Edited by Legolover-361, Oct 15 2011 - 12:46 PM.
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Posted Oct 15 2011 - 12:45 PM
Posted Mar 10 2013 - 03:29 AM
Here is your official Ambage review as requested by Nuile: Wow, this is a great story! The plot is intriguing, and it's a shame it didn't win. Anyways, I'll start with errors. You were extremely thorough in your editing, and I didn't find any spelling errors, and I'm not sure about many of the grammatical errors I found. Most of them were either areas there could be a comma (which might stem from my tendency to spam commas), or verb-tense disagreements, many of them were like:
All of a sudden[color=rgb(255,0,0);],[/color] Dweller [color=rgb(255,0,0);]darted[/color] out from the shadows of the alleyway, [color=rgb(255,0,0);]slipping[/color] into the crowd almost effortlessly and [color=rgb(255,0,0);]disappearing[/color] amidst all the bodies just as quickly.
This may or may not be an error, but it was used several times throughout the story. Other issues include: Forgotten quotation mark here:
“Let’s try again,” said Dweller, his voice suddenly carrying an edge. “What are you doing here?[color=rgb(255,0,0);]"[/color]
Tense disagreement here:
...her captor [color=rgb(255,0,0);]flinched[/color] backwards, away from the fragments, not [color=rgb(255,0,0);]realizing[/color] that in doing so he [color=rgb(255,0,0);]would be weakening[/color] his grip on the Toa...
But besides that, I really didn't see much. Great job on that! I know from experience it's very hard to edit out all issues in a story. And, as I said, most of these are minor, if even errors at all.
Now, to what I liked:
It's great how well you characterize all of these characters in just a short story. I've been reading a lot of Mark Twain quotes in class, and one talks about how difficult it is to get the actual personality of a character to shine through how they say something, yet you nailed it perfectly with everyone, even while characters like Zaria had few appearances. I can tell he's kind of a tough guy who doesn't like waiting around for something to happen, and wants to be in the middle of the action when it starts. I really commend you on that ability.
I also really like your word choice. Many of those words can really give me an image of what's going on, such as how you described the movements of characters to portray their feelings. You can really make a character sound businesslike just with a few words in one area, and in a primal rage the next. Great job on that as well!
Lastly, overall it's just a great plot. You gave each of the characters just enough parts and it just worked out in the end. Seems to me like Mark Twain's (I just really like the guy) idea that characters should move you towards a natural resolution really applied here, and I can see it make a logical path through choices. I also liked the ending, showing Spinner's regrets of being a Dark Hunter and The Shadowed One's manipulative ways. It really helped the plot and didn't seem very extraneous.
Can't wait to see more, I love this story! Pleasure reviewing it. Let me know if you have any more concerns.
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