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Colony Review Topic


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10 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Your Evil Friend

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Posted Sep 28 2012 - 01:14 PM

This is a short(ish) story I'm working on. I realise I need some practice before I continue with We are Metru, so here it is. Colony.its probably semi-cannon and I probably wont refer back to much of the Bionicle story.Link to Story: http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=7014
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#2 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Sep 28 2012 - 02:08 PM

I don't think I've seen a Bionice epic that takes place in space. I'm not saying that yours is the only one, but I haven't seen one until I read this. Anyway, I thought that your first chapter was really good. I liked how you described Kadis's feelings, like if how empty his life has become over the years on his journey. Question, is he alone on his vessel? Because it would be depressing if he was. (And it might be good for his character, IMO. Being alone in space for ten years can do stuff to you, and that would be interesting to see play out.)Grammar wise, I did find some mistakes, and they are:

Some thing was not right

Should be 'something.'

When something was wrong on Colony, it was normally something very wrong.

I think this sentence could be worded better. Here would be my take on it 'When something was wrong on Colony, he could normally feel it right away.' I'm not saying it has to be rewritten like that, but I do think it should be changed.

Its freezing touch of it made him regret his awake

I think this would sound better as 'The freezing touch of it made him regret his awake'

He realised he had been lying on the floor for about an hour now, thinking of his past

Should be 'realized.'

The metallic surfaces cold feel, felt welcome

This would sound better as 'The metallic surface's cold feel was welcomed' IMO.

He propped him-self up onto his now sturdy legs

Should be 'himself.'

It all seemed so modern and exiting back ten years ago.

I believe you meant to say 'exciting' here.

They weren't his to choose that.

This would sound better as 'They weren't his to choose from.' Or 'It wasn't his place to chose one of them.'Those were the only grammar mistakes I could find. Overall, this is an good start to your epic and it will be interesting to see where it goes from here.

Edited by Toa Smoke Monster, Sep 28 2012 - 02:10 PM.

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#3 Offline Your Evil Friend

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Posted Sep 28 2012 - 02:19 PM

I don't think I've seen a Bionice epic that takes place in space. I'm not saying that yours is the only one, but I haven't seen one until I read this. Anyway, I thought that your first chapter was really good. I liked how you described Kadis's feelings, like if how empty his life has become over the years on his journey. Question, is he alone on his vessel? Because it would be depressing if he was. (And it might be good for his character, IMO. Being alone in space for ten years can do stuff to you, and that would be interesting to see play out.)Grammar wise, I did find some mistakes, and they are:

Some thing was not right

Should be 'something.'

When something was wrong on Colony, it was normally something very wrong.

I think this sentence could be worded better. Here would be my take on it 'When something was wrong on Colony, he could normally feel it right away.' I'm not saying it has to be rewritten like that, but I do think it should be changed.

Its freezing touch of it made him regret his awake

I think this would sound better as 'The freezing touch of it made him regret his awake'

He realised he had been lying on the floor for about an hour now, thinking of his past

Should be 'realized.'

The metallic surfaces cold feel, felt welcome

This would sound better as 'The metallic surface's cold feel was welcomed' IMO.

He propped him-self up onto his now sturdy legs

Should be 'himself.'

It all seemed so modern and exiting back ten years ago.

I believe you meant to say 'exciting' here.

They weren't his to choose that.

This would sound better as 'They weren't his to choose from.' Or 'It wasn't his place to chose one of them.'Those were the only grammar mistakes I could find. Overall, this is an good start to your epic and it will be interesting to see where it goes from here.

Thanks for the quick review.Thankyou for your feed back.I will go through these step by step.1. About him being alone, I'm contemplating on whether or not to have a second crew member. Although maybe that crew member could be part of what being alone in space could do to you...2.Its spelled realise in England I think3.And as for the last quote, I was trying to get across that they were past team mate's beds. Dont know if that carried across.Anyway, thank you for you nice little review and I hope you stay for chapter 2. Something bad has just happened in real life, so depending how quickly/if at all that gets resolved, I dont know what I will do a chapter 2.

