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Yet another comedy I will probably forget about...


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9 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Phovos

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Posted Sep 21 2012 - 12:26 PM

“So, what do we have here?“ Nidhiki asked as he pulled a lump of fluff out of his teeth. “Seems like I‘ve been doing some kind of portal~jumping... Or at least some time travelling... Because I have no idea who any of you are!“The green dinosaur critter pulled an earpiece out of her ear, then wondered where else could an earpiece go, then glanced at Nidhki. “Oh, us? We‘re the new adventure team that has been assigned to you to help you in your journey through this pointless comedy. You can call me Phovos.““Oh...“ Nidhiki scratched his chin. “You look just like a Raptor but not mechanical.““That‘s pretty much me in a single sentence. Anyway, you wanna meet the team?““Meet the team? No one said anything about those RED TF videos...“ A human being wearing a light blue lab coat, boots and a scary looking backpack sighed. “I hate the RED team and I hate the Meet The Team videos more!““Calm down, Medic!“ Phovos laughed. “There are no RED morons here!““You say that now, those Spies could be anywhere...“ Medic tutted.“What is a Spy?“ the little green Bohrok butted in. “They sound cool.“Phovos rolled her eyes. “Nidhiki, that is Lehvak-Kal. The human is Medic. That over there is Eddy...“In the corner stood a completely black figure, who seemed to have purple glitter around him. “Hai :3. I‘m Eddy the Enderman. I like smilies :D. Or emoticons! ;)““Noooo!“ A little squeaky voice interrupted Eddy. It came from a... A pink worm with a bazooka? It had giant eyes, floating eyebrows and scarily human features. It also had hands. And a jetpack. And an arsenal of exploding sheep and banana bombs. “I will NOT be forced to listen to someone who uses SPOKEN EMOTICONS!“Phovos sighed. “That‘s Frooom. He‘s a worm. Probably the strongest one here...“Nidhiki grinned. “I doubt it.““Don‘t make me use my darn bloody bazooka on you, sonnyboy!“ Frooom threatened, firing a single rocket which bounced harmlessly off Nidhiki‘s armour.“Just go along with it...“ Medic whispered. “He is like Soldier. Rather usless really...““Huh. Well, this is going to be fun!“ Nidhiki sighed, not meaning a single word he said. “Anyone else?““Well, there is Arkay...“ Phovos glanced at what looked like a cross between a Bohrok and a Toa, wearing black and yellow armour. “He makes weapons.““And if you mention my armour...““We know!“ Phovos shouted. “We know. ANYWAY, what‘s our journey, Nidhiki?“Nidhiki scratched his head. “I have no idea!““That‘s MY line...“ Medic sighef under his breath.“We are all going to be great friends!“ Lehvak smiled optimistcally.“Wait, we don‘t have a journey yet?“ Phovos asked.“Nope!“Phovos growled. “Dag nabit, I wasted this first post on introductions!“
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#2 Offline Phovos

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Posted Sep 22 2012 - 07:17 AM

