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The Powers that Be Continuation Review Topic

Powers Be Continuation Review Joev14

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#1 Offline joev14

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Posted Sep 12 2012 - 12:33 PM

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This is the review topic for my continuation of The Powers that Be. Please leave C&C, and don't troll.

Edited by joev14, Sep 30 2012 - 03:53 PM.

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The Powers That Be Continuation | The Yesterday Quest Continuation
Secrets of the Star Cont. | End of the Beginning Cont. (VIDEO PODCAST SERIES) | Element of Surprise Cont.
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My Short Stories 
The Last Memories | Birth of the Kal | Key of the Codrex | Web of Karzahni
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#2 Offline The Renegade Emperor

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Posted Sep 13 2012 - 07:46 AM

The most fitting word for this Epic is... convincing.Continuing an official, canon story is very difficult, due to to strong limitations of many sorts. Though, this job convinces me. I'm not an expert of storyline and such like bones and many others, so I can't give much feedback about it being in the canon story main lines or not. There's only one thing that I don't understand very much: weren't the Toa Mahri under the influence of the Skakdi Fusion?Still, I can give criticism about grammar, style and wording.

1) Lewa sat in a prison cell made of wood and twigs. He listened to the green beings outside talk amongst each other.2) He flung his arms out, and blasted the prison cell apart. The villagers turned, and stared at him as if they expected him to be allied with the Rahi.3) The Cursed One glared again, “Can I leave now oh great and mighty Miserix?” He said in a voice tinged with sarcasm.4) Vezon said, “Well, I’ve love to stay, but I’ve got people to stab.” 5) Artakha spoke, “We need to find Protodermis, then I can create another Olmak so we can get off this planet.”6) Artakha turned and looked at her, staring her right in the eyes as if to challenge her defiance.7) Kongu fired two Cordak Bolts simultaneously from his cannons, and watched the other two Makuta dodged and zoomed towards him.8) He held his hands up to his face for protection, but a wall of Stone arose from the ground and the two Makuta slammed into it, stunned.9) Kolar felt himself get pushed back into a defensive position, as the taller and stronger Makuta swung his blade at him.10) Kongu and reached his hand towards his fallen friend, trying to save him, but it was too late.

I numbered the errors or corrections to do I could see, instead of multi-quoting the main post over and over. I think it woul be better if the following were1) each the other2) I'd cancel "as if" and say "stared at him: they expected him to be allied with the Rahi.". It's a more fluent style.3) "Can I leave now, oh great and mighty Miserix?", he said in a voice tinged with sarcasm.4) I'd love to stay5) "We need to find Protodermis, so I can create another Olmak and get us out of this planet."6) staring her right in the eyes, as if he was challenging her defiance7) dodging and zooming8) I think "stunned" isn't the right tense: you should say "getting stunned by the impact". If they were already stunned, there wouldn't have been any need to create a wall of Stone, right? ;)9) the first part isn't clear. What did you mean to say?10) same as 9.Another thing: I'd not put "Elsewhere" every time, and absolutely not "Elsewhere once again". It kinda ruins the serious atmosphere the Epic is set in, in my opinion. You could try putting "---" or similars in the middle of the page to separate different times, places or parts of the story. I would rarely use "Elsewhere".Then, a last hint: remind to cap the first letter of every proper name!Of course, you're the author, so you can choose whether to follow my tips or not: it's your choice, after all, that must correct the Epic.As I said before, this first chapter is promising and I think that the whole Epic could turn to be very good. The plot looks a bit confused, right, but it has some good ideas that certainly need to be explored and explained deeper; wording is quite good IMO, as well as the description of the battle scenes. I think that, with a little bit of work, you could do a nice Epic! Never surrender, anyways!

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#3 Offline joev14

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Posted Sep 13 2012 - 01:39 PM

The most fitting word for this Epic is... convincing.Continuing an official, canon story is very difficult, due to to strong limitations of many sorts. Though, this job convinces me. I'm not an expert of storyline and such like bones and many others, so I can't give much feedback about it being in the canon story main lines or not. There's only one thing that I don't understand very much: weren't the Toa Mahri under the influence of the Skakdi Fusion?Still, I can give criticism about grammar, style and wording.

