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Office Inspections

In the Office Review

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2 replies to this topic

#1 Offline tent163phantoka

  • Members
  • Descending into Protodermis

  • 01-February 08
  • 936 posts

Posted Oct 13 2012 - 05:01 PM

Story Please leave your reviews here. I hope you enjoy. Character Bios are on the first page.
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#2 Offline fishers64

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  • Savage Blizzard Awakened

  • 05-July 10
  • 11,025 posts

Posted Oct 22 2012 - 07:28 AM

tent163phantoka, do you mind if I give you a suggestion? :)You seem to be very good at coming up with characters and settings. These characters and settings are good. They are interesting and intriguing. But what happens? See, that's the issue here. As a reader, I don't care as much about the characters until something happens. Why should I care about the characters? Why should I care about where they are? Don't tell me the answers to these questions. Write them down. And then, think about how you can show me that.For example, why should I care about Le-Kirop? Do they provide food for the Matoran? Are they going out of business? Are their plants being eaten by biomechnical jaguars? :) Don't tell me the answers, write them down. Why should I care about Turaga Lewa? Is he going to die? Is he being taken advantage of by those under him? What are they doing to him? Don't tell me the answers, write them down. How much does Turaga Lewa know about all this? You've implied he's senile. How much do the other workers know about this? What are they going to do when they find out?Write it down. To have a story, you have to have characters, setting, and a conflict. You have all three. Put it together and write a scene out. I know you can do this. It's just...I've noticed the same problem in the Comedies forum with you. You wrote out an outline and never got to the first chapter. If you really do have a first chapter, I encourage you to post it. Even if it isn't the best, we will be able to comment on it and help you and help you improve. And if you're worried about the introduction and the characters not being very good, I can assure you that they are. You have the makings of a good story here, but you need to write it. Write it!
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#3 Offline The Root

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  • 30-December 07
  • 2,265 posts

Posted Dec 20 2012 - 06:27 PM

Dude, I don't see a story here. I like the characters, but it's part 1 I'm looking for.

Edited by The Taker, Jan 24 2014 - 04:24 PM.

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