the story of mata nui Review

[bohrokmaster]

This is the story of Mata nui review. If you want to read my story, click here. Here, you can review my topic. Please comment and let me know what you think. Thank you

Edited August 22, 2012 by bohrokmaster

[Aderia]

Hello bohrokmaster :)I have a review for your epic. Actually, to be technical, I have two. The first one, a more shallow one focusing on nitpicks, I have here. (this technique of reviewing is new to me, using Dropbox and the reviewing software on Microsoft Word, it was actually introduced to me in a review I recently received, and I found it exponentially helpful.)If you have Microsoft Word on your computer, I recommend downloading to make the review easier to get through. If not, though, I don't think you'll have a problem getting through it in the preview window. I exanded on a few nitpicks from the word document below, since the comments were a bit lengthy.[Corresponding to Comment 012]

he believes I have the power to manipulate or controlling their world, but I have no powers to rule orbringing command to their homeworld universe.

‘he’ needs caps, first off. Secondly, there is a start of a new paragraph in the middle of a sentence again, which is unnecessary. Next, ‘homeworld’ is not a word, I suggest you split it with a space or a hyphen. Lastly, the phrase 'home-world universe' is repetitive. You only need one of those words. Pick your favorite.[Corresponding with Comment 013]

my only power is to give life and save dying worlds and broken planets.

Besides the fact that ‘my’ needs capitalized, this sentence directly contradicts another one. Mata Nui clearly stated earlier in the story that he doesn’t’ have any powers. But this sentence describes his powers.[Corresponding with Comment 015]

I began to fall and lose control and the gravity of the nearest planet, aqua magna, pulled me in and my body crash landed on aqua magna the ocean planet, my crash landing caused an earthquake to the matoran universe, inside of my robot body.

Aqua Magna needs capitalized. 'to' is a strange word choice, as well. This is also a huge run on sentence, there is a lot of unnecessary repetition. I personally think it would read better as "I began to fall and lose control. The gravity of the nearest ocean planet, Aqua Magna, pulled me in. My crash landing caused an earthquake throughout the Matoran Universe." The last few words, 'inside my robot body' are not needed, since you've already stated several times by this point that the Matoran Universe is inside his robot body. [Correspondding with Comment 018]

my crash landing accidently triggered my camouflage system, by using leaked, energised protodermis to create the tropical island of mata nui to cover my robotic face.

Same deal, capitalize the first word in the sentence here. Also, a bit of variety when describing aspects of Mata Nui would be nice. You’ve used the word ‘robotic’ and its relatives a bit too much for my liking.[Corresponding with Comment 019]

When the toa nuva revived me and reawakened me by using the mask of life, my robot body rose and the islands inside me pulled up from my back.

This was just a horribly worded sentence. For one, 'Toa Nuva' and 'Mask of Life' should be capitalized. Second, a bit of clarification is needed. When you said that the Toa Nuva revived and reawakened Mata Nui, my first instinct was to call you out for being redundant. But then I realized you were referencing two different events. '...revived me, and later reawakened me using the Mask of Life', or something to that effect, would make the sentence read more smoothly. And the last part. '...my robot body rose and the islands inside me pulled up from my back.' I honestly have no clue what that's supposed to mean. The islands were pulling him up off of his back? What?[Corresponding with Comment 023]

my people: the toa and the matoran, are my best friends and my greatest allies. the toa and the matoran honor me and respected me because of my benevolent rule and my wisdom of kindness.

Bolded words, take a wild guess what they need. Yup, capitalization, you got it. '...honor me and respected me', is strange. You have two verbs in one sentence, but they are in different tenses. '...honored me and respected me' or '...honor me and respect me', depending on what you're meaning to say. Also, I don't think the repetition of the word 'me after each verb is required. And what the heck is a 'wisdom of kindness'? Did you mean 'wisdom -and- kindness', maybe? The colon, also, would function better in this case as a comma. In summation, a majority of these nitpicks were two kinds of capitalization errors. The first kind of errors were not consistent, though. Most times, you did capitalize the word 'I' and the first words in sentences. Only on occasion, you did not. This leads me to believe, as I mentioned before, that this is a lack of proofreading. As I also stated before, if you have Microsoft Word installed on your computer, I recommend writing up your story on a document there, it's software is awesome for catching technical things like that. The second bit of capitalization that needs addressing is the proper nouns from the Bionicle Universe. 'Toa', 'Matoran', 'Rahi', 'Makuta', 'Mata Nui', 'Voya Nui', Karda Nui', and so on, are all proper nouns, and should be capitalized as such. Another recurring issue I found was run on sentences. A sentence is a group of words that is complete in itself, and expresses a complete thought. Anything more than that, more than one thought, can more than likely be sheared off into a separate sentence. This is beneficial for the sake of clarity, saving the reader confusion. One last thing about the nitpicks. Description variety. You definitely can work on that. While the descriptions you have were decent and did a good job of getting your point across, as the story went along, I noticed a blatant lack of variations in these descriptions. According to Google, there are at least 100,000 adjectives in the English Language. I suggest you take better advantage of them. For example, and I may have pointed this out before, but just for emphasis, you used the word 'robotic' or something of the like, about 14 different times within your story. Since the story isn't actually that long yet, I'd call it fair, saying you over used the word 'robot'Anyways, with those particulars out of the way, on to the actual story. You gave us here a compact little summary of the existence of Mata Nui. I actually thought it was a short story while I was reading it, a single chapter story. While it was short and sweet, I have to wonder what the rest of your story will be about, since this first chapter didn't really hint at what may be yet to come in this epic. It's nice to have the title, 'Story of Mata Nui', come in to play so early on, although it looks like you had some more capitalization errors while typing that in too =/One very last thing, for the sake of making your readers' lives easier, I suggest putting a link to your story in you review topic, for when your story and review topics get separated. It makes it a lot easier to find. Edited August 18, 2012 by Aderia

[bohrokmaster]

thanks, I'll keep that in mind!