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An 'Ask Us' Comedy With A Twist


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5 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Phovos

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Posted Sep 24 2012 - 02:14 AM

You enter the dimly lit cave, not sure what to expect. There are unusual crayon drawing scattered along the walls, all done in a quality slightly higher than that of a four-year-old child. Well, the pictures on the higher up walls are. There appears to be this huge gap, where one of the beings who had drawn on the walls could no longer reach and the other was too lazy to bend down and fill the gap.Every so often, there was a small, glowing stone. Not like those sissy light stones normally found in the lands of Spherus Magna. Awesome glowing stones, mined from the depths of ######. Well, the Nether. Or something. You're trying to work out how someone managed to get Glowstone. It's probably fake, for all we know.Anyway. You continue deeper down the cave, when suddenly you trip over a cushion. You expect to smash your face in on the hard rock, but find your fall broken by even more cushions. Mostly red, frilly cushions. It's actually quite nice. Even more so because you haven't smashed your face in."Hello, Matoran!"You jump at the strange, hissing voice. After a second, you remember that you're not a Matoran."Apologies. We cannot see you, Sir or Madam. Please, step forward."Another voice. This time more mechanical. Like a robot. You quickly remember that you're reading one of Phovos's comedies and hazard a guess that this voice belongs to a Bohrok. Probably a Bohrok-Kal, knowing what Phovos is like. The other one though is a mystery. What on Spherus Magna hisses like that?"I'm a Rahksssshi, you fooool..." The voice hisses at you again. "Now get your backssside over here before I get angry..."You sigh then walk deeper into the cave of cushions. The cave opens up and in the middle of a huge pile of blankets and cushions and all sorts of nice, fluffy things sit the two beings you heard a second ago. Just not in the way you expect them.Snuggling up together by a fake fireplace are Turahk and Tahnok-Kal. A rather odd couple, you think."No, we are not a couple. We are simply friends!" Tahnok squeaks. Did it just read your mind? "Yes, I did. I have telepathy now. Also, I would prefer it if you referred to us both as 'he' or our species or by our names. I do not mind if you call me Tahnok rather than Tahnok-Kal though. Let us not bother you with extra words.Thank you!"Turahk snorts, making you twitch. "Sssso, what are you doing here?"You glance around, unsure what to say."Maybe this being would like to hear of our travels?" Tahnok pondered. "I do like a good story..."Turahk stroked Tahnok's head, making the Bohrok purr, if that was even possible. "Ah yessss. A Ssstory... Well, traveller, why don't you tell usss about yoursssself?""And then we will have a story!" Tahnok squeaked. "That is, if this person does not annoy us... Otherwise we might just have to throw cushions at you..."Turahk grinned and flicked his long, snakey tongue. "Ssssoooo. Tell usss about yoursssseeelllffff. What are you? Where are you from, and what ssstory would you like to hear? Would you like to assssk us how we got here? How we became friendsss? Ssspeak, traveller..."
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#2 Offline Phovos

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Posted Sep 25 2012 - 01:31 AM

You cower slightly as Turahk, the original Rahkshi of Fear, starts to growl. "Well, would you look at that... Not a ssssingle person has commented... A sssstory about cake, Nuhvok-Kal and a Team Fortresssss character getssss more repliessss than thissss..."In the corner of your eye, you can see Turahk's clawed hand move. It looks like he is reaching for his staff. You realise that it's not his original staff though. Looks like it's made of two air katana. Wait. Red Rahkshi? Air katana? What? Something flies past your head and conveniently slices some fruit on the wall behind you in half. Not the best way for cutting fruit, really "Wait a second, Turahk. Please do not get angry!" Luckily, Tahnok's coming to your rescue. "Let us tell this poor person a story anyway! Instead of torturing them with pain as you wish, let us torture them with badly thought out stories!"Turahk grunts, then sits back on his pile of cushions. Tahnok on the other hand struggles to get up, then tumbles down the mountain of pillows. His round body isn't meant for climbing soft things. Despite his fall, Tahnok quickly gets up and dusts himself down."What story would you like to hear, traveller? How about the story of how we got off the island of Mata Nui before it all fell down?"You nod slowly, unsure what to say. Tahnok appears to smile and clambers back onto the pile of cushions. Turahk smiles slightly, cuddling Tahnok briefly before starting the story."Well, it wasss a long time ago... We all know that the island of Mata Nui needed to be dessstroyed...""Everyone apart from you, right?" Tahnok interrupted."Yesss, everyone but me... But I was assssleep on the beach of what usssed to be Ga-Koro...""Because you were lazy."Turahk frowned at Tahnok. "Ssstop interrupting.""But otherwise it's not funny.""Oh." Turahk paused, then carried on. "Anyway. Tahnok found me on the beach... I wasss like "Oh, why is the ground moving?" becaussse I was ssso ssleepy. Tahnok wasss just prodding me with a ssstick.""I had no idea what a Rahkshi was back then." Tahnok explained. "All I knew was that we needed to get out of there. I had found a nice, big boat that the Gahlok swarm had not gotten around to destroying, but my little legs meant I could not get the boat into the water.""Becaussse you are sssmall and ssstubby!" Turahk laughed."Do not mock my size!" Tahnok hissed."I'll mock your sssize as much as I want... Although... Assss you ssssaid, we did need to get off that island. I have no idea how I got onto that beach... I think magic pixiesss did it... And Tahnok had to electrocute me to wake me up..."This made Tahnok smile a bit. "Yes, that is right. Once you woke up, I spoke at like 100 kio per hour trying to explain what was going on. I think I wasted more time repeating what I said, each time speaking a bit slower, than if I had just spoken normally.""Then a rock sssstarted rolling down the hill, and I sssspotted it, threw you into the boat and threw the boat into the sssea!"Tahnok and Turahk smiled at one another."That was fun. You jumped into the boat and we paddled with our arms to swim away..."Suddenly, they both paused."Actually, now that I think about it, that was quite terrifying, was it not, Turahk?"Turahk shuddered. "Yesss... It wasss not funny at all... Let'sss talk about ssssomething elssse..."
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#3 Offline Phovos

