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Takua Rises


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9 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Voltex Oblige

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Posted Sep 28 2012 - 10:54 AM

“Why don’t... you just... kill me....”“Your punishment must be more severe. You shall watch as your precious city crumbles... and then... you have my permission to die.”Takua lay there, unable to move in pain as Icarax slowly stood to his feet. He cried out and jerked in agony when the tyrant kicked his bed and shifted him over, and shut his eyes tightly with pain. When he finally opened them again, Icarax had gone.A small, hunch-backed Po-Matoran sat in the corner of the cell, watching him. Takua said nothing for several seconds, nor did the mysterious Matoran. Finally, a different Po-Matoran spoke in a strange, garbled tone.“He wants to know... how much you would pay us to kill you.” The Po-Matoran told him, responding to the garbled one in his own garbled tone. “I tell him that you are broke, that you have nothing.”Takua was in too much pain to respond to the statement, cringing and shutting his eyes to get away from all the pain. Not just the physical pain, but the psychological pain, too.He... had... failed.*-*-*-*Takua grunted with surprise as the Po-Matoran pulled him to his feet with shocking strength, and resting him front first leaning on some sort of weird sling.“What are you doing?” he gasped.“When Icarax broke your mask, it embedded itself within your back.” The Po-Matoran explained. “Your powers were cut off, and you have been unable to move ever since. If you are to move again, we must remove it.”“Wait-”The Po-Matoran grabbed at something on his back and yanked back, wrenching it out and throwing it onto his bed. Takua yelled as his back began to burn with agony, and he twitched within the sling. The Po-Matoran patted him softly on the shoulder.“Stay here until the pain stops, and then you can begin to move once again.”Takua did not respond as he leaned on the sling, not daring to move as the pain ever so slowly began to die down.*-*-*-*“I need rope.” Takua said, sitting up in his bed abruptly as he stared at the screen on the wall.The Po-Matoran glanced to the screen, where Le-Metru could be seen from the air, much of it up in flames and broken down.“He breaks you, eh?”Takua glanced at the piece of the mask in his hand, and as Icarax’s face was shown on the screen, he furiously whipped it at the screen. The mask piece was embedded within the screen and the image went black.“He hasn’t broken me yet.” He promised, nodding towards a Ko-Matoran surrounded by other prisoners. “He’s climbing, isn’t he?”“He tries the climb, yes.” The Po-Matoran nodded. “He will not make it.”Takua didn’t reply as he watched the Ko-Matoran get attached to a safety rope and begin the climb. After a few minutes, the Matoran slipped and fell all the way back down, halted roughly by the rope a few feet from the floor.“Why didn’t he make it?” he asked.“Nobody ever makes it.” The Po-Matoran said. “There was only one to make it, long ago. They say the shadows clutched to them like none other.”“Icarax... of course he made it.”“They say only one thing can stop his shadows from spreading....”“What is that?”“Why, it is the light of course.”Takua’s eyes narrowed slightly, and he shrugged.“First things first.” He said. “I need to make it up that wall.”*-*-*-*“You will use the rope?” the Po-Matoran asked.“Yes, I will.” Takua told him.He stared up, up the massive circular stone wall holding him deep below the surface. His gaze narrowed as he stared up at the distant sky.“You do not seem afraid.” The Po-Matoran noted.“What do I have to be afraid of?” Takua responded. “It’s not like I’ll die.”“None are ever afraid.”Takua ignored him and reached up, grabbing two protruding stones and hauling himself up to begin the climb. Several of the other prisoners gathered behind him as he climbed. One quarter up... one third up... halfway up....Then he saw the jump. A jump he’d seen three other prisoners fail to jump across. Takua snorted... why couldn’t they? He’d made jumps even farther than this back in Metru-Nui.He stepped back and then ran forward, jumping for the stone and – fell, fell all the way back to the bottom. He cried out when the rope held firm and clenched his gut when he was halted three feet away. Several prisoners stopped cheering and chanting, and all but one began to go their separate ways.“I told you none have made it all the way.” The Po-Matoran told him, helping him away.*-*-*-*“I want to try again.” Takua said, staring at the wall where a Le-Matoran had just fallen back down.“You fell already, several weeks ago.” The Po-Matoran said. “Why try again?”“My city is under the control of that monster. It’s high time I stopped him.”The other Po-Matoran, who seemed to never move, croaked in a raspy voice:“You will not make it. You are a fool.”“I’m no fool!” Takua snapped.“Then show me.”Takua shoved past the first Po-Matoran, marching over to where the safety rope hung. He grabbed it and flung it over himself and immediately began to climb. The prisoners gather below and began to chant as he climbed up, and up, and further up the wall.He reached the jump again.This time would be different, he promised.He jumped... and fell all the way back down.Again.Takua this time silently suffered the pain as he landed and the assembled Matoran stopped cheering. The Po-Matoran shuffled over once again, looking at him sadly but not commenting as Takua simply lay there, held up by the rope in his defeat.*-*-*-*It was several weeks before Takua spoke again, or indeed, before anyone spoke to him again. The first one to do so was the ancient other Po-Matoran, who glanced toward him sitting on his bed.“Only one has made the climb.” He croaked.“I know that.” Takua said, frustrated.“The one... when they made the climb, they had a friend.” The other Po-Matoran rasped. “The one that made it... had to run for their life, for they would die if they stayed. Their friend lifted them up, and they rose up to the wall. The one made that jump, and escaped.”“Why are you telling me this?” Takua asked. “I already know Icarax has made it, I just don’t know how.”“What do you fear?”“I fear nothing. I haven’t feared anything in years.”“Ah... but it was the fear of death that made the one keep climbing. It was the fear of falling that forced them to make the jump.”“You’re saying...” Takua trailed off, turning to his caretaker, the first Po-Matoran. “Take me back over there. I’m going to try again.”“You are still a fool.” The ancient Po-Matoran croaked.“I’m not a fool. I will make it.”“Show me then, white knight.”Takua and the Po-Matoran walked to the wall. Takua pushed away the safety rope, and the Po-Matoran glanced at him.“If you fall, you will die.”“I’m not going to fall.”Takua grabbed two protruding stones and heaved himself up to begin the climb. The Matoran in the prison began to gather below him once again, cheering and chanting. He made it one quarter... he made it one third... halfway....He reached the jump for the third time.He shifted to the edge, glancing down far below. He glanced at the jump, a jump he had made thousands of times while on the rooftops of Metru-Nui.And why had he made those jumps?He remembered the fear, the anticipation, the adrenaline that he’d had whenever making those jumps far above Metru-Nui. He remembered the fear, the anticipation, the adrenaline he’d been lacking the previous two attempts.He felt the fear. He felt the anticipation. He felt the adrenaline.He ran, he jumped... and landed cleanly on the edge of the slab that had eluded him for so long. The chanting far below rose to a far greater volume as Takua continued to climb, and after several long minutes he had reached the top. He heaved himself up and over the wall, noting a large coil of rope hooked onto the outside of the prison hole.“Time to return the favour to you all.” He said.Takua grabbed the rope and shoved it down into the hole, and then walked away.It was time to face Icarax, and this time he would not be beaten, for the words the Po-Matoran had once told him rang in his ears:“He wears the mask of shadows, much like Makuta once did. But, if you can get underneath the mask... he wears another, a mask of healing. He is in constant pain, and it is kept at bay by the healing mask. But if you were to destroy it... you would destroy him.”The End.Just a little test, seeing if I could adapt Batman to Bionicle. Which I think I was able to do, in a way. Critique appreciated!-ibrow
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#2 Offline Phovos

