Jump to content

  • Log in with Facebook Log in with Twitter Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

Welcome to BZPower!

Hi there, while we hope you enjoy browsing through the site, there's a lot more you can do if you register. The process is easy and you can use your Google, Facebook, or Twitter account to make it even faster. Some perks of joining include:
  • Create your own topics, participate in existing discussions, and vote in polls
  • Show off your creations, stories, art, music, and movies and play member and staff-run games
  • Enter contests to win free LEGO sets and other prizes, and vote to decide the winners
  • Participate in raffles, including exclusive raffles for new members, and win free LEGO sets
  • Send private messages to other members
  • Organize with other members to attend or send your MOCs to LEGO fan events all over the world
  • Much, much more!
Enjoy your visit!

Posted Image


Photo

Three Explorers


  • Please log in to reply
6 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Nealybealy

Nealybealy
  • Members
  • Seeker

  • 289 posts
  •  

Posted Sep 27 2012 - 04:48 PM

I wrote this as a story set in the future of LEGO Universe's plot line. First time I've tried to write something like this, so any comments/feedback would be greatly appreciated! The names were all random, so don't even ask where they came from XD. Except Kongu, that's pretty obvious! The three Explorers finally arrived at the ravine. Down below, they could see the quintessence of the untapped Imagination. Bluish in glow, it mystified them all. It was possible to create anything in it; the possibilities were endless! Cities sprawling with turrets and cloaked stealth ships, is what the first imagined. The second imagined a huge underground machine, one that could sustain them till the end of time. The last imagined an army, one unparalleled to any that they had ever seen. One to bring peace to the galaxy… Or so they thought. But a fourth appeared and spoke, “Well, what might you all be doing here?” Insetus, the first Explorer, was from the huge city of Insectropolis, located in deep space. He was an Insectoid, and not fully aware of why war wasn’t good. Often, he made weapons of mass destruction, and enough ships to capture enemy cities. It was normal for Insectoids to do this, however, so no one saw it as unusual. But strange things arose on the first few days of the new year. A shady looking Citizen had come up to him and asked about the Nex Nebula. One had only heard stories of it, so unimaginably important it seemed like fairy tales. The Nebula was said to hold a planet, known as Nex, that contained a huge deposit of Imagination. Imagination powered everything, everywhere. If one could use this energy, Insetus thought, they could be infinitely powerful and rule over all. But this is not what it was made for. The stories had told of what wonders it could do; bring peace to them once and forever. His nature told him otherwise, so he decided he would use it to bring down all of the other warring factions, and take the rest of the factions over after. The Citizen, whose name was Kongu, said he was leading an expedition to find it, and asked if Insetus was interested. Instantly, he signed up and prepared his belongings. The second Explorer, Minara, was living in the mines of Crux when he was approached by Kongu. He had been mining the precious ores from the planet’s chunks when a spaceship landed near him. This surprised him, as no one was scheduled to come that day. The miners had a weekly chart telling them when the minerals were due and when others would arrive, and this was not listed. Minara had to go, because the others were too scared. He, on the other hand, was more curious then scared. So he ran to the ship and saw Kongu approach, and was greeted politely. Kongu then asked if he’d like to come on an expedition to the fabled Nex Nebula. Certainly, he answered, and Kongu told him to pack his bags to get ready. Minara brought nothing with him, because this trip would either lead to his death or his greatest success. The third and final Explorer, Stratere, was born in the Fright Knights colony of Oakwood. She had been the best military strategist they