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Hordika


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#1 Offline Rampant

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Posted Aug 17 2012 - 05:45 PM

The Toa of Fire hung, suspended between two cliffs in a cocoon made of a strong green web. He wasn't afraid; He had resigned himself long ago to the fact that he would have to die eventually. And now, his time had finally come. His one regret was that he had not seen his last mission through, but he was confident his team would do it for him. They had come to the island to try to run off an infestation of Visorak. They had done it before, but this time they decided to do what no other Toa would. They had seen the two beings that led the Visorak, and this time, they were going to kill them. They all knew the drill, if one got captured, the others were to retreat. When he was caught the others followed the orders immediately. And this was the result. He knew what came next; a horrible and most likely mind-altering mutation and he could already feel it starting. He felt one arm become a warped, twisted version of itself, while the other stayed the same as it had been. He could feel his face lengthening into something similar to a Rahkshi. And he felt two large Things sprouting out of his back. Then suddenly it all stopped. He thought back, once again, to his teammates, those horrible disloyal teammates that had left him behind to die. Well it was time he showed them their mistake. He was something new now; part Toa, Part Rahi, completely and entirely insane.

* * *

This is my first story on BZP, please tell me what you think of it.

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#2 Offline Loading...

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Posted Aug 29 2012 - 10:41 PM

I'm certainly no expert, but personally I thought your story was good considering its shortness. I would have enjoyed it if there had been more to it.Also, as a question, near the beginning of the story the main character makes it sound as though he saw his fellow Toas' retreat as part of their agreed plan, but at the end he calls then traitors. This seems contradictory. I take it that the change could easily be explained as part of his mutation, but I thought I would ask.Once again though, pretty nice job. Keep improving.
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#3 Offline Rampant

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Posted Sep 01 2012 - 05:23 PM

You are right, the change is due to his mutation.
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