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Memory (Memoirs of the Dead Entry)


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#1 Offline Exitium

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Posted Aug 18 2012 - 05:41 PM

Memory

 

It is midnight on Odina. Despite the darkness, the stars light my way down to the beach that now bears my name. As I listen to the silence of the night, broken only by the occasional sound of the wind, I think back on the circumstances that brought me here. I also ponder my next mission, which will take me back to the place where my former life ended and this living nightmare began.

 

My name is Nidhiki. With a smile, I remember when I was a Toa of Air once, one of the guardians of the Trem Krom Peninsula, a place so inhospitable to life I often questioned why Matoran bothered to live there. Although I had no particular attachment to my home, I felt some naïve duty to defend it. It was there, not far from the acid falls, that I first encountered the Dark Hunters.

 

The first attack struck a village on the other side of the peninsula. Within days another village fell, followed by another. No one from my homeland had previously crossed paths with the Dark Hunters, so my team of Toa assigned me to negotiate with them. Perhaps “team” is the wrong word. We had only worked together on a few occasions, but from time to time the others insisted that we band together because that is what Toa do. As a novice Toa, I had no idea that teams of Toa merely make for bigger targets.

 

As I soon learned, dealing with Dark Hunters is more difficult than it may sound. Unprepared for a fight, I was quickly captured and beaten by a tall figure with black armor, whose codename I later learned was Savage. The Dark Hunter known only as Mimic eventually put a stop to his partner’s brutality and asked me why I was there. He sighed when I explained that I was there to bargain with them.

 

“Dark Hunters do not negotiate,” he said flatly. “We have been hired to eliminate several targets in the nearby villages, and that is exactly what we must do. The final strike is tonight on the village at the tip of the peninsula, and although you are not a target, I am not sure I can prevent my teammate from flexing his muscles before the raid.”

 

“If you flex your muscles now, you’ll be exhausted by the time you’re done with my team of Toa,” I shot back, my bravado belying my nerves. “You may kill me, but how many Toa can you face before we bring you down?”

 

Mimic did not look pleased taking demands from a Toa. However, he had no particular hatred of Toa and no desire to do any more than he had been ordered to do.

 

“There will be enough death tonight,” he said with weary resignation, cutting the ropes that bound my hand. “Aside from our target, the other villages are safe as long as you and your companions remain far away from the Dark Hunters.”

 

Naturally, I shared this information with the rest of the Toa. Instead of thanking Mata Nui for sparing them, they decided to defend the nearby village in defiance of the Dark Hunters. As a noble warrior of Mata Nui, I ran headlong into the targeted village with them. My comrades expected the mere sight of Toa to send our enemies scurrying, but I secretly hoped that we would have the opportunity to face them in battle.

 

We thought the Dark Hunters would target only one or two Matoran. We thought there were only two of them. We did not know that they intended to raze the whole village. We did not know that there were far more than two of them.

 

Within minutes of our arrival, someone doused the torches, and the village descended into panic. The screams of Matoran and Toa alike filled the air as the Dark Hunters struck from the shadows, swiftly eliminating the other Toa. By the time the Dark Hunters set the huts ablaze and illuminated the village, I was the only Toa still standing.

 

I contemplated summoning a windstorm to put out the blaze, but it was too late to save the village. Outnumbered by the remaining Dark Hunters, I decided instead to save myself so I could live to fight another day. Activating my Mask of Stealth, I disappeared into the shadows, vowing vengeance on the Dark Hunters.

 

I hated myself for retreating, but sometimes you have to make difficult decisions in order to survive. Even if we had known the Dark Hunters’ numbers, we still would have foolishly attacked them. That was a poor decision, and on the night my first team fell, I learned that a valiant Toa is a foolish Toa, and a foolish Toa is a dead Toa.

 

As the years turned to centuries, I continued to remain on the Trem Krom Peninsula, drifting from village to village and adapting my fighting style. Relying more on my mask, I began to strike from the darkness and use stealth to my advantage. I had no love of my homeland, but I remained nonetheless, secretly hoping that the Dark Hunters would return to finish the job. Then perhaps I could use their strengths against them.

 

One day the news arrived that the Kanohi Dragon was once again attacking Metru Nui. I had met Turaga Dume in the past, and I did not mind an excuse to leave the Tren Krom Peninsula, but I had a different reason to travel to Metru Nui. Although I had no proof at the time, I thought that the Dark Hunters may have been involved.

 

The Dark Hunters were indeed behind the attack, but I had to wait before getting my hands on my enemies. The other ten Toa who fought the Kanohi Dragon with me decided to stay in Metru Nui, which suited me just fine. I was happy to remain there, knowing that the Dark Hunters would not rest until they had captured the city. After a thousand years, the Dark Hunters made their move.

 

I was the only Toa who celebrated (albeit privately) when the Dark Hunters invaded the city. The first attack ignited a spark within me that I had not felt in years. While I enjoyed the chance to strike back at my enemies, to atone for my foolishness, the Dark Hunters were winning a war that we should have won easily.

 

Near the end of the war, I was patrolling the city outside the Coliseum when I spotted a figure on the rooftops. Activating my Mask of Stealth, I snuck around behind the figure to get a better look at him. I could not believe my luck when I recognized him as Mimic.

 

Smiling to myself as I approached the moment of my retribution, I aimed my scythe at the Dark Hunter, bombarding him with a gust of wind. My attack knocked him off the rooftop, but he landed nimbly on his feet on the street below. He charged in the direction of my attack, but I had already faded back into the shadows. I quickly repositioned myself and hurled another blast of wind, knocking Mimic off his feet.