had; stealth attacks that led to worldly powers falling, she certainly proved herself. Her military record was 250:0, and the enemies she had surrendered in fear before she even spoke their name. The Fright Knights had gained more power than ever under her guidance, and she grew incredibly prosperous. She saw no need of the money, and gave it to the poor and neglected in her cities and colonies. Kongu had approached her as a businessman in the streets of Battania, the newest colony they had. He told her about the kind of military strategist that they’d need to capture the Nex Nebula, and she signed up. She brought only what she needed, and left with Kongu. Once all of the Explorers and Kongu were on the ship, they departed to find the traces of the Nex Nebula. While on the journey, many of them conversed about their pasts. Minara spoke of the great Maelstrom wars that once raged on Crux, but had subsided after a wave of recent retaliations from the Nexus Force. Stratere spoke of how she once planned a strike that, in the first five minutes of it being started, had the leader tied to a chair and a captured capital city. Insetus spoke of the many wonderful machines and inventions they had made, innovating their armies and inflicting more pain. Kongu, however, was silent for the trip, but you could often tell he was lost in thoughts. Kongu had been thinking about his past, one that was scarred and ruined. Insetus’ weapons had killed all he knew, combined with Stratere’s planning, and Minara’s crystals that powered the vehicles and their artillery. All three had gotten everything he held precious in the world to disappear. He would show them, once and for all, who held the power. His deep thinking had paid off; a plan formed in his mind…. The three Explorers looked back, and there was Kongu. He casually strolled towards them, and picked up a rock. Admiring it, he said to them, “Do you see this? I’d love to have these back on my home planet. I can just use this imagination to bring it all home, and sculpt the planet to my wishes.” “What are you doing here, Kongu? You shouldn’t be alive.” Stratere said, in a cold tone. “Oh that? Does it look like I’m dead?” laughed Kongu. Luckily, Stratere saw this coming. She gave Minara and Insetus the secret order, and they leapt. In an instant, Kongu was bound and sitting on the ground. “Who’s the mighty one now, Kongu?” Stratere said, with a smirk. “Not you, most definitely. I have plans of my own.” He said, raising his hand, as a huge, whirling mass began to form. The three Explorers stepped back in horror; it was turning into a mech, one with all of their traits. A huge power crystal lay in the back, massive turrets on each shoulder, and an artificial strategist mind in the pilot area. The three knew what he was doing; he was using the imagination! They quickly grabbed Kongu and ran, tearing out of the clearing that the mech had created. Shots were ripping the ground behind them, and trees toppled. The Explorers ran for their lives, and finally reached a clearing. They dropped Kongu and circled back to the imagination. The mech was nowhere in sight… Kongu was laying in the field, trying to get free, but his efforts were in vain. The bonds were too tight for him to break. Just as he thought it was all over, the mech appeared. It got ready to fire, and Kongu had closed his eyes, so he would not watch himself die, but then, seconds past, and he wasn’t dead. He opened his eyes to check, and the mech was instead just staring at him. “Awaiting orders, Kongu.” Said the mech, in a metallic voice. Kongu smiled. He liked this mech, and it was starting to fascinate him at all the other possibilities that are out there… The Explorers reached the ravine where the imagination was. It was a long fall if one were to jump down, so they instead looked for other possible alternatives. Finally Minara spotted rocks that could be used as a path, and they scaled the rock wall until they were finally at the base of the imagination core. The soft patter of rain began, and there was barely any light hitting the bottom of the ravine. A storm was approaching, signaling a greater darkness. One could relate this to the incident that happened many, many years ago on planet Crux….
  • 0

