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Snowfall

ambage flash fiction red star toa/darkhunter war

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#1 Offline Chro

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Posted Oct 05 2012 - 07:06 PM

This here's my entry for the first Ambage Fortnightly Flash Fiction contest, the topic for this week being the Red Star. Snowfall rings in at about 990 words, so I cut it kind of close. The story is about a run-down team of Toa stationed in an abandoned section of Ko-Metru during the Toa - Dark Hunter War. Anyways, enjoy.Asiar opened his eyes.What was that noise?It was a rumbling. Vague, steady, low. Like a celestial gate being raised, or a Great Being himself setting foot upon the world, Asiar thought. He’d always had good hearing- and imagination- and he wondered then if anyone else had noticed the turmoil. Or was it his subconscious playing games…? Perhaps the tension from the last battles had simply carried over. Now, there were only seven Toa left in their encampment.The thin Toa of Stone quickly swung his legs off the edge of the bunk he'd been resting on, planting his heavy feet firmly onto the chilled ground. He needed to find Lusath.Striding swiftly outside, Asiar ventured off towards his friend’s tent. Slowing his pace to enjoy the crisp air, Asiar took in a deep breath, raising his eyes to the horizon; all around were crystalline towers, lancing brilliantly into the sky, the glow of knowledge visible easily in darkness. Higher still in the sky Asiar saw a peculiar red haze, a stronger light of the same hue nestled at its center; what this was exactly, he was unsure. Shrugging, he continued on his way. The blue shine of intelligence reflecting off of the ice gently repelled the smooth blackness of the night.Upon reaching the next tent, Asiar lifted the doorflap and peered inside, allowing in a discharged flurry of eager snowfall. Lusath stood within the tent, his close-fit emerald armor reflecting the glow of the overhanging lantern. Asiar saw that Valere was present as well, her cobalt Hau set in a grim expression, along with Intris, whose burnished black armor betrayed his status as a Toa of Magnetism. Surveying the occupants, the Po-Toa walked quickly inside, dropping the flap behind him, so that it rolled off the edge of his shoulder like rain.“Well,” Asiar began after greeting them, “I was taking a bit of a rest, you see, and-““You were awoken by a noise you heard from afar… After exiting the tent you saw the crimson astral anomaly that has remained overhead for the past few hours.” Asiar grunted acknowledgement, nodding his agreement. He’d forgotten how astute Intris was with his Suletu.“We’re not sure what it is,” affirmed Lusath, the Toa of Plantlife continuing where Intris had left off, “it may have been above us for forever, but just recently, the brightness has intensified. This could be symbolic. But superstitions aside, my friends… to business.”Rising from his seat, Lusath gestured at a map laid out on a table in the center of the tent. “The Dark Hunters have sent two regiments of soldiers towards us by this route.“ He pointed out a path, twisted as a Doom Viper’s neck, along a canal, scything azure across the pristine Ga-Metru district depicted by the parchment before them. By this time the other three Toa had gathered around, and observed the stratagems and tactics proposed by Lusath. “Honestly, I propose that we send in for reinforcements; after we lost Megrel, Adray, Farro…” he trailed off.The Dark Hunter insurgents were relentless; so many of the defending Toa had been slain in recent weeks. In wartime like this, losing allies and friends mattered emotionally even more than it had in the past. When your ranks fell apart, Farro had once liked to say, so did your resolve and your sanity. Though it may have seemed an obvious sentiment, this creed became profound to the last seven Toa there; there, the encampment, unfortified, calling the streets of Ko-Metru home, Asiar reflected.The thoughtful Toa was startled back to reality by a faint increasing whine, like air being forcibly shoved aside by a hurried traveler.“What…” Valere noticed it as well. She rose from her seat cautiously. The sound increased drastically, suddenly resolving itself into a hoarse yell, and then there was, in quick succession, a grinding impact, a grey form tearing through canvas, and then a blur of brown motion, a woomph of air being expelled unwillingly, and then snow, quiet and pure snow drifting down into the tent.Through this blur of motion the Toa had stood, dazed, but now they could see what had transpired. A Toa of Ice, by the looks of it, had fallen from some indeterminate height, easily level with the surrounding knowledge towers, crashed through the roof of the tent, and likely would have impacted heavily, if not for Asiar’s split-second instinctual Calix usage, and his natural strength.The three Toa who were still on their feet, Asiar having knelt down next to the fallen Toa, gathered around in shock, looking down at him; steam rose from the body, ashen armor edged with white lay cracked and shattered, and a pale broken Arthron rested upon the face. In great surprise, such as one does upon witnessing a Fikou slay a Muaka, Lusath identified the Toa below him as one he knew. But, Lusath recalled, he had not known him for a long time.“Adray…?” How was this possible? A friend, a brother, who had been dead by the hands of the Hunters for years, was lying before him. The other Toa ringing the body were just as surprised; they had all seen the brave Toa of Ice executed cruelly by a now-nameless Dark Hunter. There was no way in Karzahni that he had returned.Languidly, as though moving any faster would kill him outright for a second time, Adray opened his eyes. The cobalt hue was faint, as though death had achromatized its essence. Just as slowly, Adray began to raise his arm, the others around holding their collective breath in incredulity. And as the revived Toa of Ice pointed vertically, into the night sky, towards the Red Star above, he uttered something that made absolutely no sense to the observers."Long way down...”A brief explanation about the story:
Spoiler
Anyways, hope you all liked the story. As this is pretty much my first story, reviews are appreciated. : )