 

Believing that I had him subdued, I deactivated my mask so Mimic could see me and know that the novice Toa who had once fled from the Dark Hunters in disgrace had now defeated him in battle. It took him a moment, but the light of recognition entered his eyes.

 

“I see you have twice failed to heed my warning,” he replied, shaking his head sadly. “You’ve involved yourself in yet another conflict that does not concern you.”

 

“I don’t really care about this city or its inhabitants,” I replied, “but I always enjoy a chance to flex my muscles whenever your kind rears its ugly head.”

 

Mimic slowly stood up, leaving his sword on the ground and holding his hands in a nonthreatening manner. “I am merely doing a job,” he said. “I have no love of the Dark Hunters, and it doesn’t matter to me whether their schemes succeed or fail. I’m only fighting for them because they offered me something in return, something I desperately want. In that way, we are not as different as you think.”

 

I tightened my grip on my scythe. “I am nothing like you,” I spat. “I fight for a noble cause: to rid the universe of trash like you. You mercenaries will never understand that.”

 

“Perhaps not,” Mimic replied. Before I could react, he moved with lightning speed, grabbing his weapon from the ground and knocking me back with one motion. He stood over me, sword raised for the finishing blow.

 

I took a deep breath and then used my powers to suck the air out of the immediate area, leaving Mimic gasping for breath. Concentrating on my powers and struggling to control my anger, I then redirected that air back at Mimic, leaving him stunned on the ground near me. Pleased with myself, I subdued my prisoner and bound his hands.

 

"You are fighting a futile war,” Mimic said as he came to, no longer trying to resist. “Although fate has placed us on opposite sides of this conflict, I must warn you that against the Dark Hunters, your morals alone will not be enough to save your city."

 

Long after I locked up Mimic with the other Dark Hunters we had captured, I was still thinking about his words. As much as the Toa did not want to admit it, we were losing this war. The heroes of the day could not stand up to the villains of the night if we allowed our values, our naïve insistence on fighting fairly and sparing our enemies, to weaken us.

 

I knew Lhikan would never abandon his principles, even for the greater good. He would sacrifice himself, the Matoran, and the city, and console himself that at least he still had his morals. The thing about morals, though, is that they don’t do you much good when you’re dead.

 

It was clear that we needed a way to end the war as quickly as possible. As much as I wanted to crush the Dark Hunters, if we continued this fight, they would overwhelm the Toa, and the city would be lost. Thinking back to the time I first fought the Dark Hunters, I started thinking of unorthodox ways to win the war. I understood that the ends always justify the means.

 

So when Lariska offered me Metru Nui in exchange for the Toa, I took it. The Dark Hunters would be gone, the Matoran would still have me to protect them, and Dume (whose stubborn defiance started this pointless war in the first place) would be dead. I might even have been able to negotiate to keep the Toa alive. As thanks, Lhikan branded me a traitor and threatened to kill me if I remained on the island. Even if he had not staged his own counter ambush, the war still would have ended on that day due to my actions. I made the difficult decision to end the war and save lives, but Lhikan would not have it. Doing the right thing was too important to him, even if it meant the death of everyone he cared about. One day, that foolishness will cost him.

 

That day, the sun set on my time as a Toa, leaving me with nothing but my memories of glory. For almost two millennia now, I have served the hunters. Like Mimic, I have no loyalty to them beyond what they can offer me. No longer able to strike at the Dark Hunters, my only care in life was that I could fight back against the Toa and show them the errors of their ways. None of my assignments particularly interested me except the one I have just been given.

 

The Shadowed One never tolerates failure, but he was unusually clear that we were not to fail this mission. He explained in detail how Eliminator was to ambush and kill the remaining Toa Mangai while my moronic partner Krekka and I were to patrol the city and recover the Great Disks.

 

“The Brotherhood of Makuta is one of our most important clients,” the Shadowed One explained to the three of us. “They are most displeased with your failure to protect the Mask of Light, but they are willing to give you a second chance and requested you specifically for this task. Do not fail me, for if you do and the Toa do not kill you, I will bring the full might of the Dark Hunters down on you.” The Shadowed One turned his head and stared at me with cold eyes. “I doubt your return to Metru Nui will be a happy one, Nidhiki,” he continued. “I do not expect any feelings you may have for your former allies to get in the way.”

 

I looked down at my disgusting form and clenched my claws. In the space of two thousand years I had lost so much. Now it was time for revenge.

 

“Of course not,” I replied. “I’ve waited for this moment for a long time.”

 

Our mission begins at dawn, but I am not able to sleep. The thought of punishing Lhikan for his betrayal appeals to me, but somehow I wonder if I can bring myself to kill him. I never realized how much I needed the fellowship and sense of purpose I felt as a Toa. I did not know it then, but when I was a Toa in Metru Nui, I was happy. I may have fallen since then, but I made the right decision, and there is no going back now.

 

Or is there? After all, Roodaka is probably still alive, and even in this form I could overpower her and force her to change me back into a Toa. I had never dreamed of returning to my former life, but then again, I had never imagined that I would ever see Metru Nui again. Tomorrow, I will see the skyline of the City of Legends for the first time in two millennia.

 

Wondering if there is a chance I can relive my days in the sun, I watch as the first rays of dawn rise over the silver sea, and a new day begins.

 

 

Partly inspired by “Memory” from Cats. Music by Andrew Lloyd-Webber and lyrics by Trevor Nunn.