"So..." Nidhiki stomped up and down."Oh, by the way..." Phovos interrupted Nidhiki's trail of thought. "I didn't know you were a Raptor... Well, a mechanical, Bionicle Version of a Raptor..."Nidhiki looked up. "What's a Raptor? I'm just Nidhiki, twice-mutated ex-Toa, ex-Dark Hunter, eater of Matoran and Toa...""Vell, zhat is a better CV than I have..." Medic pouted. "All I have iz 5 years as a medical student, 3 years as a doctor, zhen a good 12 years in Doctor Assisted Homocide...""What in carnations is that?" Frooom asked. "Sounds like a made up job!""It means he was a mercenary, lol! ^^" Eddy grinned. "Or is a mercenary. Or something. Basically, he kills people.""Ach, nein, I just help vith zhe killing..." Medic frowned. "Zhe rest of zhe team do zhe killing...""Say..." Frooom scratched his floating eyebrow. "You have a really bad German accent now. Why didn't you have that in the previous chapter?""Oops...""Oops?" Medic, Eddy, Lehvak and Froom all repeated. "What do you mean, Oops?"Phovos blinked. "Erm, sorry. Continuity error. It's about the only thing I am good at.""What is a continuity error?" Lehvak asked. "Is it when they blast a character into space then forget all about said character, leaving him to rot up there for all eternity until some random person plonks him out of the sky and starts using him for their own sick, twisted uses?""Er, no, Lehvak...""Did that happen to you?" Nidhiki patted Lehvak on the head."Yes." Lehvak replied, feeling rather sad now."Aw, poor little Lehvak..." Nidhiki felt like comforting the Bohrok. "At least you died a good death. I got confused, accidentally betrayed my brother, got people killed, was exiled, worked for the Dark Hunters, got betrayed again, got mutated, ended up working for a Makuta, worked with a complete imbecile, then got eaten alive.""So, erm, how are you still here?" Arkay, who had been silent for the whole time, suddenly exclaimed. "I can understand Lehvak-Kal's continued existence due to the fact that he wasn't killed. Frooom hasn't died yet, neither have me or Phovos. Medic is kept alive by Team Fortress's RESPAWN technology. Eddy is eternal. So how in the Queens' names are you alive?"Nidhiki shrugged. "Convenient plot devices, I guess."Arkay seemed to get angry at this. "So where is MY convenient plot device?""In the shop!" Phovos butted in. "You can use it later when you're about to die or something!"Arkay snorted, then went back to work on his invisibility watch."HANG ON! ZHAT... ZHING IS A SPY!" Medic shouted, leaping out of his seat. "Only Spies have zhe invisibility vatches!""Nope." Arkay rolled his eyes. "Not true. I spent three years creating working copies of most of the weapons in Team Fortress 2, as well as other games. I even have a semi-working Medigun..."Medic slipped back into his chair. "Oh... Sorry...""So, Nidhiki..." Phovos tried to drive the conversation back to its main purpose. "What's our journey?"Nidhiki sighed. He had no idea. He'd been dumped in a room with a bunch of freaks, and had no idea what to do with them. Heck, he didn't even know what species Arkay was. Or if Arkay was in fact male. He guessed that Arkay was a guy, considering his odd-sounding voice. Was it him or was there a hint of an Australian accent there? Wait, what's an Australia?"It's a large country/continent/island in the Pacific..." Phovos answered."Are you reading my thoughts, Phovos?" Nidhiki growled.Phovos sighed. "No. Only Arkay and Lehvak-Kal have telepathy here. Plus, you were speaking out loud.""Oh.""So, do we have a journey thing yet, or can I just go home?" Arkay grunted.Nidhiki shook his head. "I do have a journey in mind. I want to find Lehvak-Kal's nest and take him home. I feel sorry for the guy.""Excuse me?" Lehvak-Kal somehow managed to look confused, despite not having facial features. "But do you not have your own journey?"Nidhiki nodded, forgetting that he was shaking his head a sentence ago. "I do, but you're a nice Bohrok. You never get any story time or anything. Let's take you home...""Alrighty then!" Phovos smiled.
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#3 Offline Phovos

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Posted Sep 23 2012 - 02:52 AM