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Posted Sep 29 2012 - 03:55 AM

Well, that was rather odd. I didn't know it was related to Batman until I read the ending, so I thought it was kinda weird that they were all in what seemed like a giant hole.I guess I would have understood it better if I knew what it was based on.
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#3 Offline Voltex Oblige

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Posted Sep 29 2012 - 08:12 AM

Well, that was rather odd. I didn't know it was related to Batman until I read the ending, so I thought it was kinda weird that they were all in what seemed like a giant hole.I guess I would have understood it better if I knew what it was based on.

It's sort of an amalgamation of scenes from The Dark Knight Rises, but Bionicle-ized and with, obviously, dialogue changes. Takua takes the place of Bruce Wayne, and Icarax takes the place of Bane.-ibrow

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#4 Offline Phovos

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Posted Sep 30 2012 - 01:52 AM

Yeah, I didn't know that. I haven't watched the recent Batman film yet.
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#5 Offline Codin the Fe-Matoran

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Posted Oct 01 2012 - 02:30 PM

I loved this - it geniunely made me smile. A big, silly grin. :D
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"Danger is the anvil on which trust is forged." - Toa Jaller, Ex-Captain of the Ta-Koro Guard

#6 Offline Voltex Oblige

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Posted Oct 01 2012 - 07:57 PM

Yeah, I didn't know that. I haven't watched the recent Batman film yet.

Ah, yes. That might limit your understanding/enjoyment(maybe?) of the story.

I loved this - it geniunely made me smile. A big, silly grin. :biggrin:

Glad you enjoyed it. If I like, had the time to think about the daunting task, I'd consider adapting the films into Bionicle epics.But I don't have time. >.>-ibrow

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#7 Offline Grantaire

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Posted Oct 04 2012 - 08:35 PM

Official Short Stories Critics Club review.All right; the first thing needed in any spoof is originality. Sure, as a comedy I suppose you could rename everything into Bionicle, which is what you did here. But it’s harder for a short story. If you’re taking the setting and plot, you have to adequately transfer them in a way that not only gives readers the Batman story, but also your own story. This leads to number two: the realistic factor, which this story lacks very much. I’m sorry, but when you convert this into Bionicle, realisticness dies (in this case). Icarax would have no problem getting out of the hole, for instance; he’d just teleport. If the hole had only matoran, this would be fine.The next supporting plank to be destroyed was the backstory; very especially with a story like this, you need a convincing one. TDKR had a well developed story… You would have had to convert that into a well developed one made for Bionicle. You may have one, but we didn’t see much of it.I’m sorry, but I could not get much feel for the characters. Takua had no character, because he was simply a carbon copy of Batman, but with less character; you did not really get to know him at all, and he sounded completely out of character. In short, 2D.Finally breaking the dam is that the writing itself was hard to get into really; it seemed to be rather dry, and overbrief; I got the feeling you were writing for people who had watched the Dark Knight; even still, there should have been more description of the surroundings... The feel of the movie was not in the least captured, sorry.Now, to go into specifics and grammar nitpicks.

