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The Tiger

William Blake poemfic

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3 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Allanon Loke

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Posted Oct 15 2011 - 01:19 PM

So, I don’t do songfics very well. So, I have made a poemfic. The story is inspired by “The Tiger”, a poem by William Blake. This means that the italic poem stanzas in between the paragraphs belong to William Blake, not me. The rest of the story is from my mind. Some of you may remember this story from the archives of BZP. It’s pretty much the same, but I have edited it. The only major change is that it doesn’t take place in a forest now. I realized that since the setting is in Le-Metru, there probably aren’t any forests. There are a few other minor changes, like descriptions and grammar. I made up Shasta and the Rahi.Word count: 1,526 (not including Blake’s poem)Setting: after the Mask of Light saga, when everyone’s just gotten back to Metru Nui

Original story: The TigerThe Tiger

Tiger! Tiger! burning bright,In the forest of the night;What immortal hand or eyeCould frame thy fearful symmetry?Le-Matoran Shasta scolded himself for deciding to walk home through some abandoned alleys of Le-Metru instead of taking the chutes. A change of pace, I said, he thought miserably. New scenery, I said. See the things I will never remember-recall. Now he was running for his life from some predatory Rahi.At one point, he stopped running because he was out of breath. He strained to hear his pursuer over the sound of his heart pumping and panting. He could faintly hear the soft padding of the Rahi as it followed him. Shasta realized from the gait that it was walking after him. This brought more terror to the Le-Matoran. It knows I cannot escape-lose it, he thought. Shasta first noticed his stalker when he saw its red eyes watching him from the shadows of an alley. Suddenly the Rahi came into view, and Shasta’s eyes went wide with terror as he caught a clear glimpse of the creature.In what distant deeps or skiesBurned the ardor of thine eyes?On what wings dare he aspireWhat the hand dare seize the fire?It was larger than a Toa, much larger. Its metallic armor was brown with black stripes. The red eyes burned with the fire of a killer on its armored, feline head. The muscles protruded from the armor, speaking of its immense strength. The limbs showed off its steady and disciplined strength as it strode towards Shasta. Each paw was decked with sets of four identical, dreadful claws. The tail and spine demonstrated a flexibility seen in few Rahi. The maw was filled with white, sharp teeth with two larger fangs on the upper row. The two ears on its head, the only thing small on its body, swiveled around constantly, catching the sounds around skillfully. Suddenly the dull brown armor turned to a bright, burning crimson. Shasta gasped, unable to take his eyes off the Rahi. There was something hypnotic about the creature. He fought with himself, trying to continue his vain flight but wanting to continue staring at the Rahi’s dangerous beauty.And what shoulder, and what art,Could twist the sinews of thy heart?And when thy heart began to beat,What dread hand forged thy dread feet?Finally, Shasta broke off those hypnotic eyes and bolted. He did not dare look back for fear of tripping. He could hear the Rahi gaining on him. The Rahi’s pace changed. It was getting faster. What-do-I-do? he thought, his mind working rapidly for an escape route. He was surrounded by abandoned buildings and debris. His mind could not work with this. He was used to the trees and vines of Le-Wahi. I wish I were home.Then he saw some cables draping down into the alley…like vines. Shasta did not miss a beat as he deftly shimmied up the cable. The Rahi leaped after him, scratching the bottom of his foot but leaving him intact. The Le-Matoran continued his ascent. Suddenly, the cable snapped. As Shasta fell, he caught a glimpse of Rahi tearing the cable apart.What the hammer? what the chain?In what furnace was thy brain?What the anvil! what dread graspDare its deadly terrors clasp?Shasta screamed as he fell, imagining the Rahi eating him alive. However, one of the cable lengths had dropped on its face, keeping it from seeing where he would land, and he landed on the Rahi’s back. He knew he could not outrun the Rahi from such a short distance. I’m-dead-dead-dead, soo dead-gone. It seemed like eternity as he waited for his fate. He gripped the Rahi tightly as it roared and shook itself, trying to dislodge its meal.It was then that Shasta realized that he was still grasping the remainder of the cable, a decently lengthy section too. Amidst the shaking and jerking, he managed to make a lasso out of the remainder of the cable. He glanced up at the craggy, broken rooftops. There, he thought, spotting the perfect precipice for this trick. He braced himself for the toss. Then he remembered what happened last time. He tied the loose end of the cable around his left wrist. Here it goes. Please-please-please!The lasso shot over the rooftop and latched onto the crag. As the Rahi jerked to the side, Shasta used the momentum to launch off and away as he swiftly raced up the cable. As the cable arced back toward the Rahi, it leaped at him, jaws open wide. With a roar denying his fear, he kicked the Rahi in the snout. The feline dropped to the ground with a growl of annoyance. By the time it recovered, the agile Le-Matoran had reached the top of the building. The vertical building. The caved in vertical building with no steps for the Rahi to climb. It was practically just a wall now. Unless the creature grew Matoran hands, there was no way for it to reach him now.