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Posted Sep 28 2012 - 01:17 AM

You're rudely woken up by the sound of what sounds like a Scrabble board hitting a wall. You open your eyes and roll over, just as the letter Q embeds itself in the floor next to you. As you stretch and yawn, you quickly realise that you fell asleep while listening to Tahnok and Turahk's story. You wonder if they are annoyed at you, but by the look of the Scrabble board, you realise that they're more annoyed at each other."Do not be so silly, Turahk. You have NEVER been able to use proper nouns in Scrabble!""But I thought we were playing the ssssimple verssssion!""This is the simple version. There is no other version. That is what Scrabble is.""Proper nounssss are better! They're proper!"At this point, Tahnok rubs his face and wanders over to his pile of cushions, ignoring Turahk's cries that "Makuta" should be allowed in a game of Scrabble. Turahl keeps on shouting until Tahnok tells him to shut up and look at the being watching them. You blink as you realise that the being is you."Ahh, the thing isss awake again..." Turahk growls. "Sssilly creature, you fell assssleep. While we were telling you a ssstory. That wasss really rude of you."Tahnok nods his head and pulls a packet of marshmallows out from underneath a large, pink pillow. "Very rude indeed. Maybe you do not want to hear our stories after all? Maybe you are more amused by our arguments?"Turahk spots the packet of marshmallows, and Tahnok throws a couple over. Turahk misses the first one but catches the second marshmallow in his mouth. "Thankssss... Hey, Tahnok?""Yes?" Tahnok replies between mouthfuls of marshmallow."Do you think that we are boyfriend and girlfriend?" Turahk asks, throwing you off balance."We have already discussed this, Turahk. We are simply friends."Turahk sighs. "Oh well. Friendssss are good. I jussst wondered... What isss the difference anyway?"Tahnok blinks, unsure how to answer. "I am not quiet sure. Shall we ask our friend here?" The Bohrok stares at you through its giant, blue lenses. "Do you know?"You blink and stutter, unsure how to answer. Eventually, you say that this is supposed to be an Ask Tahnok-Kal and Turahk comedy, not Ask The People Reading The Story comedy. Turahk snorts at your answer, while Tahnok shakes his head."Hahaha! Thisss isss not an asssk comedy any more! No one even readssss it!" Turahk smirks as he asks Tahnok for another marshmallow.You sigh, then feel your tummy rumble. You ask for a marshmallow, and Tahnok pulls another pack out from behind his cushion, a much smaller pack than before. He throws the pack, and it hits you in the face."Enjoy!" Tahnok smiles.
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#4 Offline Rarity

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Posted Oct 09 2012 - 07:28 PM

Here I am, finally, with your CCC review!This story is kind of hard to review...First off, your spelling, grammar, etc is excellent, which is rare for a comedy, but a very good thing.Second, Your writing style is different.

You enter the dimly lit cave, not sure what to expect.

This isn't necessarily a good thing, as it makes it seem more like one of those old "chose-your-own-adventure" books, instead of an actual comedy. That may not bother other readers, but I prefer more of a prose styled writing.Third off, it's an ASK COMEDY, but the characters didn't really act like they were there to be asked questions.

Thisss isss not an asssk comedy any more!

Even the rahkshi ackowledges this.You need to add questions in there, somewhere, anywhere.If you haven't had any readers submit questions, writers usually make their own untill someone submits a question, and if you do want someone to submit a question or two, you really do need to ask for questions somewhere in the comedy.Though to be honest, I don't really know how this would work as an ask comedy, since the premise seems more of a hostage situation, then an ask comedy. (Somewhat joking there)

Eventually, you say that this is supposed to be an Ask Tahnok-Kal and Turahk comedy, not Ask The People Reading The Story comedy

It doesn't even seem like much of an ask the people comedy.Although, that actually might work. You could have the characters ask the readers question, then it truly would be an ask comedy with a twist.Fourth, the story just seems like the various ramblings of a rahkshi and bohrok, which isn't funny, and really, really, lacks a plot.All we see is the main character in a cave, and two rahi argueing constantly.