jetpackmuch.png
Nealybealy
Paradox Build Champion - Won Second Prize in the Spooky Building Contest, part of the 2011 Nexus Force Championship
Won Third Prize in the Luprechaun LU-themed building contest!

Virtual DreadWolf in Chima Online - Divine Void Hyena in Minifigures Online


#2 Offline fishers64

fishers64
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • Master of Poison Loose

  • 5,515 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Oct 03 2012 - 03:26 AM

This story appears to be somewhat scattered...you seem to have started with a good idea and got bogged in the details...

But a fourth appeared and spoke, “Well, what might you all be doing here?"

Is this Kongu? It would appear to be, but I'm not certain and it could really be more clear (Seeing as Kongu appears later in the story...).

The three Explorers looked back, and there was Kongu. He casually strolled towards them, and picked up a rock. Admiring it, he said to them, "Do you see this? I’d love to have these back on my home planet. I can just use this imagination to bring it all home, and sculpt the planet to my wishes." "What are you doing here, Kongu? You shouldn’t be alive." Stratere said, in a cold tone. "Oh that? Does it look like I’m dead?" laughed Kongu. Luckily, Stratere saw this coming. She gave Minara and Insetus the secret order, and they leapt. In an instant, Kongu was bound and sitting on the ground. "Who’s the mighty one now, Kongu?" Stratere said, with a smirk. "Not you, most definitely. I have plans of my own." He said, raising his hand, as a huge, whirling mass began to form. The three Explorers stepped back in horror; it was turning into a mech, one with all of their traits. A huge power crystal lay in the back, massive turrets on each shoulder, and an artificial strategist mind in the pilot area. The three knew what he was doing; he was using the imagination! They quickly grabbed Kongu and ran, tearing out of the clearing that the mech had created. Shots were ripping the ground behind them, and trees toppled. The Explorers ran for their lives, and finally reached a clearing. They dropped Kongu and circled back to the imagination. The mech was nowhere in sight…

Every time you switch the person who is speaking, you need a new paragraph. Should be like this:

The three Explorers looked back, and there was Kongu. He casually strolled towards them, and picked up a rock. Admiring it, he said to them, "Do you see this? I’d love to have these back on my home planet. I can just use this imagination to bring it all home, and sculpt the planet to my wishes.""What are you doing here, Kongu? You shouldn’t be alive." Stratere said, in a cold tone."Oh that? Does it look like I’m dead?" laughed Kongu. Luckily, Stratere saw this coming. She gave Minara and Insetus the secret order, and they leapt. In an instant, Kongu was bound and sitting on the ground. "Who’s the mighty one now, Kongu?" Stratere said, with a smirk. "Not you, most definitely. I have plans of my own." He said, raising his hand, as a huge, whirling mass began to form.The three Explorers stepped back in horror; it was turning into a mech, one with all of their traits. A huge power crystal lay in the back, massive turrets on each shoulder, and an artificial strategist mind in the pilot area. The three knew what he was doing; he was using the imagination! They quickly grabbed Kongu and ran, tearing out of the clearing that the mech had created. Shots were ripping the ground behind them, and trees toppled. The Explorers ran for their lives, and finally reached a clearing. They dropped Kongu and circled back to the imagination. The mech was nowhere in sight…

I'm assuming "He" is Stratere. Although you identified him as "She" earlier...might want to fix that. (This is especially why you need the paragraphing as it will leave the reader less confused.)Also, not sure why I need the backstory in the middle, as it doesn't serve much purpose unless you want to do something more with this. Do you really need to identify the fourth explorer as Kongu? I think it would have been slightly better if you had transitioned straight from "Well, what might you all be doing here?" to the scene I just quoted above. A little more mysterious.And why do the other "Explorers" get on the ship with Kongu if they are his enemies? That could be better explained. You started with a good idea, just need to work on it a bit more. :)

Edited by fishers64, Oct 03 2012 - 03:31 AM.

  • 0

#3 Offline Nealybealy

Nealybealy
  • Members
  • Seeker

  • 289 posts
  •  

Posted Oct 03 2012 - 03:45 PM

This story appears to be somewhat scattered...you seem to have started with a good idea and got bogged in the details...

But a fourth appeared and spoke, "Well, what might you all be doing here?"

Is this Kongu? It would appear to be, but I'm not certain and it could really be more clear (Seeing as Kongu appears later in the story...).

The three Explorers looked back, and there was Kongu. He casually strolled towards them, and picked up a rock. Admiring it, he said to them, "Do you see this? I'd love to have these back on my home planet. I can just use this imagination to bring it all home, and sculpt the planet to my wishes." "What are you doing here, Kongu? You shouldn't be alive." Stratere said, in a cold tone. "Oh that? Does it look like I'm dead?" laughed Kongu. Luckily, Stratere saw this coming. She gave Minara and Insetus the secret order, and they leapt. In an instant, Kongu was bound and sitting on the ground. "Who's the mighty one now, Kongu?" Stratere said, with a smirk. "Not you, most definitely. I have plans of my own." He said, raising his hand, as a huge, whirling mass began to form. The three Explorers stepped back in horror; it was turning into a mech, one with all of their traits. A huge power crystal lay in the back, massive turrets on each shoulder, and an artificial strategist mind in the pilot area. The three knew what he was doing; he was using the imagination! They quickly grabbed Kongu and ran, tearing out of the clearing that the mech had created. Shots were ripping the ground behind them, and trees toppled. The Explorers ran for their lives, and finally reached a clearing. They dropped Kongu and circled back to the imagination. The mech was nowhere in sight…