1) Lewa sat in a prison cell made of wood and twigs. He listened to the green beings outside talk amongst each other.2) He flung his arms out, and blasted the prison cell apart. The villagers turned, and stared at him as if they expected him to be allied with the Rahi.3) The Cursed One glared again, “Can I leave now oh great and mighty Miserix?” He said in a voice tinged with sarcasm.4) Vezon said, “Well, I’ve love to stay, but I’ve got people to stab.”5) Artakha spoke, “We need to find Protodermis, then I can create another Olmak so we can get off this planet.”6) Artakha turned and looked at her, staring her right in the eyes as if to challenge her defiance.7) Kongu fired two Cordak Bolts simultaneously from his cannons, and watched the other two Makuta dodged and zoomed towards him.8) He held his hands up to his face for protection, but a wall of Stone arose from the ground and the two Makuta slammed into it, stunned.9) Kolar felt himself get pushed back into a defensive position, as the taller and stronger Makuta swung his blade at him.10) Kongu and reached his hand towards his fallen friend, trying to save him, but it was too late.

I numbered the errors or corrections to do I could see, instead of multi-quoting the main post over and over. I think it woul be better if the following were1) each the other2) I'd cancel "as if" and say "stared at him: they expected him to be allied with the Rahi.". It's a more fluent style.3) "Can I leave now, oh great and mighty Miserix?", he said in a voice tinged with sarcasm.4) I'd love to stay5) "We need to find Protodermis, so I can create another Olmak and get us out of this planet."6) staring her right in the eyes, as if he was challenging her defiance7) dodging and zooming8) I think "stunned" isn't the right tense: you should say "getting stunned by the impact". If they were already stunned, there wouldn't have been any need to create a wall of Stone, right? ;)9) the first part isn't clear. What did you mean to say?10) same as 9.Another thing: I'd not put "Elsewhere" every time, and absolutely not "Elsewhere once again". It kinda ruins the serious atmosphere the Epic is set in, in my opinion. You could try putting "---" or similars in the middle of the page to separate different times, places or parts of the story. I would rarely use "Elsewhere".Then, a last hint: remind to cap the first letter of every proper name!Of course, you're the author, so you can choose whether to follow my tips or not: it's your choice, after all, that must correct the Epic.As I said before, this first chapter is promising and I think that the whole Epic could turn to be very good. The plot looks a bit confused, right, but it has some good ideas that certainly need to be explored and explained deeper; wording is quite good IMO, as well as the description of the battle scenes. I think that, with a little bit of work, you could do a nice Epic! Never surrender, anyways!

1. No...it's correct the way I wrote it2. As if sounds more like a thought, I don't imagine colons being in thoughts3. I agree with you on this one4. That just doesn't sound like Vezon to me :/5. I agree here as well6. I agree here too7. Again...8. Fixed9. Sounds fine to me10. This one sounds fine to me as wellEDIT: I changed all the Elsewheres and Meanwhiles to ...'sEDIT 2: Yes, the Toa Mahri were under the control of the Golden Being, the reasons for why they aren't anymore will be explained in chapter 7.

Edited by joev14, Sep 14 2012 - 09:20 PM.

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Joev14, Owner of Infinite Inspiration Incorporated

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My Epics
The Powers That Be Continuation | The Yesterday Quest Continuation
Secrets of the Star Cont. | End of the Beginning Cont. (VIDEO PODCAST SERIES) | Element of Surprise Cont.
 .
My Short Stories 
The Last Memories | Birth of the Kal | Key of the Codrex | Web of Karzahni
The Depths Below | Monster | Out of the Darkness | Archive

.

audio_narration_project_banner_wide.jpg

The project that aims to create narrated versions of all the Bionicle books, with voice actors for each character, and music taken from various other media to enhance the story. PM me if you're interested in auditioning for a role!

 

Interested in being a part of a large-scale Bionicle 2015 Convention? Check out this topic!


#4 Offline I Exist

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Posted Sep 13 2012 - 09:38 PM

Not bad actually. I'm waiting for the next chapter!
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#5 Offline joev14

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Posted Sep 14 2012 - 09:21 PM

Not bad actually. I'm waiting for the next chapter!

