Edited by LewaLew, Oct 20 2012 - 04:03 PM.
Posted Oct 20 2012 - 02:06 PM
Posted Oct 20 2012 - 04:21 PM
Edited by Taipu1, Oct 20 2012 - 04:22 PM.
Have you seen my Blog? I understand if you haven't
Posted Oct 20 2012 - 07:19 PM
On 10/20/13, at 9:07 PM, Voltex wrote:
> I used to be a professional assassin
> Until I tried to kill Santa Claus
> But he caught me
> I was fired and Santa Claus has been hunting me down ever since
Posted Oct 20 2012 - 07:48 PM
I don't think it conflicts. After the '04-'05 story, Ahkmou lost his memory. And after the Po-Koro Epidemic, he wasn't seen again until MNOG II, and seemed to just be a simple trader. I would imagine that this poem fits in line with that. And actually, I only spent about an hour on it, with most of the time being spent tweaking the meter of the poem.
This really makes you feel for Ahkmou, I suppose thinking about the situation he was in is not the first thing you would do. I liked the addition of Okoth as something more for him to lose. This perspective of Ahkmou being a victim doesn't fully stand up with his actions outside of 2001 storyline though. Still, you definitely put a lot of time into it, and it paid off. I liked the format of a poem. I'm not a regular to Short Stories, I came because this was on the New topics list, and just from the title it could have been a MOC or something. Not disappointed by it though, well worth reading.
I was worried about that. At one point, I was deliberately trying not to make it rhyme, but I figured it wouldn't hurt, necessarily. I gave up though, as I decided that some lines were stronger when they did rhyme, like that last stanza. Most of the time, I only use assonance, though.I did try to make use of kennings, however, particularly when referring to Makuta. I liked the effect they had when I read an abridged translation of Beowulf.EDIT: I counted. I rhymed four times, although one of those times might be a stretch. The heavy majority is still free verse. Although, come to think of it, I think free verse is actually only distinguishable from prose in that it is written in lines and stanzas. "Ahkmou" has meter, so that might move it farther towards the poetry side of the spectrum than free verse.
Very interesting, and I agree with Taipu1 about the perspective. I like how some of it rhymed, and I certainly have no problem with free verse, but the two sort of clash here, in my opinion. Anyway, great poem.
Edited by LewaLew, Oct 20 2012 - 08:59 PM.
Posted Oct 22 2012 - 10:11 PM
Free verse is usually distinguishable from prose. It is considered a type of poetry, and can have rhyme and meter. It usually is not as organized as form poems, but you have to keep and mind that there really are different degrees of organization. Sonnets don't always follow their strict iambic organization either. Then you have prose poetry, which is organized in paragraphs but is written with poetic ideas in mind.It is all very subjective, so don't worry to much about what your poem is.
EDIT: I counted. I rhymed four times, although one of those times might be a stretch. The heavy majority is still free verse. Although, come to think of it, I think free verse is actually only distinguishable from prose in that it is written in lines and stanzas. "Ahkmou" has meter, so that might move it farther towards the poetry side of the spectrum than free verse.
Hatchi - Talli - Ranok - Lucira - Morie - Akiyo - Yukie - Shuuan - Ilykaed
I fold up my ideas; I pack them deep inside my skull.
I got that string theory: it doesn't work to push--you gotta pull.
Posted Oct 27 2012 - 03:33 AM
Sometimes repetition is good in poetry, but I didn't feel it fit here. Mostly because the rhythm/style set by the first two lines isn't used again -- it just doesn't fit with the way the rest of the poem is written. For the second two lines, I'm not really a fan of "cradled" -- it just sounds awkward there to me, even if it technically fits.
A great many years ago,A great many ages.The Great Spirit's islecradled his nation.
I think a different word would be better than "evil" -- doesn't really flow well. Perhaps "malice"? And "one stone-carver was lost" seemed off, too, just not fitting with the rest very well (particularly the line before).
But the black brother's evil,is never suppressed.Though his dark arts were stayedone stone-carver was lost.
I'm not sure how you can "fall aside" something.
The monster's dank cavern,was where he fell aside.And the fear-peddler found himand sold him his wares.
"beast-master" just doesn't sound very good to me. I'd replace it with something else.
The wicked beast-masterstayed hidden for years.His messenger cameto peddle his fear.
I'm not sure what you mean by "like his mask it was worn"...you're saying that his mask is worn like his armor.
His armor was rustedlike his mask it was worn.Blighted his spirit, sincethe same marks it bore.
I'd remove "he came to the present day" -- doesn't really make sense unless he's a time-traveller.
So Ahkmou cameto the present day,knowing the dark heraldwas never away.
I'd remove the comma after "knickknacks" -- poems don't need to follow proper punctuation (and usually don't). In fact, for poetry punctuation is most often used for pauses, and much more so than prose. But here you really don't want a pause between those two.
He sold his trinkets,knickknacks, and toyswhile informing the courierof the elder's deeds.
The first two lines are all right, but the second two lines just didn't flow well -- seemed to just be a sentence broken in half. Also, I'd use something else besides "dark angel" -- I don't really think it fits here.
But his spirit was light.The villain's visits were short,His mind seldom thought ofthe dark angel's bargain.