Edited by Exitium, Dec 11 2013 - 12:01 AM.

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#2 Offline Toa Lhikan Hordika

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Posted Aug 18 2012 - 08:51 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: No inaccuracies or errors were found in your entry. Unless another judge or member finds a problem later, your entry is likely to go on to the polls.I like this entry very much. You did a great job keeping it nice and simple, which probably helped avoiding any conflict with the Bionicle story canon. In fact, you followed the canon very well. We'll see what the other judges say, but as I stated above, I think this has a good chance of making it to the polls. Very good job :happy: !- :t::l::h:
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#3 Offline Infrared

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Posted Aug 18 2012 - 10:07 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.Good job! :)Things that I'm uncertain about are red, so please ignore them until another judge or I confirm that they should in fact be changed.

Despite the darkness, a full moon lights my way down to the beach that now bears my name.

I'm not sure if you could see a moon in the Matoran Universe.... Perhaps if you say "the stars light my way" instead it would be better.

We had only worked together on a few occasions, but from time to time they insisted that we band together because that is what Toa do.

The change from "we" to "they" might be a bit awkward. If you replace "they" with "the others" it might be better.

Within minutes of our arrival, someone doused the lights, and the village descended into panic.

I don't know if the Matoran referred to Lightstones as lights informally, but it might be better to change it to the former just in case. :)

One day the news arrived that the Kanohi Dragon was once again attacking Metru Nui, a city which had somehow survived for most of its long history without any Toa to protect it.

Maybe if you add "local" before the "Toa" it would be better, because I think that Toa might have visited it before (to stop the Kanohi Dragon originally).

The rumors were indeed true, but I had to wait before getting my hands on my enemies.

I don't know if the Toa knew that the Dark Hunters released the Kanohi Dragon or not.

Taking a deep breath, I sucked the air out of the immediate area, leaving Mimic gasping for breath.

I'm not sure if Nidhiki actually inhaled the air or if he simply moved it out of the way and took a breath before doing that.... If it's meant to be the former, I don't know if Toa of Air can do that or not.... If it's the latter, however, maybe if you reword it a little bit it would make it more clear....

“You can try all you want to win this war” Mimic said as he came to, “but your morals make you weak, and this city will fall.”

I think that there should be a comma after "war" and before the quotation mark....

The thing about morals though, is that they don’t do you much good when you’re dead.

I think that it might be better if there are commas both before and after the "though" (but I might be wrong).

That day, the sun set on my time as a Toa, leaving me with nothing but my memoires of glory.

I think that "memoires" should be "memories."

He explained in detail how Eliminator was to ambush and kill remaining the Toa Mangai while my cool dude partner, Krekka, and I were to patrol the city and recover the Great Disks.

The word filter filtered out a word in this sentence.... Perhaps if you use a different word it would be better. :)

Our mission begins tomorrow at dawn, but I am not able to sleep.

It might be better if you remove "tomorrow," because at the end of the story it is the next day but this is close to the ending, and there is nothing indicating a great passage of time between this and the ending.... :)

Wondering if there is a chance I can relive my days in the sun, I watch as the first rays of dawn rise over the silver sea, and a new day begins.

I don't know if there are objects visible in the sky beside stars anywhere besides Metru Nui....Also, it might be good to elaborate upon Savage's mutation and why that might make Mimic want to let him attack Nidhiki, but that might be unnecessary.

Edited by Infrared, Aug 18 2012 - 10:23 PM.

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#4 Offline Exitium

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Posted Aug 18 2012 - 11:40 PM

Thanks, Infrared, I made most of the changes you suggested, but I would like to make a few comments.

Maybe if you add "local" before the "Toa" it would be better, because I think that Toa might have visited it before (to stop the Kanohi Dragon originally).

I left this as is because while we know there were some Toa in Metru Nui, I'm pretty sure Metru Nui spent most (not all) of its history up until this point with no Toa to protect it. Here's what BS01 has to say:

The Toa were the main protectors of Metru Nui, though before the second appearance of the Kanohi Dragon, there was no need for them. Metru Nui once even hosted over 300 Toa. Throughout history, it was protected by the Toa Mangai, the Toa Metru, the Toa Nuva, Toa Takanuva, the Toa Mahri (excluding Matoro) and most recently, the Toa Hagah. Metru Nui was guarded by the Toa Hagah and Gali Nuva until they evacuated to the surface of Spherus Magna due to the damage done to the city.

If you still think that's a problem, I can remove it, since it's just a minor sentence.

I don't know if the Toa knew that the Dark Hunters released the Kanohi Dragon or not.

They did in fact know that the Dark Hunters were behind it. In Legacy of Evil, the Toa Mangai encounter Reidok, Vezok, and Avak in Turaga Dume's chambers soon after they release the Kanohi Dragon. Both Dume and Nidhiki identify them as Dark Hunters.

"I should have guessed," [Dume] said, rising. "The Kanohi Dragon is the weapon, but the hand that wields it belongs to the Shadowed One."

"You didn't tell us you had Dark Hunters visiting," said Nidhiki, Toa of Air.

The word filter filtered out a word in this sentence.... Perhaps if you use a different word it would be better. :)

Ironically, Nidhiki uses this word to describe Krekka in Birth of a Dark Hunter. I changed it to something more acceptable.

I don't know if there are objects visible in the sky beside stars anywhere besides Metru Nui....

