Jump to content

Fall of Miserix, Review Topic


Timelady Gallade

Recommended Posts

Alright, I'm afraid this epic is of utmost unprofessional quality. But that can easily be fixed. First of all, the chapter is extremely, extremely being emphasized, short. This really needs to be fixed. I'm not asking for a huge chapter that takes quite a bit of time to read, but at least a page's worth would suffice. It's important that you both interest your readers and give them descriptive paragraphs, as well as giving them a lot more detail and information per chapter than a paragraph's worth.Secondly, the grammar is--I apologize if this sounds harsh--atrocious. There is a lot of room for improvement in this area; a lot. But it will all come with time and experience. Here are some grammatical suggestions:

1. Gali was practicing her axe-throwing in the Keongtu jungle she had just calculated the angle she needed and she throwed when suddenly, a shadow toa jumped up to attack her when suddenly the axes hit her arms.2. 'Eeoow! Wat-da tht fro?' she screamed. The shadow toa talked in slang.3. Gali ran up to her because even though she was a shadow toa.4. She quickly calmed down the shadow toa.5. 'Tell me your name,Shadow toa.' Gali asked. 'No.Free me and i shall tell you.'
1. A: The first part of the sentence should be as follows: Gali was practicing her axe-throwing in the Keongtu jungle. A period is needed here; otherwise, the clause would be considered a run-on sentence.B: The second part of the sentence should be: She calculated the angle required to hit her target and threw the axe. There is no need to say "She had just" in this sentence. There seems to be a bit of a verb case issue because of this. Also, "Throwed" is technically not a word, and even if it were, the correct form to use in past tense would be "Threw". I also added "required to hit her target" because "the angle she needed" sounds a bit vague, in my opinion.C: The third part should be: But suddenly a Shadow Toa jumped up, attempted to attack her, but failed when Gali's axe hit her arm. This sentence also suffers from some verb tense issues. "Jumped up to attack her" and "the axes hit her arm" are inconsistent with each other. The first clause is in the past tense, and the latter in present tense. I easily fixed the tenses though so you could see the difference. I also cancelled out the second use of "Suddenly" because it's very repetitive to use the same word twice in a sentence, or even a paragraph. Checking for synonyms of specific words in a thesaurus can sometimes be helpful. This also makes a sentence more interesting.2. This should be: "Eeoww! What-da heck was that for?" the Shadow Toa screamed in slang. First off, when writing direct quotations, you have to use Quotation marks (") rather than Single Quotation marks ('), also known as apostrophes. Secondly, the slang that the Shadow Toa used made little sense and was in horrible grammar. I edited that to something more plausible. Lastly, there is no need to have to separate sentences saying "she screamed" and "she said this in slang". It's much easier, and more efficient, to just join the two clauses together like I wrote it.3. I'm not quite sure what you meant by this, but I'm pretty sure this is what you intended to write: Gali ran up to her even though she was a Shadow Toa.4. To be honest, this sentence isn't really necessary. I would just leave it out. It really doesn't add that much detail to the paragraph.5. This should be: "Tell me your name, Shadow Toa," Gali commanded. "Not unless you free me!" replied the Shadow Toa. Again, incorrect usage of single quotation marks. I would say "Gali commanded" rather than "Gali asked" as she is not really asking the Shadow Toa her name, but, instead, commanding her to. I would also say "Not unless you free me!" rather than "No, free me and I shall tell you." Overall, it just works better and it sounds pretty good. I also added in "replied the Shadow Toa" after the quotation so that the reader acknowledges that the Shadow Toa is speaking.I don't really understand the plot or what you're going to be doing in this epic, for that matter. But all in all, you did a pretty good job for your, I'm assuming, first epic chapter. You have a lot of potential, and also a lot a work to do. But with help, I can see you getting pretty good. Good job and keep up the good work! :)-Rez