Thanks! Next chapter is up :)

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Joev14, Owner of Infinite Inspiration Incorporated

 .
My Epics
The Powers That Be Continuation | The Yesterday Quest Continuation
Secrets of the Star Cont. | End of the Beginning Cont. (VIDEO PODCAST SERIES) | Element of Surprise Cont.
 .
My Short Stories 
The Last Memories | Birth of the Kal | Key of the Codrex | Web of Karzahni
The Depths Below | Monster | Out of the Darkness | Archive

.

audio_narration_project_banner_wide.jpg

The project that aims to create narrated versions of all the Bionicle books, with voice actors for each character, and music taken from various other media to enhance the story. PM me if you're interested in auditioning for a role!

 

Interested in being a part of a large-scale Bionicle 2015 Convention? Check out this topic!


#6 Offline The Renegade Emperor

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Posted Sep 15 2012 - 01:33 PM

This review refers just to Chapter 6, joev, I couldn't read the others.Well, this time we have a nice idea, an Alternate Teridax who actually helps good people. The plot still is a little bit confused, with many point of views and jumps from event to event. I suppose you'll explain everything during a chapter, right?Whatever, with this chapter you showed us a great imagination and the whole plotting of this episode looks very good, IMO. As for words, another good job. Even if I found the following errors or unclear spots, this chapter was an average writing quality, much more than the previous. Thumb up, joev!

1)and he stared down at his arms, they were normal again.2)hoping he would find answers-and people to kill-once he reached the shore…3)Miserix sat on his newly built thrown4)with the construction eing surveyed by both the Toa Hagah and the Toa Nuva,5)We escaped before we were noticed, and soon ran into Onua, who relayed the story to us. We began the construction of New Tajun, and Onua left to go join the rest of the Toa Nuva, since it seemed like we had things under control. I sent Hewkii, Kongu, and a Toa of Gravity named Kolar off to set up a miniature lookout post, to direct survivors of the Matoran Universe who hadn’t been inside the Mata Nui Robot to the new villages. Jaller turned as one of the Agori ran up and asked him to help hold a support in place while they nailed it together. Jaller nodded and went off to help…6)Now it inside a rocky fortress that had once belonged to a group known as the Skrall,7)but they had since abandoned it to join in the new community lead by the Toa Nuva. 8)“Your Turaga of Earth seems very worried. He said that they passed her from New Atero in search of a Toa named Lesovikk9)Mazeka frowned; he had heard of this Toa named Lesovikk, it was said that he had lead the first Toa team, and that his entire team had been killed due his hesitation in battle. He had never quite forgiven himself for the mistake, and it had driven him to the point of insanity. Mazeka said, “Tell Whenua that I’ll lead a search party to find them.”Tarduk said, “I’ll come with you, just give me a moment.”

Numbered like the last time.1) I believe that this way ir works better "and, as he stared down at his arms, they were normal again."2) usually, it's put this way with spaces "hoping he would find answers - and people to kill - once he reached the shore…"3) "throne", perhaps, not thrown4) "with the construction being surveyed"5) this may be a formatting error as it may not be such, but I suppose this "Jaller turned as one of the Agori ran up and asked him to help hold a support in place while they nailed it together. Jaller nodded and went off to help…" wasn't meant to be in italic6) "Now it was inside a rocky fortress"?7) I don't understand what does since stay for, here. Any explanations?8) "passed here"?9) two things here: first, "due to his hesitation in battle."; second, this part is too fast, in my opinion. Did Mazeka have any reasons to do that? Did he choose to do that thing on instant, without reasons?Aside from these typing errors and unclear spots, I'd say that you're doing a very good job, that is seemingly rising costantly, as for quality.For I think you've got solid basis to write on, and you've built something very strong already on it, I'd warmly recommend you to keep it up, you're doing a great job. Build a palace on those foundations!

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#7 Offline joev14

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Posted Sep 15 2012 - 02:40 PM

This review refers just to Chapter 6, joev, I couldn't read the others.Well, this time we have a nice idea, an Alternate Teridax who actually helps good people. The plot still is a little bit confused, with many point of views and jumps from event to event. I suppose you'll explain everything during a chapter, right?Whatever, with this chapter you showed us a great imagination and the whole plotting of this episode looks very good, IMO. As for words, another good job. Even if I found the following errors or unclear spots, this chapter was an average writing quality, much more than the previous. Thumb up, joev!