I'm pretty sure the other domes had some form of artificial light source that the inhabitants of the MU referred to as a "sun." Here's a quote from The Mutran Chronicles:

Instead, the rays of the sun focused through the bodies of the snakes promptly incinerated Kojol’s entire first wave.

Also, it might be good to elaborate upon Savage's mutation and why that might make Mimic want to let him attack Nidhiki, but that might be unnecessary.

Savage is mostly just there for foreshadowing (since he's another former Toa who joins the Dark Hunters), but I think elaborating on him detracts from the plot, so I think I'm going to leave it as is. Most of these are fairly minor, so if you need me to change anything else, I should be able to do so without too much trouble

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#5 Offline Toa Makao

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Posted Aug 19 2012 - 01:29 AM

I do feel that tying it into RL stuff like Les Miserables probably won't be accepted, for example, the quote at the start probably couldn't be included in the finished entry. Partially because it is a real life thing, and partially because it inserts a reference to Christianity into the entry (the latter might just be my instinctive dislike of things having unneccesary religious references).

Edited by Toa Makao, Aug 19 2012 - 01:30 AM.

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#6 Offline The First Speaker

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Posted Aug 19 2012 - 03:45 AM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

Those who follow the path of the righteous / Shall have their reward / And if they fall / As Lucifer fell / The flame / The sword!”

Les Miserables

This is the part that I've got the biggest problem with. As Toa Makao said, real life quotes like these should not be allowed. I presonally would have no problem with it if this was meant to be a fanon story, but if it has to compete to be canon then it should be taken away.Other than that, I liked a lot the transition from being a valiant Toa to a pragmatic Toa, and also his comparsion with Mimic. But there seemed to be something lacking in this story; while most of Nidhiki's important events are detailed in the story, his mutation is almost omitted, mentioned only at the endd. I suppose it would have to be more important, and also it wouldn't hurt to have Nidhiki write about how he felt when he was mutated, maybe as a culmination of the process that had started the night the village had been ravaged.

Edited by Mr. Hyde, Aug 19 2012 - 03:47 AM.

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#7 Offline Yaldabaoth

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Posted Aug 19 2012 - 08:42 AM

I really do like this entry; it lends some extra depth to Nidhiki as a character and especially his mission in Metru Nui; it's actually rather sad to hear his plans for the mission, knowing it will end in his death.My biggest problem is a subjective one; I don't really agree with your characterization of Mimic. I always saw him as a more naive and trusting individual, though it's not unrealistic to believe his years as a Dark Hunter would harden him beyond his original motivation. Actually, when I first read through the story, I mistakenly thought you were referring to Minion, rather than Mimic. Although Minion's never been known to talk, I think this demeanor would fit him more than Mimic. But this is all my personal interpretation of a character who's never actually shown a personality, so it's not an actual problem with the story.
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#8 Offline fishers64

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Posted Aug 19 2012 - 11:50 AM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: No inaccuracies or errors were found in your entry. Unless another judge or member finds a problem later, your entry is likely to go on to the polls.I don't expressly have a problem with the Les Miserables quote, as long as we're clear that the quote is not canon under any circumstances. I don't think the quote is necessary, however, and I have trouble tying it into the story, so best to remove it anyway. :)Basically, I found the story to be a nice expansion on the character of Nidihiki and nicely explained the rational behind his actions. Nothing particularly new or flashy, but in this contest that's what you probably want. Nicely done.
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#9 Offline Takhamavahu

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Posted Aug 19 2012 - 12:49 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.This one is really good. You really did your homework on the little canon details and there are only a few loose ends to clean up.I love the sympathetic portrayal of Nidhiki. Too often in BIONICLE, the characters are either good or evil and there aren't nearly enough stories that look at it from another perspective. You've done that wonderfully in Nidhiki's justification of his betrayal and in his hopes for the future.How were the lightstones doused all at once? I can't find a source which specifies how a lightstone is turned on or off, but if the dark hunters needed the lights off to attack the village, I doubt they were stealth enough to go turn them all off one by one.Even if the Toa later figured out that the Kanohi Dragon was released by the Dark Hunters, they wouldn't have known at the time that they were called.Metru Nui didn't have its own Toa team untill the Toa Mangai, but they did frequently call on Toa from abroad, such as the Toa who defeated the Kanohi Dragon it's first time.Mimic's involvement in the Dark Hunters is a tragic story born out of love, and I think they way he talks in this story sounds like he's gotten too much into the rhythm of Dark Hunter life. He sounds like he enjoys being violent and aggresive they way most Dark Hunters do, but personally, I think given what we know about him, that attitude doesn't suit his character. I'd have played him as more sad and resigned, personally. What he says in your story reflects this, but (maybe it's just me) I think they way he says it and the way he talks and acts, do not.The Les Miserables quote is lovely, and if you'd like to put it alongside your entry, that's fine, but it does not belong as part of the entry itself.And I thought I'd found another, bigger problem, but it was actually a mistake on BS01! :tounge:

Edited by Takhamavahu, Aug 19 2012 - 12:58 PM.

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#10 Offline Exitium

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Posted Aug 19 2012 - 12:58 PM

I had never intended the quote to be canon, and I was rather fond of it myself, but since enough people have commented on it, I have removed it.

But there seemed to be something lacking in this story; while most of Nidhiki's important events are detailed in the story, his mutation is almost omitted, mentioned only at the endd. I suppose it would have to be more important, and also it wouldn't hurt to have Nidhiki write about how he felt when he was mutated, maybe as a culmination of the process that had started the night the village had been ravaged.