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#4 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Sep 29 2012 - 11:19 PM

Well, that was an interesting second chapter. I liked how you introduced Devik. Making him a ghost (or illusion, or hallucination, or whatever he is :P) is a neat twist too. It keeps Kadis alone on the ship and brings up the question as to how sane Kadis really is. One can tell that something is not right with Kadis, especially in the last few paragraphs of the chapter. (Side note. I liked that you gave all his deceased crew members names. That really helps make their deaths more personal for Kadis and creepier when the darkness was coming for him.) With Kadis talking one of his dead crew members and seeing darkness surrounding him while he is passed out, I speculate that he is either insane or that something is taunting him on the ship. I guess I'll have to keep up with this epic to find out what is really up with him. :PGrammar wise, I did find some mistakes, and they are:

This ship had always felt way to big

Should be 'too.'

It seemed to pain his eyes to look at

This would sound better as 'It seemed to pain his eyes to look at it' or 'It was painful for him to look at it.'

It swept through him like Lava

'Lava' should be lowercase.

He had only shown back up about four years ago, which was about two years after the last member of Colony(except Kadis).

The bold part would sound better as 'which was about two years after the last member of the Colony, save for Kadis, had died.'

Kadis saw him more his saviour that day, four years, than the strange creepy being he saw him as today.

I'm a little confused as to what you are trying to say here. Are you saying that Kadis saw Devik as his savior four years ago because he stopped Kadis from taking his life? I think that is what you're saying here. If that is the case, then the sentence would sound better like this 'Kadis saw him more like his saviour that day, four years ago, than the strange, creepy being he saw him as today.'

It was two about years after Sallix, one of last two crew members of Colony had taken her own life in the realisation that their ship would never be found.

This sentence could be typed better. I think it would sound better like this 'It had been about two years since Sallix, one of last two crew members of the Colony, had taken her own life in the realisation that their ship would never be found.'

The only thing was, was the fact that this Devik was nothing like the Devik that had been alive all those years ago.

The bold part should be omitted.

The ghost Devik was loud spoken and always had a conversation to start with Kadis; however the former Devik was quiet and shy

There should be a comma after 'however' and a period after shy.

Kadis couldn't say he liked Devik much

This would sound better as 'Kadis couldn't say he liked Devik very much.'

He wasn't ashamed to admit he missed him when he want around

I think you meant to say 'wasn't' instead of want.

The dark would get to him and consume him.The dark getting ever closer.

'Dark' would sound better as 'darkness' in both these sentences. And the second sentence should say 'The darkness was getting ever closer.'These were the only grammar mistakes I could find. Keep up the good work on your epic. http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/cool.png

Edited by Toa Smoke Monster, Sep 29 2012 - 11:30 PM.

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#5 Offline Your Evil Friend

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Posted Sep 30 2012 - 09:40 AM

Thank you for your review again, and I am glad you seem to be interested in the story.I will change all theses grammar mistakes later tonight.Thank you again man!
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#6 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Oct 01 2012 - 10:51 AM

Another interesting chapter. I liked that you explained why Kadis left Le-Metru. (And that he used to live in Metru Nui.) I do have one minor nitpick about the story though, and that is the reveal that Devik is actually Kadis's enemy. Though I assume it would be possible that Sallix is lying to him, I think that another chapter or two could've been used to make the reader care more about Kadis and Devik's friendship before a reveal like this came up in the story. But that is just me. I do think this will make for some good drama the next time Devik shows up.Grammar wise, I did find a few mistakes, and they are:

He stared at its slow peaceful movement, before placing the glass down with a load slam, disturbing the quiet humming of the ship.

There should be a comma after 'slow.' Also, the comma after movement should be omitted and 'load' should be 'loud.'

He looked up; his mouth parted slightly, and stared at the plain white wall before him.

I think the bold part could be removed to make this sentence sound better.

He knocked the glass of the counter.

Should be 'off.'

It’s clear structure shattered into millions of tiny pieces, spraying everywhere.

I think that this sentence could be worded better. It might sound better like this: It’s clear structure shattered into millions of tiny pieces that scattered everywhere.

He wiped the tears away from his mask, before slamming both is fists on the counter and cursing as load as his voice would let him. He imagined it the words travelling around each hall way of the ship like a strong gust of wind

'Is' should be 'his,' 'load' should be 'loud,' 'it' should be omitted, and you misspelled traveling. It should only have one 'L.'