Every time you switch the person who is speaking, you need a new paragraph. Should be like this:

The three Explorers looked back, and there was Kongu. He casually strolled towards them, and picked up a rock. Admiring it, he said to them, "Do you see this? I'd love to have these back on my home planet. I can just use this imagination to bring it all home, and sculpt the planet to my wishes.""What are you doing here, Kongu? You shouldn't be alive." Stratere said, in a cold tone."Oh that? Does it look like I'm dead?" laughed Kongu.Luckily, Stratere saw this coming. She gave Minara and Insetus the secret order, and they leapt. In an instant, Kongu was bound and sitting on the ground. "Who's the mighty one now, Kongu?" Stratere said, with a smirk. "Not you, most definitely. I have plans of my own." He said, raising his hand, as a huge, whirling mass began to form.The three Explorers stepped back in horror; it was turning into a mech, one with all of their traits. A huge power crystal lay in the back, massive turrets on each shoulder, and an artificial strategist mind in the pilot area. The three knew what he was doing; he was using the imagination! They quickly grabbed Kongu and ran, tearing out of the clearing that the mech had created. Shots were ripping the ground behind them, and trees toppled. The Explorers ran for their lives, and finally reached a clearing. They dropped Kongu and circled back to the imagination. The mech was nowhere in sight…

I'm assuming "He" is Stratere. Although you identified him as "She" earlier...might want to fix that. (This is especially why you need the paragraphing as it will leave the reader less confused.)Also, not sure why I need the backstory in the middle, as it doesn't serve much purpose unless you want to do something more with this. Do you really need to identify the fourth explorer as Kongu? I think it would have been slightly better if you had transitioned straight from "Well, what might you all be doing here?" to the scene I just quoted above. A little more mysterious.And why do the other "Explorers" get on the ship with Kongu if they are his enemies? That could be better explained.You started with a good idea, just need to work on it a bit more. :)

As to your first question;Yes. It is him.Second question;Yeah, this is actually the first time I've written a story, so I've got a lot more to improve upon.Third question;I'm not sure what you mean. I've read it over, and every "he" there was implied when Kongu was talking or doing something.Fourth question;I'm planning to continue it in the way that they return back to those planets later, so it'll be helpful then to have known the backstories. It was mostly just a feature of the story that wasn't needed now, but done to save the trouble later. Well, the Fourth Explorer could have been a bandit that followed them, which was something I was considering.Fifth question;Kongu wasn't their enemy. He had lost everything he knew, IE his friends and family, but they didn't recall him as a person. They had killed his colony, but not his species. So he migrated away and waited for revenge, and finally found an opportunity. He disguised his hatred to take them all to a location where he had a chance to defeat them.Thanks for the questions! Good to see someone has taken the time to read it!

Edited by Nealybealy, Oct 03 2012 - 03:47 PM.

  • 0

jetpackmuch.png
Nealybealy
Paradox Build Champion - Won Second Prize in the Spooky Building Contest, part of the 2011 Nexus Force Championship
Won Third Prize in the Luprechaun LU-themed building contest!

Virtual DreadWolf in Chima Online - Divine Void Hyena in Minifigures Online


#4 Offline fishers64

fishers64
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • Master of Poison Loose

  • 5,515 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Oct 05 2012 - 02:13 AM

On the third question then, did Kongu say: "Not you, most definitely. I have plans of my own."? Did he make the multi-traited mech?That could have been more clear.
  • 0

#5 Offline Nealybealy

Nealybealy
  • Members
  • Seeker

  • 289 posts
  •  

Posted Oct 05 2012 - 02:10 PM

On the third question then, did Kongu say: "Not you, most definitely. I have plans of my own."? Did he make the multi-traited mech?That could have been more clear.

