Yet another comedy I will probably forget about...
Posted Sep 21 2012 - 12:26 PM
Posted Sep 22 2012 - 07:17 AM
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Posted Sep 27 2012 - 06:51 AM
Posted Oct 01 2012 - 02:50 AM
Awkward sentence. Probably better as “The green dinosaur critter pulled an earpiece out of her ear, then wondered where else an earpiece could go.”
The green dinosaur critter pulled an earpiece out of her ear, then wondered where else could an earpiece go,
This part stood out to me as done well, particularly because it brings Nidhiki out as bitterly sarcastic, something I’ve always seen in him.However, I’m noting that with the exception of Nidhiki and Levak-Kal, all of your characters are not Bionicle. It worries me that those two characters might easily be replaced – the purpose of this forum is to tell funny stories about Bionicle and/or Lego, not tell funny stories from real life with randomly inserted Bionicle characters to avoid having this end up in CoT. Watch that. Oh…and there’s Arkay…also seemingly thrown in for the purpose of making this Bionicle…
Phovos sighed. “That‘s Frooom. He‘s a worm. Probably the strongest one here...“Nidhiki grinned. “I doubt it.“
Misspelled – should be “useless”.
“He is like Soldier. Rather usless really...“
Should be “sighed”. Watch those typos!Chapter 2:
“That‘s MY line...“ Medic sighef under his breath.
Nidhiki was mutated twice? That’s news to me.Chapter 3:
Nidhiki looked up. "What's a Raptor? I'm just Nidhiki, twice-mutated ex-Toa, ex-Dark Hunter, eater of Matoran and Toa..."
This line stuck me as funny for some reason. No idea why.I like Frooom – rather inventive for a non-Bionicle character. The other non-Bionicle characters feel like references to things I know nothing about or are washed out and shoved to the side so I don’t really get to know them.* * *So, aside from the few times I mentioned above, I didn’t really find this funny, exactly. You’ve done an excellent job of characterizing the characters, but so far I haven’t seen them in action yet, despite the fact that you’ve already written six chapters. There were a couple bright moments in the dialogue between the characters, but nothing that would really bring out their unique differences the way a battle scene would (Hopefully that’s coming next…).You also don’t seem to have a clear vision for where this comedy is supposed to go and what the characters are supposed to do, and it shows. Try to focus on what would logically happen next, and how certain characters can react to the situation that’s going on. You’re already doing that to an extant, but you need to do it more.Also, you went about four chapters or so before you found what the characters were really doing – traveling to Spherus Magna. This might indicate a problem that my writing professor points out often – rambling until you get to the main point. In future comedy, you might wish to write until you find that purpose for bringing whatever characters together before you start posting, and then go from there. This might resolve the other problem you have – you’re not taking advantage of the fact that the reason Nidhiki arrived in that room and is going on this journey with these companions is indeed a mystery. Who sent Nidhiki on this journey? Why? Why does Nidhiki not really care about this? Does he? Do the other characters? And if so, why or why do they not care? I mean, if I was suddenly ripped away from reality, I think I would have some questions, but none of these characters do. It’s unrealistic and abstract, even for someone as depressed as Nidhiki. I would almost think that Nidhiki would want revenge on whoever sent him to this reality and forced him to work with these strange characters…and yet…nothing.You have a great idea here, but you really should have thought this through just a little bit more before posting. 5/10 here. Keep working, Phovos – I know that you can do this if you give it a little more thought without being in a hurry to post.
Frooom laughed. "HAH! Destiny is for dumb maggots like Nidhiki here. Real worms carve their own way through the universe!"
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Posted Oct 01 2012 - 03:13 AM
Posted Oct 01 2012 - 09:32 PM
Phovos is a Bionicle character? It wasn't exactly clear, as there weren't too many raptors in Bionicle. I do remember plans for biomechanical dinosaurs, however, so maybe that wasn't too far off.
Well, it appears that rambling is the only thing I'm good at, especially since I'm making this up as I go along.And hang on, there are 4 Bionicle characters. Phovos, Nidhiki, Lehvak and Arkay. Only Frooom, Eddy and Medic are non-Bionicle characters.
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Posted Oct 02 2012 - 03:31 AM
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