He wanted to scream as lud as he could for as long as he could but also to cry and curl up into a ball.

Should be 'loud.'

If the built a darn space ship, there was no reason for them not be able to implement such things.

I'm a little confused by the bolded section of this sentence. I think you need to clarify here as to who built the ship to help make sentence make sense.

until the cut it down to make way for new apartments.

It think you meant 'they.'

It did seem a bit ironic that he chose to live on a space ship for at the time, was going to be five years.

I think this sentence would sound better as 'It did seem a bit ironic that he chose to live on a space ship for what he thought was going to be five years.

He did really need to was the blood of himself though

Should be 'wash.'

he almost though he saw a figure standing behind him in the small a mirror as his eyes passed over it.

Omit the 'a.'

“To save you”, she said and gave him a sympathetic smile.

You should put the comma inside the quotation marks, like this: '“To save you," she said and gave him a sympathetic smile.'

“Yes” she said, her soft voice calmed him down.

You need a period after 'yes.' Also, there is other dialogue in this chapter that you didn't end with a period that needed to end with one. I would reread the chapter and add the periods where needed.

Kadis took his hand of her shoulder and looked into the mirror.but was relieved when he saw here still standing there.

'Of' should be 'off' and 'here' should be 'her.'Keep up the good work with your story. I'm very interesting in seeing what happens next.

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#7 Offline Your Evil Friend

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Posted Oct 02 2012 - 11:37 AM

Another interesting chapter. I liked that you explained why Kadis left Le-Metru. (And that he used to live in Metru Nui.) I do have one minor nitpick about the story though, and that is the reveal that Devik is actually Kadis's enemy. Though I assume it would be possible that Sallix is lying to him, I think that another chapter or two could've been used to make the reader care more about Kadis and Devik's friendship before a reveal like this came up in the story. But that is just me. I do think this will make for some good drama the next time Devik shows up.

I was thinking the exact same thing eariler today. Im going to cut that bit out for a while, becuase you as the reader, have only seen Devik once, so I doubt there is buch impact. It feels a bit rushed agree.Any way, thank you again

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#8 Offline The Dandy Automaton

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Posted Oct 05 2012 - 01:51 PM

Hey there Alterego, ECC Intern Sechs here to supply you with a courtesy review. :)Well, I was going to start off with bringing up a list of typos and general grammatical errors but I see that my job's already been done for me. I fear that doing it again would just appear repetitive and quite inconsequential, so I'll just say that there were quite a lot to pick out. Now, while it doesn't detract from the overall story, it can at times get quite distracting. While I'm not saying that you don't, before posting a chapter I would suggest just giving it a quick proof read, even if it's a swift scan, just to pick out any glaring faults.Anyway, onto the actual story. To put it simply, I like it. The idea alone is interesting enough. A sole survivor left stranded on a spaceship, fighting the temptation to simply end it all there and then. The isolated in space aspect is a common enough sight in media but it's usually tied in with some other monstrous threat, like in Dead Space or presumably Alien (Which I confess I've never seen, so may not be a great comparison). So with Kadis being the only real character would mean that he is also the only menace to himself, it’s nice to see such a refreshing twist to a common setting. Likewise, I'm also curious about your characters. The ending to Chapter 3 certainly piqued my interest as it made me wonder whether Devik has somehow surpassed death, or whether Kadis is just trying to imagine a conspiracy to stave off the crushing loneliness. What I like is how Kadis is the only character the reader can genuinely believe exists, whilst the other two we’ve been introduced to so far have been insubstantial enough for us to theorise that their existence could be nothing more than a deluded fantasy.For a bit of critique though, I would suggest that you try to implement things a little slower into scenes. For example:

It seemed to pain his eyes to look at. For a split second, Kadis’s body was filled with blinding rage. It swept through him like Lava, flowing down the Onu-Metru mines. His body felt hot with anger and he was ready to explode.