"But... But..." Lehvak was stuck in a loop. Phovos had bashed him on the head several times in order to fix him, but it hadn't worked."Oh dear. I've broken him... How are we going to ask him where his home is now?" Nidhiki sighed. "That is NOT a good start to the journey..."Medic, Frooom and Eddy all snickered. "Ach, ve'll have to find another journey zhing now... Or ve could all just go home, of course...""We're not going home!" Phovos snapped. "Destiny or some other thing brought us all here for some strange reason, and I want to know what that reason is!"Lehvak-Kal suddenly snapped out of Broken-Record-Mode. "Destiny? Who said anything about Destiny?"Frooom laughed. "HAH! Destiny is for dumb maggots like Nidhiki here. Real worms carve their own way through the universe!""Guys..." Eddy interrupted. "Oh, and girl..." Eddy pointed around the room, a scared look on his face. One of the walls had moved. Like, completely moved. As in, it had rotated by 60 degrees. Eddy wished he knew where the degrees button was on his keyboard. Everyone gasped. The wall had revealed a secret passage way. No one knew where it went. But the secret passage way was rather dark and uninviting. It was almost as if it was saying "Come down here, IF YOU DARE!" at them."Of course I dare! I'm a manly worm!" Frooom exclaimed, getting out his jetpack that he had modified to give him unlimited fuel. "I am scared of nothing. Except concrete donkeys and Armageddon. Who isn't scared of meteor showers? Especially ones that destroy everything including the ground you are standing on!"Arkay rolled his eyes. "Let's just get this over with... Oh, hey, sweets!"There was a trail of sweets on the floor. A rather large trail of sweets."That could last me for months..." Arkay grinned, following the trail. Frooom fired up his jetpack, then realised it was just easier to hitch hike on Lehvak's head, so he flew over and landed on Lehvak's head, leaving a small scorch mark on the coffee table.Nidhiki and Eddy followed Arkay, and Lehvak and Frooom quickly followed. Phovos rolled her eyes at the burn mark on the coffee table, then grabbed Medic by the arm and dragged him down the secret passage way too."But I don't vant to go on zhis stooopid journey!" Medic protested. "I vant to be back in Teufort, stabbing Snipers in zhe back vith mein Ubersaw and getting free Ubercharges!""You're coming with us, whether you like it or not, Sawbones!" Phovos growled."I'm not Sawbones. I'm Doc. Sawbones is zhe RED Medic..." Medic protested, tugging at Phovos. "And I don't vant to go!""Tough luck!" Frooom jetpacked over and landed on Medic's shoulder. "Come on, you silly, cowardly maggot!"Medic blinked. "Vere you Soldier in a previous life?""I have no idea what you're talking about, maggot. Get moving!" Frooom poked Medic's neck, then jetpacked off back to Lehvak's head, where he'd set up a deck chair and a small coffee table. Lehvak hadn't even noticed.
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#4 Offline Phovos

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Posted Sep 24 2012 - 02:40 AM

"Well, I'm stumped..." Arkay was leading everyone down the hidden tunnel cave passage way thing, and now he was confused. Arkay didn't know what he was doing here with this group of maniacs. He was a sane being who had a job making non-lethal weaponry. He didn't need to be leading said bunch of maniacs on some wild goose chase down goodness knows where. "This darn thing, it goes on forever!""What's a goose?" Lehvak-Kal asked out of the blue. Even though he was green. "It sounds yummy."Arkay raised one of his imaginary eyebrows. He didn't actually have eyebrows, but if he did, he'd be raising them every couple of seconds. "It's, er, it's a large bird with a long neck that likes to sit on water in lakes." Then it occurred to him what Lehvak said. "What do you mean, yummy?"Lehvak shrugged. "I do not know. I just want to taste everything lately...""That's why you tried to take a bite out of my coffee table!" Phovos growled. "Bad enough Frooom burnt it with his jetpack, you left bloody bite marks in it!"Lehvak leapt behind Arkay, hoping the Bohrok-Human-Thingy would protect him. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean it... Is there any candy left?"Medic handed the Bohrok a treat then ate three on his own. "It iz great, not having to share vith mein team mates... Heavy iz a horrible, greedy man when it comes to sweets..."Arkay shook his head. "Okay, let me do some explaining. I'm a creature called a Threavok. I'm not at all related to humans. I AM related to the Bohrok species, but not to this mechanical Bohrok here. Both Bohrok and Threavok (and Ethravok, Rethavok, Rhetavok and Hertavok) are all members of the Panvok genre. Okay? I'm NOT a Bohrok...""You say that like it's a bad thing :P" Eddy grinned."But Bohrok are bad..." Lehvak sniffed. "The Toa always said that we were evil..."After remembering that this is in fact his comedy story thingy, and suddenly hearing Lehvak's words, Nidhiki scooped Lehvak up and put him on his shoulders. This made them top-heavy, which caused both him and Lehvak to fall over."Morons..." Frooom grunted as Phovos and Eddy helped pick the pair up. "When do we get to kill things?""Later..." Medic replied menacingly.Medic's words popped an idea into Arkay's brain. "Hey, Doc, why don't you turn on your Medi Gun? We could use it as a torch!" How the word 'Later' was linked to using an advanced healing tool as a lighting device reached Arkay's mind, he didn't know. That was almost as random as the trail of candy they were following.Suddenly, the trail stopped and the tunnel opened up. At the back was a huge door. In front of that was a set of scales. The floor was covered in badly hidden buttons, all of which probably fired arrows at people."I've seen this before... O.O! This is not good :(" Eddy sniffed. "This is like Indiana Jones! :P""Raiders of the Lost Ark?" Phovos asked."Never seen it..." Nidhiki sighed. "There isn't much TV in the Bionicle Underworld...""I've got it on DVD..." Arkay grinned."NEIN!" Medic shouted. "DON'T SPOIL IT!"Everyone blinked and stared at Medic."Vhat? I am going to see it in zhe cinema in December..." Medic sighed. "I'm from zhe past, ja. I haven't seen zhis stuff yet!"Phovos rolled her eyes. "I guess we need to put the sweets on the scales.""But we ate some of them..." Lehvak hiccuped.Frooom grinned. "Then I'll just stand on the scales too!"Phovos poured the sweets into the scales, then gently placed Frooom on top. After a few seconds of nothing, the door opened. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief and walked through the door. Frooom grinned again, then jetpacked off the scales.Suddenly, everything started shaking."Oh great. D: Knew this would happen..." Eddy sighed.Medic growled. "Dummkopfe. You've spoiled zhe film for me now..."
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#5 Offline Phovos