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Alright, I'm afraid this epic is of utmost unprofessional quality. But that can easily be fixed. First of all, the chapter is extremely, extremely being emphasized, short. This really needs to be fixed. I'm not asking for a huge chapter that takes quite a bit of time to read, but at least a page's worth would suffice. It's important that you both interest your readers and give them descriptive paragraphs, as well as giving them a lot more detail and information per chapter than a paragraph's worth.Secondly, the grammar is--I apologize if this sounds harsh--atrocious. There is a lot of room for improvement in this area; a lot. But it will all come with time and experience. Here are some grammatical suggestions:
1. Gali was practicing her axe-throwing in the Keongtu jungle she had just calculated the angle she needed and she throwed when suddenly, a shadow toa jumped up to attack her when suddenly the axes hit her arms.2. 'Eeoow! Wat-da tht fro?' she screamed. The shadow toa talked in slang.3. Gali ran up to her because even though she was a shadow toa.4. She quickly calmed down the shadow toa.5. 'Tell me your name,Shadow toa.' Gali asked. 'No.Free me and i shall tell you.'
1. A: The first part of the sentence should be as follows: Gali was practicing her axe-throwing in the Keongtu jungle. A period is needed here; otherwise, the clause would be considered a run-on sentence.B: The second part of the sentence should be: She calculated the angle required to hit her target and threw the axe. There is no need to say "She had just" in this sentence. There seems to be a bit of a verb case issue because of this. Also, "Throwed" is technically not a word, and even if it were, the correct form to use in past tense would be "Threw". I also added "required to hit her target" because "the angle she needed" sounds a bit vague, in my opinion.C: The third part should be: But suddenly a Shadow Toa jumped up, attempted to attack her, but failed when Gali's axe hit her arm. This sentence also suffers from some verb tense issues. "Jumped up to attack her" and "the axes hit her arm" are inconsistent with each other. The first clause is in the past tense, and the latter in present tense. I easily fixed the tenses though so you could see the difference. I also cancelled out the second use of "Suddenly" because it's very repetitive to use the same word twice in a sentence, or even a paragraph. Checking for synonyms of specific words in a thesaurus can sometimes be helpful. This also makes a sentence more interesting.2. This should be: "Eeoww! What-da heck was that for?" the Shadow Toa screamed in slang. First off, when writing direct quotations, you have to use Quotation marks (") rather than Single Quotation marks ('), also known as apostrophes. Secondly, the slang that the Shadow Toa used made little sense and was in horrible grammar. I edited that to something more plausible. Lastly, there is no need to have to separate sentences saying "she screamed" and "she said this in slang". It's much easier, and more efficient, to just join the two clauses together like I wrote it.3. I'm not quite sure what you meant by this, but I'm pretty sure this is what you intended to write: Gali ran up to her even though she was a Shadow Toa.4. To be honest, this sentence isn't really necessary. I would just leave it out. It really doesn't add that much detail to the paragraph.5. This should be: "Tell me your name, Shadow Toa," Gali commanded. "Not unless you free me!" replied the Shadow Toa. Again, incorrect usage of single quotation marks. I would say "Gali commanded" rather than "Gali asked" as she is not really asking the Shadow Toa her name, but, instead, commanding her to. I would also say "Not unless you free me!" rather than "No, free me and I shall tell you." Overall, it just works better and it sounds pretty good. I also added in "replied the Shadow Toa" after the quotation so that the reader acknowledges that the Shadow Toa is speaking.I don't really understand the plot or what you're going to be doing in this epic, for that matter. But all in all, you did a pretty good job for your, I'm assuming, first epic chapter. You have a lot of potential, and also a lot a work to do. But with help, I can see you getting pretty good. Good job and keep up the good work! :)-Rez
Hey, still better than my hero factory mocing skills!

BJvKYW4.png

P̴̡͘r̛̕a̵͟i̷͞s͢͠é̴̢̛̕ ̛͡t̴̶̨͞h͢҉̶e̢͟ ̸̢͢͠R͢é̷͏̶d̸͘͞ ̴͟͡͏͞a͞n̶̛̕̕҉d̶͠͞͞ ̶̡̧B̷̛l̀҉a҉̢́͟c̕͠k̢͠ ̶̸̡͟͢Ģ͞͝͏͝ó̕d̛͢͢͡͠.̧҉.̷̧̛͟͞.̀҉̴
̧̨̧̡

Minecraft username: furno5943

3DS Friend code: 5043 2524 8032

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...