Edited by Loganto The Le-Matoran, Sep 02 2012 - 08:24 PM.
Legend of loganto reviewStory of legends
Posted Sep 02 2012 - 08:41 PM
Posted Sep 05 2012 - 01:51 AM
~Your friendly, neighborhood Shadow
Library: The Kanohi Force (collab)
FCMedia: KFTV (collab)
Posted Sep 05 2012 - 06:20 AM
I turned out to be exactly the grown-up I wanted to be.
A child - but with a credit card.
Kanohi upside down = epic beard.
We've all tried it, don't deny it.
Posted Sep 05 2012 - 10:26 PM
The Great spirit Decended from the Heavens. Holding The matoran with him. And Bringing them. To This Paradise...Then, A young matoran known as Takua, Summoned the 6 Known Toa To there Island home...Yet They were only six...An introduction usually sets the tone for an epic, telling me the writer's skill and how common spelling and grammar issues will be if I choose to read on. In these first sentences, I will congratulate you on only having a single misspelling (descended). Instead, it has been…ravaged, by grammar issues. So I took the liberty of repairing it for you.
In the Time Before Time...
The Great Spirit descended from the heavens, holding the Matoran with him and bringing them to this paradise.Then, a young Matoran known as Takua summoned the six Toa to their island home.Yet they were only six...Seeing the difference? I added commas where periods or ellipses were unnecessary, for starters. In addition, capitalization was reserved for proper nouns only. The rest of the changes were minor. Changing your "there" to "their," changing 6 to six (because numbers under 100 should be written out), and removed the word "known" to cut out redundancy. Referring to them as "the six Toa" already suggests they are alone. Those same errors continue to plague the rest of your story at an alarming rate, but there's more. Let's talk dialogue for a moment.
In the time before time...
"C'mon Loganto! you going to join-race kewa flying or what?"
"C'mon Loganto! You going to join-race kewa flying or what?"
"be right there!" I said.
There's a couple examples of not capitalizing the start of your sentences, an ironic opposite to the aforementioned issue. If you're not already using some sort of writing program (MS Word for example) to write your work in, I would highly recommend it, because that would catch a lot of problems for you.
"Be right there!" I said.
"then it is as I thought.... here" he hands me an object wrapped in crumpled foil.
I won't even ask about the addition of foil in your imagining of the Bionicle universe, it's your story after all. Really felt out of place though. I wanted to shine some light on the inconsistent verb tense (handed rather than hands) and ending a sentence properly. There were actually a few ways you could've done this. I'll show you two more.
"Then it is as I thought...here." He handed me an object wrapped in crumpled foil.
"Then it is as I thought.... Here." He handed me an object wrapped in crumpled foil.
The verb tense issue is also very prevalent in your work.
"Then it is as I thought.... Here," he said, handing me an object wrapped in crumpled foil.
Then It dawned to me. I unwrap the foil and I find...
Next subject…all caps in a word.
Then it dawned to me. I unwrapped the foil and I found...
I get it, you're trying to place importance on how amazing it is to be chosen directly by Mata Nui. Placing the word in all capitalization wound up producing the opposite effect for me. As a good rule of thumb, any time you want to put all caps in a word, think about whether or not it's an acronym. If it isn't, don't do it. Easy enough, yeah?
"Because you were chosen by mata nui HIMSELF!"
Ah, a chance to discuss redundancy now. I mentioned it at the start, but this is a better example to work with. Loganto is frozen, frozen in shock. Still, you put into two sentences what one would've achieved just fine - as shown below.
That shocked me so much I froze. I felt as if I was in a frozen lake in ko-wahi.
And then there was this.
That shocked me so much I froze, feeling as though I were beneath the waves of a Ko-Wahi lake.
I'm sorry, but that made me laugh. First thing that comes to mind from protobar is a single-word variant of the bar beneath every BZPer's username. The second thing that comes to mind is some kind of energy bar that you'd take on a hiking trip, though that doesn't mesh with the Bionicle world too well because it feels all too human. Perhaps if you'd described it in detail, that connection would've been destroyed in my mind. You're writing an epic, give me details! I'll touch more on that later.
I started to eat a protobar when I saw my destination.
I walked thrue a couple more logs when I tripped.
I walked through a couple more logs when I tripped.
Kill the periods, don't replace them with commas.
I looked at my toa stone. to find that there was a crack in it. and one side was turning a dark blue.
Grammatically, there's a lot wrong with that passage. It mainly suffers from "and then" syndrome. Which is when an action occurs, and then another occurs, and then another occurs, and then they keep getting introduced that same way, and then the reader feels bored. Definitely touch that up.
All of our toa stones glowed with a blinding light... and then... They split in two, and then with might they smashed into the suva with great power. And then... something came out in a blinding light from the suva! Then It zapped everyone in the area! I felt a sensation in my heartlight when six masks burst out of the suva and were fused with ours. Our bodies were filled with unimagenable power. Then I passed out.
That was a lot of fragments. I'm sure you can put them together into legitimate sentences.
One fell near me. It shook it's head and tried to lift off again, yet it couldn't. one wing was broken. I decided to help it. but for safety I made small reins for it out of vines. I put it on him and he started slashing at me. Then I repaired his wing. he lifted off, but I weighed him down. then I had an Idea. I sat on the rahi's back and it lifted off with ease.
Explaining what Protosalt is would be nice. Considering it isn't canon and just seems...strange. And you misspelled "toward."I skipped a lot of other errors throughout your story, deciding to focus on the bigger picture. I read your story three times because there were so many grammar and spelling errors, I honestly couldn't remember what the plot was. Writing is like most things out there in that there are rules. When you break the rules, there are consequences. I think we both know the consequence of broken rules here. Not to mention the rate at which you're cranking out chapters. Last time I checked, the formula for greatness didn't come in bulk. Pace yourself, emphasize detail, build some characterization. Your whole narrative felt like a black and white mess of issues and some flimsy characters with no dimensionality to who they were or what they wanted. They were hollow, as was the plot. No, that's not right. The idea of what you're doing is decent, but it's all about execution, and yours was lacking. That said, I went out of my way to highlight the major faults and flaws of your work, an expansive guideline for your improvement.This isn't even a story I can say I dislike, because I didn't find enough substance to really feel like I was reading a story. This epic needs a lot of work, in my opinion, and I want to stress that. The fact that I could read longer Comedies than these chapters, these daily-released, mediocre pieces that any English teacher would have a red pen party with…well, it's disheartening. It is my hope—if however forlorn it may be—that you pay close attention to this review and improve in your work. No plot can survive in the conditions you've presented, but I'm worried they are a permanent staple of this epic. Please prove me wrong. I dare you to exceed my expectations, make me eat my words, and make me look foolish for having ever doubted you. Good luck, Loganto.-Ced
Then I ran tward the sea, for the only cure for the poison was Protosalt.
Posted Sep 06 2012 - 01:38 PM
Good for you - presented a challenge and willing to take it head on. Regarding the pictures, they appear rather crudely drawn. Though if I asked myself if I could do better, I'd have to say no. I'm okay with that answer because I'm not a comic writer or anything, just an epic writer. Illustrations are quite unnecessary here. Short answer though, I don't care much for the pictures.-Ced
I'll take that dare! I will spellcheck all my things and pay attention to L.A. class!MY STORY WILL GO ON!By the way, do you think my pictures are good?
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