I mean, that's a pretty big reaction to just a speck of dirt. I can't help but feel it's a little too sudden. I think if there were some kind of build up to the anger, perhaps a bit of self-reflection or just a general growing irritation that upsets his OCD then it might have fit a little easier. Likewise with the scene at the end of Chapter 2. When the ghosts converged on him I couldn’t help but feel it was a little too sudden. Perhaps it could have been a little more unnerving were it to be introduced at a slower pace. I’m not saying take up an entire chapter building up the scene, but maybe you could consider just moving at a more gradual pace, building up tension bit by bit. For the actual ghosts though, the suddenness works. I like how they will suddenly appear behind Kadis as though they may as well have been there all that time, and his reaction is subdued enough for me to believe that they really had been following him for all these years.But that aside, three chapters in I think it’s fair to say that your epic has potential. All I’ve dragged out of it has been little more than nitpicking. I’m genuinely curious as to Kadis’ future, so will be following this for a while longer. I wish you the best of luck writing it and hope you keep up the good work. :biggrin:

Edited by Sechs - King of Facade, Oct 05 2012 - 01:53 PM.

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Chapter four - Desire

Coming soon!

Short Stories: The Commute ~ Rasinov ~ In Your Absence ~ Hunter's Game ~ Suchia (Coming soon)

Epics: The Best Kept Secrets (Chapter 27: The Shadow Walker coming soon) ~ The Shadow of this Red Rock


#9 Offline Your Evil Friend

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Posted Oct 06 2012 - 11:53 AM

Thanks a lot man. That really helps me. I hope to get out a new chapter on monday, and I am really glad you like it. Good luck to your future at ECCJust a heads up. I have changed the ending of chapter 3, so it would make sense if you read the changes before moving on to chapter 4. Thankyou :)

Edited by Hahli Husky, Oct 08 2012 - 01:38 AM.

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#10 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Oct 09 2012 - 10:51 AM

So Kadis might not be alone in space after all. I think it would be very interesting, given his mental state, to see how Kadis interacts with other beings if/when they arrive on his ship. I did like that Kadis was at least considering that he was losing his mind when he was trying to explain why Devik and Sallix could still talk to him after their deaths. It helps to show that he isn't naive about what his situation could be doing to him.Grammarwise, I did find a few mistakes, and they are:

He count help but feel Sallix was right earlier in the shower room.

Should be 'couldn't.'

there was always a horrible feeling almost emitting of his body. A feeling of Death.

'Of' should be 'off' and 'Death' should be lowercase.

Part of him was saying to accept to himself they weren’t real

This sentence would sound better as 'Part of him was saying to himself that they weren’t real...'

Kadis felt depressed; He felt more depressed than he had ever felt in his entire life,

This sentence would sound better as 'Kadis felt depressed, more so than he had ever felt in his entire life,'.

He didn’t miss any one from Metru Nui,he wanted to die with some one that cared for him.

The bolded words should be 'anyone' and 'someone' respectively.

He wandered to the back to the ships bar and grabbed an entire whiskey bottle from one of the shelf’s.

The bold part should be omitted.

but he had picked up some tricks from him Ko-Matoran before his passing

Should be 'the.'These are the only grammar misakes I could find. Keep up the good work.

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#11 Offline Your Evil Friend

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Posted Oct 10 2012 - 06:37 AM

So Kadis might not be alone in space after all. I think it would be very interesting, given his mental state, to see how Kadis interacts with other beings if/when they arrive on his ship. I did like that Kadis was at least considering that he was losing his mind when he was trying to explain why Devik and Sallix could still talk to him after their deaths. It helps to show that he isn't naive about what his situation could be doing to him.Grammarwise, I did find a few mistakes, and they are:

He count help but feel Sallix was right earlier in the shower room.

Should be 'couldn't.'

there was always a horrible feeling almost emitting of his body. A feeling of Death.

'Of' should be 'off' and 'Death' should be lowercase.

Part of him was saying to accept to himself they weren’t real

This sentence would sound better as 'Part of him was saying to himself that they weren’t real...'

Kadis felt depressed; He felt more depressed than he had ever felt in his entire life,

This sentence would sound better as 'Kadis felt depressed, more so than he had ever felt in his entire life,'.

He didn’t miss any one from Metru Nui,he wanted to die with some one that cared for him.

The bolded words should be 'anyone' and 'someone' respectively.

He wandered to the back to the ships bar and grabbed an entire whiskey bottle from one of the shelf’s.

The bold part should be omitted.

but he had picked up some tricks from him Ko-Matoran before his passing

Should be 'the.'These are the only grammar misakes I could find. Keep up the good work.

Thank you man. You have been really supportive.

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