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Posted Sep 25 2012 - 08:05 AM

The large ball of LEGO suddenly fell out of the ceiling and started rolling towards them. How it managed to fit the actually rather small hole in the ceiling, no one could quite explain. Didn't matter, as they were too busy running away from the giant ball of LEGO."RUN!" Phovos shouted, nearly tripping over her own tail. "RUN FASTER!""You know, we could have just stopped and let the ball run in front of us! :D" Eddy grinned."But then the ball would get stuck in the exit and we'd be stuck inside!" Phovos growled. "I thought you were an Indiana Jones expert!""Oh... :S" Eddy sighed."STOP SPOILING ZHE FILM FOR ME!" Medic screamed, as Frooom landed on his head. "I vant to vatch the bloody film and not know zhe whole story!""Calm down, guys!" Nidhiki shouted at everyone. "Calm down and keep running away from the ball of LEGO!"Suddenly, Lehvak squealed to a halt. "Hey, I'm a ball of Lego, maybe I could reason with it?""Whatever, man, your funeral!" Frooom laughed. "And how do you 'squeal to a halt'? That's just silly."Lehvak ignored him and stood his ground. "Mister Large, Rolling Ball Of Lego, would you mind not trying to squish us please?"The ball stopped in its tracks. "Well, little rolling ball of Lego, since you asked so nicely, yes, I will stop trying to squish you.""Thank you!" Lehvak smiled as he spun around and walked calmly down towards the rest of the group, who were all blinking and rubbing their eyes in shock. "See! Being nice can help!"Medic took his glasses off, cleaned them, rubbed his eyes then put his glasses back on. "Did zhat happen in zhe Indiana Jones movie?""Erm... No..." Phovos shrugged."Well, shall we continue?" Lehvak smiled again. The Bohrok took three steps forward, then disappeared down a hole."Great..." Nidhiki grunted. "A hole..."Frooom jetpacked off Medic's head and disappeared down the tunnel. "Wait, this way is a dead end, maggots! Maybe we need to fall down the hole!""I am NOT going down there!" Phovos growled. "I only have one change of clothes. I don't want to get even muddier.""Who cares about clothes?" Nidhiki grunted again. "You're a Bionicle. Bionicle beings don't wear clothes. We look dumb in them.""Well, I like clothes, so nyah!" Phovos stuck her tongue out. Eddy and Medic just looked at each other and shrugged, before deciding to ignore the arguing pair and jump down the hole. Frooom shrugged too, and slowly lowered himself down the hole with his jetpack. Arkay, who had been left behind in the previous chapter, turned off his invisibility watch and jumped down the hole too.Nidhiki glanced at Phovos. "Ladies first.""I hate you..." Phovos relied as she jumped down the hole.At the bottom of the hole was a large puddle of water to stop people who fell down the hole from hurting themselves. Unless, of course, they were Eddy or Frooom, who were scared of water."Mein Freund Heavy has a special vord for you two. He'd call you BABIES!"Medic was getting rather annoyed, especially since he was carrying Eddy on his shoulders. Frooom was shivering like a coward on Arkay's head. Phovos was scowling because she was soaking wet. Nidhiki was annoyed because Phovos was annoyed. Lehvak was underwater, just the top of his head sticking out from the water's surface. Occasionally, he'd surface for air, but he was quite happy."Does anyone know where we are actually going?" Arkay asked after a large amount of rather boring silence."Nope." Phovos lied."Don't lie." Arkay grunted."I'm not.""You are. It says so right there..." Arkay pointed at the text that said " "Nope." Phovos lied."Phovos cursed. "Fine. We're heading to Minecraftia, where we can find a portal to Kolasi, and from there, we can head to Spherus Magna.""Wait... Teekay lives on Kolasi..." Arkay murmured to himself."Who?" Nidhiki asked."My dumb brother."
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#6 Offline Phovos