Yep, he did. The mech was a combination of all of their strengths; he's pretty much giving them a taste of their own medicine.Yeah, it definitely could have been. Sorry for the unclear parts.

  • 0

jetpackmuch.png
Nealybealy
Paradox Build Champion - Won Second Prize in the Spooky Building Contest, part of the 2011 Nexus Force Championship
Won Third Prize in the Luprechaun LU-themed building contest!

Virtual DreadWolf in Chima Online - Divine Void Hyena in Minifigures Online


#6 Offline fishers64

fishers64
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • Master of Poison Loose

  • 5,515 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Oct 06 2012 - 12:51 AM

On the third question then, did Kongu say: "Not you, most definitely. I have plans of my own."? Did he make the multi-traited mech?That could have been more clear.

Yep, he did. The mech was a combination of all of their strengths; he's pretty much giving them a taste of their own medicine.Yeah, it definitely could have been. Sorry for the unclear parts.

Then this

Luckily, Stratere saw this coming. She gave Minara and Insetus the secret order, and they leapt. In an instant, Kongu was bound and sitting on the ground. "Who’s the mighty one now, Kongu?" Stratere said, with a smirk. "Not you, most definitely. I have plans of my own." He said, raising his hand, as a huge, whirling mass began to form.

could be better as

Luckily, Stratere saw this coming. She gave Minara and Insetus the secret order, and they leapt. In an instant, Kongu was bound and sitting on the ground. "Who’s the mighty one now, Kongu?" Stratere said, with a smirk. "Not you, most definitely. I have plans of my own." he said, raising his hand, as a huge, whirling mass began to form.

The paragraphing makes it clear that Stratere isn't saying that line and raising his hand. It is a fairly good guess that "he" is Kongu, because you have established that her and Kongu are interacting. Just try to keep in mind that you need a new paragraph every time you switch paragraphs, and you should avoid this problem in future stories. :)

  • 0

#7 Offline Nealybealy

Nealybealy
  • Members
  • Seeker

  • 289 posts
  •  

Posted Oct 06 2012 - 01:06 PM

On the third question then, did Kongu say: "Not you, most definitely. I have plans of my own."? Did he make the multi-traited mech?That could have been more clear.

Yep, he did. The mech was a combination of all of their strengths; he's pretty much giving them a taste of their own medicine.Yeah, it definitely could have been. Sorry for the unclear parts.

Then this

Luckily, Stratere saw this coming. She gave Minara and Insetus the secret order, and they leapt. In an instant, Kongu was bound and sitting on the ground. "Who’s the mighty one now, Kongu?" Stratere said, with a smirk. "Not you, most definitely. I have plans of my own." He said, raising his hand, as a huge, whirling mass began to form.

could be better as

Luckily, Stratere saw this coming. She gave Minara and Insetus the secret order, and they leapt. In an instant, Kongu was bound and sitting on the ground. "Who’s the mighty one now, Kongu?" Stratere said, with a smirk."Not you, most definitely. I have plans of my own." he said, raising his hand, as a huge, whirling mass began to form.

The paragraphing makes it clear that Stratere isn't saying that line and raising his hand. It is a fairly good guess that "he" is Kongu, because you have established that her and Kongu are interacting.Just try to keep in mind that you need a new paragraph every time you switch paragraphs, and you should avoid this problem in future stories. :)

Yeah, it was quite unclear now that I think about it.. Definitely avoiding that in future stories. :D

  • 0

jetpackmuch.png
Nealybealy
Paradox Build Champion - Won Second Prize in the Spooky Building Contest, part of the 2011 Nexus Force Championship
Won Third Prize in the Luprechaun LU-themed building contest!

Virtual DreadWolf in Chima Online - Divine Void Hyena in Minifigures Online





0 user(s) are browsing this forum

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users