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#1 Offline Loading...

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Posted Aug 29 2012 - 09:57 PM

(This is actually a part of a bigger project I'm thinking of working on, but I want to get some of your opinions on how I could make things better, or if I should, you know, give up =P. Thank you ahead of time to everyone who critiques or comments.)

Fire

He awoke to find himself lying on a beach. The ocean waves broke against the sandy shore before quickly receding back into the ocean. What seemed like birds flew overhead, turning black as they passed under the sun. It was just past the noon hour and the sun still stood high in the sky. One thought came through his mind as the crystal surf lapped under his feet. I hate water… Slowly heaving himself to his feet, he looked around. Before him sat a warm sandy shore leading out into an endless ocean, interrupted only by a large cylindrical canister that lay settled into the shore. Its silvery surface reflected the sunlight like a polished stone, contrasting its dim and hallow innards. Perhaps a bio closer to him, what looked like a similarly hallow metallic dome had sunken partially into the sand. Inside both, small metal tubes snaked between panels and boxes that protruded out from the walls. Lights strewn inside flickered on and off before dying out only to flare back to life and continue their erratic dance. Whatever the oddity was, he began to perceive that its size and shape corresponded too perfectly to his own to be a coincidence. It appeared likely that the vessel was what had brought him here. However there was still the matter of understanding where “here” was. He turned quickly to the right, a bit too quickly. He had only been conscious for a few moments and the sudden change in movement sent his mind reeling. Stumbling back a few steps, he tried to regain control of himself. The ground seemed to move beneath him nearly throwing him back to the ground. Dropping to his knees he gripped his head trying to break through the fog that began to seep into his mind. “What’s happening to me?” he whispered angrily to himself, his temper beginning to blaze. Digging his hands into the sand, he tightened his metal fists as though his burning rage would turn the sand to glass. The fog grew stronger and thicker every second, squirming and clawing at his mind trying to drag it back into the blackness. But he refused to allow himself to lose. Harnessing his raging temper he seized hold of reality with an iron grip and refused to release it. The sand beneath him seemed to grow hotter even as his grasp grew more unyielding to the overriding power of the haze. Gradually, painfully, he began to reclaim control. The fog slowly lifted and gave up its fight, the sound of the waves resumed its gentle chant, and his temper began to return to its naturally simmering boil. And that, he thought, takes care of that. Now his mind was free to think and try to understand what was- Suddenly, it struck him. Something he had failed to truly notice until now. He had thought that the fog had been toying with his thoughts, but now he completely realized the horrible truth. He could remember nothing. There was no knowledge of where he was, or where he had been. No knowledge of what had brought him here or why. No knowledge of who he even was. A spark of panic and fear began to grow in his mind as he strained to grasp at a memory, any memory. But there was nothing there to grasp, only pieces of images and emotions that disappeared as soon as he uncovered them. Anger, guilt, energy pulsating around him and light fading into darkness. His panic grew greater as it fed on his frantic thoughts, only to be smothered out by a sudden wave of all-consuming fury. This isn’t possible! I refuse! he raged, wrenching his hands out of the sand and returning to his feet. I refuse, I have to remember something! The abrupt sound of cracking glass pulled him back to the beach. Beneath his feet, and extending several inches passed, a sheet of course glass lay where fine sand had been moments before. “Odd,” he muttered to himself, noticing that the sheet appeared to originate where his fists had been buried in the ground. With his temper slowly becoming replaced with curiosity, he noticed something else beyond the glass. A crimson red mask lay face up in the sand. Trying not to give the fog a chance to return, he stepped through the glass and picked up the mask. He looked down at its empty eyes as it returned his gaze. There was something about it that was familiar, nearly recognizable. Turning it over, he felt something inside him telling him to put it on. Instinct and memory, both intertwined together, urged him to wear the mask. Ignoring whatever bits of apprehension that lingered in his thoughts, he turned it over and put it on. Power rippled through his body as the mask touched his face. Weakness faded; replaced with strength he had never known he had. Any remainders of the fog were swept away in a flood of energy. Lifting up his hand, he could fell the energy rushing through him. Warmth seemed to ebb and flow through his fingertips. Focusing on the palm of his hand, he could feel the energy slowly move and cluster. I can control it, he thought to himself as the energy’s intensity continued to rise. Suddenly, without warning, a flame formed in his hand. Small curls of fire lased off his fingertips before drawing together to form a flaming plume that hung within the palm of his hand. Out of surprise, he quickly drew back his hand and took a step back. The instant he moved, the flame disappeared. For a moment, he simply looked at his hand trying to understand what had happened. Fire had just materialized out of thin air. And what was more, he appeared to be unharmed by the event. Not a burn or sign of damage anywhere on his hand. When he thought about it, it seemed as though he had not even felt the heat of the flame. He looked back down at the sheet of glass beside him as a thought began to form in his mind. Could it be possible? he thought. Concentrating again, he began to focus his energy together. Collecting even faster than before, another ball of fire leaped from his fingertips and formed in his hand. He could feel the warmth and power inside him flow towards the fire and then seem to dissipate, keeping the flame alive. He smiled proudly to himself as the fire continued to burn. He was making progress. As he continued to study the flame, its light glinted off another object lying in the sand, this time covered by the thin layer of glass. Carefully digging through the glass, he silently thanked no one in particular for the fact his body was made of metal. After several moments, he acquired his new-found prize. A long, slender, crimson sword fashioned into the shape of a towering flame. Something about it, like the mask, held a sense of familiarity, despite the fact that he had never seen the weapon before. Thrusting the blade into the air, his reflexes sent energy surging into the blade and sending a plume of fire into the air and scattering the birds that flew overhead. He followed their flight past the stony bluffs behind him as they slowly disappeared beyond his sight. Until now, he had failed to notice much of the scenery behind him. Rocky black cliffs surrounded the beach on every side and blocked any sight of what might exist beyond, excluding the immense volcano that rose above it. Sea birds could be heard from the forest trees beyond the bluffs and their calls reflected across the shore. Oddly enough, lodged into the cliff-side also sat a large stone carving of what appeared to be a face. Unimpressed, he simply grumbled in mild irritation and began to walk down the beach. Smoke slowly rose from beyond a small gorge that led out from the beach several bio ahead of him. While he was unsure of where he was going, he knew that this was not where he belonged. Taking one more glance at the canister behind him, a spark of doubt awoke in his mind. Could he hope for a future when he was not even aware of his past? For a moment it seemed as though a voice echoed the thoughts. A dark and ancient voice. Yet, even as fast as the thoughts had materialized, they vanished. With his fiery will returning, he adjusted the sword on his back and continued on his journey. True, he had no memory of the past, but that would not stop him. Because there was one thing that he did remember, a phrase that put an end to any of his doubts. He knew who he was. Tahu, Toa of Fire.