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Posted Sep 27 2012 - 06:51 AM

"Ohh! Shiny AND purple! Two things I don't see very much!" Lehvak-Kal pointed at the shiny purple glowy thing. "I like shiny, purple, glowing things."At the end of the water-logged tunnel was a strange, shiny, purple glowy thing. Actually, it was a portal, but Lehvak didn't know that. "Vhat is it?" Medic asked. "It does not look like any sort of portal I have seen... And I have seen portals...""Oh?" Phovos raised an eyebrow. "Really?""Ja, of course!" Medic smiled. "Vhat about zhe portal zhat brought us here?""Oh yeah...""So, what is it?" Lehvak asked. "Looks like it's glowy and shiny and purple."Eddy gently climbed down from Medic's shoulders. "It's a Nether Portal. A portal to the Minecraftian Nether. We need to go through it.""Oh yay. This will be fun..." Nidhiki sighed. "All at once or one at a time?"Eddy shook his head. "All at once. I hope there isn't a... HEY!"Everyone disappeared into the portal, leaving Eddy behind. With a groan, he plonked over and jumped into the portal too. On the other end, everything seemed nice and perky."Nice and perky?" Nidhiki growled. "Is this what you call nice and perky? This is nothing like nice and perky!"Lehvak nodded his head. "This is more like Ta-Koro...""Well, I was going to say otherwise, but I think that the BZPolice will arrest me..." Phovos grunted."Quiet, you... Now, were do we need to go from here?" Nidhiki and Phovos didn't seem to be getting along."Why aren't they getting along?" Arkay asked."Because they used to be the same person!" Lehvak joked."Pretty much..." Phovos tutted.Lehvak glanced at the others, then back at Phovos. "What, really?""Yes."Everyone fell silent. Finally, Eddy answered the original question. "We need to find another Nether Portal.. :S. Should be up in that Nether Fortress there...""What, the one just past that giant, white, screaming, cube-shaped thing with tentacles?" Lehvak asked."Yes, :D exactly!" Eddy replied cheerfully.Nidhiki rolled his eyes so hard he could see the inside of his skull. "This is going so well..."
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#7 Offline fishers64

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Posted Oct 01 2012 - 02:50 AM

CCC Review:

The green dinosaur critter pulled an earpiece out of her ear, then wondered where else could an earpiece go,

Awkward sentence. Probably better as “The green dinosaur critter pulled an earpiece out of her ear, then wondered where else an earpiece could go.”