1)and he stared down at his arms, they were normal again.2)hoping he would find answers-and people to kill-once he reached the shore…3)Miserix sat on his newly built thrown4)with the construction eing surveyed by both the Toa Hagah and the Toa Nuva,5)We escaped before we were noticed, and soon ran into Onua, who relayed the story to us. We began the construction of New Tajun, and Onua left to go join the rest of the Toa Nuva, since it seemed like we had things under control. I sent Hewkii, Kongu, and a Toa of Gravity named Kolar off to set up a miniature lookout post, to direct survivors of the Matoran Universe who hadn’t been inside the Mata Nui Robot to the new villages. Jaller turned as one of the Agori ran up and asked him to help hold a support in place while they nailed it together. Jaller nodded and went off to help…6)Now it inside a rocky fortress that had once belonged to a group known as the Skrall,7)but they had since abandoned it to join in the new community lead by the Toa Nuva.8)“Your Turaga of Earth seems very worried. He said that they passed her from New Atero in search of a Toa named Lesovikk9)Mazeka frowned; he had heard of this Toa named Lesovikk, it was said that he had lead the first Toa team, and that his entire team had been killed due his hesitation in battle. He had never quite forgiven himself for the mistake, and it had driven him to the point of insanity. Mazeka said, “Tell Whenua that I’ll lead a search party to find them.”Tarduk said, “I’ll come with you, just give me a moment.”

Numbered like the last time.1) I believe that this way ir works better "and, as he stared down at his arms, they were normal again."2) usually, it's put this way with spaces "hoping he would find answers - and people to kill - once he reached the shore…"3) "throne", perhaps, not thrown4) "with the construction being surveyed"5) this may be a formatting error as it may not be such, but I suppose this "Jaller turned as one of the Agori ran up and asked him to help hold a support in place while they nailed it together. Jaller nodded and went off to help…" wasn't meant to be in italic6) "Now it was inside a rocky fortress"?7) I don't understand what does since stay for, here. Any explanations?8) "passed here"?9) two things here: first, "due to his hesitation in battle."; second, this part is too fast, in my opinion. Did Mazeka have any reasons to do that? Did he choose to do that thing on instant, without reasons?Aside from these typing errors and unclear spots, I'd say that you're doing a very good job, that is seemingly rising costantly, as for quality.For I think you've got solid basis to write on, and you've built something very strong already on it, I'd warmly recommend you to keep it up, you're doing a great job. Build a palace on those foundations!

I'll fix all those typos, I've actually noticed a few myself and fixed some of those already. As for question number 9, it's not Mazeka who hesitated, it was Lesovikk. :P sorry if I was unclear, I'll try and reword it so it's clearer that this is talking about Lesovikk, not Mazeka. For number 7, since acts the same way as the word recently. Ex. they had recently abandoned it to join in to the new community led by the Toa Nuva. (also, just noticed it's supposed to be led, not lead). for 4 and 5, itallics are used to indicate that we've switched from 3rd person to the 1st person view of Jaller.

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Joev14, Owner of Infinite Inspiration Incorporated

 .
My Epics
The Powers That Be Continuation | The Yesterday Quest Continuation
Secrets of the Star Cont. | End of the Beginning Cont. (VIDEO PODCAST SERIES) | Element of Surprise Cont.
 .
My Short Stories 
The Last Memories | Birth of the Kal | Key of the Codrex | Web of Karzahni
The Depths Below | Monster | Out of the Darkness | Archive

.

audio_narration_project_banner_wide.jpg

The project that aims to create narrated versions of all the Bionicle books, with voice actors for each character, and music taken from various other media to enhance the story. PM me if you're interested in auditioning for a role!

 

Interested in being a part of a large-scale Bionicle 2015 Convention? Check out this topic!


#8 Offline I Exist

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Posted Sep 16 2012 - 09:12 PM

I loved the new chapters.However, you mentionned earlier that Mantax was mysteriously dead, and then, he welcomes Takadox when he arrived?Anyway, I guess we will find out why in future chapters.
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#9 Offline joev14

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Posted Sep 17 2012 - 09:27 AM

I loved the new chapters.However, you mentionned earlier that Mantax was mysteriously dead, and then, he welcomes Takadox when he arrived?Anyway, I guess we will find out why in future chapters.

