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Creeps from the Deep


Slyzor the Conquerer

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So this is my first comedy. Remember, I'm new to this so I'll try my best. If anyone can offer any pointers I would be glad to listen.Chapter 1:*Somewhere in a cave under Mahri Nui*Pridak: Mantax, come over here with that prisoner. Make sure he's... comfortable.*Mantax obeys, dragging a Le Matoran by the foot and sets him in the chair. He then proceeds to grab a roll of duct tape, with which he tapes said Matoran to the chair.*Mantax: 'Ere ya go chap, all nice and comfy. Anything else Pridak (to himself) you psychotic moron.Pridak: <_< That will be all, Mantax, make sure the others do not disturb this interrogation. *he turns to the prisoner* So, is there anything you would like to say before we begin, Mr..... Defilak?Defilak: :OMG: I only got one thing to say to you copper! You'll never take me alive!Pridak: Hmmm, well then. I had hoped you wouldn't have been as stubborn as those other Matoran we had captured but I am afraid I have no choice. :evilgrin: Turn on the music!*Selena Gomez's Shake it Up starts playing*Music: Everybody, everybody get out on the floor it can get a little CRAZY when the kick hits the floor. Make a scene, make a scene nobody can ignore don't knock it till you rock it till we can't take it no more.*The Music keeps playing as a horrified look creeps onto Defilak's mask*Defilak: :drool: Nooo.... must fight urge! Need to protect the SECRET!Pridak: I'm sorry, what did you say? What secret?Defilak: :drool:Nothing, I can't tell you. You.....no....friend.Pridak: Fine have it your way. *turns to head out the door* by the way, I have this on an endless loop that will only stop at my say so. Have fun. *Closes the door leaving Defilak with the music blaring*Defilak: Nooooooooooooooooo! :drooling:*As Pridak leaves the room he is greeted by the other five Barraki, all struggling with their own day to day tasks.*Pridak: Mata Nui, I'm exhausted. *slumps down on his couch* Kalmah, be a good henchman and go get me a smoothie.Kalmah: Go get it yourself creep. I'm busy.Takadox: No ya ain't. Da boss told you to get him a smootie. Youse best be gettin' to it ya hear?Ehlek: :biggrin: You said smootie!! That's too dern funny!Carapar: Now let's everybody calm down and not let things get out of hand, Kalmah.Kalmah: :burnmad: What did you say to me punk?!Takadox: Hey, don'tcha be callin' my mind slave a punk! Take dat back.Carapar: Mind slave, what going on here Taka.....Takadox: (Using hypnosis) You will get all of us smoothies and pick up da latest Carly Rae Jepsen CD. Be back here within da hour. Now move!Carapar: :wired: Yesssss...... master. *stands up and swims out of the cave and heads to the nearest Walmart*All other Barraki: :blink:Pridak: Riight. What about you Mantax, you've been especially quiet tonight.Mantax: Well, now that you mention it I had a most splendid day among the bottom feeders. My quota has been increased to two Ruki fish every five minutes.Kalmah: Lame...Mantax: You want to tussle sir? I can most certainly show you a good one!Kalmah: Bring it on punk!*Kalmah leaps onto Mantax and pins him to the ground. Mantax then summons a school of fish and orders them to attack Kalmah.*Pridak: :uhuh: I knew i should have sprung for that army of Vahki. Could this day possible be any weirder?*A hole is smashed in the wall and the room is filled with Zyglak*Zyglak: We have come...... for your spleens!Pridak: :confused: I had to ask.End of Chapter 1

Make room for the Creeps from the Deep!

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Huh, interesting. The personalities you have given to each character is rather odd. I don't imagine Takadox talking the way he did in the comedy. It is fairly amusing, and the interrogation was rather good. I think, although arguments are good, we can't have the whole thing being full of arguments.If you want a tip, try using less smilies and use words to describe how each character is feeling. I know this is all script-based, but throw in a couple more asterix and spend some time describing how they are feeling. Or, alternatively, use other characters to describe how they're feeling.

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Thanks for the feedback. I'll definently make sure to use your advice. I will say that the characterization may be a little odd but it is how I imagined the characters ie. Pridak the bossy, arrogant leader, Kalmah the brute with the hair trigger temper, Takadox the sly sort mobster-ish underminer (that sort of explains the Philly/ Jersey accent), Ehlek the psycho (most likely the one I will need to develop the most), Mantax the smart and chivalrous gentleman and last but not least Carapar the sort of mediator and unwilling mindslave. I had this sitting on my computer for three days and really wanted to get it out there, so sorry if it seems a little rushed. All things aside I hope this is at least a good start to something that I want to be doing for a while. Chapter 2 will be out sometime soon!*Here's a little blurb from Chapter 2, it's not in order yet. :*Our heroes (minus Carapar) have had their lair infested with Zyglak. Will they ever get out of this predicament? Will this comedy end before it starts?*Mantax: Hold on chaps. Pridak, didn't we install an anti-Zyglak defense system?*Insert Takadox line here (still in production)*Pridak: Yes, but its controls are located in the armory and we don't have any weapons to get through these chumps.Ehlek: Maybe you don't, *whips out his talons* but I always carry spares! Yee doggies! We gonna have us some crispy critters tonight! *An electrical charge starts building in Ehlek's spines. When it reaches full strength it arcs up his arms and into his talons. He rubs his talons together building up his shockwave* Clear! *He smashes his talons together and a huge electrical burst explodes forth, knocking the Zyglak off their feet.* Go get those defenses on, I'll hold 'em off!Pridak: You get 'em Ehlek! Don't let them touch you!Takadox: Let's book it fellas! *The others break into a mad scramble as Ehlek valiantly defends the base from the oncoming waves of Zyglak*

Make room for the Creeps from the Deep!

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