Phovos sighed. “That‘s Frooom. He‘s a worm. Probably the strongest one here...“Nidhiki grinned. “I doubt it.“

This part stood out to me as done well, particularly because it brings Nidhiki out as bitterly sarcastic, something I’ve always seen in him.However, I’m noting that with the exception of Nidhiki and Levak-Kal, all of your characters are not Bionicle. It worries me that those two characters might easily be replaced – the purpose of this forum is to tell funny stories about Bionicle and/or Lego, not tell funny stories from real life with randomly inserted Bionicle characters to avoid having this end up in CoT. Watch that. Oh…and there’s Arkay…also seemingly thrown in for the purpose of making this Bionicle…

“He is like Soldier. Rather usless really...“

Misspelled – should be “useless”.

“That‘s MY line...“ Medic sighef under his breath.

Should be “sighed”. Watch those typos!Chapter 2:

Nidhiki looked up. "What's a Raptor? I'm just Nidhiki, twice-mutated ex-Toa, ex-Dark Hunter, eater of Matoran and Toa..."

Nidhiki was mutated twice? That’s news to me.Chapter 3:

Frooom laughed. "HAH! Destiny is for dumb maggots like Nidhiki here. Real worms carve their own way through the universe!"

This line stuck me as funny for some reason. No idea why.I like Frooom – rather inventive for a non-Bionicle character. The other non-Bionicle characters feel like references to things I know nothing about or are washed out and shoved to the side so I don’t really get to know them.* * *So, aside from the few times I mentioned above, I didn’t really find this funny, exactly. You’ve done an excellent job of characterizing the characters, but so far I haven’t seen them in action yet, despite the fact that you’ve already written six chapters. There were a couple bright moments in the dialogue between the characters, but nothing that would really bring out their unique differences the way a battle scene would (Hopefully that’s coming next…).You also don’t seem to have a clear vision for where this comedy is supposed to go and what the characters are supposed to do, and it shows. Try to focus on what would logically happen next, and how certain characters can react to the situation that’s going on. You’re already doing that to an extant, but you need to do it more.Also, you went about four chapters or so before you found what the characters were really doing – traveling to Spherus Magna. This might indicate a problem that my writing professor points out often – rambling until you get to the main point. In future comedy, you might wish to write until you find that purpose for bringing whatever characters together before you start posting, and then go from there. This might resolve the other problem you have – you’re not taking advantage of the fact that the reason Nidhiki arrived in that room and is going on this journey with these companions is indeed a mystery. Who sent Nidhiki on this journey? Why? Why does Nidhiki not really care about this? Does he? Do the other characters? And if so, why or why do they not care? I mean, if I was suddenly ripped away from reality, I think I would have some questions, but none of these characters do. It’s unrealistic and abstract, even for someone as depressed as Nidhiki. I would almost think that Nidhiki would want revenge on whoever sent him to this reality and forced him to work with these strange characters…and yet…nothing.You have a great idea here, but you really should have thought this through just a little bit more before posting. 5/10 here. Keep working, Phovos – I know that you can do this if you give it a little more thought without being in a hurry to post.

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#8 Offline Phovos

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Posted Oct 01 2012 - 03:13 AM

Well, it appears that rambling is the only thing I'm good at, especially since I'm making this up as I go along.And hang on, there are 4 Bionicle characters. Phovos, Nidhiki, Lehvak and Arkay. Only Frooom, Eddy and Medic are non-Bionicle characters.
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#9 Offline fishers64

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Posted Oct 01 2012 - 09:32 PM

Well, it appears that rambling is the only thing I'm good at, especially since I'm making this up as I go along.And hang on, there are 4 Bionicle characters. Phovos, Nidhiki, Lehvak and Arkay. Only Frooom, Eddy and Medic are non-Bionicle characters.

Phovos is a Bionicle character? It wasn't exactly clear, as there weren't too many raptors in Bionicle. I do remember plans for biomechanical dinosaurs, however, so maybe that wasn't too far off.

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#10 Offline Phovos

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Posted Oct 02 2012 - 03:31 AM

The BZP Phovos that appears here is indeed a Bionicle. She has her own MOC and everything.Either way, they'll be fighting ghasts in the next chapter.
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