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Shadow of the Day Songfic Ch. 2

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#1 Offline M.I.A

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  • Encountering Protodermis

  • 14-June 08
  • 811 posts

Posted Sep 21 2012 - 10:45 AM

I recently re-read my old songfic and decided to write another. As I reached the end of this one, i decided to make them a kind of series. So this one is about three years newer lol.I close both locks below the windowI close both blinds and turn awaySometimes solutions aren't so simpleSometimes goodbye's the only way Hewkii walked around his hut to make sure he’d grabbed the most important objects for survival. I’ve already given away most of my possessions, now I just have to worry about what to carry with me.A knock came at the door, “Hello??” asked a familiar voice. The voice sounded haste and confused.Hewkii already knew in his mind what this visit was about, and was anticipating some trouble in the coming conversation.As the door opened, a familiar shadow shone across the ground, one Hewkii had come to know and love over the times…it was Toa Pohatu.“Hewkii! I heard that you are leaving, but for where?? Please don’t tell me that you are feeling guilty for Mackus’ death, it wasn’t your fault,” the toa said while still gasping for breath. He walked in and shut the door behind him. His usual tall and strong posture had escaped him in the current situation.“She was killed by a quick and stupid decision by the Turagas, I want to learn more about Jala’s death and I can’t do that when everyone around here just wants to put it in the past,” Hewkii vented as he went around closing all the windows.“Nobody cares anymore,” he mumbled as he bumped Pohatu’s shoulder on the way out the door. Pohatu turned around to watch him go…Hewkii’s figure grew smaller with every second as he walked off into the dim sunset. And the sun will set for youThe sun will set for youAnd the shadow of the dayWill embrace the world in greyAnd the sun will set for youHewkii walked down to the edge of Po-Nui, where the large canyon of stone came to an end. As the sun shone off the cliffs, it gave the valley a very empty feeling to it. I just want out of here now, he thought to himself.“Hello! Who goes there?” boomed the guard at the gate. He was still a long way off, but could see the ever growing shadow of the matoran approaching him.Hewkii waited another couple of minutes to reply rather than wasting his voice over the dry barren ground. “It’s me, Hewkii.”“I had heard you were coming this way, I just wasn’t sure why.”“Well…” Hewkii started as the previous events played back in his mind. A tear rolled down his face and hit the ground. The desert below him seemed to swallow up the liquid, almost not sure what it was…Pink cards and flowers on your windowYour friends all plead for you to staySometimes beginnings aren't so simpleSometimes goodbye's the only wayExcuse me?” asked the guard inquisitively. He just watched as the matoran seemed to be deep in thought, almost as when someone pondered life.“Yeah, sorry about that. The uh…sun was just in my eyes, well, have a good day.” Hewkii mumbled, choking on his own tears. He started to shuffle through the gate when he looked ahead and saw Takua and Puku running torwards him.“We rushed over from Ta-Nui as soon as we heard you were leaving!” shouted the still distant Ta-matoran. He and Hewkii had been close up until Jalas’ death, then the friendship just seemed to fade.“Just please leave me alone, I only wish to go on without a hassle.”Takau waved his hand backwards to the goodbye party hiding behind a boulder about 50 meters away to stay put. “But all of your friends are here, leaving won’t change anything about Mackus’ death Hewkii, you must realize that.”“What I realize is that someone forced Macku to take the fall for them, threatening her with my life. I also realize the matoran and Turagas are too scared to find out who and the toa can’t do anything unless the Turaga permit. I’m leaving, there’s no point in trying to stop me.”And the sun will set for youThe sun will set for youAnd the shadow of the dayWill embrace the world in greyAnd the sun will set for youThe matoran turn to watch Hewkii go. Some are pleading him to stay, “Please Hewkii!! Don’t go! He’s out there!”Hewkii just turned his head to where he could barely see them out of the corner of his eyes “I know…”And the shadow of the dayWill embrace the world in greyAnd the sun will set for youAs he rounded the bend, he could no longer hear the screams of his fellow matoran. The pathway leading down the canyon was darkened by the shadow set forth by the setting sun. Hewkii could see the many shadows of rahi he and his fellow matoran had spent their whole lives trying to avoid.“What have I done?” his soft voice came out softly. “I’m looking for Macku’s killer, that is a noble cause and nothing anyone or anything does can stop me,” the voice came again, this time booming with confidence.As soon as Hewkii said this, a chill went down his back and a sinister voice creeped into his mind. Are you so sure about that Hewkii? Do you remember what your fellow matoran said just before you came out here? Who is waiting for you? Well I still am…I still am…And the shadow of the dayWill embrace the world in greyAnd the sun will set for you
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#2 Offline Phovos

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  • Nuhvok-Kal Collapsed

  • 07-September 07
  • 4,309 posts

Posted Sep 21 2012 - 12:46 PM

Okay, mixed emotions here. This made more sense than your previous songfic but it still felt a bit rough along the edges. First off, timing. How could Takua, even with Pewku, manage to get from Ta~Koro to Po~Koro so quickly? The same goes for the appearance from the party of Matoran.Second, I have a niggle. I don‘t think the plural of Turaga is Turagas. I think it is the same for Toa and Matoran. All those words ought to be capitalised too. Little inconsistencies bug the reader.The emotions displayed in general by the characters are very mixed. Hewkii seems to jump from sad to angry to determined to sad again very quickly. Same for the other characters. Hewkii‘s sudden hesitation at the end did‘t help.Finally, the “He is still out there!“ plea. Great idea, but how do they know it is a he? Or a Matoran? Or anything?This is much better than the previous chapter but it still has some rough edges.
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