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#2 Offline Tehurye

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Posted Aug 30 2012 - 06:52 AM

This is a nice piece of work.You took things very slowly, taking the time to carefully develop Tahu's actions and thoughts. Thus making it all the more realistic, I could feel what Tahu was feeling. It's hard to put so much detail and care into a scene with only one character, a relatively unimportant background, and the only dialouge being the main character's thoughts. But you pulled it off terrifically. It brought me back to memories of the MNOLG...Thanks! I do not think you should give up. If you want to write more stories like this, then please, do so! You're good at it.

Edited by Tehurye, Aug 30 2012 - 06:52 AM.

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#3 Offline Grant-Sud

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Posted Aug 30 2012 - 12:01 PM

I was also really impressed with this retelling of the Tahu's awakening. The details were rich and not overbearingly so, and the plot while short, never seemed uninteresting. Can't wait for you next story in this project you're planning, and you can be sure I'll be a reader for them!
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#4 Offline Loading...

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Posted Aug 30 2012 - 04:13 PM

This is a nice piece of work.You took things very slowly, taking the time to carefully develop Tahu's actions and thoughts. Thus making it all the more realistic, I could feel what Tahu was feeling. It's hard to put so much detail and care into a scene with only one character, a relatively unimportant background, and the only dialouge being the main character's thoughts. But you pulled it off terrifically. It brought me back to memories of the MNOLG...Thanks! I do not think you should give up. If you want to write more stories like this, then please, do so! You're good at it.

Wow, thank you. You don't know how encouraging that is to hear. It's sort of funny though, when I was finishing everything up I was convinced I didn't have nearly enough details. :P

I was also really impressed with this retelling of the Tahu's awakening. The details were rich and not overbearingly so, and the plot while short, never seemed uninteresting. Can't wait for you next story in this project you're planning, and you can be sure I'll be a reader for them!

I'm hoping to use this as the beginning of something in the Epics section of BZP actually, so thank you very much.

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#5 Offline fishers64

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Posted Aug 30 2012 - 05:11 PM

Interesting. I'm really impressed with the details you put in here. Minor nitpicks:

Could it be possible? he thought.

This thought is not well defined. Tahu's the type to have more complete thoughts like "Could it be possible that I did that?". I can't tell exactly what he's thinking there - I think Tahu's wondering whether or not he turned the sand to glass, but it's kinda fuzzy.

One thought came through his mind as the crystal surf lapped under his feet.I hate water…Slowly heaving himself to his feet, he looked around. Before him sat a warm sandy shore leading out into an endless ocean, interrupted only by a large cylindrical canister that lay settled into the shore.