Edited by Chro, Oct 05 2012 - 07:10 PM.

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"I guess you can't kill what's already dead."


#2 Offline joev14

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Posted Oct 08 2012 - 04:47 PM

This is a very mysterious and intriguing story, I'm very excited to hear the prequel you mentioned. As for the actual writing, you did a very good job of introducing several characters right away, (which I've found is very hard to do, and when done incorrectly, it results in people getting characters mixed up), you gave just enough explanation to each character, without going so in depth that it took up almost the entire story like most people do. Great job. :)
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#3 Offline Chro

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Posted Oct 08 2012 - 05:27 PM

This is a very mysterious and intriguing story, I'm very excited to hear the prequel you mentioned. As for the actual writing, you did a very good job of introducing several characters right away, (which I've found is very hard to do, and when done incorrectly, it results in people getting characters mixed up), you gave just enough explanation to each character, without going so in depth that it took up almost the entire story like most people do. Great job. :)

Thanks Joev! I was trying to get the minor characters out of the way, and give good descriptions of them at the same time, so... I was a little conflicted about what to write for them. Glad you like it, though. :lol:

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#4 Offline Aderia

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Posted Oct 08 2012 - 08:39 PM

Hey. Guess what. I like this story. Is it really your first one? Because your writing style really drew me in. I'd love to read more from you. You see, I opened this topic expecting to just skim through another Red Star entry, maybe read it over bit by bit as commercials came on (beause I was watching Shark Week online), but I actually ended up pausing my show and reading it the whole way through.The idea of someone actaully escaping the Red Star is intriguing. The one complaint I do have is that this is so short. Yes, I'm aware that this is flash fiction and therefore it is not your fault. But I really think you should turn this into an epic. You dropped a bunch of original characters on us, and for such a short piece of writing, it was a bit much, although not in a -bad- way, par se. Fleshing out the characters in an epic would be good, if it's something you really want to do.Also, if you've got Skype, you should join us in the Ambage. Check out the Ambage Topic for more details, and we'd love to have you! =DAnyways, keep up the good work! It's great to see the Library getting more activity with this Flash Fiction stuff again! =)
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#5 Offline Chro

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Posted Oct 09 2012 - 05:54 AM

Wow, thanks, Aderia! I have actually written more Bionice-related stuff on another site, but that wasn't really serious writing, just for fun. So in a sense, this was my first purposeful piece, if that makes any sense. :lol:I do plan on making Adray's story into a short epic (that's so contradictory...) with this story as a sort of epilogue. In fact I already have quite a bit (almost 2000 words or so) done; I'd say it's going pretty well. And yes, I do have a Skype, but I may not have time to do writeoffs and such that you guys have; I'll have to take a look, though. Thanks. :)
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#6 Offline Mel

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Posted Oct 22 2012 - 11:05 PM

Official SSCC ReviewHello, there! I think you really have something here. I'm not really a fan of more archaic prose, but you manage to pull it off very well. My favorite part was your dialogue; each character's spoke slightly differently and it felt natural. I would like to see more of it. Your plot was solid; I like how you focused on "boring" scenes such as planning rather than action. There's not much more you could do in the way of characterization, as this story is so short. However, I noticed one glaring prose error that significantly threw me off:I notice you like commas, and semicolons too. That is fine. I like them too. In fact, I will use both of them several times over the course of this review. However, you must think about how they serve your story and how they should be used.