“Yes! I’m alive!” he whooped. He laughed, both at the Rahi and from relief. Now he just had to wait for a rescue. He watched the burning red Rahi prowl in frustration. Its menacing growls still brought a shiver to Shasta’s spine. The Rahi watched him with bright eyes that burned with determination and hate. Then the Rahi approached the wall.I’m fine. No need to worry-fear, he reminded himself uncertainly.He would feel much better once he was home. Then the Rahi stuck its forepaws on the wall. Its claws melted into the metallic material that made up the smooth surface. Then it began to climb.“No, nononono.” Shasta started looking around for another plan. He was tired of this, and very scared. He still had his cable. I could jump-cross to the other building. He groaned. But it will just follow me. It will follow me everywhere. Just leave me alone-peace. Shasta decided that his best bet would be to keep running away until help arrived. As he loosened the lasso from its perch, he searched the other buildings for another sturdy outcropping.When the stars threw down their spears,And watered heaven with their tears,Did he smile his work to see?Did He who made the lamb make thee?Shasta tugged on the cable to ensure it was stable before leaping off the building. As he swung down, the Rahi made a grab for him. He could feel the wind from those black claws as they just barely missed him. Destiny seemed to be on his side still as he made it safely to the opposite building. He immediately went to work loosening the lasso so he could use it again when the time came. The Rahi released the abandoned building. With one fluid motion, it touched down and leaped onto the second building. The impact shook the unstable building, causing Shasta to lose his footing. He caught a small ledge before he fell completely, but it still put him closer to the Rahi. Luckily the end of the lasso was still attached to his left hand, but he had removed the other end from its anchor. Both his hands were occupied as he tried to keep a hold of the very small crack in the wall. The sharp, broken metal was cutting into his fingers. He tried in vain to grab the cable with his mouth so he could pull it up to his hands and use it.Suddenly his vision went red. Twin evilly glowing eyes stared at him. He felt himself go cold. The Rahi had reached him. Its growl vibrated through the metal and through his body. He prepared to let go of the ledge, hoping but knowing this was it. He let go, felt the impact of a large body, and thought, Why me? He heard the roar of the Rahi, but it was strangely farther than it should have been.Shasta realized that he had closed his eyes. He also realized that he was in the embrace of arms, not claws. He opened his eyes and stared in shock into the face of Toa Nuva Lewa. He glanced down and saw the Rahi just in time for it to get a new ice coat from Toa Nuva Kopaka. The fearsome Rahi was stuck with its face contorted with an angry roar. Shasta shivered as Toa Lewa lowered them to the ground with his Kanohi Miru, closer to his dread assailant.“Are you all right-fine, little-brother?” the green Toa queried in concern, setting him on the ground.“Yes, great Toa,” Shasta replied, his voice quivering from the ordeal. He was badly shaken from the numerous near-death experiences so close to each other. But he did not want his Toa to see him so weak. “Thank you.”“Well, brother,” Toa Onua’s voice rumbled, startling Shasta who had not noticed the dark Toa’s presence. “I think that the archives will want its denizen back.” The stocky Toa picked up the large Rahi, ice and all, and started walking away. Shasta gave it one last look. Even imprisoned, the beast’s bearing was so terrible and majestic that he had to shudder.Toa Lewa escorted Shasta home. By the time they reached the more populated areas, both were laughing and at ease, as was their nature. The next day, Shasta started telling his story, with only slight exaggerations, of course. He even took some of his friends to the archives to see the great Rahi he had outmaneuvered. The Rahi was still a monarch, even in stasis. With an eternal snarl placed on its frozen face, eyes still burning even behind the special encasing, and the armor still a bright crimson, it stood with regal bearing at the entrance of its Archive wing for all to see.Tiger! Tiger! burning bright,In the forest of the night;What immortal hand or eyeDare frame thy fearful symmetry?

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Dynamics - my new epic. Chapter 1 up. "I am sorry for that, though I have never heard a smell called rude."

#2 Offline Padishah Mehmet II

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Posted Oct 16 2011 - 01:45 AM

While I generally enjoyed this story, I've had two main problems with it.

As Shasta fell, he caught a glimpse of Rahi tearing the cable apart.

... You do mean, "tearing the cable down", right? Besides that, the other main problem is that somewhat, you don't seem to quite emphasize the points of the story with the highest tension and power. Example:

However, one of the cable lengths had dropped on its face, keeping it from seeing where he would land, and he landed on the Rahi’s back.