"Well, it wasss a long time ago... We all know that the island of Mata Nui needed to be dessstroyed...""Everyone apart from you, right?" Tahnok interrupted."Yesss, everyone but me... But I was assssleep on the beach of what usssed to be Ga-Koro...""Because you were lazy."Turahk frowned at Tahnok. "Ssstop interrupting.""But otherwise it's not funny."

It's not funny anyway.I think your cast of characters here needs to expand, and build some personas, to make the story funny.Usually in a comedy, every character has a certain trait about them, and usually it's exagerated, to make it humoris. It's what makes them who they are. But in this, you're characters, Turahk, and Tahnok don't. They don't have anything special about them, which makes the characters, replacable.You could swap the chatacters, and no one would really notice a different. They're like the same person, only one is a rahkshi, the other a bohrok.As for the main character, you haven't really given enough anything about him/her/it for me to really say anything about it.And what is the plot of this story? Is the entire comedy, going to be in a cave, with rambling? I know it's only three chapters, but you haven't shown any progression in the storyline.You could try having a little progression, even walking around in the cave, instead of being in the same place every chapter. But don't become too plot driven, where you forget it's an ask comedy (even though it seems you may have).Fifth, the jokes you tried to put in the story seemed forced

"Do you think that we are boyfriend and girlfriend?" Turahk asks, throwing you off balance."We have already discussed this, Turahk. We are simply friends

It just seems random, like most of your other jokes.When you make jokes, you need to lead up to them.

Snuggling up together by a fake fireplace are Turahk and Tahnok-Kal. A rather odd couple, you think.

That could be considered leading up, but one mention doesn't really feel like leading up to me.What you should of done was keep mentioning it for a few chapters, before making that joke, then it might of been funny.And if they don't seemed forced, they're kind of stale

You sigh, then feel your tummy rumble. You ask for a marshmallow, and Tahnok pulls another pack out from behind his cushion, a much smaller pack than before. He throws the pack, and it hits you in the face."Enjoy!" Tahnok smiles.

There's really nothing humor-like about that. If anything, it's kind of sad that the only way you can eat is through abuse. (I'm joking a little here)Overall, I have to give this comedy a 2/10, due to the forced, stale humor, having no real plot, and the characters being the same.

Edited by Rarity, Oct 13 2012 - 06:44 PM.

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#5 Offline Phovos

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Posted Oct 10 2012 - 05:28 AM

You ignore the comment above and sigh, nomming on the packet of marshmallows that were thrown at you in the previous chapter. With yet even more sighing, you realise that the packet of marshmallows is already open and that there appears to be... Is that Rahkshi spit? Whatever it is, it's bright green and glowing."Oh, do not fret. Those are Glow In The Dark marshmallows!" Tahnok-Kal reassures you.Yet again, you sigh, before hesitantly picking up a marshmallow and popping it into your mouth. You're surprised that the marshmallow actually tastes nice. You decide to read what it says on the packet. "Glow in the dark marshmallows! Comes in five different shapes! Also available in spider web, snot and radioactive goo flavour. Visit thiswebsitedoesnotexist.com for more details and a sneak peak at our up-coming flavour, BONK! Atomic Punch flavour Marshmallows!"You blink and wonder if any of the last three chapters really happened or if this is actually reality."Of course it is not real!" Tahnok-Kal replies in a spectacular breaking of the fourth wall. "If this was real, chances are, Turahk would have eaten you out of boredom!"Turahk hisses. "I'm not that bad, am I? The lassst time sssomeone came here, I didn't eat them!""Yes, but you very much wanted to...""Liessss!"As the Bohrok and the Rahkshi begin to argue again, you decide to use this opportunity to sneak away, unnoticed. You groan, wondering who or what on earth thought it would be a good idea to put a Rahkshi and a Bohrok-Kal in the same room, let alone have them as friends and potentially future husband and wife.Suddenly, something hits you in the back of the head. It's a pillow with frilly pink hearts on it. You turn around briefly to see what is going on behind you. Looks like Tahnok and Turahk's argument has turned into a massive pillow fight, with Turahk having the obvious advantage. For ever cushion that Tahnok throws, Turahk throws three back, and before long, Tahnok's buried under a mountain of cushions.You hesitate, then quickly run away when Turahk looks up at you."Oh sssshoot. Looksss like we've lossst our friend..." Turahk groans as he digs Tahnok out of the pile of pillows.
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#6 Offline Rarity

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Posted Oct 13 2012 - 10:47 PM

I edited my review of your comedy.I liked this chapter more than the other three combined. That bit with the marshmellow actually made me chuckle.

Edited by Rarity, Oct 13 2012 - 10:47 PM.

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