Though it may have seemed an obvious sentiment, this creed became profound to the last seven Toa there; there, the encampment, unfortified, calling the streets of Ko-Metru home, Asiar reflected.

Semicolons separate two ideas that are connected. In this sentence/group of words the first of these ideas a thought; the second is an action. (See what I did there?) Besides, if the first clause was alone it would have a much more profound impact.I'm not sure if the second clause can be called a sentence. It's just a bunch of words separated by commas. I'm usually not in favor adding words, but in this case it is necessary to keep the sentence grammatically cohesive. Try:

In the unfortified encampment that called the streets of Ko-metru home, Asiar reflected on this thought.

Or alternatively:

Asiar reflected on this, in the unfortified encampment that called the streets of Ko-metru home.

When you edit this, you should go over every sentence. If feel exhausted after reading it, you need to reorganize it. Commas are nice, but too many of them can bog down sentence.I have one more nitpick for you.

The cobalt hue was faint, as though death had achromatized its essence.

Change "The" and "its" to "their." "Achromatized" should be replaced with "leeched" or "drained."I apologized if this comes across as unduly harsh, but I really do think you have something good here. It just needs polishing. Keep writing, and watch out for rogue commas! ^^
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#7 Offline Chro

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Posted Oct 28 2012 - 01:22 PM

Thanks for the review! :biggrin:

Though it may have seemed an obvious sentiment, this creed became profound to the last seven Toa there; there, the encampment, unfortified, calling the streets of Ko-Metru home, Asiar reflected.

Semicolons separate two ideas that are connected. In this sentence/group of words the first of these ideas a thought; the second is an action. (See what I did there?) Besides, if the first clause was alone it would have a much more profound impact.I'm not sure if the second clause can be called a sentence. It's just a bunch of words separated by commas. I'm usually not in favor adding words, but in this case it is necessary to keep the sentence grammatically cohesive. Try:

In the unfortified encampment that called the streets of Ko-metru home, Asiar reflected on this thought.

Or alternatively:

Asiar reflected on this, in the unfortified encampment that called the streets of Ko-metru home.

When you edit this, you should go over every sentence. If feel exhausted after reading it, you need to reorganize it. Commas are nice, but too many of them can bog down sentence.

I see what you mean. I think that there was a typo that I missed somewhere in that sentence, but not sure what it was supposed to be initially. I was actually trying to say that Asiar was reflecting about the camp, which was unfortified in Ko-Metru, etc., although I got it across poorly due to the bad grammar there. XD

The cobalt hue was faint, as though death had achromatized its essence.

Change "The" and "its" to "their." "Achromatized" should be replaced with "leeched" or "drained."

Yeah, I suppose that achromatized sounded a bit too... formal, maybe? :lol:

I apologized if this comes across as unduly harsh, but I really do think you have something good here. It just needs polishing. Keep writing, and watch out for rogue commas! ^^

Ah, no problem! Thanks Yukiko.

Edited by Chro, Oct 28 2012 - 01:23 PM.

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#8 Offline Mel

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Posted Oct 28 2012 - 05:58 PM

The cobalt hue was faint, as though death had achromatized its essence.

Change "The" and "its" to "their." "Achromatized" should be replaced with "leeched" or "drained."

Yeah, I suppose that achromatized sounded a bit too... formal, maybe? :lol:

Just to clarify: my main issue wasn't that it sounded too formal (although I'm extremely wary of using thesauri), but that it wasn't appropriate. "achromatized" suggests color, but you're not talking about color in that clause ( which you already did it at the start of the sentence); you're talking about essence.Does that make sense?

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[BZPRPG Profiles]

Hatchi - Talli - Ranok - LuciraMorie - Shuuan

My bones are hollow, that's where I keep my marrow

zsmpg4.jpg

This quiver in my lip, that's just where I keep my arrows.

Library [blog]


#9 Offline Chro

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Posted Oct 31 2012 - 05:04 PM

The cobalt hue was faint, as though death had achromatized its essence.

Change "The" and "its" to "their." "Achromatized" should be replaced with "leeched" or "drained."

Yeah, I suppose that achromatized sounded a bit too... formal, maybe? :lol:

Just to clarify: my main issue wasn't that it sounded too formal (although I'm extremely wary of using thesauri), but that it wasn't appropriate. "achromatized" suggests color, but you're not talking about color in that clause ( which you already did it at the start of the sentence); you're talking about essence.Does that make sense?

Yes, it does, and I see what you mean. I meant the essence of the color, but I see how that can be the wrong wording.

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"I guess you can't kill what's already dead."





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