Is this something that needs to be "fixed" before this entry can onto the polls? I feel like this is more of a subjective critique than a canon one. In the first draft or two, I actually had a paragraph about his transformation, but I removed it because it was awkward and didn't fit thematically with the rest of the story. We already know about his transformation and that he hated it, and this story is really more about Nidhiki's inner changes than his physical ones.

My biggest problem is a subjective one; I don't really agree with your characterization of Mimic. I always saw him as a more naive and trusting individual, though it's not unrealistic to believe his years as a Dark Hunter would harden him beyond his original motivation.

As naive and trusting as Mimic is, he did agree to join a gang of thieves and murderers willingly. That said, I tried to make it clear that Mimic was simply doing his job and was not actually evil. Thanks for the comments everyone, they've been quite helpful. :)EDIT: Didn't notice Takhamavahu's comment.

How were the lightstones doused all at once? I can't find a source which specifies how a lightstone is turned on or off, but if the dark hunters needed the lights off to attack the village, I doubt they were stealth enough to go turn them all off one by one.

The only reference to lightstones being turned off is in The Many Deaths of Toa Tuyet, in which they are simply said to be "doused." I changed the word "lighstones" to "torches" to avoid any confusion.

Even if the Toa later figured out that the Kanohi Dragon was released by the Dark Hunters, they wouldn't have known at the time that they were called.

You got me there. I changed it so that Nidhiki now merely suspects that the Dark Hunters are behind the attack.

Metru Nui didn't have its own Toa team untill the Toa Mangai, but they did frequently call on Toa from abroad, such as the Toa who defeated the Kanohi Dragon it's first time.

Here's a quote from Legends of Evil:

Destroying the island and its inhabitants would be an act of madness. Therefore there had never been a need for the Toa to maintain a presence in the city.

I still maintain that Metru Nui did not have any Toa for most of its history, but I've removed the offending sentence anyway because you're the second judge to comment on it, and it really doesn't add anything to the story.

Mimic's involvement in the Dark Hunters is a tragic story born out of love, and I think they way he talks in this story sounds like he's gotten too much into the rhythm of Dark Hunter life. He sounds like he enjoys being violent and aggresive they way most Dark Hunters do, but personally, I think given what we know about him, that attitude doesn't suit his character. I'd have played him as more sad and resigned, personally. What he says in your story reflects this, but (maybe it's just me) I think they way he says it and the way he talks and acts, do not.

Again, is this something that must be changed, or is this just your perspective? I feel like we all have different opinions of Mimic given what little information we know about him, but I don't really see anything in this story that makes him aggressive. As he points out, he's simply carrying out his orders and nothing more, which is why he initially decides to spare Nidhiki.

Edited by Exitium, Aug 19 2012 - 01:20 PM.

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#11 Offline The First Speaker

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Posted Aug 19 2012 - 03:26 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: No inaccuracies or errors were found in your entry. Unless another judge or member finds a problem later, your entry is likely to go on to the polls.

Is this something that needs to be "fixed" before this entry can onto the polls? I feel like this is more of a subjective critique than a canon one. In the first draft or two, I actually had a paragraph about his transformation, but I removed it because it was awkward and didn't fit thematically with the rest of the story. We already know about his transformation and that he hated it, and this story is really more about Nidhiki's inner changes than his physical ones.

The only reason I didn't give approval to your entry straight away was that quote at the beggining - the rest of my post is just a suggestion based on personal preference. But, now that you mention it, I guess that it makes sense for it to be omitted in a more psychological-based story.

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#12 Offline Takhamavahu

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Posted Aug 19 2012 - 06:24 PM

It is my opinion that in this story, the confidence with which Mimic handles himself is inconsistent with what we know about him and what the story says about him. If you'd like to take the opportunity to rework some of his dialogue to better fit his characterization, I think it would make for a stronger character, a better fit for what we know of him in established canon and a better chance of winning the contest. If you're perfectly comfortable with him as he is, then you are welcome to leave it unchanged and I'll approve it.The problem with the lightstones wasn't physically how do you turn one off, it was that they just seem to go out for some reason. Did the Dark Hunters sneak up and put them out? Do they have a weapon that can shut them off? Lights don't just go off when bad guys show up and, to me at least, it wasn't clear what actually happened there.Your current "someone doused the torches" is better. That works for me, but if you'd like to clarify further, you're welcome to.Those are my reccomendations, but they're not really mandatory fixes, so as soon as you post either saying you're going to make changes or you're comfortable as it is, I'll approve it.
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#13 Offline Exitium

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Posted Aug 19 2012 - 09:59 PM

Thank you Takhamavahu, I've decided to take your advice, and I've tweaked some of Mimic's dialogue to bring it more in line with how you described him. Here's a list of the exact changes I made, for those who are interested.In paragraph four, "He seemed entertained by my offer to bargain with them," was changed to "He sighed when I explained that I was there to bargain with them."In paragraph five, "that is exactly what we will do," was changed to "that is exactly what we must do"; "I can hardly deprive my teammate a chance to flex his muscles before the raid" was changed to "I am not sure I can prevent my teammate from flexing his muscles before the raid."In paragraph eight, "'You get to keep your head on one condition,' he said," was changed to "'There will be enough death tonight,' he said with weary resignation."In paragraph twenty-one, the section in bold was added: "'I see you have twice failed to heed my warning,' he replied, shaking his head sadly."Paragraph twenty-seven was completely changed. It originally read, "'You can try all you want to win this war,' Mimic said as he came to, 'but your morals make you weak, and this city will fall.'" It now reads, "'You are fighting a futile war,' Mimic said as he came to, no longer trying to resist. 'Although fate has placed us on opposite sides of this conflict, I must warn you that against the Dark Hunters, your morals alone will not be enough to save your city.'"I hope these changes better reflect people's interpretations of Mimic. I do appreciate all the suggestions that everyone has provided, and I do not want to appear as though I am trying to get around the mistakes in my entry that judges are validly pointing out. Thank you for reading and reviewing, and I hope you all have enjoyed it.
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#14 Offline Takhamavahu