Takadox killed Mantax

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Joev14, Owner of Infinite Inspiration Incorporated

 .
My Epics
The Powers That Be Continuation | The Yesterday Quest Continuation
Secrets of the Star Cont. | End of the Beginning Cont. (VIDEO PODCAST SERIES) | Element of Surprise Cont.
 .
My Short Stories 
The Last Memories | Birth of the Kal | Key of the Codrex | Web of Karzahni
The Depths Below | Monster | Out of the Darkness | Archive

.

audio_narration_project_banner_wide.jpg

The project that aims to create narrated versions of all the Bionicle books, with voice actors for each character, and music taken from various other media to enhance the story. PM me if you're interested in auditioning for a role!

 

Interested in being a part of a large-scale Bionicle 2015 Convention? Check out this topic!


#10 Online Click

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Posted Sep 17 2012 - 10:34 PM

You know, I'm really enjoying this. I'm glad that someone is continuing the forgotten serials, and you are doing a great job. There's a lot of great ideas I like, particularly MIserix creating more Makuta and the return of Ahkmou, finally as a Toa of Shadow.The one problem I have with this story though, is its dependance on the return of deceased characters. I mean, we have Sidorak, Matoro, Zaktan, and Tridax, all of whom we are fairly sure are dead. And not only that, but a lot of characters get new powers that they shouldn't have, like that whole Realm of Darkness reincarnation thing, Tuyet's "Mask of Destruction," and Zaktan's shapeshifting. I guess it would be a lot more believable if we actually got some consistancy with previous events, that's all I'm saying.Other than that, it's a great read. I'll be watching it.
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#11 Offline The Renegade Emperor

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Posted Sep 30 2012 - 09:39 AM

Regarding just chapter 7, good job. Short one, true, but it's okay. I'd however saved some cartoonish images like the stars floating around Teridax's head from being put in it, for the original epic was meant to have a serious tone.I also spotted some minor grammar errors, as well as some double words.One thing I'd like to get explained is, Visorak in the Red Star? Is it explained in the following chapters, or what?Anyways, good job, yet I saw more quality before this chapter.
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#12 Offline joev14

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Posted Sep 30 2012 - 12:48 PM

Regarding just chapter 7, good job. Short one, true, but it's okay. I'd however saved some cartoonish images like the stars floating around Teridax's head from being put in it, for the original epic was meant to have a serious tone.I also spotted some minor grammar errors, as well as some double words.One thing I'd like to get explained is, Visorak in the Red Star? Is it explained in the following chapters, or what?Anyways, good job, yet I saw more quality before this chapter.

I put the stars thing in as a sort of comic relief, a lot of people say i shouldn't put stuff like that in, but it's just simply my writing style and I don't like to keep an extremely serious tone for the entire chapter. Yes, the Visorak part is explained in the next chapter I believe.

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Joev14, Owner of Infinite Inspiration Incorporated

 .
My Epics
The Powers That Be Continuation | The Yesterday Quest Continuation
Secrets of the Star Cont. | End of the Beginning Cont. (VIDEO PODCAST SERIES) | Element of Surprise Cont.
 .
My Short Stories 
The Last Memories | Birth of the Kal | Key of the Codrex | Web of Karzahni
The Depths Below | Monster | Out of the Darkness | Archive

.

audio_narration_project_banner_wide.jpg

The project that aims to create narrated versions of all the Bionicle books, with voice actors for each character, and music taken from various other media to enhance the story. PM me if you're interested in auditioning for a role!

 

Interested in being a part of a large-scale Bionicle 2015 Convention? Check out this topic!


#13 Offline The Renegade Emperor

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Posted Sep 30 2012 - 12:52 PM

Oh, that's okay. If it is part of your style, then it's fine. Just don't exaggerate. It kinda ruins the atmosphere, in my opinion.
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#14 Offline Dual Cee

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Posted Nov 20 2012 - 12:02 PM

I didn't really like the story1 It contradicts all story info from Greg (Not your fault)2 Almost all important beings died without a good story3 Miserix is BadAltough it is well-writenSorry for my bad comments here but I really like your short stories
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