Okay, few things wrong with this stanza that really, really stood out. The first two lines are just incredibly awkward, written too much like some sort of sing-songy nursery rhyme or something -- I don't know, hard to explain, but it just sounded really off. The third line just didn't fit with the style of the rest of the poem at all (the use of the kenning), and the fourth line just stood out. I guess because it's repetitive, considering that we already know the ocean is the only way to go.
But a boat he would need,and a boat they had not.And the great whale-road's surfacewas the only way out.
The wording of this was awkward, too archaic.
To find the supplies,to build the wave-skimmer,he entered the shopof the sea-people's vendor.
"her smile shone bright" could've been a good place to use a metaphor or simile, but then again, I'm not sure that really would've fit the rest of the poem. Either way, I think it might just be better to say "smiled brightly" or something. Also, I'd changed "mentioned" to "stated".
"Okoth's my name"her smile shone brightand waved towards her sales-stockand mentioned their price.
"he asked her questions concerning her store" -- again, awkward wording.
He asked her questionsconcerning her store.Enjoying her voiceand the skills of the trade.
The last two lines were awkward, and slightly corny in the way they were written.
For the next week coming,he returned every dayMore for her smilethan for boat-parts he came.
The grammar here was a little wonky. I think you're missing an "is" between "debt" and "still".
"The light-bringers come.Your debt still unpaid,but the black brother requestsone last payment today."
I'd use something other than "peddle".
"The black brother's darknessmust extinguish the light.You must peddle his poisonto be free from his chains."
The last two lines here just seemed to be a sentence cut in half.
But if there was a curesome health-giving herb,Perhaps he could save hisfriends and his kind.
I'd keep it "treacherous" to fit the style of the poem.
Then he could livepure, whole, and good,but still, the price seemedtoo treach'rous for him.
"If" should be uncapitalized. "Full honest" is too archaic; again not fitting with the style of the poem.
But If he rejected the offer,he would still be a slave.He could not live full honest,to his people and friends.
@ the last line...is that really how he talks? It seemed to be way too formal and archaic.
"Will they survive?"He asked he dark prophet."Of course," he replied"As Makuta does wish it."
Should just be "he asked the mage", but I'm not sure that mage really fits here -- kinda a stretch for Bionicle. And the last two lines are again too...sing-songy. I'll try to explain this more at the end.
"How will I do it?"He asked of the mage."With kohlii balls tainted within by the plague."
Verbing? "Living" doesn't fit here.
He made many othersand gathered them plenty,to store in the caveof a dark monster's living.
I'd put a dash at the end of "poison" and remove the "and" of the last line, as well as a semi-colon after "sick" so it's:The stone-village fell sick;the greatest bedriddenby the dark villain's poison--by Ahkmou's dark bargain.I think it's stronger that way.
The stone-village fell sickthe greatest bedriddenby the dark villain's poisonand by Ahkmou's dark bargain.
Missing a "t" in the second line for "he".
He left for a timein he peak of the plague,to sooth his consciencewith a visit to Okoth.
The last line is grammatically incorrect -- "'twas" is a contraction for "it was", so the line reads as "to as what it was the cause". But, 'twas doesn't really fit here at all, so I'd just remove the 't and leave it as "...what was the cause" (although this stanza, too, is worded awkwardly). (I have gone over the allowed number of quote boxes, so the rest will be bolded): Ahkmou rushed to the shop,and broke open the door.And smote his chestfor the evil he caused.This stanza seemed comedic to me. Him breaking down a door (because, yes, he's that strong), and then hitting his chest like King Kong. I'd start by replacing "smote" with "struck" or "hit" or something, but really the whole stanza is just awkward. He leaned down to his friendand confessed in her earthe dark plague he had causedfor the black brother's pact.The last thing we heard about her was that she fell ill...implying that she was in bed at home or something, yet now she's just suddenly in the shop. "Come out, come out!Heal me my friends!Curse me for my part,but spare all of them."Don't need the "me" in the second line. The cavern was silent,'til a hollow sound creakedthe black brother emergedand his darkness creeped.I'd remove "darkness creeped" -- it sounds, by the way it's written, that it's meant to mean creeped as in, a creepy guy "creeping". But wait! This was the herald,not the master he sought."Where's the dark master?"Ahkmou did shout.Last line doesn't fit the style of the poem. The demon then vanished,leaving Ahkmou alone,the poor, fearful fool,again lost, all his own.Missing an "on" between "all" and "his". ---------------- Okay, so...let me see if I can summarize the main issues with this. Apologies if things don't sound clear, I'm really tired at the moment. But, basically, I think there are 6 main problems with this poem:
He arrived at the village,to find the shop closed.He stopped a boat-builderto ask what 'twas the cause.
- Repetitive wording
- Terminology doesn't fit well with Bionicle
- Grammar issues
- Forced archaisms
- Haphazard use of rhyme; and
- The overall style/prose of the poem.
"As a writer you ask yourself to dream while awake." ~ Aimee Bender
Posted Oct 27 2012 - 10:30 PM
Edited by LewaLew, Oct 28 2012 - 09:19 PM.
Posted Mar 14 2013 - 06:48 PM
Dang it, you had to go and make me feel for Ahkmou. XD Very, very well done, sir. I liked the use of kennings and archaic terms.
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