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Posted Aug 19 2012 - 11:06 PM

Wow. That came out even better than I expected. That's a great story, Exitium and good luck in the polls.The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: No inaccuracies or errors were found in your entry. Unless another judge or member finds a problem later, your entry is likely to go on to the polls.
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#15 Offline Yaldabaoth

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Posted Aug 20 2012 - 09:54 AM

I definitely prefer this characterization, yes. I feel uncomfortable to have suggested such a change in an entire character, but I do think it's for the best.Now I just need to figure out how to get MY entry to this level of storytelling.

Edited by Angel Bob, Aug 20 2012 - 09:54 AM.

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DESCENDANT, starring Kraata-Kal
 
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THE END OF THE BROTHERHOOD, starring Tobduk and Makuta Chirox

#16 Offline Infrared

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Posted Aug 20 2012 - 10:01 AM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.Exitium, you don't have to change anything from my post that you haven't changed already. :)I have one more correction, though:

Believing that I had him subdued, I deactivated my mask so Mimic could see me and know that the novice Toa he once mocked had now defeated him in battle. It took him a moment, but the light of recognition entered his eyes.

I don't think that "mocked" explains the situation accurately; perhaps another word would explain his earlier actions better.... :)Also, I'm not sure if you knew of this when you were writing the story or not, but Nidhiki attempted to take the Nui Stone, and it seems that he might have grown more confident in his abilities after travelling to Metru Nui (for example, BIOsector01 says that he liked taking risks such as not using his Volitak when going through Dark Hunter territory). Although it seems that Nidhiki wrote truthfully in this story, you might be able to avoid some canon details by having it so that Nidhiki didn't write about his earlier life completely truthfully, but he instead wrote out lies thinking that "good" beings others (for example, Matoran from places other than Metru Nui) would take pity on him and thinking that that he could redeem himself in a way by forcing himself to believe those lies. It wouldn't require any truly major changes to the story, if any, but it might add some extra depth to both the story and Nidhiki. However, I don't know if that was your intent or not, so it might or might not count as a change.... :)

Edited by Infrared, Aug 20 2012 - 10:04 AM.

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#17 Offline Exitium

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Posted Aug 20 2012 - 02:53 PM

I don't think that "mocked" explains the situation accurately; perhaps another word would explain his earlier actions better.... :)

Yeah, this sentence is a remnant of my earlier version of Mimic, so I've tweaked it slightly.

Also, I'm not sure if you knew of this when you were writing the story or not, but Nidhiki attempted to take the Nui Stone, and it seems that he might have grown more confident in his abilities after travelling to Metru Nui (for example, BIOsector01 says that he liked taking risks such as not using his Volitak when going through Dark Hunter territory).

Although I didn't directly state this in my story, I did imply that he was patrolling the city without his mask.

Near the end of the war, I was patrolling the city outside the Coliseum when I spotted a figure on the rooftops. Activating my Mask of Stealth, I snuck around behind the figure to get a better look at him.

Notice that he doesn't activate his mask until he's about to attack, which matches his behavior in Birth of a Dark Hunter. He also turns off his mask just so Mimic can see him, which would also be an unnecessary risk in my opinion.

Although it seems that Nidhiki wrote truthfully in this story, you might be able to avoid some canon details by having it so that Nidhiki didn't write about his earlier life completely truthfully, but he instead wrote out lies thinking that "good" beings others (for example, Matoran from places other than Metru Nui) would take pity on him and thinking that that he could redeem himself in a way by forcing himself to believe those lies. It wouldn't require any truly major changes to the story, if any, but it might add some extra depth to both the story and Nidhiki.

This is sort of what I was trying to accomplish, but I wanted Nidhiki to twist the truth rather than simply lie. He could have easily written lies to fool other readers, but he would never believe them himself, so that wouldn't satisfy him. He's really writing this to justify his actions to himself, which is why his reasoning for betraying Metru Nui seems reasonable from his perspective. But if you read Birth of a Dark Hunter, it's clear that Nidhiki is actually only thinking of himself, which would suggest that his "saving lives" excuse is something he thought of after the fact to justify his greed.

I feel uncomfortable to have suggested such a change in an entire character, but I do think it's for the best.