A small, hunch-backed Po-Matoran sat in the corner of the cell, watching him. Takua said nothing for several seconds, nor did the mysterious Matoran. Finally, a different Po-Matoran spoke in a strange, garbled tone.“He wants to know... how much you would pay us to kill you.” The Po-Matoran told him, responding to the garbled one in his own garbled tone. “I tell him that you are broke, that you have nothing.”

Might be better to use less of that word.

“When Icarax broke your mask, it embedded itself within your back.” The Po-Matoran explained. “Your powers were cut off, and you have been unable to move ever since. If you are to move again, we must remove it.”

Let me see… A Kanohi mask, without being viciously stabbed in, managed to punch a hole in the Bionicle form of a cuirass? No. Always think of Bionicle characters as armored knights who are immune from heatstroke; it all makes sense from there. Also, how the heck does that cause him to lose his powers? And why does he not simply get out of the hoel on a pillar of solid light once his powers are restored?

The Po-Matoran grabbed at something on his back and yanked back, wrenching it out and throwing it onto his bed. Takua yelled as his back began to burn with agony, and he twitched within the sling. The Po-Matoran patted him softly on the shoulder.

Twitch? That sounds… Weak. ‘Writhe’ would be more accurate, seeing how much pain he was in.“Nobody ever makes it.” The Po-Matoran said. “There was only one to make it, long ago. They say the shadows clutched to them like none other.”Them = more than one person.

“He wears the mask of shadows, much like Makuta once did. But, if you can get underneath the mask... he wears another, a mask of healing. He is in constant pain, and it is kept at bay by the healing mask. But if you were to destroy it... you would destroy him.”

I did not know the mask of healing helped energy pains. Also, I did not know that the mask of healing worked on standby. This sounds like a cheap ripoff of the actual story.Overall, my impression of the story was low. It bordered practically on plagiarizing, and had little depth; it was a shred torn out of a larger tapestry, with little attempt made to make it look anything other than a shred of something else. In my honest opinion, it needs rewriting, character originality, and a more workable plot to be anything other than part of the Dark Knight Rises with different character names and locations.

Edited by Zarayna, Oct 04 2012 - 09:03 PM.

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#8 Offline Voltex Oblige

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Posted Oct 05 2012 - 03:23 PM

Experiment didn't work out then, I guess. Which is fine, as that's what it was. But why must Bionicle characters be knights in armour? Why can I not make them more vulnerable than that? At the same time, would I not be allowed to take creative liberties with the mask of healing?I get your review, and I can understand your having a negative opinion... but those are questions I just don't know the answer to.-ibrow
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#9 Offline Grantaire

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Posted Oct 05 2012 - 04:10 PM

Because according to the canon, they have as much, if not more armor. Also according to the canon, the mask of healing works in a particular way.You may change that, and you can. However:

The next supporting plank to be destroyed was the backstory; very especially with a story like this, you need a convincing one. TDKR had a well developed story… You would have had to convert that into a well developed one made for Bionicle. You may have one, but we didn’t see much of it.

I addressed it indirectly right there; if you want to deviate from the canon, you have to mention it. You may, for instance, think of a toa as a human with a mask, but we don't know that! The same way, you might think the mask of healing works the same way as Bane's mask, but your readers don't know that. Always operate off the presumption that your readers may not understand things like this. In short, if you want to be creative, let the reader know these things through the narrative. This doesn't mean that half of the story has to be a treatise on where your writing differs from the canon, but it has to be mentioned well enough for the reader to understand. Confusion ruins the reader's experience.

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#10 Offline Voltex Oblige

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Posted Oct 05 2012 - 04:44 PM

Because according to the canon, they have as much, if not more armor. Also according to the canon, the mask of healing works in a particular way.You may change that, and you can. However:

The next supporting plank to be destroyed was the backstory; very especially with a story like this, you need a convincing one. TDKR had a well developed story… You would have had to convert that into a well developed one made for Bionicle. You may have one, but we didn’t see much of it.

I addressed it indirectly right there; if you want to deviate from the canon, you have to mention it. You may, for instance, think of a toa as a human with a mask, but we don't know that! The same way, you might think the mask of healing works the same way as Bane's mask, but your readers don't know that. Always operate off the presumption that your readers may not understand things like this.In short, if you want to be creative, let the reader know these things through the narrative. This doesn't mean that half of the story has to be a treatise on where your writing differs from the canon, but it has to be mentioned well enough for the reader to understand. Confusion ruins the reader's experience.

Thank you for the explanation; I'll hold onto that for future stories. :)-ibrow

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