If the canister was settled into the shore, then wouldn't Tahu go straight from the canister to the sand, not end up lying on the sand with water lapping at his feet? He's lying on the shore, water lapping at his feet, and yet the canister, which is settled into the shore, is behind him. That's pretty inconsistent. The best way I can think of to solve the problem is to have Tahu lying in front of the canister, with his feet not in the water, and cut the "I hate water..." line as it is not really necessary. And Tahu doesn't really know what water is, much less to hate it...but anyway, minor nitpicks. Whatever project you have in mind, I suggest you go for it. Your writing is definitely good enough, and the worst case scenario is that you'll learn something.:) You might benefit from watching the details just a little bit more in building it, to make sure they're consistant, but your writing is still impressive, and I look forward to reading more from you.

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#6 Offline Loading...

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Posted Aug 30 2012 - 07:47 PM

This thought is not well defined. Tahu's the type to have more complete thoughts like "Could it be possible that I did that?". I can't tell exactly what he's thinking there - I think Tahu's wondering whether or not he turned the sand to glass, but it's kinda fuzzy.

I believe that was the idea. I'll try and make it clearer when I edit the chapter later on.

If the canister was settled into the shore, then wouldn't Tahu go straight from the canister to the sand, not end up lying on the sand with water lapping at his feet? He's lying on the shore, water lapping at his feet, and yet the canister, which is settled into the shore, is behind him. That's pretty inconsistent.The best way I can think of to solve the problem is to have Tahu lying in front of the canister, with his feet not in the water, and cut the "I hate water..." line as it is not really necessary.And Tahu doesn't really know what water is, much less to hate it...but anyway, minor nitpicks.

Any nitpicking is helpful, it'll simply make my writing better.Actually, I originally had the canister out in the water. When Tahu was ejected, he landed on the beach with his feet still in the water. Later, I changed it so that the canister was farther into the beach. However I didn't remember the correlation between where Tahu landed and where I placed the Toa Canister and so the inconsistency was created. Thank you for noticing. :)As for not knowing what water is, Tahu had lost his memory but he would not have lost the understanding of what water was. He didn't remember his past but he would have remembered more general and universal pieces of information, such as how to talk or what water was.

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#7 Offline Tehurye

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Posted Aug 31 2012 - 06:09 AM

This is a nice piece of work.You took things very slowly, taking the time to carefully develop Tahu's actions and thoughts. Thus making it all the more realistic, I could feel what Tahu was feeling. It's hard to put so much detail and care into a scene with only one character, a relatively unimportant background, and the only dialouge being the main character's thoughts. But you pulled it off terrifically. It brought me back to memories of the MNOLG...Thanks! I do not think you should give up. If you want to write more stories like this, then please, do so! You're good at it.

Wow, thank you. You don't know how encouraging that is to hear. It's sort of funny though, when I was finishing everything up I was convinced I didn't have nearly enough details. :P

I was also really impressed with this retelling of the Tahu's awakening. The details were rich and not overbearingly so, and the plot while short, never seemed uninteresting. Can't wait for you next story in this project you're planning, and you can be sure I'll be a reader for them!

I'm hoping to use this as the beginning of something in the Epics section of BZP actually, so thank you very much.

Oh, trust me, your details were quite sufficient.Are you considering doing a full scale reinterpretation of the events during the MNOLG? If so...You have my whole-ehearted encouragement. I can't wait to read it!

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#8 Offline Loading...

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Posted Aug 31 2012 - 05:10 PM

Oh, trust me, your details were quite sufficient.Are you considering doing a full scale reinterpretation of the events during the MNOLG? If so...You have my whole-ehearted encouragement. I can't wait to read it!

Hmmm...Perhaps... :P

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#9 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Sep 11 2012 - 02:43 PM

I think this is the best canister-wake-up portrayal I've seen yet. I especially liked the idea of having him turn too quickly and get dizzy, triggering a confusion sensation as he started to realize he'd lost his memories (and was maskless). Very realistic.I also liked the part where he disturbs birds, causing him to observe his strange surroundings. And throughout the whole thing, you take every moment as an opportunity to dive deep into interesting, realistic, touching, psychology and the like. Very good.I do hope you work more from this. It feels a lot like it should open an epic. :P Of course, there's no hint of an exterior antagonist, and I presume you would use Makuta, so continuing with this might not be so easy since we all know of that so well. Here you took a route for the antagonist being his own panic and self-doubts in that moment, which I think is brilliant and works for this as is. I just hope you do go farther with this. :) You've obviously got talent at writing, esp. characterization. ^_^One nitpick:

Perhaps a bio closer to him, what looked like a similarly hallow metallic dome

M'believe you meant "hollow."

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