Don't worry about it, I think the new Mimic came out much better than the old one. :)

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#18 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Aug 20 2012 - 04:14 PM

Very good! I only found one minor thing you could consider changing:The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.I never realized how much I needed the brotherhood and sense of purpose I felt as a Toa.Perhaps choosing a different word than brotherhood would be better to avoid confusion with the Brotherhood.The rest of this post is replied to replies. Some of it is now out of date so ignore as appropriate. :PReplies re: Infrared (numbered by quotes, not just the red parts):1) Yeah, we don't know if there's a moon in the sky illusions. Good catch lol.2) Technically the original wording of the "they" and "we" thing was fine. We referred to the whole group and they to the others in the group besides Nidhiki. But that suggested change is fine too so okay.3) Dousing probably doesn't go well with lightstones. I assumed you meant torches or candles or the like. If you go with lightstones, something like covering them or shattering them is best (or stealing, etc.).4) He's right; an unknown team of Toa stopped the Kanohi Dragon the first time according to BS01.5) The way that was worded, it's probably okay as it's unclear whether this is information Nidhiki is giving the reader now or info he had at the time, though it definitely implies the latter. But changing it to make it clear he only learned this later would be even better. I do think it's unlikely the Toa knew it was the DH at the time, though they could have strongly suspected it.6) I think you meant absorbing air. There may be a problem here as Toa of Air can only do that very effectively if they're in an airtight room; otherwise outside air rushes in to replace it immediately. There's been some debate as to whether they can hold that outside air in place to prevent this, and off the top of my head I don't recall how it was resolved, if it was. I didn't raise an objection though because your wording was vague enough and the action fast enough that it could be interpreted as just a very temporary vacuum, and Nidhiki switched immediately to a blast attack instead. So the outside air may have been rushing in and he was in effect just thinning the air, which would still be a serious problem for an enemy to overcome. If you want to edit it to make that clearer without interrupting the flow of the action feel free though. :)up to 8) Right, a comma before "though" would be best.up to 10) Righto...12) I thought this scene was in the Metru Nui dome? It should be fine. Not sure I'm understanding Infrared's point on this one right though.13) I think that's unnecessary, but it's plausible.Re: your replies to Infrared:1) See above; the Kanohi Dragon page makes it clear it was a visiting group of Toa.counting the next red quote as 2) Nevermind on that, then. :)4) Yeah, I thought that might be what he meant. Yeah, I think Greg said something about an illusion of a single sun in the other domes/caverns, while two in Metru Nui. Memory's foggy on it but that seems to confirm it.5) Understood.Toa Makao (realizing that's been changed now), yeah, just for the record, the actual stories can't have anything from real life, beyond normal figures of speech if they make sense in Bionicle (as Greg did sometimes). If you want to mention outside the story, like the line you have at the end, some of what helped inspire it, that's fine though.Re: Mr Hyde -- Anything fans of Bionicle can be expected to know already from published stories can be treated as common knowledge, and it's the author's choice whether to mention it. I didn't say anything because adding it might interrupt the emotional flow of it, and it does at least confirm he's been mutated -- knowing exactly how really isn't relevant to this story. We need to keep in mind that entries are to be stories, not info dumps; anyone who wants to know more can consult BS01 or other published stories.That said, I did think it was a bit of an odd choice not to take that as an opportunity for more emotional insight, since several other major events in his life were briefly mentioned. There would be room to expand on that a bit if you want, but it's not necessary.Angel Bob -- Just want to add that I saw the take on Mimic's personality as fitting. It's poetic; he's mimicking the life of the others in the organization. I think basic extrapolations like that from a character's innate powers are reasonable. The use of their powers would have at least some psychological effect on people. I can see the alternate take too, though. This doesn't really say he wasn't naive at all, but perhaps he's learned somewhat, you know?Re: Takhamavahu -- I think that line about the DH releasing the Kanohi Dragon just sums up the whole event from hindsight, so it should be fine as is. *re-reads it to make sure*. Yeah:

Although I had no proof, I thought that the Dark Hunters may be involved.The Dark Hunters were indeed behind the attack, but I had to wait before getting my hands on my enemies. The other ten Toa who fought the Kanohi Dragon with me decided to stay in Metru Nui, which suited me just fine.

So he's not saying necessarily that he knew that during the attack, but knew it at the point when the others decided to stay, sometime after the attack was dealt with.

Mimic's involvement in the Dark Hunters is a tragic story born out of love, and I think they way he talks in this story sounds like he's gotten too much into the rhythm of Dark Hunter life. He sounds like he enjoys being violent and aggresive they way most Dark Hunters do, but personally, I think given what we know about him, that attitude doesn't suit his character. I'd have played him as more sad and resigned, personally. What he says in your story reflects this, but (maybe it's just me) I think they way he says it and the way he talks and acts, do not.

I honestly didn't see this in his portrayal, having just read the BS01 page on it again. When he said he didn't really care about the DH organization, I interpreted that as meaning, what he really cares about is his missing friend. A bit more of a hint of that, perhaps a subtle emotional due, might help, but we need to keep in mind we're getting this through Nidhiki's POV, and I tend to doubt Nidhiki would pick up on subtle details like that. It's fair for such subtle things like that to be twisted a little based on the first-person perspective, what the memoir-writer actually writes down, and it's hard to picture Nidhiki including a detail like that. He may even have utterly missed Mimic's point and taken it his own way to justify his joining the DH later.Re: Exitium (numbering by quotes):1) Lemme just confirm that you do NOT have to change the thing about how he was mutated. It's fine how it is if that's how you want it, and I suspected what you said was the case. :) I think I agree with you; going into how the mutation occured is irrelevant to how Nidhiki is feeling as he writes this now, IMO. It's enough to know he mutated and he hates it. In fact, he would probably not want to think about it. If you wanted to get into it to delve deeper into his character it's valid, though, so it's your choice.2) Yeah, I agree about Mimic. I really can't see any plausible way to alter it, other than maybe adding a line that Mimic says. Well, maybe you could have Nidhiki add, "he added something else that I didn't reall hear; I was too absorbed in thinking about what he'd just said" or the like, to give the reader the idea that he misinterpreted. Just an idea, though. I'm fine with how it is, and like I said, Mimic isn't innocent in this, and how you handled it fits the "power affecting personality" principle.3) Really? I didn't recall that. Nor did I actually recall that you changed it to torches lol. Anywho, yeah, dousing torches is probably the best solution.4) So apparently I'm again commenting above after edits have taken place. Take what I said about the DH release with the appropriate levels of salt. :P Anywho, how it is now is fine.Agree with the rest in that post. For the record, if you want to give the quote after the story's over as part of the inspiration it should be fine, in addition to the note you already have there, although since we can see it in the posts anyways it doesn't matter.Edit: Seeing the latest changes about Mimic, yeah, I agree that's even better. The main thing I wanted you to keep was the line about morals. The meat's still there, of what affects Nidhiki, so it works. :) I do think there's something to consider in that Nidhiki might not have been as perceptive as we would be in realizing Mimic's true motives, though. :shrugs: Loyalty is not something he innately understands, at least later on. But then your story is shedding more light on how he got that way so yeah, just something else to think about. The new changes are fine too, and definately make Mimic more three dimensional so that's awesome.

