd typos, you’re fairly set as far as your writing is concerned. During the earlier chapters my biggest complaint was that you were often –too- descriptive, which is hilarious given the opposite is my usual complaint. What I mean was that whenever you described something, it was always “heavy as” or “bright as” or “strong as”. There were similes and metaphors flying all over the place to the point where it actually began to break the flow somewhat. Is that still a prominent problem later on? Why, not at all. I’m pleased to see it’s at least somewhat dissipated as the story has gone on. While at some stages it might be prominent but not to any notable degree. This is a problem that you appear to have fixed yourself and I commend you for that. Good job.

 

  So then, that’s basically all there is to say. As most do, your story has potential and with a little bit of polish and finesse you can certainly take it on that pathway. Just keep going, think about the logic behind your choices and above all have fun with what you’re doing. Good job and good luck.

 

  -Automaton.


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Chapter four - Desire

Coming soon!

Short Stories: The Commute ~ Rasinov ~ In Your Absence ~ Hunter's Game ~ Suchia (Coming soon)

Epics: The Best Kept Secrets (Chapter 27: The Shadow Walker coming soon) ~ The Shadow of this Red Rock


#22 Offline Phoenixian Wraith

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Posted May 17 2013 - 06:11 AM

Hm, yeah I do see where you're looking from - my fault for seeing it from the view of a fan of someone else's work (which, if you'll forgive me, isn't ENTIRELY a bad thing - just something to keep in mind... Obviously something I failed to do). There aren't a lot (if any) Bionicle references and there's no actual prologue to the story in general. I think I'll take the next week-to-month (and I'm serious - my brain can't remind me to do squat at any. Dang. Time. Ever) to tweak my story a tad, add a more descriptive prologue.

 

For the language confusion, I do confess myself a beginning Otaku (Fanboy of Anime, if I remember right... chances are it's wrong, naturally) and so a lot of the story ideas going through my head have a manga/anime vibe to them, with interspersed Japanese that I've picked up from English Subbed anime.

 

As to Tiotae... I kinda wanted him to just be a prick. I'd been thinking of a character design that would set the main character off and FWIT! An pompous, arrogant brat that has no real manners swirled out of the depths of that room of towering paper that the author in me resides. Having read yours, and others opinion on him, I most likely was a tad harsh on the kid. I will try and, I quote,

flesh them out

(See what I did there? Ahehehe... (Yeah, I'm a bit of a humor monger - shout out to my parents ^.^))

 

I am glad that you noticed that my description was dropping, because honestly I didn't. I will try and keep it necessary, but I'm, by nature, a descriptive person (blame the person that taught my class poetry -.-). As I said, however, I will keep it toned down.

 

Well, I'll re-read your review a few times, tweak here and there on my story and post the finished product in due time.

 

Once again, thank you for taking the time to read my story. And, possibly, my reply to your review, hehe.


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