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Leave Out All The Rest Songfic Ch.1


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#1 Offline M.I.A

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  • 14-June 08
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Posted Sep 21 2012 - 09:16 AM

Wrote this a few years ago. First songifc in a series.

Leave Out All The Rest

I dreamed I was missing, you were so scaredBut no one would listen, 'cause no one else caredAfter my dreaming, I woke with this fearWhat am I leaving when I'm done here?"Anyone?" Screamed Macku. She ran from the shadowy figures stalking the through the trees."Macku?" Screamed Hewkii. "Guys, we have to go search for her. Come on." Hewkii said to the pack of Le-Matoran."No way." The Le-Matoran said in unison. "We don't like water, and she loves it. No way.""You guys are cold." Hewkii shot back as he ran in search of Macku."Don't let me die, don't let me die." Macku mumbled under a tree as it started pouring.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"What happened?" Macku asked herself as she slowly got out of bed. "Where would I have gone if that wasn't a dream?"So if you're asking me, I want you to knowWhen my time comes, forget the wrong that I've doneHelp me leave behind some reasons to be missedDon't resent me, and when you're feeling emptyKeep me in your memory, leave out all the restMacku walked through the streets in search of Hewkii's house. She found it and knocked on the door as this thought coursed through her mind. What do I do if I die?Hewkii answered the door. Surprised to see Macku there, he asked "Why did you come all this way?""I just wanted to tell you..." Macku managed to get out as she started crying. "That I need your help to do something that you will remember ."Hewkii now felt some different feeling coming from Macku that he never knew existed. "Why?" He asked with remorse."I just......didn't want you to.....hate me......when I......die!" Macku could barely make out as she collapsed to the ground while balling.Leave out all the rest, don't be afraidI've taken my beating, I've shared what I madeI'm strong on the surface, not all the way throughI've never been perfect, but neither have you"What are you talking about?" Hewkii demanded."I'm the one who killed Jala!" Macku stated while trying to hold herself mentally together.Hewkii didn't hesitate for a moment. He swept her of her feet and threw her out the door. He then chucked a rock at her and hit her square in the face."Hewkii?" Macku screamed.So if you're asking me, I want you to knowWhen my time comes, forget the wrong that I've doneHelp me leave behind some reasons to be missedDon't resent me, and when you're feeling emptyKeep me in your memory, leave out all the restLeave out all the rest"Please Hewkii, I didn't mean to do it!" Macku shouted as loud as she could while being dragged off by some other Po-Matoran."Hewkii!" Macku yelled.Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so wellPretending someone else can come and save me from myselfI can't be who you areHewkii stormed through his house tearing down anything Macku had given him. "I can't believe she would do that." Hewkii spat.Hewkii tore down a slab of stone Macku had given him. He saw a flash of something on the back as it fell to the floor. He picked it up and saw a little chip in it. He picked away at it in frustration, then saw a little square tab of stone fall out from in a little compartment. Hewkii started reading..."Hewkii. I'm sorry to put you through that. If I did not take the blame for Jala's death then....they would have killed you. I took it because I didn't want you to die.I'm sorry Hewkii...."Hewkii dropped the stone and ran for the volcano trying to stop what was bound to happen...When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've doneHelp me leave behind some reasons to be missedDon't resent me, and when you're feeling emptyKeep me in your memory, leave out all the restLeave out all the restHewkii saw a 3 stone beams, 2 up, and 1 across on top of them. He saw a piece of vine with the dangling figure he made out to be Macku. He ran up the path screaming for them to stop......He was to late. He heard the terrified screams of Macku as she entered the lava."You lunatic," Hewkii screamed in Turaga Vakama's face. "Why did you do that?" He demanded."She killed Jala." The turaga simply stated. "That is what happens to people who kill.""Well read this!" Hewkii spat out in a terrifying rage.The turaga casually toke the tablet and read. He then dropped the stone with resentment written all over his face.Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so wellPretending someone else can come and save me from myselfI can't be who you are"My fellow villagers, we have made a grave mistake." The turaga began. "Macku was innocent in killing Jala. I'm sorry to bring about this horrible news.""Let us remember Macku without any resentment. For she saved a very noble villager. Let us remember Macku with great pride." The turaga said in a very remorseful voice.I can't be who you are

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#2 Online Phovos

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Posted Sep 21 2012 - 12:36 PM

Well, that felt very random. We started off with a dream about water and Le~Matoran, we ended up with Macku being killed for the murder of Jaller, and the sudden appearance of proof that said she didn‘t do it. It feels like five stories thrown together and it didn‘t help the story at all.Macku doesn‘t seem like the person who would kill Jaller. Hewkii probably wouldn‘t have acted the way he did. I‘m sure Turaga don‘t do executions. And even if Macku was a murderer, I think a suicide would have been a more fitting death. The sudden appearance of a slab declaring her innocence was the straw that broke the camel‘s back. It felt like a rather bad plot device, as if you suddenly decided that Macku was too good to make into a bad guy.Also, what is up on the randomly bolded words? They made little sense to me. Emphasis is one thing but it didn‘t work here.The idea is good, but I feel the story was hastily put together, as if too many sub~ideas had been mashed up messily.
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