You say this rather casually, as if when you're falling to your death suddenly accidentally saving yourself is a common thing. The way I'd write it is,

Then, suddenly, deliverance came. One of the cable lengths dropped on the Rahi's face, obscuring its vision and resulting in Shasta landing on the Rahi's back.

You notice the difference? In the latter, it's more sudden, more spontaneous.But overall, I enjoyed the story. The concept of a poemfic is one I enjoyed in particular, and I do hope to see more from you in the future.-Dovydas

Edited by Dovydas the Nerevarine, Oct 18 2011 - 07:48 AM.

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#3 Offline Tamagotchi Lover

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Posted Oct 17 2011 - 03:48 PM

First off, I love "The Tyger" poem. William Blake is awesome, as is a certain serial killer... (The Mentalist, anyone? :P) Secondly, this story is intense. I like intense when I'm in the mood for it, and "The Tiger" definitely grabbed my attention. The rahi's description was outstanding. Treespeak can be a tricky concept to grasp, but you used it quite smoothly. I, like Dovydas, enjoyed reading your story, and I also hope to see more stories from you, Allanon! ^-^
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#4 Offline Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa

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Posted Jun 01 2012 - 05:22 PM

I've always loved this poem, and nearly considered using it in place of a song in a songfic I wrote recently. I ended up not, but I still think it's a great poem and I'm glad to see someone else used it.And, by the way, anyone who chooses poetry over song is A-OK in my book. Not that I have anything against music, but I prefer words that don't need accompaniment. I like my words to play their own accompaniment.As for your story, I think William Blake would be proud. It was a fast-paced tale you spun here, evincing a fluid style. There wasn't much to the story, but it was a great piece of action, which was obviously your intention, and so you did well. I also liked the creature you invented here, although I found its apparent ability to change color simultaneously odd and brilliant. It would be a dangerous predator indeed that can change color to blend into its surroundings . . . although that's not what this creature did, so I'm at a loss to explain the purpose of its ability. So that's actually a complaint right there, however I veiled it. But I do think you did a good job describing it.Also, you did very well with your Treespeak--or I Chutespeak as it would be again. It's a confusing dialect, but you utilized it like a true Le-Matoran.To return to the action for a moment, I loved it when Shasta found a way to apply jungle habits to his new home. Vine-cables, treetop-rooftops; it was an interesting glimpse of the view with which a Le-Matoran from Mata Nui would regard Le-Metru. But I digressed from the action which, let me emphasize, was quite sating.My only disappointment is, perhaps, a cruel one; I had been hoping Shasta would be eaten. But attribute that, in part, to the character from Inkheart. All the same, I was hoping for something a little more unexpected and less clichéd than Lewa flying in and saving him.Comments regarding grammar and styling:

Le-Matoran Shasta scolded himself for deciding to walk home through some abandoned alleys of Le-Metru instead of taking the chutes.

I thought the explicit statement of Shasta's species and element was unnecessary considering what immediately followed it. I prefer more subtle ways of telling the reader what your character is. After all, in a novel, you'll never see, "Human Being Rachel strode into the room." Granted, in the BIONICLE Universe, there are multiple sapient beings; but consider that similar to the matter of establishing the nationality of a Human Being. It should be shown but not necessarily stated.

The caved in vertical building with no steps for the Rahi to climb.

Caved-in should have been hyphenated, I thought.

Destiny seemed to be on his side still as he made it safely to the opposite building. He immediately went to work loosening the lasso so he could use it again when the time came. The Rahi released the abandoned building.

Bless you. Or maybe that was your cat. If you have a cat. If you're one of those weird people who keep hamsters or turtles. Please understand I consider weird a compliment. I have a turtle. And I also have a propensity to digress.

Twin evilly glowing eyes stared at him.

This is actually a compliment. At first glance it was a bit awkward, but reading it over I thought there was much more fluidity and refinement to this structure than, for instance, Twin eyes, glowing evilly, stared at him. Perhaps a hyphen would help that immediate nuance of awkwardness.

The fearsome Rahi was stuck with its face contorted with an angry roar.

Redundancy always irks me. Awkward moments like these push a reader out of your story. It's fluidity that pulls them in.

"Well, brother," Toa Onua’s voice rumbled, startling Shasta who had not noticed the dark Toa’s presence.

This sentence was too ongoing for my tastes.But that so few of these nitpicks were grammar errors, and rather style discrepancies, is a great testament to your grammatical rectitude and writing skill.My final complaint is that this story was only a scene, not really a story. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. For what it was it was excellent, and you fully succeeded in your intentions, so I commend your efforts. In other words, good job dog!

Keep writing,

From the desk of Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith :smilemirunu:

Edited by Nuile: The Daft Wordbender, Jun 01 2012 - 05:23 PM.

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