Edited by bonesiii, Aug 20 2012 - 04:23 PM.

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#19 Offline Exitium

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Posted Aug 20 2012 - 05:07 PM

Perhaps choosing a different word than brotherhood would be better to avoid confusion with the Brotherhood.

I changed "brotherhood" to "fellowship," so that was a pretty easy fix. I think that's all that you needed me to fix, but let me know if I missed something.

A bit more of a hint of that, perhaps a subtle emotional due, might help, but we need to keep in mind we're getting this through Nidhiki's POV, and I tend to doubt Nidhiki would pick up on subtle details like that. It's fair for such subtle things like that to be twisted a little based on the first-person perspective, what the memoir-writer actually writes down, and it's hard to picture Nidhiki including a detail like that.

I didn't actually change anything here, but I did want to make it clear that Nidhiki probably doesn't know or care about Mimic's past. Although I could have added a little more about Mimic and his past, the story is not really about him, and those details don't add anything significant to Nidhiki's story.

He may even have utterly missed Mimic's point and taken it his own way to justify his joining the DH later.

That's exactly what happened. Mimic's last words to Nidhiki are meant to mean something along the lines of "Don't expect to win just because you have the moral high ground," but Nidhiki completely misses the point and interprets them as "Do morally questionable stuff to win."

Edited by Exitium, Aug 20 2012 - 05:07 PM.

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#20 Offline X-Ray

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Posted Jan 30 2013 - 12:17 AM

Although I had no proof, I thought that the Dark Hunters may be involved.

 

[font="'trebuchet ms', helvetica, sans-serif;"][color=#008080;]I believe this should be, "I thought then that the Dark Hunters may have  been involved," perhaps with the addendum "I was right."[/color][/font]

 

[font="'trebuchet ms', helvetica, sans-serif;"][color=#008080;]In spite of this single error, I liked this story very much. You tell Nidhiki's story very well, adding some new dimensions to his tale. You capture the essence of our bitter ex-Toa quite well. I also applaud your used of Mimic, who is one of my favorite Dark Hunters. You may want to explain what happened to Mimic and the other captured hunters after the war. Were they sent back with the Dark Hunters after the conflict ended? Did they remain imprisoned? Which one? But nevertheless, this is an excellent piece of work, and I wish you well in the contest, Mr. Exitium. [/color][/font]

 

[font="'trebuchet ms', helvetica, sans-serif;"][color=#008080;]Sincerely, :akaku: X-Ray :akaku:[/color][/font]


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#21 Offline Infrared

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Posted Aug 21 2013 - 03:15 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: No inaccuracies or errors were found in your entry. Unless another judge or member finds a problem later, your entry is likely to go on to the polls.

 

Hi again! I just reread your entry and found two minor things. No need to fix them if you don't want to though.  :)

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:Helvetica;]That day, the sun set on my time as a Toa[/color]

I know there's a sun/sky motif in this story, but I thought it might be cool if you changed it to "the twin suns set on my time as a Toa" since his time as a Toa ended on Metru Nui. If you don't want to there's no need, I understand. :)

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:Helvetica;]while my moronic partner, Krekka, and I were to patrol the city and recover the Great Disks[/color]

The two commas make it seem like there's a moronic partner in addition to Krekka. If you removed them I think it would be more clear.

 

Fantastic job!


Edited by Infrared, Aug 21 2013 - 03:49 PM.

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#22 Offline Exitium

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Posted Aug 21 2013 - 05:35 PM

Thanks for reading it again Infrared, I can't believe it's been more than a year since I wrote this.  I liked the twin suns idea, and I toyed with using, but the expression sounded a little awkward, so I decided to leave it as is.  Had Nidhiki been from Metru Nui originally I might have gone with it, but I get the sense that he never really considered Metru Nui home, and his original home probably had just one sun/light source (which we could "translate" as sun).  I had the commas in the Krekka part because I thought his name would be a nonrestrictive appositive, given Nidhiki only has one moronic partner.  However, Krekka doesn't appear until then in this story, and I suppose it's more clear without the commas, so I went with that edit.

 

Also along the lines of what X-Ray suggested back in January, I want to change "Although I had no proof, I thought that the Dark Hunters may be involved" to "Although I had no proof at the time, I thought the Dark Hunters may have been involved."  I need a judge to approve that change though.


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#23 Offline Infrared

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Posted Aug 21 2013 - 05:38 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: No inaccuracies or errors were found in your entry. Unless another judge or member finds a problem later, your entry is likely to go on to the polls.  Go right ahead. :)


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